Re: Re: i'm confused, guilty and worried- (and new!)

[Guest guest]

You guys are amazing!

For one thing, when I read what you have written, I totally feel validated- I

have so many experiences in common - it is frightening- one small example- my

mother also is obsessed w/ her 2 dogs- they can do NO wrong. My mother even

had another car - just for her dogs! When she was having financial difficulty,

she sold it to my sister. We still laugh that my sister got the hand me down

car from the dogs!

Also, you are making me realize that things that I thought were at least " fairly

normal " are not! I was always angered when my mother would talk to my (now)dh

about sex- it was like she wanted to embarrass him - or anyone else I knew

that was wrong- but the things she told me (and still tells me) are incredibly

inappropriate too. I am just now getting the sense that nonbp parents would

not tell their children that they got crabs from their biological father, and

their adoptive father was really boring in bed, that she didn't have an orgasm

until she was w/ her 3rd partner (the married one) and that the guy at the porn

shop gave her a VIP card. She probably wouldn't keep her vibrator where her

granddaughter could find it either... and then tell you she picked it out

after the Sex and the City episode about vibrators... Actually, I have heard

a lot about her and her friends' sex toys since that incident...

Huh- you are definitely an eye-opening group! I hope I haven't shared too

many details here. I honestly am just thinking about this after having read

your recent replies and now having a big " ah-hah! " moment.

I will definitely be doing some boundary work in the near future!

You are amazing people- I am awed by your perseverance and so very thankful for

you!

Re: i'm confused, guilty and worried- (and new!)

Lizzy,

Oh heavens, I just want you to know you are not alone.

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.

I think the toughest step in dealing with a BP parent is simply being

willing to recognize it.

For me, I was so used to taking responsibility and blame for things

that were not in my control, and believing my nada's convincing

distortions, that it was really hard to step back and say...there's

something wrong with her, and NO it's not my imagination, and NO I'm

not to blame for it.

And once I realized she was BP, although i felt relief I also felt

guilt because it was like I was being a bad daughter for pegging a dx

like BP on my nada.

And of course going public with the info with my father and

sister...was very hard. They were very angry with me, but I felt I

had to honor my responsibility to love my family, and faking and

pretending seemed to be wrong if I really loved them I should be

honest with them about the problem.

Yeah, my nada talks about all sorts of inappropriate things too. When

I started dating my husband she cornered him and lectured him at

length about the art of sexually pleasuring a woman!!!! It was very

embarassing...mainly because at that point I was trying to believe she

was ok and trying to somehow make her behavior congruent with the

traditional understanding of " normal " .

BP's are NOT NORMAL!

Once I saw my nada as being " ill " it really helped me to call the

wrong behavior " wrong " ...and to recognize and not get sucked in by her

distortions.

I don't know if this is helpful at all. I guess I just want you to

know that you're NOT CRAZY!

That's what a BP would have you believe. They want you to introspect

and think the problem is with you...but believe me, it's not. It's

not about you, it's about them.

That is not to say that we escape our childhood psychologically sound.

Being raised by a BP is not healthy for a child. I have gone to

counseling to get help and I think lots of other kids of BP's do the

same. If you choose to, it will probably help you, but it doesn't

mean you're crazy and any of this is your imagination or your fault.

You have every right to feel what you do, and your perceptions are

valid.

Listen to your gut and don't give into the distortions!

I'm so proud of you for taking a step and communicating what's going on.

I just joined this group too, and I can tell you, there's an

incredible number of people out there who understand and have a wealth

of wisdom.

Hand in there, and keep posting!

Carry

> >

> > Hello- I have a thousand thoughts in my head so I am going to

> jump

> > right in. I have had problems w/ my mother for as long as I can

> > remember.

> > We've recently had a huge family blow out involving my mother and

> > several relatives. I have been put in the middle of it and had to

> > relay messages when my great-grandmother was dying, and been

> trying

> > to comfort my mother who has been more or less, outcast because of

> > the hurtful, horrible things she has said about people. This

> has

> > caused me to question a lot of my mother's behavior, statements

> and

> > start seeing a therapist. My therapist said that my mom had a

> > lot of classic symptoms of BPD. I read SWOE and highlighted

> > probably half of the book. Some of the similarities were

> > amazing. It appears that the fight began from what I think

> could

> > be called a distortion campaign. She definitely has done some

> > splitting w/ a number of people and has had uncontrolled rages.

> > They seemed to have calmed down since I moved out, but I remember

> > horrible episodes periodically throughout my childhood.

> > Occasionally, they flare back up, but they don't occur as often as

> > when I lived w/ her. She has huge boundary issues (which is

> > ironic, because she is always criticizing everyone else's!) She

> > talks about sex and gives innapropriate details of her sex life to

> > people who are uncomfortable with it. (like my husband!)

> > After I started realizing that a lot of what my mother said wasn't

> > true, I started asking questions to people who she had told me

> > horrid stories about. Example- I have always been close to an

> > aunt of mine- my mom has told me stories about her including

> things

> > like multiple abortions, std's, sex w/ strangers, that my aunt

> took

> > advantage of my grandparents financially, that she didn't know who

> > the father of one of her children was, etc. She has told me

> these

> > things starting when I was 10 or 11. I remember being in jr. high

> > when she told me that my aunt had had over 100 sexual partners and

> > several abortions (that my mother claims to have paid for).

> > After a lot of this started, I asked my aunt about some of

> these.

> > My aunt was appalled and shocked that i had been told these

> > things. I felt guilty for 1. asking my aunt (betraying my

> > mother) and 2. having believed it. My biological father died

> when

> > I was young- my mother has never liked his family (or any of her

> > boyfriends or husbands family for that matter) and told me that

> my

> > father's father was a child molester and other horrible things.

> > While my bio father's family isn't exactly ideal, I know doubt a

> lot

> > of what my mother has said about them. Luckily, I did write

> them

> > a Christmas card when I was a freshman in college and have had

> > contact with them since. Child molester or not, I wanted to know

> > more about my roots. Now I feel guilty for doubting my mother

> and

> > guilty for having believed her for so long. Talk about damned if

> I

> > do, damned if I don't!

> > I ordered 2 more books on BPD - Surviving A Borderline Parent and

> > UBM. I know I need to read about creating boundaries and

> > protecting myself and my dh and kids.

> >

> > I guess I feel guilty for even considering that my mother could

> have

> > this disorder. Most of the symptoms are there- she matched 5

> out

> > of hte 9 traits clearly and there were 2 that were questionable.

> I

> > feel like I might be exaggerating her condition. Why would I do

> > that? I don't know- although, as I type this, I know that that

> > is what she would tell me! (okay, she would tell me I was on

> > crazy) I was diagnosed w/ bulimia my freshman

> > year of college and she told me that it was normal- that she ate

> > dairy products knowing she would throw them up - and that I was

> > making a big deal out of nothing. When I was 23 I was

> > diagnosed w/ OCD - and she told me not to tell my grandmother

> > about it and that I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

> > (Okay, this is my first entry, and I am telling you all of my life

> > history- I feel like you are saying- ok, this chick has a hx of

> > bulimia and OCD- obviously she is the crazy one!) I don't

> know-

> > I am rambling, feeling guilty, feeling crazy and I worry about

> how

> > I am going to screw up my kids constantly. Any takers for

> > advice? Does my mother sound like she could be BP- or am I nuts?

> >

> > Thank you for reading this and for having this group!

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

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