Re: Re: Merry January! & Telling them off

[Guest guest]

Sue,

Welcome back. Thanks for sharing. I know the feeling. “Why didn’t I

rise up and tell those ~@#%^ & *s what I REALLY thought of them?!”

I agree with bty. One of the toughest and most rewarding things I’ve done

is NOT lash back toward my FOO in any big, let-it-all-out way, except, one

time many years ago during one of my visits, I did some of that with my

nada. When I was finished, she drippingly said, “Do you feel better now

that you’ve gotten all that out?” I replied, “I’ve only gotten out about

25 per cent of it.” Looking back, it felt good in the moment, but that,

like many people through the ages have put it, I looked silly and lowered

myself to her level. History shows that when World War One’s conquering

nations punished Germany, it helped create the conditions for what later

became World War Two.

I’m no Mandela, King, or Gandhi, but I’ve worked to restrain that basic

human instinct for revenge and vindication, and to instead channel that

energy more constructively. Like you and many others, some of my emotions

and brain say one thing, other parts want to do another. That’s natural.

It’s hard for me. There’s a balance between expressing and repressing

these feelings and memories. The good part is, no, it will never end. To

put a positive spin on it: I’ll never go into denial like my FOO and I’ll

keep getting support in great places like this group.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- bty919836 wrote:

> Scooter,

>

> I am so sorry for the way you have had to deal with things. Going nc

> meant nc with the family for me too (except for two renegades). I too

> have not fully come to terms with the pain and unfairness of that,

> though i have a loving hubby, in-laws and kids to help. Because I

> protected myself, i am the bad one. With a funeral coming up

> everything has been in sharp focus again and it soooooo hurts.

>

> So I feel it with you. However, regards your wish to tell her things

> from your viewpoint - I tried that a few years back, whoa did it

> backfire. Nada re-interpreted everything bigtime; rewrote history to

> prove me wrong; dragged in other family members to 'force me' to

> realise I had distorted memories so must be sick; screamed, wrote and

> telephoned stuff she held against me, that I had never heard before

> -from before i was born - so I had even more 'stuff' in my head to

> deal with. And so on and so on. It was a disaster for me.

>

> The one thing that did not happen...NADA SAW/HEARD/ FELT/ACCEPTED NONE

> OF THE THINGS I HAD SAID. IT DID NOT EVEN DENT THE OUTERMOST SHELL OF

> HER REALITY. So all that, for absolutely nothing. What's more,

> because I had been honest and raw she had so much more, so new and

> tantalising, for her to attack, demean and destroy me with. Here was

> PROOF of what a mean, ungrateful, poisonous perosn I was. Basically,

> in trying I dug the field for her to sow her nastiness in. Of course

> no-one elsesaw what i wrote, so only had her take on it, so it became

> worse with the family!

>

> If you ever need to tell her how it is FOR YOU TO FEEL BETTER then go

> ahead(and brace for impact), if you think it will help her understand

> why you are nc and in understanding improve things (and somehow filter

> through to the rest of the family, like I hoped) I would think twice,

> then three times.........

>

>

> >

> > Hi all,

> > I've been away for a while and couldn't believe the posts in the

> last few weeks. Far too many to read. Was it the stress of the

> holidays? I for one am glad they are over.

> >

> > This is my 2nd year of N/C with Nada and that means N/C with all

> of the family. Although I'm glad to be free of her, I'm having a hard

> time creating new ways to spend holidays. The family all had to make a

> choice, Nada or me and Nada has always won that one.

> >

> > The longer I am away from it all, the more clearly I see that it

> is not only Nada and her sisters that suffer from BPD, but that the

> entire family is sick because of it. I found my way out of the dark

> and into the light and that did not just threaten Nada, it threatens

> the entire family. I'm the one who is different and I'm the one who

> has rocked the family canoe! My punishment is to be out casted by

> all. I wish I could get past this! It is so clear that good mental

> health is not respected in my family and it should be enough for me to

> know that, but it still eats me up to be the one regarded as " bad. "

> >

> > Another thing that just eats me up is that I spent my life holding

> my tongue and letting Nada say and do what ever insensitive thing she

> wanted. I instinctively knew that to call her on anything would mean

> being abandoned. I never stuck up for myself. I never put her in her

> place. I was so afraid of her rage that I silently endured cruelty

> from her. I knew how tipsy the canoe was and was so careful not to

> make waves. In the end it didn't matter anyway. Nada sensed the storm

> brewing and threw me out of the canoe before the storm ever hit.

> >

> > I lost my chance to tell her everything she deserved to hear. I

> lost my chance to call her on all of the abuse and selfishness she

> inflicted and all the sickness she caused. I feel like

> Crawford. (Mommy Dearest) In the end Nada got the last word and I was

> ultimately punished, for what I'm not sure. Seeing through her I

> suppose.

> >

> > My mental health is better. I've lost the dread of having to deal

> with Nada, but I've also lost the chance to tell her how bad she hurt

> me. I still have dreams of fighting with her and pulling her hair and

> being abusive to her like she was to me. Part of me still wants revenge.

> >

> > Will this ever end?

> >

> > Scooter

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

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> >

> >