understandin themes

[Guest guest]

Today I mentioned in therapy that my Nada had found some new and different

things to be upset about while with us in Vegas, and while I was glad to

provide her with variety, I did notice that it was all the same sort of

things- the same themes over and over again. My therapist said this was

good. That is was important to recognize the themes and so forth.

So then I have been thinking. I am trying to sort of categorize some of the

issues into themes or categories or whatever so I can get a better idea of

it all. I am not good at generalizing as a rule- I am the sort who never

realises they are in the forest because the trees are just so fascinating.

So the themes I think I notice are

1) Money- Nada doesn't have it and it tends to be my fault in one way or

another. And even when it isn't she is still going to be resentful or hurt

or angry about it or all of the above. THe money she spent on my growing up

(how dare I need expensive medical care and ask if we were actually poor,

etc), the money she and my brother do not have now, the money my husband

does have, etc.

2) Abdonment. Nada definitely can charachterize " I hate you, don't leave

me " . She feels that I do not care about her or my brother and I have

abandoned my family of origin for my new family, etc. She jealously counts

days spent with each side of the family, who is in how many pictures and so

forth. A good example of this theme was at the wedding. My husband and I

decided to spend a few hours to ourselves and take a nap one afternoon

instead of spending time with the family to sight see. Nada then feels she

has been abandoned. A sort of minor variation of this theme is dealing with

just my brother and how horrible she feels I am to him. How I am so mean to

him, etc. Sort of like taking Nada and him for granted. Another example-

Nada was mad that only one of the wedding pictures had my brother in it. I

was sort of busy being the bride and not counting the number of pictures my

brother was in. Also he had declined our inviation to be a groomsman- that

means less camera time for him- that is one of the reasons he declined

actually. Its not even about my brother and his reaction to the photo op or

anything, but rather how Nada chooses to interpret it. I asked her why she

didn't request another picture to be taken of him with us? Well then she

goes on about how it is not her place to request such things because of

theme 1- money and it would be rude, etc.

3) Martyr. I don't really know how to better define this one. She sort of

likes to suffer I think. She can sacrafice more and faster and better than

anyone else and this proves x,y, or z. It means she is super mom or

whatever. I find it annoying. It also has to do with her pride. She tends

to be very proud. She would rather suffer than go to a free clinic because

after all, you only get what you pay for. As part of this she has to suffer

living in a world with people who are mean and manipulative like me and so

forth.

4) I'm not really sure how to charachterize it other than to say that she is

a hermit. Has been for many years and will likely be for some times. And

she thinks the other people in the town are odd for not wanting to be overly

friendly to her... This women does not like or trust people. She thinks

people are going to hurt or use her or something. I don't fully get it and

I am not sure if I really want to.

This is all I can come up with right now. I don't know if there are other

categories or if I am missing stuff or whatnot, but I am trying to see big

idea stuff here.

-ata