Re: I am sick. So Sick.

[Guest guest]

Terry,

This is really disappointing. It sounds like the psych definitely sided with

your ex on this one.

I have a theory about these situations.

My sister went through this with her ex and daughter once before. Her

daughter decided that her mom could do nothing right and her dad's new wife

was the most wonderful person in the world. She was treated like royalty on

her brief visits to her dad's house. So she wanted to live with her dad, his

new wife and their three children.

My sister agonized for months over it. I finally told her she should just

let her go live with them. I figured she'd be back in six months.

My sister was heartbroken over it, but she let her go.

She was back in two months. Seems the step-mom turned into the wicked

step-mother. She could not love as much as her own children -- and

it showed.

didn't realize how good she had it with her mother.

Sometimes you just have to let kids find out for themselves what you already

know.

Anyway (((((HUGS))))) to you. I know this is a painful situation.

Sissi

I am sick. So Sick.

> We finally got the court-ordered psych eval back today on Alec, my oldest

> that my ex is suing me for custody over.

>

> I am sickened.

>

> Not only does the psychologist agree that Alec's problems are minimal, but

he

> believes that they are a result of his environment. Never mind the NVLD

> which he does agree Alec has.

>

> The report is long...it is filled with test scores that I will have to

> research to be able to understand. It also appears slanted in that

> information that Alec gave that portrayed our home in a negative light was

> taken as gospel (he told the doc that Sam hits him at least once a day and

he

> is bruised as a result - NOT TRUE) while other areas that Alec discussed

were

> minimized (Alec filled out a Conner's self-test for ADD and scored himself

> higher than his teachers had. The doc then says that the test is age

> inappropriate because the norms begin for age 12 and Alec is 10. He goes

on

> to explain Alec's remarks about his high frustration level being in

response

> to his brother's aggression. The doc does this also on the depression

> inventory Alec completed...explaining away the remarks Alec made that

> indicated depression.)

>

> There's a whole lot more. Basically, it is the same deal my ex

> claims...either there is nothing wrong with Alec or if there is something,

> then it has been caused by his having to live in our home.

>

> But, I think the part that hurt me the worst was in the " father's

> perspective " part, the doc wrote that my ex had stated that in his home

Alec

> would have a " better environment, he would have 2 healthy children (his

> fiancee's children) to play with. " And the doc actually makes it sound as

if

> he understands that logic if not downright agrees when he summarizes his

> report by saying that Alec needs a " less stressful " environment right

after

> discussing again the conflict between Alec and his siblings and Sam

hitting

> him.

>

> I could write for a year about how much I hate, loathe, despise my ex but

> that is pointless. I guess I'll just sum this up by saying that I am just

> crushed. I feel like not only can I not get Alec help, but this doc sure

> sounds like he's leaning in the direction of him living with Mike in his

less

> stressful household with his fiancee's 2 fucking healthy kids. Sorry.

>

> Oh, and I almost forgot to add that we were called to come get my

> not-anything-really-wrong-with-him son from school today and he was

suspended

> from Fall Festival (as well as probable detention next Saturday) for

throwing

> rocks at cars at recess (Alec actually hit one, scaring a woman half to

> death). Of course, I'm sure that doesn't indicate anything other than

what a

> messed up home he's living in.

>

> Did I say I am just sick about this? :<

>

>

> ******Terry******

> Wife to: Ron

> Mom to: Alec 10, NVLD - Sam 4, Autism - Abbie 3, PDD-NOS

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can really relate to this. This is a fairly new development around here,

but Boone idolizes Dillon.

Sissi

Re: I am sick. So Sick.

> In a message dated 10/27/2001 10:11:55 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

> vhunnius@... writes:

>

>

> > Terry,

> >

> > I am SO SORRY.>>

>

>

> Thanks, Jacquie...I'm still pretty shook but I do feel better since

posting

> to the list.

> >

> > Can you have him re-evaluated by your own expert?>>

>

> He had already been evaluated by a psychologist of our choosing. The ex

> considered it biased and so this was the court-ordered psych who was

> supposedly unbiased. Our psych indicated there were problems with anxiety

> and depression in addition to the nonverbal learning disability. This doc

> agrees with that but believes the cause is our home rather than anything

> inherently wrong.

>

> >

> > And why is he LYING?>>

>

> My guess is for two reason...one to garner some attention and sympathy

> regarding life with his autistic brother (which is a tough gig and I do

> understand that) and two, because I think at least on some level he wants

to

> go live with his dad. Disneyland vs. Autism, Disneyland vs. Autism,

> hmmmm.....

>

> > I know that I only know Ron through the list, but if I know ANYTHING,

it's

> > that he would NEVER lay his hand on a child.

> >

> >

>

> It's not Ron that Alec is saying hits him and leaves bruises. It's Sam.

The

> unfortunate 4 yr. old who worships the ground Alec walks on. Of all of us

in

> the home, I believe Sam is drawn to Alec the most though I know he loves

us

> all a great deal. Sam idolizes Alec, follows him from room to room, wants

to

> play with his toys and have toys just like his, talks about him in school

> constantly. The only times that Sam has hit out at Alec have been when

Alec

> was in Sam's face either correcting him or trying to get him to do

something

> Sam was opposed to doing (Alec has difficulty with personal space as well

as

> trying to parent the little ones). And even then, Sam's response has been

to

> hit out, or slap at Alec with the palms of his hands. He's never attacked

> Alec (or anyone) or punched Alec or anything like that, to my knowledge.

And

> believe me, Alec would tell on him if he did.

>

> ******Terry******

> Wife to: Ron

> Mom to: Alec 10, NVLD - Sam 4, Autism - Abbie 3, PDD-NOS

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Terry,

I dont even know what to say except that I am so sorry things are going so

difficult right now. You and Ron are wonderful parents and doing all you can

to do whats best for your children and all you can do to give your childrren

the best lives that you can.

You are in my thoughts and prayers

in SC

Mom to , 7 HFA

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/27/2001 8:45:31 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

cindynmb@... writes:

> I dont even know what to say except that I am so sorry things are going so

> difficult right now. You and Ron are wonderful parents and doing all you

> can

> to do whats best for your children and all you can do to give your

> childrren

> the best lives that you can.

>

> You are in my thoughts and prayers

>

> in SC

>

Thank you so much, . That helps. It helped just writing the post. I

had been tossing and turning for hours before that and felt better just

getting it out. Thank God for yall....

******Terry******

Wife to: Ron

Mom to: Alec 10, NVLD - Sam 4, Autism - Abbie 3, PDD-NOS

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/27/2001 10:11:55 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

vhunnius@... writes:

> Terry,

>

> I am SO SORRY.>>

Thanks, Jacquie...I'm still pretty shook but I do feel better since posting

to the list.

>

> Can you have him re-evaluated by your own expert?>>

He had already been evaluated by a psychologist of our choosing. The ex

considered it biased and so this was the court-ordered psych who was

supposedly unbiased. Our psych indicated there were problems with anxiety

and depression in addition to the nonverbal learning disability. This doc

agrees with that but believes the cause is our home rather than anything

inherently wrong.

>

> And why is he LYING?>>

My guess is for two reason...one to garner some attention and sympathy

regarding life with his autistic brother (which is a tough gig and I do

understand that) and two, because I think at least on some level he wants to

go live with his dad. Disneyland vs. Autism, Disneyland vs. Autism,

hmmmm.....

> I know that I only know Ron through the list, but if I know ANYTHING, it's

> that he would NEVER lay his hand on a child.

>

>

It's not Ron that Alec is saying hits him and leaves bruises. It's Sam. The

unfortunate 4 yr. old who worships the ground Alec walks on. Of all of us in

the home, I believe Sam is drawn to Alec the most though I know he loves us

all a great deal. Sam idolizes Alec, follows him from room to room, wants to

play with his toys and have toys just like his, talks about him in school

constantly. The only times that Sam has hit out at Alec have been when Alec

was in Sam's face either correcting him or trying to get him to do something

Sam was opposed to doing (Alec has difficulty with personal space as well as

trying to parent the little ones). And even then, Sam's response has been to

hit out, or slap at Alec with the palms of his hands. He's never attacked

Alec (or anyone) or punched Alec or anything like that, to my knowledge. And

believe me, Alec would tell on him if he did.

******Terry******

Wife to: Ron

Mom to: Alec 10, NVLD - Sam 4, Autism - Abbie 3, PDD-NOS

[Guest guest]

Terry,

I am SO SORRY.

Can you have him re-evaluated by your own expert?

And why is he LYING?

I know that I only know Ron through the list, but if I know ANYTHING, it's that

he would NEVER lay his hand on a child.

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

> go live with his dad. Disneyland vs. Autism, Disneyland vs. Autism,

> hmmmm.....

>

You know, I HATE to say it, but I'd be hard pressed to choose between the two

myself. And young kids are so me-centric, he can't possibly understand the

bigger issues.

Oh, YUCK.

(((hugs)))

So what's next?

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/27/01 4:12:54 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

parenting_autism writes:

> We finally got the court-ordered psych eval back today on Alec, my oldest

> that my ex is suing me for custody over.

>

>

Thank you for sharing your grief with us, Terry.

I have never seen such horrible, sickening treatment

of another human, and this equals to terrorism in my book.

I am thinking how very lucky you are to have Ron. Wow.

Things become clearer as I read your outrageous story,

and I see a cataclysm of one nightmare after another,

yet I see that by you reaching out to us, you are a

stronger woman than you think you are.

Can you get a second opinion that isn't biased?

Since when are 10 year olds allowed to evaluate themselves

especially when they are obviously troubled in some way?

Removing him from your LOVING home is not the answer.

Further evaluations by a competent group is the answer.

I encourage you to keep us posted, I want to be here for you.

Barb

[Guest guest]

What an ass. I guess this means more evals from docs at like a

children's hospital to counter the court eval. I'm so sorry. I know

you just want to help the kid and this sanctimonious jerk won't let

you help him because that must mean he's less perfect then? What an

ass. I'm so sorry. Keep fighting for Alec. You're his only hope.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/27/2001 8:45:48 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

cindynmb@... writes:

> Hi Terry,

>

> I dont even know what to say except that I am so sorry things are going so

> difficult right now. You and Ron are wonderful parents and doing all you

> can

> to do whats best for your children and all you can do to give your

> childrren

> the best lives that you can.

>

> You are in my thoughts and prayers

>

> in SC

>

Thank you

Ron

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/27/2001 10:30:04 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

vhunnius@... writes:

> So what's next?

>

> Jacquie

>

>

>

I've been fantasizing all day about taking bio-dad somewhere for some

attitude adjustment...being from the Northeast, real close to Providence R.I.

I know ways to correct attitudes that work real well..

It's times like this that make me wonder why I changed my evil ways...

Ron...who has no patience for spiritual justice

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/27/01 5:02:19 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

Bosocks1@... writes:

> > Hi Terry,

> >

> > I dont even know what to say except that I am so sorry things are going

> so

> > difficult right now. You and Ron are wonderful parents and doing all you

> > can

> > to do whats best for your children and all you can do to give your

> > childrren

> > the best lives that you can.

> >

> > You are in my thoughts and prayers

> >

> > in SC

> >

>

> Thank you

>

> Ron

>

>

You are quite welcome, Ron. And were all here for you when you need us.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/27/2001 6:26:34 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

cindynmb@... writes:

> You are quite welcome, Ron. And were all here for you when you need us.

>

>

>

>

>

Well, thanks again...I'll probably go on some kind of rant before the weekend

is over...

Ron

[Guest guest]

Terry and Ron,

What a terrible situation. I have been dealing with something similar here.

It has taken me several weeks to convince my ex (not officially yet) that

Bethany needs to be checked out. Now he is blaming me for the whole deal.

At least I don't have to worry about him wanting Beth living with him. He's

enjoying his new single life way too much.

I hope that you can get things straightened out. I feel so badly for you.

You give so much and then someone comes along telling you that it's not

enough. It's just not fair.

My thoughts are with you.

Amy H

Kepler 4 ASD and Bethany 6 NT

" There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of

us, that it behooves all of us not to talk about the rest of us. " ~

Louis son

_________________________________________________________________

Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp

[Guest guest]

Terry:

Oh, dear. Psychologists are a bit like the Bible; people can use them to

support just about anything. Can't you hire your own psychologist? Then

all you get is warring shrinks but still...

Has Alec lived with you all his life? How does he feel about all this?

Would he want to live with his father?

Sam hits him every day leaving bruises? How old is Sam? Four? And Alec is

ten? That's a load of hooey. Geez.

I am sorry you are going through this. For all I know, Lou will try to do

the same thing to me so I really empathize. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Salli

[Guest guest]

> >

> > Can you have him re-evaluated by your own expert?>>

>

> He had already been evaluated by a psychologist of our choosing. The ex

> considered it biased and so this was the court-ordered psych who was

> supposedly unbiased. \

No psychologist is unbiased. Especially not when the people who hired him

have an axe to grind.

> >

> > And why is he LYING?>>

>

> My guess is for two reason...one to garner some attention and sympathy

> regarding life with his autistic brother (which is a tough gig and I do

> understand that) and two, because I think at least on some level he wants

to

> go live with his dad. Disneyland vs. Autism, Disneyland vs. Autism,

> hmmmm.....

I am sorry to hear that. And grateful that my kids are unlikely to lie

about something like that because they would rather live in chaos here than

with horrible Lou. Of course things can always change. And Alec does have

a hard time, no doubt about it. I see that Sophie and in

particular don't get their full needs met in my family.

The only times that Sam has hit out at Alec have been when Alec

> was in Sam's face either correcting him or trying to get him to do

something

> Sam was opposed to doing (Alec has difficulty with personal space as well

as

> trying to parent the little ones). And even then, Sam's response has been

to

> hit out, or slap at Alec with the palms of his hands. He's never attacked

> Alec (or anyone) or punched Alec or anything like that, to my knowledge.

And

> believe me, Alec would tell on him if he did.

So sad.

Salli

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/27/2001 11:04:10 AM Eastern Standard Time,

reynoldspm@... writes:

> What an ass. I guess this means more evals from docs at like a

> children's hospital to counter the court eval. I'm so sorry. I know

> you just want to help the kid and this sanctimonious jerk won't let

> you help him because that must mean he's less perfect then? What an

> ass. I'm so sorry. Keep fighting for Alec. You're his only hope.

>

>

Yes, he is an ass. Utterly. Thank you for your sympathy, it really does

help....

******Terry******

Wife to: Ron

Mom to: Alec 10, NVLD - Sam 4, Autism - Abbie 3, PDD-NOS

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/28/2001 11:39:12 AM Eastern Standard Time,

nospam@... writes:

> Sometimes that's what it takes. The 24/7 exposure to see what's

> really going on.>>

I think so, too. And if I made any mistakes in this deal (and I'm sure I

did) it's that I didn't just let him go with his dad when this all started.

But, I was afraid that he would never get help and though I still am, I am

seriously considering it for a number of reasons.

>

> And shame on that judge for blaming you and your children for Alec's

> problems. What an idiot.

>

>

It's not the judge...at least not yet. It was the psychologist that was

court-ordered to eval Alec in an unbiased way. Though I am very much afraid

that the judge will rely heavily on what the eval says...

******Terry******

Wife to: Ron

Mom to: Alec 10, NVLD - Sam 4, Autism - Abbie 3, PDD-NOS

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/27/2001 12:10:26 PM Eastern Standard Time,

nitetrax@... writes:

> I can really relate to this. This is a fairly new development around here,

> but Boone idolizes Dillon.

>

How is Dillon with this? Didn't you mention before some embarrassment on his

part about Boone? I think Alec relishes it at least here at home...and with

his friends that are girls (which his friends primarily are, for some reason)

it's not too uncool. Not as uncool as other boys would find it, I think.

Sam wanting his toys is a bit of a bother for Alec which I can understand and

actually Alec is much better about sharing with Sam (at least the

nonbreakable stuff) than I would have expected him to be....

******Terry******

Wife to: Ron

Mom to: Alec 10, NVLD - Sam 4, Autism - Abbie 3, PDD-NOS

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/27/2001 2:21:30 PM Eastern Standard Time,

IBSourMouse@... writes:

> Can you get a second opinion that isn't biased?

> Since when are 10 year olds allowed to evaluate themselves

> especially when they are obviously troubled in some way?

>

> Removing him from your LOVING home is not the answer.

> Further evaluations by a competent group is the answer.

>

> I encourage you to keep us posted, I want to be here for you.

>

Thank you so much, Barb! How sweet of you to say that!

I think you're right about further evals and I think said something

about a children's hospital (one specializing in NVLD would be good if there

is such a thing because what I've read certainly does fit Alec to a T, the

folks around here just don't think it's a problem unless the child is doing

really poorly in school).

My only problem with additional evals (well, not my only problem, there is

the $ issue also unfortunately) is that I am afraid of the " doctor shopping "

label in this day and age because it can be wrongly construed as almost a

Munchausen's kind of thing and believe me, if my ex was smart enough to know

what Munchausens is, I'm sure that would be the next accusation.

That brings up something Ron and I were talking about last night that I do

FIRMLY believe is evident in all of this. The what do I know, I am just a

mom thing. My ex goes to all of these docs in his business suit with his PhD

business card in hand sounding like such a reasonable and involved man

(impressive in itself in comparison to so many deadbeat dads). And here I am

in jeans, T-shirt and baseball cap with ponytail pulled through, just an

SAHM. I can just about guarantee if I was still a DON at one of the local

long-term care facilities arriving at appointments in one of my work suits,

none of this would have played out like it has. As if I checked my brain at

the door to my house when I decided not to go back to work. Who the hell do

they think is the one who diagnosed Sam? Or recognized the problems with

Abbie so early on, for that matter? Oh hell, I don't need to get started

again....

******Terry******

Wife to: Ron

Mom to: Alec 10, NVLD - Sam 4, Autism - Abbie 3, PDD-NOS

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/27/2001 7:13:06 PM Eastern Standard Time,

bunnytiner@... writes:

> Has Alec lived with you all his life?

Yes, he has.

How does he feel about all this?>>

I don't know...it is really difficult to tell with Alec. I think part of him

would like to live with Mike. And part of him would like to live with us. I

think the truth is he'd really like for all of us to live together, HAHAHAHA

>

> Sam hits him every day leaving bruises? How old is Sam? Four? And Alec is

> ten? That's a load of hooey. Geez.>>

LOL, so true. And believe me, if this was happening Alec would have told his

dad as well. And if his dad thought for one minute that this was going on,

I'd sure have heard about it long before now.

> I am sorry you are going through this. For all I know, Lou will try to do

> the same thing to me so I really empathize. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

>

>

Thanks, Salli, so much. And I really hope not about the Lou part. I think

as long as he isn't involved with someone else, you'll be relatively safe

from what I understand. I'm on a list for moms who are noncustodial (or fear

they're about to be) and I don't think I've read any whose husbands took

custody that there wasn't a girlfriend or stepmom involved. I think that's

the case with my ex...I don't think he'd have ever pursued this alone. He

sure didn't for 5 years before this and I've done other things with Alec that

he didn't necessarily agree with.

******Terry******

Wife to: Ron

Mom to: Alec 10, NVLD - Sam 4, Autism - Abbie 3, PDD-NOS

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/27/2001 7:23:41 PM Eastern Standard Time,

bunnytiner@... writes:

> I am sorry to hear that. And grateful that my kids are unlikely to lie

> about something like that because they would rather live in chaos here than

> with horrible Lou. Of course things can always change. And Alec does have

> a hard time, no doubt about it. I see that Sophie and in

>

This is so true...but I guess I was expecting the psych to see and want to

address that by helping us help him deal with it here. I mean, how many kids

in the world are in the same position with a sibling with special needs? And

you know what? As hard as it is there are other things they are learning from

it too, like compassion for one.

I just never dreamed a professional would think that removing him from the

environment would be a possible solution.

******Terry******

Wife to: Ron

Mom to: Alec 10, NVLD - Sam 4, Autism - Abbie 3, PDD-NOS

[Guest guest]

Terry -

This is sickening..

Wish there was something I could say.

If it helps AT ALL, IF Mike gets custody of Alec (and I really hope

it doesn't get that far), it will not take long for the perfect

fiance and her perfect children to realize that there is actually

something going on with Alec.

Sometimes that's what it takes. The 24/7 exposure to see what's

really going on.

And shame on that judge for blaming you and your children for Alec's

problems. What an idiot.

Penny :-(

[Guest guest]

Terry and Ron,

I am so sorry to hear that this so called professional has had the wool

pulled over his eyes. I can only imagine how bad this report must feel to

you both. I wish there was something I could do or say that could make this

mess go away for you all.

(((((((((((Terry, Ron))))))))))

Sue

I am sick. So Sick.

> We finally got the court-ordered psych eval back today on Alec, my oldest

> that my ex is suing me for custody over.

>

> I am sickened.

>

> Not only does the psychologist agree that Alec's problems are minimal, but

he

> believes that they are a result of his environment. Never mind the NVLD

> which he does agree Alec has.

>

> The report is long...it is filled with test scores that I will have to

> research to be able to understand. It also appears slanted in that

> information that Alec gave that portrayed our home in a negative light was

> taken as gospel (he told the doc that Sam hits him at least once a day and

he

> is bruised as a result - NOT TRUE) while other areas that Alec discussed

were

> minimized (Alec filled out a Conner's self-test for ADD and scored himself

> higher than his teachers had. The doc then says that the test is age

> inappropriate because the norms begin for age 12 and Alec is 10. He goes

on

> to explain Alec's remarks about his high frustration level being in

response

> to his brother's aggression. The doc does this also on the depression

> inventory Alec completed...explaining away the remarks Alec made that

> indicated depression.)

>

> There's a whole lot more. Basically, it is the same deal my ex

> claims...either there is nothing wrong with Alec or if there is something,

> then it has been caused by his having to live in our home.

>

> But, I think the part that hurt me the worst was in the " father's

> perspective " part, the doc wrote that my ex had stated that in his home

Alec

> would have a " better environment, he would have 2 healthy children (his

> fiancee's children) to play with. " And the doc actually makes it sound as

if

> he understands that logic if not downright agrees when he summarizes his

> report by saying that Alec needs a " less stressful " environment right

after

> discussing again the conflict between Alec and his siblings and Sam

hitting

> him.

>

> I could write for a year about how much I hate, loathe, despise my ex but

> that is pointless. I guess I'll just sum this up by saying that I am just

> crushed. I feel like not only can I not get Alec help, but this doc sure

> sounds like he's leaning in the direction of him living with Mike in his

less

> stressful household with his fiancee's 2 fucking healthy kids. Sorry.

>

> Oh, and I almost forgot to add that we were called to come get my

> not-anything-really-wrong-with-him son from school today and he was

suspended

> from Fall Festival (as well as probable detention next Saturday) for

throwing

> rocks at cars at recess (Alec actually hit one, scaring a woman half to

> death). Of course, I'm sure that doesn't indicate anything other than

what a

> messed up home he's living in.

>

> Did I say I am just sick about this? :<

>

>

> ******Terry******

> Wife to: Ron

> Mom to: Alec 10, NVLD - Sam 4, Autism - Abbie 3, PDD-NOS

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>>> And part of him would like to live with us. I think the truth is

>>he'd really like for all of us to live together, HAHAHAHA<<<<

> >

Terry and Ron -

I know you laugh, but IMOSHO, I think you just hit the nail on the

head. I didn't want to say it, but I think that is a HUGE part of

it. Really. Here's mom with new husband. They have two babies. Alec

may think he's not 'part' of the 'new' family. Then there's Dad,

who's not around, but HEY! New kids over there get to spend all this

time with him.

Pursue this one if you can, guys. I mean it. I lived it. And I

waited MUCH too long to do something about it.

All kidding aside.

Penny