Re: an idea

[Guest guest]

Thanks Bobbie for passing on your therapist's advice! (I'll definitely give it

a shot.) Also please try to put yourself and your health first during your

upcoming visit -- not easy for KOs -- but you've said you're pregnant and, for

me anyway, that made handling emotionally volatile situations even more

challenging....

During my nada's most recent rage attack, I used this technique -- I started

focusing on the physical and emotional effects her behavior was having on me

rather than her scene. And I started for some reason just blurting them out to

her instead of responding to what she was saying -- " Mom, this is scaring me.

My hands are shaking, look at my hands, my heart is pounding, I can feel my

blood-pressure getting higher, " etc., like I was noticing the effects of her

behavior for the first time and it was all a surprise to me. I just focused on

my astonishment at the physical effects of her words and kind of ignored her!

She didn't really know what to make of it because I'd never done that before --

and in a weird way, it changd the whole dynamic because I wasn't paying full

attention to her drama but focusing instead on my physical reactions to it.

But I thought this might be helpful to you if your nada starts to act out --

even just a little -- because given your " pregnancy card " you can justifiably be

more concerned with your physical health and use this to excuse yourself and

leave the situation as soon as you notice she's having an effect on you...

Another thing I did recently -- when she was enraged and doing some terrible

driving, just backing her car directly at my son's bike in the driveway again

and again, getting madder and more frustrated each time -- was laugh! She just

looked so ridiculous to be so angry at a kid's bike... I stood watching her and

couldn't help laughing, and my son looked at me in shock, and then he started

laughing, too! Of course, she stayed angry and was completely shocked that we

would dare to laugh at her -- but my son and I could see how ridiculous it was,

and it really diffused the situation for us both.

Being trapped in close proximity with a nada is a challenge -- and it's awful to

have to expose kids to that -- just remember your child will take their cues

from you, not her.

Good luck with your trip -- and I'm so glad you're seeing a therapist for extra

help with this situation!

Shana

an idea

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> I have been talking to a therapist for a short while now and he is

> trying to help. I saw him tonight and we talked about my trip to see

> my Nada and family. He gave me this suggestion and exercise to try

> while i am there. He said instead of listening to my nada talk

> as i

> usually do by think about how she makes me feel or what the meaning

> behind her words are (becasue there is always one) or what is coming

> next, I should listen to the words only and not listen to the

> way they

> are said(tone, expression...) or how it makes me feeling or the

> meaning behaind everything i should just listen to the words. He said

> by doing this i might find that her words don't make sense or that

> they are crazy or they just make me made because they are so

> rediculous but i will have a way out and not let her hurt me or make

> me mad or upset. He also said that no one can make you anything you

> have to allow them to have the power and allow them to affect your

> feelings. He explained that the exercise will be very tiring

> and i

> wil probably be exhausted after 5 days of it but it should help and

> once i get the hang of it it will help all the time and get easier.

>

> I just thought that the things he said and the exercise he gave me

> were very interesting and worth a try. I am not sure if it would work

> for anyone else but i thought i would mention it as an idea for you

> all to try if you need something to help you get through a day

> or a

> few days. Just an idea. hope everyone is well.

>

> Bobbie

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Bobbie, my therapist suggested doing something rather similar:

pretending to be a journalist on my trip home to visit the foo, an

outsider that was just recording what happened. An outsider has no

background and can't understand the hidden meaning of things and

might even discount certain nasty tones because he/she can't

understand why the person would be angry or upset and therefore just

assumes that he/she misheard.

I found that the actual experiment for me was pretty difficult and

that I just fell back into the old patterns at the time, HOWEVER,

now that I've worked for a long time on dealing with BPD, I find

myself taking things much more at face value perhaps due to all the

work I did with my T. So, if you're T can help you get to that

point faster, go for it! It's a lot less stressful to look at

things that way.

Trish

>

> I have been talking to a therapist for a short while now and he is

> trying to help. I saw him tonight and we talked about my trip to

see

> my Nada and family. He gave me this suggestion and exercise to try

> while i am there. He said instead of listening to my nada talk as i

> usually do by think about how she makes me feel or what the meaning

> behind her words are (becasue there is always one) or what is

coming

> next, I should listen to the words only and not listen to the way

they

> are said(tone, expression...) or how it makes me feeling or the

> meaning behaind everything i should just listen to the words. He

said

> by doing this i might find that her words don't make sense or that

> they are crazy or they just make me made because they are so

> rediculous but i will have a way out and not let her hurt me or

make

> me mad or upset. He also said that no one can make you anything you

> have to allow them to have the power and allow them to affect your

> feelings. He explained that the exercise will be very tiring and i

> wil probably be exhausted after 5 days of it but it should help and

> once i get the hang of it it will help all the time and get easier.

>

> I just thought that the things he said and the exercise he gave me

> were very interesting and worth a try. I am not sure if it would

work

> for anyone else but i thought i would mention it as an idea for you

> all to try if you need something to help you get through a day or a

> few days. Just an idea. hope everyone is well.

>

> Bobbie

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for this idea of just listening to the words. It made me

think of a telephone conversation I had with my Mom just a couple

days ago. It was a very pleasant conversation. She was being

friendly and nice, and I relaxed and shared some things with her

that I immediately regretted because they were about a problem some

other family members are having that she might meddle in. I said

that I shouldn't have shared what I did, and she reassured me it was

ok. (Think of Kaa in the Jungle Book – " Trust in meeeee, trust in

meeee… " ) Mom's really mellowed out, I thought. Maybe she's not BPD

at all. Maybe she just had some fleas. After the conversation, I

realized that she had gotten quite a bit of information out of me,

as well as delivered at least one good " zinger " – those quick

insults that hide inside an otherwise friendly conversation, so you

don't notice until the opportunity to respond is past. She threw in

my face, for the bazillionth time, that I got pregnant out of

wedlock and so did my daughter. " At least she waited until she was

24 to have a baby " was all she said. (I was 19). If I had been

listening to the words, instead of being lulled into complacency by

her pleasant tone, I might have sweetly said " Mom, that was nearly

40 years ago. Isn't it about time to let it go? " I think often I

pay so much attention to her tone of voice (and in person, other

nonverbal cues) to make sure she isn't getting angry, that I don't

hear the words. Often I can't remember what she said at all. When

I was a child, I was terrified of her rage, and so if she wasn't

raging and she sounded and acted pleasant, I felt relieved and

thought I was safe. Actually that may have been when I was in most

danger. She turned me into a people pleaser. Anything to keep

people from getting angry. But I digress. I think the suggestion

to pay attention to one's physical and emotional reactions is good

too. I wasn't comfortable with the conversation, even though I

didn't know why.

I will see Mom next week, along with a lot of FOO, for my brother's

wedding. I just found out Mom had a fight with my daughter (the one

I got pregnant with years ago), so this should be interesting. I

will practice both listening to the words, and listening to my own

reactions.

>

> Thanks Bobbie for passing on your therapist's advice! (I'll

definitely give it a shot.) Also please try to put yourself and

your health first during your upcoming visit -- not easy for KOs --

but you've said you're pregnant and, for me anyway, that made

handling emotionally volatile situations even more challenging....

>

> During my nada's most recent rage attack, I used this technique --

I started focusing on the physical and emotional effects her

behavior was having on me rather than her scene. And I started for

some reason just blurting them out to her instead of responding to

what she was saying -- " Mom, this is scaring me. My hands are

shaking, look at my hands, my heart is pounding, I can feel my blood-

pressure getting higher, " etc., like I was noticing the effects of

her behavior for the first time and it was all a surprise to me. I

just focused on my astonishment at the physical effects of her words

and kind of ignored her!

>

> She didn't really know what to make of it because I'd never done

that before -- and in a weird way, it changd the whole dynamic

because I wasn't paying full attention to her drama but focusing

instead on my physical reactions to it.

>

> But I thought this might be helpful to you if your nada starts to

act out -- even just a little -- because given your " pregnancy card "

you can justifiably be more concerned with your physical health and

use this to excuse yourself and leave the situation as soon as you

notice she's having an effect on you...

>

> Another thing I did recently -- when she was enraged and doing

some terrible driving, just backing her car directly at my son's

bike in the driveway again and again, getting madder and more

frustrated each time -- was laugh! She just looked so ridiculous

to be so angry at a kid's bike... I stood watching her and couldn't

help laughing, and my son looked at me in shock, and then he started

laughing, too! Of course, she stayed angry and was completely

shocked that we would dare to laugh at her -- but my son and I could

see how ridiculous it was, and it really diffused the situation for

us both.

>

> Being trapped in close proximity with a nada is a challenge -- and

it's awful to have to expose kids to that -- just remember your

child will take their cues from you, not her.

>

> Good luck with your trip -- and I'm so glad you're seeing a

therapist for extra help with this situation!

>

> Shana

>

>

>

>

>

>

> an idea

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

>

> > I have been talking to a therapist for a short while now and he

is

> > trying to help. I saw him tonight and we talked about my trip to

see

> > my Nada and family. He gave me this suggestion and exercise to

try

> > while i am there. He said instead of listening to my nada talk

> > as i

> > usually do by think about how she makes me feel or what the

meaning

> > behind her words are (becasue there is always one) or what is

coming

> > next, I should listen to the words only and not listen to the

> > way they

> > are said(tone, expression...) or how it makes me feeling or the

> > meaning behaind everything i should just listen to the words. He

said

> > by doing this i might find that her words don't make sense or

that

> > they are crazy or they just make me made because they are so

> > rediculous but i will have a way out and not let her hurt me or

make

> > me mad or upset. He also said that no one can make you anything

you

> > have to allow them to have the power and allow them to affect

your

> > feelings. He explained that the exercise will be very tiring

> > and i

> > wil probably be exhausted after 5 days of it but it should help

and

> > once i get the hang of it it will help all the time and get

easier.

> >

> > I just thought that the things he said and the exercise he gave

me

> > were very interesting and worth a try. I am not sure if it would

work

> > for anyone else but i thought i would mention it as an idea for

you

> > all to try if you need something to help you get through a day

> > or a

> > few days. Just an idea. hope everyone is well.

> >

> > Bobbie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I love that name " homefriedcheesemama " ! It gives me warm fuzzies for

some reason.

Lori

> >

> > Thanks Bobbie for passing on your therapist's advice! (I'll

> definitely give it a shot.) Also please try to put yourself and

> your health first during your upcoming visit -- not easy for KOs --

> but you've said you're pregnant and, for me anyway, that made

> handling emotionally volatile situations even more challenging....

> >

> > During my nada's most recent rage attack, I used this technique -

-

> I started focusing on the physical and emotional effects her

> behavior was having on me rather than her scene. And I started

for

> some reason just blurting them out to her instead of responding to

> what she was saying -- " Mom, this is scaring me. My hands are

> shaking, look at my hands, my heart is pounding, I can feel my

blood-

> pressure getting higher, " etc., like I was noticing the effects of

> her behavior for the first time and it was all a surprise to me.

I

> just focused on my astonishment at the physical effects of her

words

> and kind of ignored her!

> >

> > She didn't really know what to make of it because I'd never done

> that before -- and in a weird way, it changd the whole dynamic

> because I wasn't paying full attention to her drama but focusing

> instead on my physical reactions to it.

> >

> > But I thought this might be helpful to you if your nada starts

to

> act out -- even just a little -- because given your " pregnancy

card "

> you can justifiably be more concerned with your physical health

and

> use this to excuse yourself and leave the situation as soon as you

> notice she's having an effect on you...

> >

> > Another thing I did recently -- when she was enraged and doing

> some terrible driving, just backing her car directly at my son's

> bike in the driveway again and again, getting madder and more

> frustrated each time -- was laugh! She just looked so ridiculous

> to be so angry at a kid's bike... I stood watching her and

couldn't

> help laughing, and my son looked at me in shock, and then he

started

> laughing, too! Of course, she stayed angry and was completely

> shocked that we would dare to laugh at her -- but my son and I

could

> see how ridiculous it was, and it really diffused the situation

for

> us both.

> >

> > Being trapped in close proximity with a nada is a challenge --

and

> it's awful to have to expose kids to that -- just remember your

> child will take their cues from you, not her.

> >

> > Good luck with your trip -- and I'm so glad you're seeing a

> therapist for extra help with this situation!

> >

> > Shana

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > an idea

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> >

> > > I have been talking to a therapist for a short while now and

he

> is

> > > trying to help. I saw him tonight and we talked about my trip

to

> see

> > > my Nada and family. He gave me this suggestion and exercise to

> try

> > > while i am there. He said instead of listening to my nada talk

> > > as i

> > > usually do by think about how she makes me feel or what the

> meaning

> > > behind her words are (becasue there is always one) or what is

> coming

> > > next, I should listen to the words only and not listen to the

> > > way they

> > > are said(tone, expression...) or how it makes me feeling or the

> > > meaning behaind everything i should just listen to the words.

He

> said

> > > by doing this i might find that her words don't make sense or

> that

> > > they are crazy or they just make me made because they are so

> > > rediculous but i will have a way out and not let her hurt me

or

> make

> > > me mad or upset. He also said that no one can make you

anything

> you

> > > have to allow them to have the power and allow them to affect

> your

> > > feelings. He explained that the exercise will be very tiring

> > > and i

> > > wil probably be exhausted after 5 days of it but it should

help

> and

> > > once i get the hang of it it will help all the time and get

> easier.

> > >

> > > I just thought that the things he said and the exercise he

gave

> me

> > > were very interesting and worth a try. I am not sure if it

would

> work

> > > for anyone else but i thought i would mention it as an idea

for

> you

> > > all to try if you need something to help you get through a day

> > > or a

> > > few days. Just an idea. hope everyone is well.

> > >

> > > Bobbie

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >