limiting contact

[Guest guest]

" Here's where we differ. Since my experience is that my visits and

calls make no difference to her (neither more nor less happy), and

don't help me at all, I've cut mine back to nearly nothing. I call

for her birthday and holidays, perhaps a few extra times, no more

than once a month. That's plenty for me. I talk about trivial issues

only and hang up after only a few minutes. I do it out of duty only.

Nothing I do will change her feelings of unhappiness so why waste

limited time and energy? "

Here's where I really admire people like you. Over the years of increasing

frustration I have fantasized many times about just cutting out and not being

there for all the drama anymore. Now that I understand what is really going

on here (I.e., probably diagnosable mental illness and not just " this is how any

person would act who'd been sexually abused " ), I feel like, Well, here's the

constant complaining, demands to be agreed with and validated and my beliefs

exactly the same as hers all the time, only discussing what she wants to discuss

(who did what to her today, yesterday, and last year), and never displaying an

opinion contrary to hers on the one hand; and the other relatives who are either

getting me in trouble by forcing me to hear them complain about her/or even if I

don't listen I get accused of being in league with them against her anyway,

while they make snide comments about my weight/finances all the while ...

(Does that make ANY sense? Oh, dear ... ) I look at all this, how it's been

going on for 38 years and is getting worse all the time, and think, You know

what? I've had enough. Every way I try to maneuver here just lands me in more

trouble and aggravation and I have my own problems to solve ... I just want to

cut ties. End it all, be GONE.

I worry that I will one day look back and regret it ... but then I look at it

realistically and say, How? It can't possibly get any worse! and it sure as

hell will never get any better.

Anyway, anybody still in contact with FOO's like this, my hat's off to you. You

deserve a medal.

--LL.