Re: huntsman? from UBM

[Guest guest]

The Huntsman is one of the father types in the book Understanding the Borderline

Mother.

A MUST read. My dad is definitely the huntsman but I am sure a lot of you can

find your

dad in one of these types. Here's a quick breakdown of the father types that

marry a BPD

woman.

The Frog-Prince:

Is perceived as an underdog

Is emotionally constricted;may numb feelings with drugs or alcohol.

May suffer from borderline personality disorder

The Huntsman:

Is good-hearted, loyal, principled, easygoing, and hardworking.

Uses denial and avoidance to regulate emotions

Derives self-estemm from duty, honor and service

The King:

Feels entitled to special treatment

Requires constant attention and admiration

Tends to withdraw when hurt

The Fisherman:

Relinquishes his will to the witch

Has little or no self-esteem; sees himself as a loser

Fails to protect his children from abuse

Here's a further quote from the book explaining the Huntsman: " Because the

Huntsman is

highly regarded by others, his children trust his judgement more than their own.

Hunstmen subtly encourage their children to tolerate the Hermit's abusive

behavior.

Doing one's duty, staying in one's place and not causing trouble are messages

from the

Huntsman father that can endanger his children. He fails to validate his

children's

perceptions and in doing so minimizes their pain. Denial and avoidance, ridid

adherence

to rules of behaviorl, and invalidation of his children's feelings may allow the

Huntsman to

maintain attachment to the borderline Hermit at the expense of his children "

I am willing to literally copy parts of the text from this book because UBM has

helped me

more than anything to break out my feelings into little parts. It has been a

guide through

the confusion. I highly recommend!

-Marcelle

> What's a huntsman? I'm guessing this is from a book I haven't read

> yet. And what's up with nada and fada as well?

>

> sunny the curious

[Guest guest]

I think my Dad is a combination of the Frog-Prince and the the King. He has

drank alcohol daily since the age of 16, and is very narsistic, and

attracted to women with BPD. I've even wondered if he isn't BPD himself.

My fada and Nada were divorced when I was 10, and I had Fada up on a

pedastal until I was 25 years old (could do no wrong, the perfect Dad/guy).

All I ever wanted was to be closer to my Dad. Reality hit me hard finally

at the age of 25 in my last quarter of college, when my Dad began to date my

best friend, who lived 2 blocks away from me. He began to drive the

110miles to my town every weekend to visit her. I could see his car at her

house. He's go camping with her and her kids. This friend of mine was

extremely codependent and a control freak, very dishonest. He was cheating

on his girlfriend (whom I didn't like much) but this disgusted me. Above

all I saw how he could drive this far on a regular basis to me with a woman

he barely knew (my age) for sex, yet here I was, his daughter, and had lived

in this same town for 15 years then, since my parents divorced longing to

see my father and spend more time with him, and he never once drove to see

me, to pick me up, or drove me home. He was such a cheap skate we (me and

my little brother) had to take the greyhound bus for visits with him when I

was 10 and he was 8. He came crashing down off that pedastal hard and fast

right then. I could see reality and who he really was, and what kind of

father he really was.

When my parents were still married, my Dad ruled the household like a King.

Everything he said went, period. Not even my Mother had a voice. It was

just like that. When they divorced he blamed her entirely, and she blamed

him. They still hate each other to this day, and blame each other for pain

in each other's lives in some way (after 31 yrs).

Their marriage was a fairy tale, which I bought hook, line, and sinker,

because I was the oldest child, the hero child, the good little girl, and

playing my role to a T. I believed the fantasy/lie to my core, which was

that they were happily married and we had the perfect family, they the

perfect marriage.

When they split, and this all changed, and Nada explained to me that she was

really unhappy all those years married to my father, that she just pretended

to be happy " for the sake of the children " , I was then supposed to hate my

father. But, instead I hated her for ruining everything, and for her

neglect/abuse of me (trying to get me to hate my Dad). I raged at her.

This reinforced her victim role, and turned me into the perpetrator (rather

than my father).

My StepDad is the Huntsman. In many ways he is the sanest parent I've had,

the most stable, most secure, and always there, and like a rock consistent.

I love my StepDad (now 81, he is 19 yrs. older than NAda; they married when

I was 14). But, the Huntsman describes him exactly. He was raised by

immigrants in NY city, and his father and brother both died tragically of

alcoholism. He is codependent. He uses denial and avoidance and rarely if

ever expresses any emotions. When my parents first married he used the

silent treatment often, not really anymore.

I remember when I was in treatment the last time for Chemical Dependency (I

was a late stage chronic alcoholic at age 26, and had been an active alcohol

throughout my teen years living at home in my parents house). My Counselor

really wanted my stepdad to come for family (2 days of treatment), but I

knew that my Dad would not (bc he was an alcoholic), and I knew my StepDad

would not either and I was afraid to ask him (didn't want to make him

uncomfortable, fear of rejection), but I knew he would never come there and

participate in such a thing, he just would not. I asked him at her

direction, and he said he couldn't because he had to stay and " take care of

my mentally ill brother " . I knew this was only an excuse (avoidance and

denial). And, it made me sad, and it hurt. This was precisely why I did

not want to ask him.

My StepDad lives with my nada, and sometimes I wonder what that must be like

for him. But, when problems have occurred between her and I, or her and my

brother, and it used to get pretty bad when we were younger, he stepped back

and never took an active role. He always supported her from the background.

He has a tendency to minimize and explain away her behavior, as well as

enable her to continue on I think. I worry about what Nada will do when he

passes.

Re: huntsman? from UBM

> The Huntsman is one of the father types in the book Understanding the

> Borderline Mother.

> A MUST read. My dad is definitely the huntsman but I am sure a lot of you

> can find your

> dad in one of these types. Here's a quick breakdown of the father types

> that marry a BPD

> woman.

>

> The Frog-Prince:

> Is perceived as an underdog

> Is emotionally constricted;may numb feelings with drugs or alcohol.

> May suffer from borderline personality disorder

>

> The Huntsman:

> Is good-hearted, loyal, principled, easygoing, and hardworking.

> Uses denial and avoidance to regulate emotions

> Derives self-estemm from duty, honor and service

>

> The King:

> Feels entitled to special treatment

> Requires constant attention and admiration

> Tends to withdraw when hurt

>

> The Fisherman:

> Relinquishes his will to the witch

> Has little or no self-esteem; sees himself as a loser

> Fails to protect his children from abuse

>

> Here's a further quote from the book explaining the Huntsman: " Because the

> Huntsman is

> highly regarded by others, his children trust his judgement more than

> their own.

> Hunstmen subtly encourage their children to tolerate the Hermit's abusive

> behavior.

> Doing one's duty, staying in one's place and not causing trouble are

> messages from the

> Huntsman father that can endanger his children. He fails to validate his

> children's

> perceptions and in doing so minimizes their pain. Denial and avoidance,

> ridid adherence

> to rules of behaviorl, and invalidation of his children's feelings may

> allow the Huntsman to

> maintain attachment to the borderline Hermit at the expense of his

> children "

>

> I am willing to literally copy parts of the text from this book because

> UBM has helped me

> more than anything to break out my feelings into little parts. It has

> been a guide through

> the confusion. I highly recommend!

> -Marcelle

>

>

>

>> What's a huntsman? I'm guessing this is from a book I haven't read

>> yet. And what's up with nada and fada as well?

>>

>> sunny the curious

>

>

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

> 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>