I have been FOGGED!

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted, or even lurked, since Christmas,

which I got through just fine thanks to this group.

Right after New Year's, I went south to spend the

winter in the desert, partly because I found someone

there to take me on as a trainee in a profession I am

trying to see if I can do and partly to be further

away from my NADA.

So I have been 8 hours away by car instead of only an

hour and 45 minutes. Even though I went NC with Nada

all summer and then, at lunch with her the day before

Thanksgiving(I had decided that minimal contact would

work better than absolutely no contact), she made it

clear that she no longer wants to have anything to do

with me( am I being " punished " for being NC all

summer? my guess is Yes!), I knew that being further

away would be a good idea, if only to stop " the

committee in my head " from guilting me.

And I have had a great winter, with no feelings of

guilt. The only problem was that the person I was

training with turned out to be awful! And he fired

me!! He was probably BP and I knew I could not train

with him. So, I was relieved, actually.

Additionally, Nada no longer calls on Sunday mornings,

as she used to do every Sunday, nor at any other

time(she now calls my daughter). Also, a relief! I

totally recommend distance! It has been

wonderful.....until my birthday last week.

I decided that I was not going to call her and tell

her what I wanted for my birthday, and she did not

call me to find out! (Last year I had needed some

financial help right around the time of my birthday

and Nada refused to help me, despite the facts that

she has plenty of money and I live on disability. This

was one of the reasons I went NC).

Instead this year, I received a birthday card from her

3 days before my birthday with a check in it. The

check was large enough to make me feel guilty. Not

gulty about something specific but just in-general

guilty about being her daughter. However, the

check, for someone as well-off financially as she, was

not that large--quite tiny relative to her bank

account balance. And I didn't feel it was large

enough for me to feel lots of warm-and-fuzzy

gratitude. I briefly thought of returning it to her

but I could use the money and I knew that returning it

would result in her becoming enraged. And me being

split even blacker than I currently am!

So I put my thoughts aside and had an enjoyable

birthday, and NADA, for the first time in many years,

did not call me to wish me a happy birthday.

The day after my birthday, I stewed all day about

whether I should call her to thank her for the check

or write her a thank-you-note. I was full of fear

about being disinherited if I only wrote a note. And

feeling obligated, as she had remembered my birthday.

However, I knew, in my gut, I did not want to call

her. Finally, thanks to everything I have learned from

this group, I figured out that I was feeling Fear,

Obligation and Guilt! FOG-- the classic way that BPs

try to control their relationships! What a relief to

realize that! So I wrote NADA a nice thank you note!

And felt much better!

I am trying to do minimal contact: a gift and/or card

when appropriate, phone calls on Thanksgiving, Xmas,

and Easter, and hopefully being in her presence only

2-3 times a year, with others present so I am not

alone with her. It is easier on my children than if I

go NC. And so far, the strategy has worked, probably

because she has dismissed me from her life! Plus,I am

8 hours away!

By the way, when I went NC, I was exhausted and spent

four days in bed. I was also very down(grieving) for

several weeks.

Dee--I am so sorry your mother is still such a

nightmare and that you have had to cope with her for

so long. My Nada is only 87! 96 is incredible!! .

Sylvia--it is wonderful to see that you are still

posting here, too. You always have wise things to

say. You both have been so helpful to me in the past

and it is comforting to see that you both are still

here. I now know I will probably stay in contact with

this group until Nada dies, as there is always

something unexpected to deal with.

And welcome to all the newbies. This is a great group

with lots of support.

Hugs to you all,

__________________________________________________