Guest guest Posted June 24, 2006 Report Posted June 24, 2006 The Bpd's of this may not be capable of love or empathy, but I believe that each and everyone of us are. Everyone is in a different stage of healing. Do not, no matter how painful it is, cheat yourself out of loving them. It would be a lie to say we don't love them. They have hurt us beyond belief and if you have contact with them they will continue to hurt you. That is a fact and reality. You can hate what they do and what they have done. You need to be angry and hold them responsible for there choice not to get help, but to hate them would detroy us. Hate eats you alive and takes something good away from who we are. I have left them all behind physically, but in my heart a piece of them will always remain. Because I love them even I never mattered to them, they mattered to me. I grieve for that and for what never was. That is only normal. DO NOT ever let them make any of you lose your ability to love them and LET THEM GO. Understanding and maybe one day forgiving them doesn't mean you've excused them for all they have done wrong. It just means you have let go, moved on and can still love them even though they can't be in your life. Example- say you had a child, and that child murdered someone else you loved. This would hurt you deeply, but you would still love that child no matter what. You would hate what they did and be angry, disappointed or may not want contact with them, but there will always be a part of you that loves them. I have not forgiven my nada or my sisters. Maybe I never will. I pray to God that he helps me to heal and understand enough that I can forgive them all one day. I will never have contact for they will not have changed, BUT I will have changed. I am determined to be the best person I can be, despite all the damage that has been done to me. Quote
Guest guest Posted June 24, 2006 Report Posted June 24, 2006 Very, very well said!! Here, here!! You have totally and completely summed up exactly what I feel. I'm so glad and appreciative that you posted this ! My husband and I were just talking today about this group. His question to me was...if your family is the one that has the affliction...what good does it do for you to seek help instead of them? Isn't that a waste of time? What purpose does it have? Don't get me wrong...he is grateful for this group...the tone of his questions was inquisitive. (I think I posted once before...he is extremely over-analytical) I explained to him that the group wasn't about cure of the problem. It's about promotion of healing for us KO s. It was hard to put into words how therapeutic the support group was for me, so how awesome is it that you so eloquently explained it for me? Thank you very much for this...fabulously put....spot on! Kisses and Nibbles, Bunny -- Something to say. The Bpd's of this may not be capable of love or empathy, but I believe that each and everyone of us are. Everyone is in a different stage of healing. Do not, no matter how painful it is, cheat yourself out of loving them. It would be a lie to say we don't love them. They have hurt us beyond belief and if you have contact with them they will continue to hurt you. That is a fact and reality. You can hate what they do and what they have done. You need to be angry and hold them responsible for there choice not to get help, but to hate them would detroy us. Hate eats you alive and takes something good away from who we are. I have left them all behind physically, but in my heart a piece of them will always remain. Because I love them even I never mattered to them, they mattered to me. I grieve for that and for what never was. That is only normal. DO NOT ever let them make any of you lose your ability to love them and LET THEM GO. Understanding and maybe one day forgiving them doesn't mean you've excused them for all they have done wrong. It just means you have let go, moved on and can still love them even though they can't be in your life. Example- say you had a child, and that child murdered someone else you loved. This would hurt you deeply, but you would still love that child no matter what. You would hate what they did and be angry, disappointed or may not want contact with them, but there will always be a part of you that loves them. I have not forgiven my nada or my sisters. Maybe I never will. I pray to God that he helps me to heal and understand enough that I can forgive them all one day. I will never have contact for they will not have changed, BUT I will have changed. I am determined to be the best person I can be, despite all the damage that has been done to me. Quote
Guest guest Posted June 24, 2006 Report Posted June 24, 2006 Hi there, Personally, I don't think it is always possible and certainly not necessary to love an abusive person. They say the opposite of love is not hate but indifference and that rings true. I think in time, after one has reclaimed themselves and their life, they may be willing to have feelings of love or compassion for the abuser, but having those feelings too soon before one is un-enmeshed can be dangerous. Feeling hate and anger toward our abusers is part of the healing process and fuels us and directs us to safety. I agree that carrying hate in our heart long term is destructive to our beings, but so is carrying the self hate they projected onto us for years. I see nothing morally wrong with hate, sometimes it is justified, helpful and some people deserve it. For some of us the bp killed all the love we may have had for them and that doesn't mean we are hate-filled, the love is simply gone, or perhaps destroyed, is more accurate. I don't believe one has to forgive or love those who abuse them, but rather get away from them and find happiness. I do believe forgiveness is much easier when one has moved on and built a new life, much like how divorced couples can get along better once they are no longer around/obligated to each other. I have a hard time with the concept that one has to forgive (I know you didn't say that but I have heard it a lot in self help books, etc); I don't believe that. I don't think forgiveness is a state pne can stay in anyway; some moments I feel love for nada and other moments I am cursing her and a bad memory will pop up and I want to take back all the love and compassion I ever felt for her because it feels unsafe and she seems unworthy of it. I guess my feelings are slippery and complex when it comes to those who have hurt me; I know the damage they have done and I know what it has cost me. It is palpable and there are days when I feel I have been robbed of a large portion of my life. I don't hate them anymore but there was a time when I did and that was okay. I am simply focusing on making the most of my experience here. I have a feeling one day it will all make sense, but maybe not in this lifetime. I wonder sometimes why I had a mother who was incapable of loving me but I can't really make sense of it all. I don't know. Despite what probably sounds like a serious and heavy response here, I have learned not to take it all too seriously. Afterall, I think it is all just a dream or at least a very strange, disturbing and beautiful trip. Thanks for the post and subject; there are no right or wrong opinions on these matters; only personal perceptions and my strong reaction is not geared towards you, but towards my feelings re: loving and forgiving abusive people. > > > The Bpd's of this may not be capable of love or empathy, but I > believe that each and everyone of us are. Everyone is in a different > stage of healing. Do not, no matter how painful it is, cheat > yourself out of loving them. It would be a lie to say we don't love > them. They have hurt us beyond belief and if you have contact with > them they will continue to hurt you. That is a fact and reality. You > can hate what they do and what they have done. You need to be angry > and hold them responsible for there choice not to get help, but to > hate them would detroy us. Hate eats you alive and takes something > good away from who we are. I have left them all behind physically, > but in my heart a piece of them will always remain. Because I love > them even I never mattered to them, they mattered to me. I grieve > for that and for what never was. That is only normal. DO NOT ever > let them make any of you lose your ability to love them and LET THEM > GO. Understanding and maybe one day forgiving them doesn't mean > you've excused them for all they have done wrong. It just means you > have let go, moved on and can still love them even though they can't > be in your life. Example- say you had a child, and that child > murdered someone else you loved. This would hurt you deeply, but you > would still love that child no matter what. You would hate what they > did and be angry, disappointed or may not want contact with them, > but there will always be a part of you that loves them. > > I have not forgiven my nada or my sisters. Maybe I never will. > I pray to God that he helps me to heal and understand enough that I > can forgive them all one day. I will never have contact for they > will not have changed, BUT I will have changed. I am determined to > be the best person I can be, despite all the damage that has been > done to me. > Quote
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2006 Report Posted June 25, 2006 well said. thanks for your post. It's a struggle not to let that hate get through. But i fight it or I feel like I'll turn into my Nada if I let that hate take over. I also feel your pain about the forgiveness. Someone told me that they try a little every day to forgive and eventually some of it will stick. So that's what I try to do. Try to forgive a little every day. It's REALLY hard many days. But I think God understands that we're trying. --- maryec73 wrote: > > The Bpd's of this may not be capable of love or > empathy, but I > believe that each and everyone of us are. Everyone > is in a different > stage of healing. Do not, no matter how painful it > is, cheat > yourself out of loving them. It would be a lie to > say we don't love > them. They have hurt us beyond belief and if you > have contact with > them they will continue to hurt you. That is a fact > and reality. You > can hate what they do and what they have done. You > need to be angry > and hold them responsible for there choice not to > get help, but to > hate them would detroy us. Hate eats you alive and > takes something > good away from who we are. I have left them all > behind physically, > but in my heart a piece of them will always remain. > Because I love > them even I never mattered to them, they mattered to > me. I grieve > for that and for what never was. That is only > normal. DO NOT ever > let them make any of you lose your ability to love > them and LET THEM > GO. Understanding and maybe one day forgiving them > doesn't mean > you've excused them for all they have done wrong. It > just means you > have let go, moved on and can still love them even > though they can't > be in your life. Example- say you had a child, and > that child > murdered someone else you loved. This would hurt you > deeply, but you > would still love that child no matter what. You > would hate what they > did and be angry, disappointed or may not want > contact with them, > but there will always be a part of you that loves > them. > > I have not forgiven my nada or my sisters. Maybe I > never will. > I pray to God that he helps me to heal and > understand enough that I > can forgive them all one day. I will never have > contact for they > will not have changed, BUT I will have changed. I am > determined to > be the best person I can be, despite all the damage > that has been > done to me. > > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2006 Report Posted June 25, 2006 , Thoughtfully and beautifully said. Especially interesting because you address the gray and overlapping area between love and forgiveness, and hate and non-forgiveness. Thanks. One Non-BP Recovering Man --- cre8within wrote: > > > Hi there, > > Personally, I don't think it is always possible and certainly not > necessary to love an abusive person. They say the opposite of love > is not hate but indifference and that rings true. I think in time, > after one has reclaimed themselves and their life, they may be > willing to have feelings of love or compassion for the abuser, but > having those feelings too soon before one is un-enmeshed can be > dangerous. > > Feeling hate and anger toward our abusers is part of the healing > process and fuels us and directs us to safety. I agree that > carrying hate in our heart long term is destructive to our beings, > but so is carrying the self hate they projected onto us for years. > I see nothing morally wrong with hate, sometimes it is justified, > helpful and some people deserve it. > > For some of us the bp killed all the love we may have had for them > and that doesn't mean we are hate-filled, the love is simply gone, > or perhaps destroyed, is more accurate. > > I don't believe one has to forgive or love those who abuse them, but > rather get away from them and find happiness. I do believe > forgiveness is much easier when one has moved on and built a new > life, much like how divorced couples can get along better once they > are no longer around/obligated to each other. > > I have a hard time with the concept that one has to forgive (I know > you didn't say that but I have heard it a lot in self help books, > etc); I don't believe that. I don't think forgiveness is a state pne > can stay in anyway; some moments I feel love for nada and other > moments I am cursing her and a bad memory will pop up and I want to > take back all the love and compassion I ever felt for her because it > feels unsafe and she seems unworthy of it. > > I guess my feelings are slippery and complex when it comes to those > who have hurt me; I know the damage they have done and I know what > it has cost me. It is palpable and there are days when I feel I have > been robbed of a large portion of my life. I don't hate them anymore > but there was a time when I did and that was okay. I am simply > focusing on making the most of my experience here. > > I have a feeling one day it will all make sense, but maybe not in > this lifetime. I wonder sometimes why I had a mother who was > incapable of loving me but I can't really make sense of it all. I > don't know. Despite what probably sounds like a serious and heavy > response here, I have learned not to take it all too seriously. > Afterall, I think it is all just a dream or at least a very strange, > disturbing and beautiful trip. > > Thanks for the post and subject; there are no right or wrong > opinions on these matters; only personal perceptions and my strong > reaction is not geared towards you, but towards my feelings re: > loving and forgiving abusive people. > > > > > > > > > > The Bpd's of this may not be capable of love or empathy, but I > > believe that each and everyone of us are. Everyone is in a > different > > stage of healing. Do not, no matter how painful it is, cheat > > yourself out of loving them. It would be a lie to say we don't > love > > them. They have hurt us beyond belief and if you have contact with > > them they will continue to hurt you. That is a fact and reality. > You > > can hate what they do and what they have done. You need to be > angry > > and hold them responsible for there choice not to get help, but to > > hate them would detroy us. Hate eats you alive and takes something > > good away from who we are. I have left them all behind physically, > > but in my heart a piece of them will always remain. Because I love > > them even I never mattered to them, they mattered to me. I grieve > > for that and for what never was. That is only normal. DO NOT ever > > let them make any of you lose your ability to love them and LET > THEM > > GO. Understanding and maybe one day forgiving them doesn't mean > > you've excused them for all they have done wrong. It just means > you > > have let go, moved on and can still love them even though they > can't > > be in your life. Example- say you had a child, and that child > > murdered someone else you loved. This would hurt you deeply, but > you > > would still love that child no matter what. You would hate what > they > > did and be angry, disappointed or may not want contact with them, > > but there will always be a part of you that loves them. > > > > I have not forgiven my nada or my sisters. Maybe I never will. > > I pray to God that he helps me to heal and understand enough that > I > > can forgive them all one day. I will never have contact for they > > will not have changed, BUT I will have changed. I am determined to > > be the best person I can be, despite all the damage that has been > > done to me. > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote
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