REALLY new

[Guest guest]

Well everyone, I've been enjoying reading everone's posts....and I

thought it was time to introduce myself. I've been in therapy for

about 8 months now, due to severe depression.....and my therapist

recently told me that she thinks my mother has BPD. My mother is on

many different drugs right now, for an assortment of mental

issues....including OCD and dissociative disorder, along with

frontal lobe seizures and post traumatic stress syndrome. She is

also an alcoholic, who has attempted suicide twice in the last few

years. I'm halfway through Walking on Eggshells (at the

recommendation of my therapist), and am reading a book on borderline

parents also (I can't remember the name off the top of my head), and

they seem like they were written specifically for me. I think that

in the case of my mother, she is dealing with mis-diagnosis, which

they talk about in WOES. You have no idea how refreshing it is to

find that I'm not alone in dealing with my current issues. The sad

thing is the extreme guilt I feel in reading these books and message

boards. I can hear my mothers voice in my head, admonishing me for

even THINKING that she might have BPD. Even though I have lived far

away from her for over 11 years now, her voice still plays loud and

clear in my daily life. Our only communication is by e-mail and

phone, and I've recently cut that way down considerably. My husband

has been telling me for years that I shouldn't be involved with her,

because it only makes me miserable. He often asks if I'm doing

things for my own reasons, or because I think it's what my mother

would want me to do. She is a master manipulator, and guilt

inducer! She is also very narcissistic, and thinks the world

revolves around her. And her life is so full of chaos, it's

incredible. When we do speak, if the conversation strays from

movies and music, it's amazing the things that seem to happen in her

life. I'm really struggling with becoming my own person. I have

never had a good female role model, and struggle with the things

that come naturally to most women. I am a stay at home mom, who has

trouble making decisions, and can't keep her house clean or her day

organized to save her life. I have a hard time speaking up for

myself, no matter the situation, as I've always found it easier to

just be the laid back one who went along with what my mother said

and thought (and even my spouse to a certain degree, although he's

in no way shape or form a BPD, he's just a strong, traditional

military man!). I am starting to journal, because I am now going

over some of the harsher things that my mother did when I was

younger, and it makes me feel better to get them out of my head.

When I was in high school, she even slept with a guy I was

interested in while I was out of town, after saying that he wasn't

good enough for me. She would outwardly shout from the rooftops

about how smart and beautiful I was, but every other word and action

from her completely negated that........when she would comment about

how lazy I was, and how I didn't live up to her expectations. After

always being a thin youngster, I am now struggling with my weight.

I feel like I'm fulfilling her prophecies in a way, and have become

an ugly and fat, lazy person. Deep down, I know that is now who I

truly am though, which I think is a big breakthrough for me.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent to you all, and thank you for

helping me. I will be here, reading and learning from the rest of

you.

SassyStine