Re: The mother-in-law FOG

[Guest guest]

Bunny I am again SOO SORRY to you. I went through something similar

with my husband and mother-in-law but not so extreme. She more so

was calling me fat non stop and always smothering him. Getting in

the last kiss. If he would kiss her goodbye on his way to work then

kiss me she would get up and walk to him and kiss him again it was

pathetic. Then she would sit at my house with me all day calling me

fat never mind she is Asian and stands about 4 foot tall of course I

am bigger than her but I am not fat I wear size 6 the only time I

was fat was after having a baby. She would compare my kids to the

older neighbor kids. She even wanted us to purchase a house so bad

she made an appointment with a realtor behind my back. I found out

because they called and when I confronted her she said I couldn't

come only she and my husband would go to look, because I guess I

didn't have a say where I was going to live. She would never speak

English so I couldn't understand a word she said and then she would

talk sometimes for 3-4 hours with out stopping. I had no time with

my husband alone and this was all while I was trying to go n/c with

my mom and being taken to court I really needed his support and she

knew it but she was draining him. My husband let her do this for

some time. Then I got storming mad, I threw a royal fit, I could

have given nada a run for her money. I am not saying it was right

but I was so ready to leave I couldn't take anymore. I left my whole

family for my husband and this was how I was being treated? I think

he finally got it like it was a wake up call for him because ever

since he stands up for me and the kids to his whole family not just

his mom and ever since I can see they love me and respect me much

more.

The bottom line is yes your mother in law is driving you nuts and

being a & %$ch but it is your husband who is allowing her to do so

and until he severs those ties and shows her " NO IM NOT YOUR SON

FIRST, I AM A HUSBAND FIRST A FATHER SECOND AND LASTLY YOUR SON IF

YOU DONT LIKE THE PECKING ORDER THAN TO BAD " Because when it comes

down to it you should be mad at your husband to for allowing her to

basically kidnap your children, put them in danger and trash talk

you. He needs to put on some pants, so the next time you and his

mother disagree he will take your side and leave with you. God

bless him its hard every man has to do it. But the way he is putting

you after his mom that's not right. I know my husband did it to me

to and it feels really bad.

Maybe you two can talk and try to come to an agreement to break all

contact temporarily with both sides of the family until they learn

to respect your family. If you can do it with out a fight that's the

best but you will have to tell him this is a real problem for you.

Communication! You need to do something for the sake of your

marriage and your self esteem. It sounds like he should carry more

of the family burden and be the head of the house and give you the

break so you don't have to worry about this. It will be hard on him

but you sound very supportive and he can do it. I hope this doesn't

sound harsh. I just think you have so much right now the last thing

you need is a husband who won't support you. Lizzy

>

> Everyone here has been so fabulous to me helping me see my way

through the

> trials and tribulations, I thought maybe someone would be able to

help me

> come up with some tools to help with the Mother-in-law.

>

> Firstly, let me clarify that I'm not sure I would consider her

BPD. But she

> sure seems like she has alot of the symptoms and she has the

market cornered

> when it comes to manipulation and emotional blackmail. For the

most part, I

> have gone no contact with her. She totally steamrolls over every

single

> person in the family...most especially my husband. I love my

husband dearly

> but to be honest...he has no backbone whatsoever. I can see how

she

> totally drags him down and humiliates him, and know first hand

that he doesn

> t know why he returns for more. When he is around her,

immediately his head

> drops down, and his shoulders raise up...it's sad, but he looks

like a

> whipped dog around her. A turtle trying to hide in it's shell.

He won't

> say anything to her to even take up for himself...he allows her to

beat him

> down over and over and over. It's the greatest display of fear I

have ever

> seen in my entire life. He won't say a single bad word about her,

and when

> I ask him about his feelings he clams up and will not even respond

to me

> talking to him...he turns into a zombie. We did go to marriage

counseling

> at one time because of her, the first couple sessions were

great...then the

> doctor said to him " I want to discuss how your family members

effect your

> marriage, and what roll they play " . He immediately looked up from

the floor

> ...stared blankly ahead and never responded one single

grunt...nothing, nada

> ..like his batteries had been removed. I've tried

everything...I've tried

> having sweet conversations...leaving the door for him to discuss

what he

> wants and on his own terms...i've tried the positive

approach...just talking

> about the good things....i've tried reflective reasoning...giving

excuses

> for her bad behavior....we've fought over her....i've actually

LEFT him for

> several days over her....i just don't know what is left!

>

> Just to give you an idea of the things she has done.....she has

called me a

> piece of trash...a ##tch...a whore...she's told me that her son

deserves

> better...i've played it all for my husband, and he refuses to

believe it.

> Our son died in 1995.....3 weeks before my youngest daughter's 2nd

birthday.

> We had planned a HUGE party for her....over 100 guests in

attendence...a

> week prior, his mother and step father got " last minute " plans to

go to the

> ocean and asked to take the girls...they would be home on the

29th. (Her

> birthday was the 30th). We granted permission for them to go. On

the 29th,

> they never showed...at all....on the morning of the 30th they

called and

> said they got " side-tracked " ...but were on their way. They were 2

hours

> away....it was 10am...her party was 2pm. No problem, right? They

ended up

> showing up at around 11:45pm. No phone calls, no excuses...but

she thought

> it was hilarious. The 65 people we flew in to see my daughter

weren't so

> amused. 4 years later, we took another go at the vacation plans.

They took

> my kids...again...to the ocean. They gave us the name of the

place where

> they were going to go, 24 hours later, still no word. So we

called and got

> the information about where they were staying from a family

member. (The

> information they gave us was false)....we called, and the front

desk said

> that indeed, they were scheduled to show up...but never did....and

they

> never got a cancellation. 48 hours of not being able to get in

touch with

> ANYONE...i was frantic. We contacted the police, and they in turn

ran my

> father-in-laws credit cards and found them...in FLORIDA! The

state of

> florida flew my kids home, but no charges were ever filed and my

husband

> REFUSED to even see where they did anything wrong. I could type

and type

> all day about all the atrocities we have had to endure...my

husband still

> refusing to see ANYTHING wrong.

>

> Here is my question...ok...so I have found going NC with her is

the only way

> for me to survive. He really needs to go NC as well...but despite

my

> support, refuses to. Here is the problem....she is starting to

effect my

> kids BIG time. I want to keep them away from her, but my husband

is atament

> that they(his mom and step father) be given FULL access to the

girls....I

> can see he is using them as a shield...and i am trying to help

THEM...but it

> is starting to become a struggle between the two of us. Just last

year,

> after going to a bar-b-que at HER house last year it all came to a

head...

> she had invited about 30 people to her house....after sitting

outside (in

> temperatures exceeding 100 degrees) for almost 6 hours with

NOTHING to eat

> or drink my oldest daughter became very, very sick. She went

inside, and

> sat in the bathroom with cold water running down her back,

throwing up

> violently. I finally got her to a point where she was just kind

of waiting

> for round 2...I went, took the keys out of my husband's pocket and

said " I'm

> leaving...i'm putting in the car, and we are going home.

You can

> either be in the car when it leaves or you can find a way home,

either way

> we are gone. " My youngest walked up to me and only said " mom.... "

i looked

> at her and said... " you don't even have to ask....let's roll " She

threw her

> arms around me and thanked me and RAN to the car. I carry my

daughter to

> the car....who is about 6 inches taller than me...but weighs the

same as I

> do....because her father wouldn't do it....as i am going around

the other

> side of the car...his MOTHER opens the car door, grabs my

daughter's arm and

> begins to PULL her out of my car!! She was calling her a drama

queen and

> ordered my husband to help her...which of course he began to

do....then he

> stood there and tried to REASON with me to allow her to stay! I

told them

> both that they better take their hands off of her or i would have a

> restraining issue ordered on BOTH of them! Ultimately, we

left....but to

> this day my husband STILL takes up for her...it's a losing battle!

>

> Any ideas on how to battle all the FOG she is dishing out?? I've

given up

> trying to shield my husband from it....but outside of her we have

a very

> happy marriage....he helps me emensly with my nada and fada and

does a spot

> on job.....i'm starting to run out of ways to help my kids....they

are 15

> and 12 (closer to 16 and 13) and i can see they are starting to be

victims

> of this FOG too. I just need more ideas....so far I have, for the

most part

> been able to try to stay a step ahead...but can see the end of the

road

> coming...i don't want to get stuck!!

> Kisses and Nibbles,

> Bunny

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Your mother in law is awful! Don't doubt that you need to keep this woman

at bay. Carol

In a message dated 6/23/2006 1:11:07 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

beachbunny1172002@... writes:

Everyone here has been so fabulous to me helping me see my way through the

trials and tribulations, I thought maybe someone would be able to help me

come up with some tools to help with the Mother-in-law.

Firstly, let me clarify that I'm not sure I would consider her BPD. But she

sure seems like she has alot of the symptoms and she has the market cornered

when it comes to manipulation and emotional blackmail. For the most part, I

have gone no contact with her. She totally steamrolls over every single

person in the family...most especially my husband. I love my husband dearly

but to be honest...he has no backbone whatsoever. I can see how she

totally drags him down and humiliates him, and know first hand that he doesn

t know why he returns for more. When he is around her, immediately his head

drops down, and his shoulders raise up...it's sad, but he looks like a

whipped dog around her. A turtle trying to hide in it's shell. He won't

say anything to her to even take up for himself...he allows her to beat him

down over and over and over. It's the greatest display of fear I have ever

seen in my entire life. He won't say a single bad word about her, and when

I ask him about his feelings he clams up and will not even respond to me

talking to him...he turns into a zombie. We did go to marriage counseling

at one time because of her, the first couple sessions were great...then the

doctor said to him " I want to discuss how your family members effect your

marriage, and what roll they play " . He immediately looked up from the floor

....stared blankly ahead and never responded one single grunt...nothing, nada

...like his batteries had been removed. I've tried everything...I've tried

having sweet conversations...leaving the door for him to discuss what he

wants and on his own terms...i've tried the positive approach...just talking

about the good things....i've tried reflective reasoning...giving excuses

for her bad behavior....we've fought over her....i've actually LEFT him for

several days over her....i just don't know what is left!

Just to give you an idea of the things she has done.....she has called me a

piece of trash...a ##tch...a whore...she's told me that her son deserves

better...i've played it all for my husband, and he refuses to believe it.

Our son died in 1995.....3 weeks before my youngest daughter's 2nd birthday.

We had planned a HUGE party for her....over 100 guests in attendence...a

week prior, his mother and step father got " last minute " plans to go to the

ocean and asked to take the girls...they would be home on the 29th. (Her

birthday was the 30th). We granted permission for them to go. On the 29th,

they never showed...at all....on the morning of the 30th they called and

said they got " side-tracked " ...but were on their way. They were 2 hours

away....it was 10am...her party was 2pm. No problem, right? They ended up

showing up at around 11:45pm. No phone calls, no excuses...but she thought

it was hilarious. The 65 people we flew in to see my daughter weren't so

amused. 4 years later, we took another go at the vacation plans. They took

my kids...again...to the ocean. They gave us the name of the place where

they were going to go, 24 hours later, still no word. So we called and got

the information about where they were staying from a family member. (The

information they gave us was false)....we called, and the front desk said

that indeed, they were scheduled to show up...but never did....and they

never got a cancellation. 48 hours of not being able to get in touch with

ANYONE...i was frantic. We contacted the police, and they in turn ran my

father-in-laws credit cards and found them...in FLORIDA! The state of

florida flew my kids home, but no charges were ever filed and my husband

REFUSED to even see where they did anything wrong. I could type and type

all day about all the atrocities we have had to endure...my husband still

refusing to see ANYTHING wrong.

Here is my question...ok...so I have found going NC with her is the only way

for me to survive. He really needs to go NC as well...but despite my

support, refuses to. Here is the problem....she is starting to effect my

kids BIG time. I want to keep them away from her, but my husband is atament

that they(his mom and step father) be given FULL access to the girls....I

can see he is using them as a shield...and i am trying to help THEM...but it

is starting to become a struggle between the two of us. Just last year,

after going to a bar-b-que at HER house last year it all came to a head...

she had invited about 30 people to her house....after sitting outside (in

temperatures exceeding 100 degrees) for almost 6 hours with NOTHING to eat

or drink my oldest daughter became very, very sick. She went inside, and

sat in the bathroom with cold water running down her back, throwing up

violently. I finally got her to a point where she was just kind of waiting

for round 2...I went, took the keys out of my husband's pocket and said " I'm

leaving...i'm putting in the car, and we are going home. You can

either be in the car when it leaves or you can find a way home, either way

we are gone. " My youngest walked up to me and only said " mom.... " i looked

at her and said... " you don't even have to ask....let's roll " She threw her

arms around me and thanked me and RAN to the car. I carry my daughter to

the car....who is about 6 inches taller than me...but weighs the same as I

do....because her father wouldn't do it....as i am going around the other

side of the car...his MOTHER opens the car door, grabs my daughter's arm and

begins to PULL her out of my car!! She was calling her a drama queen and

ordered my husband to help her...which of course he began to do....then he

stood there and tried to REASON with me to allow her to stay! I told them

both that they better take their hands off of her or i would have a

restraining issue ordered on BOTH of them! Ultimately, we left....but to

this day my husband STILL takes up for her...it's a losing battle!

Any ideas on how to battle all the FOG she is dishing out?? I've given up

trying to shield my husband from it....but outside of her we have a very

happy marriage....he helps me emensly with my nada and fada and does a spot

on job.....i'm starting to run out of ways to help my kids....they are 15

and 12 (closer to 16 and 13) and i can see they are starting to be victims

of this FOG too. I just need more ideas....so far I have, for the most part

been able to try to stay a step ahead...but can see the end of the road

coming...i don't want to get stuck!!

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny