Re: Re: Question?? Dee

[Guest guest]

Dee,

Your message below sounds so familiar. This is what I am working on

now---trying to get past my own feelings of fear, anxiety, and anger about the

demands that my mother places on me and the fact that nothing anyone does makes

her happy.

Would you be willing to share more about what you did to get past these

feelings?

Thanks,

In a message dated 6/4/2006 5:16:38 P.M. Central Daylight Time,

deesgarden@... writes:

The rest of your statement which says her happiness hinges on you, is

just what she has conditioned you to believe. The fact is that no one

can ever make another person happy. Happiness comes from within.

These poor people with BPD don't have the ability to think a happy

thought, let alone sustain any measure of peace or joy. When I first

learned about BPD about 2 years ago, I felt responsible for my

mother's happiness too. We were very enmeshed. I had become the

responsible daughter. My sisters were happy to let me handle all the

stuff I was taking care of. As I studied (not just read) Walking on

Eggshells, and How to Hug a Porcupine ( a book about how to handle

people with toxic personalities who are hard to love), I came to

understand and truly believe that I had a right to my own happiness.

Also that I would never be enough or do enough for my mother, no

matter how hard I tried. I came to understand the anger and

resentment I felt because of all the lost energy and time in my life

while I worried about her. It took months for that to sink in. At

first it was just a logical thought, but I still reacted on a gut

level with anxiety, fear and guilt where my mother was concerned. But

as I read and reread the books, gradually, I came to really know the

truth and to see that I was not emotionally healthy enough and that I

was making myself a victim. I was following her example of being the

victim. Sounds like your mom is a big-time victim herself. What I

couldn't see before was my own part in letting her ruin my peace.

I am here to tell you that after 2 years I am much healthier. Yes, it

is still not pleasant to deal with her and I become frustrated from

time to time, but that awful pressure and anxiety about her and our

relationship has gone. I no longer feel guilty all the time. I no

longer do everything she asks of me. I do what I believe a good

daughter should and no more.

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Dee. I am going to read the eggshells book again and get the

porcupine book.

BTW, I am so glad that you have been able to get to the place you are now!

Congratulations and GOOD FOR YOU! I can imagine that must have taken a great

deal of hard work.

In a message dated 6/4/2006 7:42:01 P.M. Central Daylight Time,

deesgarden@... writes:

hard to know exactly what I did beyond reading over

and over these two books. The first was Stop Walking On Eggshells and

the second was How To Hug a Porcupine. I purchased both at

Amazon.com. They struck a chord of truth with me right from the

start. I began to apply the truths I found there and did a LOT a

thinking about it all. As I began to set limits with my mother, I

realized that though she wasn't really changed, I was. Things just

didn't upset me to the same extent as they would before. I think I

finally felt entitled to not agree with her, not do any and everything

she wanted me to and to actually have hours and days where I hardly

thought of her. It only came through reading and thoughtful study of

these principles of emotional health. It has affected me in every

part of my life. My own relationship with my daughters in much more

rewarding. We have talked about the patterns of parenting I had

learned, I apologized to them, they expressed their feelings to me.

They remembered times when I overreacted to things that I couldn't

really even remember. Anyway, we cleared the air and made a fresh

start. I am much happier now that I don't feel I am supposed to

control their lives like mine was controlled. They are much happier

with me too. It has been a wonderful thing. Dee