Re: A very loving letter

[Guest guest]

I guess I feel bad sometimes for my mom to. I have this feeling that

some time in her life she will end up with nothing and nobody all

because of the way she is acting now. I have to think you cant get

away with it forever. So far she has destroyed so many lives and

hurt so many people she cant do that forever. I can see one day my

dad leaving her and right now he is all she really cares about. I am

mad my dad didnt leave her a long time ago. Why dont they do it.

Maybe it could be a wake up call for them.

But I guess the nadas get what they have coming right. Its normal

for you to feel sorry for her because she is your mother and you can

feel love. But dont let that stop you from your plan of what you

originaly wanted to do. Your parents relationship is apart from

yours. You have a relationship with your mom and your dad has a

relationship with your mom and dont get them tied together. If she

made mistakes then she needs to know. If she doesnt you will always

have that in the back of your mind. YOu do what you have to in order

to clear the air and free your own mind. Dont let your mom dad or

anybody have an influance on what you choose to do.

And by the way calling to see if you are " alive " I think that is a

pack of crap. My dad did the same thing to me a week into n/c with

my nada. I didnt pick up the home or cel phone and I didnt respond

to emails. Well they saw a lady in the town I was living in was

murderd by her husband and they needed me to call to make sure I

wasnt dead. I was flaming mad and I knew it was just so I would

call. By the way my mom was spreading roumers about my husband that

he beat me. For the record it was my mom not my husband who did

that. So basily do what you gota lizzy

>

> So I had not been answering the phone since last week and my

> grandmother called and left a message that they worried I might be

> sick or dead. I called her back and said I'm fine but I'm too

upset

> to talk to anyone. My grandmother tried to guilt me and say that

I

> was breaking my mother's heart and it wasn't right for me to be

> upset with her after all she's been through. My mother called

back

> and left a message that everything was going to be ok now because

> she'd written my father a very loving letter.

>

> Then my father called last night and he did get a letter. She

> pretty much wants to get back together with him, move back into

the

> house, give back the money and other stuff she took, and just have

> everything go back to how it was before. Only my father says he

> just can't do that, all his trust is gone. He really feels she

> tried to sabotage him when he was going in for his surgery and he

> just doesn't want to try to live with someone who would do that.

>

> It makes my letter tougher, because my letter wasn't really about

my

> father. It was about my mother's behavior toward me and the toll

it

> was taking on me. So whether or not she's " being loving " toward

my

> father isn't even the issue. But I'm sure at least for now she

> means it 100% that she's sorry and she wants to get back together

> with my father. So I feel weird sending her a letter in which I

> call her abusive right at the time she's about to get this massive

> rejection from my father. The sucky thing about it is that she

had

> a pretty good life from most people's standards and she went

berserk

> and now everything is gone.

>

> But of course to me, that's not even the issue. Things have been

> bad for a long, long time, and this most recent thing, splitting

up

> from my father, was just another symptom in a long pattern of

> blaming everyone else in her life for whatever is going on.

>

> I just feel so freaking bad for her. It's not really her fault

> she's crazy and now life is looking really lonely for her.

>

[Guest guest]

I think you need to do whatever you think will make you feel better.

You worry that she is getting a " rejection " from the both of you at th

e same time - but that might make her think more about her actions and

the consequences.

Of course you feel bad - but don't forget she's responsible for

herself and her life. She won't be sad and lonely if she gets help to

treat her disorder.

>

> So I had not been answering the phone since last week and my

> grandmother called and left a message that they worried I might be

> sick or dead. I called her back and said I'm fine but I'm too upset

> to talk to anyone. My grandmother tried to guilt me and say that I

> was breaking my mother's heart and it wasn't right for me to be

> upset with her after all she's been through. My mother called back

> and left a message that everything was going to be ok now because

> she'd written my father a very loving letter.

>

> Then my father called last night and he did get a letter. She

> pretty much wants to get back together with him, move back into the

> house, give back the money and other stuff she took, and just have

> everything go back to how it was before. Only my father says he

> just can't do that, all his trust is gone. He really feels she

> tried to sabotage him when he was going in for his surgery and he

> just doesn't want to try to live with someone who would do that.

>

> It makes my letter tougher, because my letter wasn't really about my

> father. It was about my mother's behavior toward me and the toll it

> was taking on me. So whether or not she's " being loving " toward my

> father isn't even the issue. But I'm sure at least for now she

> means it 100% that she's sorry and she wants to get back together

> with my father. So I feel weird sending her a letter in which I

> call her abusive right at the time she's about to get this massive

> rejection from my father. The sucky thing about it is that she had

> a pretty good life from most people's standards and she went berserk

> and now everything is gone.

>

> But of course to me, that's not even the issue. Things have been

> bad for a long, long time, and this most recent thing, splitting up

> from my father, was just another symptom in a long pattern of

> blaming everyone else in her life for whatever is going on.

>

> I just feel so freaking bad for her. It's not really her fault

> she's crazy and now life is looking really lonely for her.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the advice and sympathy and listening.

I went to the therapist last night and she really pushed me not to

send my letter. She said from what I've described my mother is

simply too mentally ill to handle my letter or even understand it.

I sort of said " Yes, I know that, but the letter is for me. " She

replied that it's very likely if I send the letter my mother will

attempt suicide and everyone in my family will say I tried to kill

her.

That does seem like a really dire outcome and not what I want at all.

The therapist suggested telling my mother I'll talk to her once a

week on Sunday, and that's it, and if she's disrespectful to me

during those conversations then I should just get off the phone and

say " I can see you're not in a good mood; I'll talk to you next

Sunday. " But this isn't really acceptable to me. A huge part of my

problem was that I was raised to have no boundaries and just to take

abuse without complaint, and so it's very hard for me in a middle of

a conversation to even identify what's upsetting me or why. I have

this thing going on lately where I start to feel sick when she calls

me and I can't always tell if I just feel sick because I don't want

to talk to her, or if I feel sick because she did that thing she

often does, and wraps an insult up in velvet and blindsides me with

it.

What I mean is that when she says upsetting things they're often

said in such a way that I can't identify them as disrespectful until

I think back over the conversation later. So it's just hard for me

to draw boundaries.

So now I'm back to square one. The therapist also said I should

hold off on bringing up past abuse and just concentrate on the

situation as it is now. But to me, because the current behavior has

stirred up bad memories, it makes logical sense to say that she did

something which reminded me of something she did last year, which

reminds me of something she did when I was 16, which reminds me of

something she did when I was 8.

Sigh.

Neva

[Guest guest]

That seems like a very difficult situation you're in. You know she's

upsetting you afterwards but you can't really react quickly enough at

the time to deal with it.

I feel similarly sick with the thought of calling my mother even

though I only phone her every 3-4 weeks. The problem is that every

conversation I have with her I slip back into " victim " mode. Even

though she's not hurling abuse at me or insulting or raging at me -

she still does this inappropriate " unloading " on me of all her

negative thoughts and feelings which just turns me from a 33 year old

woman back to a 10 year old victim every time. The problem is that it

doesn't actually seem like any one thing she says should upset me so

but every call takes me back to the years when she used to just dump

on me and expect me to make her feel better and I was too young to

cope. I too was raised not to have boundaries (I guess all us KOs were).

I wonder - could you write down some of the things she is saying to

you as you speak to her - then when you've seen them in black and

white you would maybe be able to see whether or not they are things

she should be saying to you? And then you could say " Wait a minute,

when you said such and such a few minutes ago, I actually think that

.....etc " ?

Also it's just this give, give, give we feel we need to do. What do

we get in return?

As for your letter - I'm also struggling as to whether to send one to

mine. Perhaps your T is right - she won't understand it (accept it)

anyway. I still haven't decided what to do.... I just feel I need to

send one too.

>

> Thank you for the advice and sympathy and listening.

>

> I went to the therapist last night and she really pushed me not to

> send my letter. She said from what I've described my mother is

> simply too mentally ill to handle my letter or even understand it.

> I sort of said " Yes, I know that, but the letter is for me. " She

> replied that it's very likely if I send the letter my mother will

> attempt suicide and everyone in my family will say I tried to kill

> her.

>

> That does seem like a really dire outcome and not what I want at all.

>

> The therapist suggested telling my mother I'll talk to her once a

> week on Sunday, and that's it, and if she's disrespectful to me

> during those conversations then I should just get off the phone and

> say " I can see you're not in a good mood; I'll talk to you next

> Sunday. " But this isn't really acceptable to me. A huge part of my

> problem was that I was raised to have no boundaries and just to take

> abuse without complaint, and so it's very hard for me in a middle of

> a conversation to even identify what's upsetting me or why. I have

> this thing going on lately where I start to feel sick when she calls

> me and I can't always tell if I just feel sick because I don't want

> to talk to her, or if I feel sick because she did that thing she

> often does, and wraps an insult up in velvet and blindsides me with

> it.

>

> What I mean is that when she says upsetting things they're often

> said in such a way that I can't identify them as disrespectful until

> I think back over the conversation later. So it's just hard for me

> to draw boundaries.

>

> So now I'm back to square one. The therapist also said I should

> hold off on bringing up past abuse and just concentrate on the

> situation as it is now. But to me, because the current behavior has

> stirred up bad memories, it makes logical sense to say that she did

> something which reminded me of something she did last year, which

> reminds me of something she did when I was 16, which reminds me of

> something she did when I was 8.

>

> Sigh.

>

> Neva

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I remember when I was trying to deal with nada and not only the

current abuse she was dishing out but all the past abuse that was

getting triggered and how I finally went into therapy to figure out

how to not get all stressed out. I asked my new therapist point blank

how I could be around someone like her and not be negatively affected.

I couldn't understand why she laughed. I do now. I ended up going n/c

because I realized:

I can't be around a toxic person and not get poisoned

She was never going to change

There was no reasoning with her

She would never listen to me

and finally (drum roll please....)

You can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person

I realized I didn't like visiting her and the only reason I was doing

it was out of obligation. As I began to see things clearly (and that

was hard, but also valdating) I realized what I had to gain

(everything, my life) in leaving far, far outweighed any reasons I had

for staying.

It was a one sided relationship where I was supposed to sacrifice my

happiness and well being so that she could continue to be sick.

No thanks, I'd rather have a life.

And we are ALL entitled to a life, a good life, no matter what nada

says.

We were given our own minds, our own life to live how we choose and we

can reclaim it at any time. It can feel like that isn't an option due

to years of brainwashing/beating down and conditioning, but it is true

none the less.

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you for a very good description of how to get to the 'light at

the end of the tunnel'. Your explanation of why you chose no

contact fits my situation as well. I just couldn't explain it as

well as you have. We may have no choice in who our parents are, but

we definitely have a choice in what we want to do with

that 'relationship'.

Thank you,

Sylvia

>

> Hi there,

>

> I remember when I was trying to deal with nada and not only the

> current abuse she was dishing out but all the past abuse that was

> getting triggered and how I finally went into therapy to figure

out

> how to not get all stressed out. I asked my new therapist point

blank

> how I could be around someone like her and not be negatively

affected.

>

> I couldn't understand why she laughed. I do now. I ended up going

n/c

> because I realized:

>

> I can't be around a toxic person and not get poisoned

> She was never going to change

> There was no reasoning with her

> She would never listen to me

> and finally (drum roll please....)

>

> You can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person

>

> I realized I didn't like visiting her and the only reason I was

doing

> it was out of obligation. As I began to see things clearly (and

that

> was hard, but also valdating) I realized what I had to gain

> (everything, my life) in leaving far, far outweighed any reasons I

had

> for staying.

>

> It was a one sided relationship where I was supposed to sacrifice

my

> happiness and well being so that she could continue to be sick.

>

> No thanks, I'd rather have a life.

>

> And we are ALL entitled to a life, a good life, no matter what

nada

> says.

>

> We were given our own minds, our own life to live how we choose

and we

> can reclaim it at any time. It can feel like that isn't an option

due

> to years of brainwashing/beating down and conditioning, but it is

true

> none the less.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Me too. For years after I moved away, I continued to go home, to visit *my

family* at Christmas... out of obligation. Those visits emotionally upset me

and made me physically sick. Most folks think ... oh how sad.. she's not going

to spend Christmas with her family. In my case it's was a WONDERFUL thing when

I decided to stop going back.

twin.less

cre8within wrote:

.

__Hi there,

I remember when I was trying to deal with nada and not only the

current abuse she was dishing out but all the past abuse that was

getting triggered and how I finally went into therapy to figure out

how to not get all stressed out. I asked my new therapist point blank

how I could be around someone like her and not be negatively affected.

I couldn't understand why she laughed. I do now. I ended up going n/c

because I realized:

I can't be around a toxic person and not get poisoned

She was never going to change

There was no reasoning with her

She would never listen to me

and finally (drum roll please....)

You can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person

I realized I didn't like visiting her and the only reason I was doing

it was out of obligation. As I began to see things clearly (and that

was hard, but also valdating) I realized what I had to gain

(everything, my life) in leaving far, far outweighed any reasons I had

for staying.

It was a one sided relationship where I was supposed to sacrifice my

happiness and well being so that she could continue to be sick.

No thanks, I'd rather have a life.

And we are ALL entitled to a life, a good life, no matter what nada

says.

We were given our own minds, our own life to live how we choose and we

can reclaim it at any time. It can feel like that isn't an option due

to years of brainwashing/beating down and conditioning, but it is true

none the less.

,_._,___

---------------------------------

Want to be your own boss? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.

[Guest guest]

>

> Me too. For years after I moved away, I continued to go home,

to visit *my family* at Christmas... out of obligation. Those

visits emotionally upset me and made me physically sick. Most folks

think ... oh how sad.. she's not going to spend Christmas with her

family. In my case it's was a WONDERFUL thing when I decided to

stop going back.

>

> twin.less

This really hits home for me! The worst time of the year for me is

Christmas and I always have gone home to be with my family out of

obligation. Even at times when I got to see some family members I

WANTED to see, and even when the gifts and food were nice, I always,

always got ill. Christmas wasn't Christmas without running for the

bathroom to throw up. Must have been all the stress

and " swallowing " down all those bad emotions.

This coming holiday season I want it to just be me and my husband,

though I'll have to convince him since he seems to think if we won't

spend it with my family we should spend it with his. I just want to

spend it with him and nobody else!