Identity

[Guest guest]

Hi Everybody! This is a little long, but I hope it starts some

interesting conversations:

I was reading some great recent posts about chameleon nada's who

changed their identity for whomever they were dating at the time. My

nada does the exact same thing, not just with men, but anyone -

family members, her friends, my friends -- she's different for all

of them. She was a " free-spirited " runaway who leaned to the

political left -- when she met a guy, she became a foul-mouthed

racist Rush Limbaugh-type. She especially loved to wait for company

to play " parent " -- like when we'd be at my aunt's house and she'd

say " Ok, it's bedtime! " at 9 or 9:30, when I knew perfectly well

that she hadn't been home to enforce a bedtime in a good 5 years.

But if I tried to argue the point -- she would look at me like I was

crazy, and then I'd get the teeth-clench explanation in the corner -

how DARE I defy her and embarrass her in front of her (perfect)

sister!

She also never speaks in a normal voice. Ever. Half the time she

uses crazy accents and regurgitates movie lines in place of real

conversation. When she does have a conversation, she YELLS - I mean,

she thinks she's talking, but the people she talks to will be

leaning back startled, eyes wide, like " what is wrong with you? " but

she doesn't ever notice. I have literally winced and covered my ears

in front of her face, and she doesn't notice. On the phone though,

she speaks in this tiny little baby voice, like she's just soooo

ladylike and professional. It makes me mad to hear her talk like

that, because she is loud and crude - she belches loudly in public

and then laughs, like it's something everyone should enjoy; she

chews with her mouth open and talks with it full; it's literally

embarrassing to be seen with her. I've called her on it, too

( " aren't you the person who taught ME not to do that? " ) but she just

laughs it off - she's fine the way she is, thankyou. I would only

seat her with her immediate family at my wedding bc I was so afraid

she'd humiliate herself in front of others.

Which brings me to my next point: Nada is a tomboy, and she puts

literally zero effort into her appearance. I could give a darn what

anyone looks like, but I think for her looking unkempt is a

rebellion or something, like society (and her deceased mother)

expects her to say, brush her hair, so she won't. And you can't make

her, so there. She always discouraged me from " that girly stuff " --

clothes, ballet class, whatever -- she was a tomboy, so I should be

too. She would never even participate in any of it with me -- even

today, the idea of going for a spa day or a manicure or other

such " nonsense " with her is ridiculous. I, as you may have guessed,

am VERY girly -- even my Kitchenaid mixer is pink, for goodness

sake, and my only regret is that I don't have pearls to wear when I

use it!

I know these are some seemingly unrelated topics, but it all goes

back to the BP's identity/personality crisis and how it distorts a

KO's sense of self, whether we go with the flow or run screaming

from the tide. I've done both: I'm well-mannered almost to the point

of being old-fashioned, and I relish all the bells and whistles that

come with being a girly girl; but I have caught myself " adapting "

for relationships (although I've been consciously working on

changing this), and I'm a pop-culture lover/former theatre-geek, so

I have to watch it with the voices and quotes, but I'm getting

better.

Just thought I'd see what anyone else thought about their own

identity/personality in that context.

*hugs to all*