Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Posted May 14, 2006 Grace, my nada's acting out is usually more subtle and hasn't really involved major violence, breaking and entering, drug use etc. Mostly, she just rages, screams, is verbally abusive. Her rages are almost like a filibuster at times, she will not stop until she gets her way and no one else can get anything done in the meantime. It can go on for days. Also, the ammount that I actually see her acting out depend a lot on the circumstances: how much time I spend with her and how much she is trying to control herslef. Lately, possibly because I've been very big on the boundaries, possibly because I'm split good AND live far away, I haven't really seen much of the crap. Our phone conversations have been lacking in ranting, complaints, doomsdaying, trashing of family members and even the subtle diggs she likes to send my way. I know that if I lived closer and was with the family, I'd experience more of the crazy-making, but my nad is capable of behaving for short periods of time and recently our interactions have been breif--so I've been on a sort of holiday too. Still, I know she CAN act crazy and when she does, there's really no telling what she'll do or how far she'll go. She hasn't done anything against the law yet, but who knows! Trish > > Hello everyone. > I have been reading a lot of posts lately that seem much more extreme than what I am/have been dealing with my nada. Breaking and entering, stealing things, physically abusive rages..... > > I know there are varying degrees, and my situation is emotional abuse more than anything. What I am wondering is if the relationships you have with the nada in your life have always been this volatile or if it has escalated to this. > > I appreciate any insights anyone can share. > BUtifulGrace > > __________________________________________________ > Quote
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Posted May 14, 2006 Hi ButifulGrace, My nada's tactics have changed over the years. I think she's always been volatile, but she's definitely become more overtly aggressive. When I was little (5 or 6), she would use things like repeated abandonment to get her way - i.e. " You don't deserve a mother like me. Let's see how long you can survive without me. " Which was very effective for a young child. And, of course, the rages would always work, too. Then when I was a little older, maybe 10 to 12, she would withdraw her " love " , use the silent treatment for days on end, and intersperse that with raging. I also remember very extended lectures, where I'd have to sit and listen to her for hours on end without moving or I'd risk a raging episode. She also liked to break our things, which is in my opinion just another form of abuse. I've got lots of hermit fleas from that (i.e. " If you love something, hide it away. " ) But during those times if anyone were to dare confront her she'd instantly turn waif, cry and run away. So at that point the abuse was largely emotional, and mental. She started to turn more queen/witch through my high school years. And obviously since her kids were older her tactics were no longer so effective... so she started using more physical violence, and more aggression in other ways. Unchecked, it's just been getting worse and worse. Which is why I think I'm still afraid of her, actually. She keeps escalating her behaviors. We're all out of her house now, so I don't know if she'll just walk away from the family or if she'll try something new. I'm trying to anticipate anything... So yeah, she's always been volatile but her behaviors have escalated in their physical aggression. Interesting question. I'm curious to see what others have to say. > > Hello everyone. > I have been reading a lot of posts lately that seem much more extreme than what I am/have been dealing with my nada. Breaking and entering, stealing things, physically abusive rages..... > > I know there are varying degrees, and my situation is emotional abuse more than anything. What I am wondering is if the relationships you have with the nada in your life have always been this volatile or if it has escalated to this. > > I appreciate any insights anyone can share. > BUtifulGrace > > __________________________________________________ > Quote
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Posted May 14, 2006 Grace, My Nada's behavior has gotten more extreme as time passess as well. I've noticed that the older and bolder I get the worse she gets. It's like the less amount of control I allow her to have in my life, the more extreme her actions get. She doesn't have the control over me that she did when I was still at home. Once I married and moved out I was still under her control via fear, obligation and guilt for much of my early adult life. The more determined I am to be my own person, the more she digs in. The last couple of years have gotten really bad but I suspect the worst is yet to come. I learned of her BPD 9 months ago and have since put more boundaries in place where she is concerned. Again, she raised the bar and dug in for another round of assualts. I truly expect this to continue...she will not seek help and, at least for now, I am not willing to go NC. I just have to cope the best way I know how while I am working on myself and the best possible solution. I don't say any of this to discourage you...only to share my experience. Georgia > > Hello everyone. > I have been reading a lot of posts lately that seem much more extreme than what I am/have been dealing with my nada. Breaking and entering, stealing things, physically abusive rages..... > > I know there are varying degrees, and my situation is emotional abuse more than anything. What I am wondering is if the relationships you have with the nada in your life have always been this volatile or if it has escalated to this. > > I appreciate any insights anyone can share. > BUtifulGrace > > __________________________________________________ > Quote
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Posted May 14, 2006 Grace, I had all the kinds of abuse, and by far emotional abuse and mind games were the worse. I find comparassion to be of little use... there's always someone that hurts worse, or had a worse childhood, that doesn't mean you discount your own pain. It doesn't mean you don't awknowlege yourself and entitle yourself to sadness, hurt, and healing. We're all entitled to entitle ourselves. One thing I've learned recently is its very healing to help others. I joined this yahoo group to get support AND to support others. Love, LeJoi Quote
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Posted May 14, 2006 Hello BUitfulGrace, I like that name! Well as for my nada she can be doing anything from threatning to kill, physically abusive, just plain yelling, threatning to destroy me, stealing my name for something, molestation, giving alcohol to kids and babies, or she may just throw fits. It is not always just violence. But I think the emotional abuse can be the most painful at times. Sometimes the physical things can light a fire under your tush to do something and give you power and strength but when you have been emotionaly crushed and your spirit is down that is hard. There was a time where I felt so down I didn't cry because I couldn't. It took a couple of years and councling with my pastor but I can cry again. Now I just feel angry. And sometimes when she doesn't act up and I don't have that chaos, I wonder if I am crazy for being mad at her. And then I think maybe she she do something mean to me again so I can feel angry and know I am real. Maybe this sounds weird. And now I just kind of went on a bunny trail but I hope it helps you anyhow. Lizzy > > Hello everyone. > I have been reading a lot of posts lately that seem much more extreme than what I am/have been dealing with my nada. Breaking and entering, stealing things, physically abusive rages..... > > I know there are varying degrees, and my situation is emotional abuse more than anything. What I am wondering is if the relationships you have with the nada in your life have always been this volatile or if it has escalated to this. > > I appreciate any insights anyone can share. > BUtifulGrace > > __________________________________________________ > Quote
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Posted May 14, 2006 > > Hello everyone. > I have been reading a lot of posts lately that seem much more extreme than what I am/have been dealing with my nada. Breaking and entering, stealing things, physically abusive rages..... > > I know there are varying degrees, and my situation is emotional abuse more than anything. What I am wondering is if the relationships you have with the nada in your life have always been this volatile or if it has escalated to this. > > I appreciate any insights anyone can share. > BUtifulGrace > > __________________________________________________ > Quote
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Posted May 14, 2006 For the longest I couldn't accept how uncaring and outrageous my nada was. I kept forgiving her and allowing myself to become enmeshed with her. She was neglectful, always cold, withdrawn and uncaring. She has always sought to put me down and degrade me. I never remember her liking or accepting me. Conversely sometimes she overpraises me to the point of lying in front of others. This is for her own show though, it has nothing to do with her regard for me. As far as extremes, she goes there when challenged or stressed. It doesn't have to have anything to do with me. I'm a convenient scapegoat and flashpoint for drama. She has to draw her family or other people into it for it to count. Otherwise her abuse and manipulation can be very subtle. I think the hardest thing is realizing and acceptiong that your nada actually cares nothing for you, no matter how she expresses it--subtle or extreme. Quote
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2006 Report Posted May 14, 2006 My relationship with my nada got progressively worse as I got older meaning that when I was a young child before I became more the individual that nada is determined to dislike. Mainly started in Jr high when I insisted on being a band member and playing an instrument (she wanted a choir mistress not a band geek). It only got worse I I was very strong in music, science in math and had a strong distaste for English. Every time I did somethign that showed me as more of an adult the worse the relationship with her got as well. She fought my confirmation and she tried to not allow me to make my own career decisions as far as college. Every step of the way instead of appreciateing her daughter was making it on her own, she fought it. Hence where we are now, with no contact because she oculd no longer control me with money/ time with my dad, she turned to more severe verbal abuse than before to try to manipulate me and I got to the point of there is no point to this relationship anymore, I need to end it because it is only hurting me and without dad, there is no reason to have a relationship with her (drove the rest of the family away from her and what was reunited once dad was alive all hates her as well as her own family doens't want her either. Hope this helps ML --------------------------------- Get amazing travel prices for air and hotel in one click on Yahoo! FareChase Quote
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