Re: Re: Crazy Making-Trish

[Guest guest]

Oooooh. I like your suggestion. The question is will I be brave enough to use

it? I am a junior high teacher! I dont know why I dont use all those skills

more often with nada. After all, it is thanks to her I am so good at it!

Question for you...you mentioned your dad. Is he still with your nada? How

has things affected your relationship with him?

BGrace

tlblack2006 wrote:

Grace, I know what you mean and I HATE when my nada makes remarks like

that. My brothers and dad don't know about BPD and haven't been to

therapy, but can ALL recognize that kind of behavior in my nada and

they all hate it too. I don't know if I learned my coping technique

from my therapist or from stop walking on eggshells, but it works for

me(with my nada AND with my high school students--double bonus)

My nada and my teenagers are prone to making snooty, snippy remarks

and then DENYING that they meant anything by it or stating I

misunderstood/am too sensitive whatever. I make a point of waiting

until we are alone or at least going near my nada and talking in a

quiet voice if others are present and saying, " When you said _____, it

sounded like you were_______(insulting me, insinuating something,

making fun of me.) I would appreciate it if you'd avoid making

comments like that in the future. " If she denies having that intent,

or thinks I'm too sensitive, I just say, " well, I'm glad that wasn't

what you meant; I guess we can agree that that wouldn't be a nice

thing to say. " If she rages at me, my policy is to leave. Also, if

she keeps doing a thing after I told her I didn't like it, I feel like

I'm justified in ending the conversation or leaving--and I do,

consistently.

It works out well, because if she denies it, it means she recognizes

that it was a bad thing to say and has been called on it. If she flips

out, then I have an out. Doing this repeatedly has lead to her

lessening her comments. And really the important realization for me

is that I don't need validation from her or agreement from her. I just

would like to warn her that the consequences of her behavior are me

not being around her. When she knows that in advance, it is usually a

deterrant.

Trish

>

> Well, nada revealed to me this week that her last P before she broke

away told her that she needed to make new friends and stop sabatoging

her relationships. Duh. I mean, good for her! (ha)

>

> My new question is this: emotional boundaries vs physical

boundaries. Or perhaps I should say verbal boundaries? I seem to be

able to work on the boundaries with nada that involve things like not

answering the phone, but how do I handle all of the inapprpriate

comments or things that are hurtful without constantly saying " that

was rude " or " I disagree " ?? Do I just ignore them? They are often

very passive agressive, truly make no sense, and are meant to inflame

(perhaps unintentionally?). Here are some examples of one liners from

nada:

>

> " I love my granddaughter more than my own kids. "

> " Your daughter doesnt cry with her father because she knows it

isnt worth it. "

> " Do you like your new hair cut? ...me either. "

> " I agree it is a good thing you arent putting her in daycare. I

wouldnt allow it. "

> and the list truly could go on from just the last three conversations.

>

> When we visit or when I talk to her I truly just tell myself now

'It is a visit to the Mental Hospital. Smile and nod. " (I got that

from someone else on here...)

> But I am sick of her comments. Just get over it and ignore? Each

one could potentially be a battle...ok now I am rambling...

> BUtifulGrace

>

>

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