OT: not a good day, just need a place to vent my fears

[Guest guest]

I hope no one minds..and if they do, please delete this now as it

has nothing to do with weight loss, but does have to do with my

journeys through a life from unhappiness to happiness and finding

myself. There is no laughter in this message..only fear and

concern.

Tonight, is a perfect example of why I hate being in love with

someone 3000 miles away. Tonight is a night that I need to sit

quietly in my lovers arms and just be held, supported and feel the

love. I miss him so and Im aching. Im scared. And Im trying not to

panic.

Do you ever wonder when things are going really well in your life,

when something will just screw it up? Ive thanked God lately for all

the blessings of good health and happiness Ive had in the last 4

months (first 3 months post op sucked royally). My entire life has

changed for the better, from my kids, to a new job, to my health,

and to my love life...I tried hard not to wonder when that would

end. Has it? I dont know but the fear I feel right now is real.

October was breast cancer awareness month. In honor, I did a breast

self examination. I haven't been good about them for several years

now. I didn't feel anything significant but I did notice that I had

nipple discharge only in one breast. Could it be from surgery? I

didn't know so I asked the PA at the surgeons office when I went for

my 6 month visit a month ago...Gallactorhea...meaning discharge from

the breast. My theory was that as we break down fat cells we release

more estrogen..could it cause lactation? I had to ask. Her reply was

unlikely. But she also didn't think it was much to worry about. I

told her I already had my girlie exam scheduled for 11/9 so she just

told me to talk to my primary care doctor. Which I did today.

I explained to her (my primary care doctor) the history..and the

fact that in 1996 I had a cyst in the same breast but that they felt

it was benign and would go away. With how large my breasts were then

I could never really locate it again. With my weight loss, and the

loss of all my tissue Ive discovered I have fibrocystic breasts and

they are very hard to feel because they are just generally LUMPY! So

she checked me out.

What she found I was not emotionally prepared to hear. A mass ..in

my left breast..the one that has discharge. She tried to tell me its

probably nothing to worry about..maybe " a ligament " but " I don't

feel it on the other side " . With that she scheduled an ultrasound

and a mammogram putting " diagnostic " on the paperwork instead of

routine. She referred me to the surgeon here Dr. Persky who deals

with our breast cancer patients. And she sent me on my way.

Now you tell me, if you weren't worried about it being cancer, as a

doctor wouldn't you order the tests, find out the results and THEN

IF NECESSARY refer you to a surgeon?? I think we skipped a step

here. Of course I know it still could be nothing..but it could also

be something. And frankly, and very honestly, you all know how I

feel about my breasts. Ive explained it enough my desire for

reconstruction just from weight loss...but now? If I have breast

cancer ..then what? Im in a state of shock and worry. I told my

fiance and he is just too far away to really be able to support me

in the manner he wants to. He is scared also, and his way of coping

is to become very quiet and just think. So he is off to bed (its 930

there and he has to be up early too), and here I am at 630 pm with

all this running through my mind.

I did talk to my bosses (of 2.5 months) and they are very

supportive. After all, Im still the new kid on the block and this

could be bad considering Im still in that probationary phase. They

both told me that I had to take care of myself and that they would

be supporting behind me 100%. " do what you need to do katharine and

we will help in any way we can " ..one blessing.

So I guess Im here scared and feeling very alone. Altho 1 out of

every 8 women get breast cancer these days. The fear of the unknown

has never been easy for me. Thanks for letting me " vocalize " my

fears. In some odd way its like journaling to a live croud. And on

some level it helps me cope.

Katharine