Guest guest Posted April 28, 2006 Report Posted April 28, 2006 Hi all, Yesterday was my birthday and my Nada's birthday. The woman managed to even cheat me out of my own birthday and that was quite a feat since she was only 18 that day. It was quite a miserable day -- I have been completely estranged from the woman for 4 years now -- but some years are better than others. I marked a milestone yesterday in that instead of hoping that she wasn't feeling the same amount of pain I was feeling and hoping she was having a good day, I actually hoped she was as pain ridden as me. Sounds terrible, I know. But for me, it means I am finally able to put myself and my needs before her and her desire to emotionally murder me. Anyway, I'm posting because the clothes thing caught my attention. I couldn't have said it any better than Charlie. One the most horrible fights my nada and I ever had was over a pair of blue shoes she thought I should wear to work -- I was just beginning my career and was developing my own professional style. In the end, she said to me " how can you not like those shoes, I am your mother and I like them, so you should, too. " I was 45 yesterday, so that fight must have been nealy 25 years ago and yet, it was so horrible that I still remember it to this day. I also remember the shoes. I hated them. Still do to this day. I was a fat kid, also. Nada was slim and young and a quite beautiful redhead. When we went out in public, people stared at us she was so beautiful. I thought they were staring because I was so ugly -- I kid you not. I eventually lost it for many years and then regained as the years went by. Interestingly, after my first child was born and I got really into working out and got really thin, her rage became nearly unbearable. She couldn't stand it. Very interesting isn't it. --- WTOAdultChildren1 wrote: > There is 1 message in this issue. > > Topics in this digest: > > 1. Neva's Basic Taste in Clothes and Music > From: " charlottehoneychurch " > > > > ________________________________________________________________________ > ________________________________________________________________________ > > Message: 1 > Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2006 22:55:39 -0000 > From: " charlottehoneychurch " > > Subject: Neva's Basic Taste in Clothes and Music > > Dear Neva, > > Thanks for posting this stuff. I had almost the > exact same > experience with my nada, and it was especially bad > during > childhood. It didn't help that I had decidedly > urban taste in > clothing--stuff I saw on tv or magazines--and that > it really wasn't > available in the suburbs where I lived. But I only > know that now. > What I knew growing up was that going to the mall > was going to be a > torturous experience because I was 'fat' (also only > 100 pounds!), I > was unable to dress myself, I picked out terrible > ugly clothes just > to hurt my poor nada, I was terribly mean to my poor > nada, and I > insisted on complaining when she INVARIABLY chose to > put on a radio > station that I hated in the car. The first part of > growing up for > me was discovering my own taste in clothes and how > to do my hair. I > STARTED learning this around age 24, and didn't > really get it down > until my 30s had started. > > Now that I've got it down, I feel comfortable with > my appearance, > and at times nada splits me good for it. Which > freaks me out, > because I grew up split bad and it was presented as > being based on > my appearance. Recently I was split good, and nada > told me she and > my sister had gone to the mall looking for those > 'neat shirts' like > I wear. It was a very strange experience for the 12 > year old in me > who had been made for so many years to feel like a > 'pig' for the > shirts she would wear! > > Anyway, Neva, when nada's resist your basic taste in > clothes and > music, what they are trying to do is 'merge' with > you, and keep you > from being a separate creature from them. That is > why, when your > taste is not automatically theirs, they get > personally offended. > Or, if they do not get offended, they try to 'be' > you (like my > example above explains), and dress the same way. > Cannibalize your > own taste and try to pretend it's theirs. This > tendency is nothing > short of an attempt at annihilation of your very > self--even though > it's not physical, it's very, very serious, so do > take it seriously. > > Best, > Charlie > > > > > > > > ...<SNIP> > > > > > >I've grown to accept that I'm > > > not a mutant. I am allowed to have my own > > > tastes/preferences/opinions > > > > So true!! Amazing that growing up in such messed > up families meant > > that something as stupid as liking a song my > mother didn't like, > not > > liking a song she did, having my own taste in > clothes, or picking > my > > own friends was such a crime. Honestly, I totally > internalized > the > > messages of " you're just bad to the core. " > " there's something > deeply > > wrong with you and nobody will be able to love you > ever. " and the > > favorite " you must be stupid. " > > > > Looking back it was for such silly things. I knew > people at > school > > who tried drugs or shop lifted or got in real > trouble, but I was > bad > > to the core for being in a bad mood after being > criticized > > relentlessly for hours, or because I cleaned > everything but missed > a > > spot. > > > > Wow!! The freedom of just being able to say, some > people like this > > kind of music and some people don't and that's ok! > > > > >I used to have > > > trouble trusting that my perceptions were > correct, > > > since I " couldn't get along with people " , > " always saw > > > things the wrong way " , and " had a big chip on my > > > shoulder. " > > > > > This is so important too. I felt for years that I > was completely > > insane because my mother would just sound so > vicious or would drag > > me around by an ear for a minor offense and then > someone else > would > > come in and she'd be sweet as pie in a split > second. I learned > > early never to question anything, but once as an > adult I > confronted > > her over her having called me ugly and fat so much > as a young teen > > when I was very vulnerable. Naturally she denied > that she was > even > > capable of saying such things. > > > > Oh, and the times she went to my father to tell > him how evil I > was, > > somehow anything I'd said or done was exagerated > 500% but she > hadn't > > said anything or done anything. In her opinion > she'd just been > > doing something nice, helping me, offering > friendly advice (You > > know, like that I was too fat to wear anything > except really long > > skirts when I was only 100 pounds) and I'd gotten > upset and abused > > her by crying or leaving the room for no reason. > > > > When two people's perceptions are so far apart you > really start to > > wonder if you're insane, and it's worse when > everyone else backs > her > > up too. Even though they weren't there, they just > know you're the > > awful, bad one. > > > > Eeeee!! Neva > > > > > > > > > ________________________________________________________________________ > ________________________________________________________________________ > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for > help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT > CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " > call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We > also refer to �Understanding the Borderline Mother� > (Lawson) and �Surviving the Borderline Parent,� > (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome > to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online > Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Quote
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