Re: Why so hard?

August 14, 2009

In my distant past while thinking that I was enjoying the party life - I was

actually sinking lower and lower into no self-respect, no-confidence and no

self-worth. You truly could insult me back then, because I thought so little of

myself that it never came across as an insult. I had truly stopped feeling!!!

Then because I crawled into the rooms of a 12 step recovery program, I was

slowly put back together piece by piece by a lot of wonderful people who have

crossed my path. I will forever be grateful to 12 step programs because I was

then able to not become the person I fantasized I was; but, instead, I became

the person I truly was which was a whole lot better.

Also, I was an extremely private person in that life, that never let anyone get

too close... Perhaps, when I had gone through the last major relationship

disappointment and barely sober, I just decided my mother had been right all

along - " not everyone is going to like you and you're not going to like everyone

either " . So I came back telling you more than you would ever want to know about

me because that way, you could hurt me with my own little secrets!!!

Now life in the next 15 yrs from that point, was not always easy, of course.

But for the most part, I sure did enjoy it a whole lot more than when I partied

so hard. I was granted some truly amazing great things that would never have

happened prior.

However, this chronic illness sure does have it's way of taking some of the

stuffing out of us. I learned after my first treatment that stress is truly a

powerful health " undoer " and worked on decreasing my work load to a much more

manageable level (except at tax season). Yet, stress got in under my barriers

last week, and I've had yet another lesson in fighting harder to not allow that

to happen because it affects my health so negatively.

Usually, when I have kept the stress away, I can then easily see all the reasons

there are to continue to fight the dragon and not whine about it (too much or

very often). There are lots and lots of examples all around me and in the

world, of other people who have it so much more difficult than I do and don't

even have the resources left to hope for a change.

A counsellor once asked me when I was first diagnosed - what would I want to

change or finish before I left the planet, if I was truly dying. Instantly I

said, that I would want to ensure that those closest to me know how much I love

them. So still, I tried to tell those persons that I Love them every chance I

have.

My son just messaged me that he had left Frisco today after all and was

somewhere up the I5 and about to take a nap. He didn't have much time because

he was running out of power but he ended it with " I Love you Mom " !!! Now

that's truly a very special thing to hear from one's 30 yr old while he's on

vacation....

Gloria

________________________________

Many people are so hard on themselves. A person can only go through

so much until they feel that everything and anything has no bearing of

being in their control. Yet, they have to deal with the emotions,

grief, and suffering it can cause. It goes way beyond coping...it

goes to learning to accept what ever may take place in your life,

no matter how hard, no matter how long it takes, no matter if it

will stay with you the rest of your life and you go over and over it

again in your mind wishing you had done something else or something

different.

People are not robots. We are living, breathing, and very feeling

creatures. Some people try to stop any feeling at all. Some

people go through so much it numbs them and they wonder if they

will ever feel again..like being in total shock. Living life

as if going through the motions, but not really present.

I truly believe that panic attacks come from reaching the point that

your body is responding to the enormous amount of stress you been

under. My mother said once, " My God, how much can one person take! "

She died when I was thirteen. Yet, I always remember her saying that

when she knew of someone going through a tremendous amount of

suffering and stress.

I truly look for the day when there will be no more death or sickness.

When we will be able to see all our family members who have passed

on before us and meet the ones we never got a chance to know.

There will be no more suffering and tears.

Losing the ones we love so much is harder than anything that is

done physically to us. It goes right to the core of our being and

stays there.

I just lost a dear friend...her name was Mabel. She was so very

sweet and such a gentle soul. She was passive and kind.

The what IFS are always with me...they really haunt me and give

me no peace. I miss her dearly. No one can ever take the place in your heart

that you have reserved for your loved one, you lost.

And now having to face the reality of this disease.

People should be given honors for dealing with all you have

gone through.

I'm not so sure anti depressant medication is always needed.

I think you need to feel some relief from all that has happened in your life.

You need time to relax and focus on other more enjoyable things.

You need someone to care for you the way you have taken care of

and been there for others. Life is fleeting, but what we go

through...others have already been there. We are never truly

alone in what happens to us.

__________________________________________________________________

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August 14, 2009

Abijann,

I love you so much. I wonder how you see into my heart so clearly. I was

hospitalized last week for the panic attacks that I have been having. Mine I

think were brought on when my son would leave the house and I was alone. I have

been so alone for such a long time and I DON'T want to be alone now, but don't

know how to change it.....but it really has been changed by my wonderful friends

here.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for touching my

life and helping me to start to live more productive again.

Thanks be to God for he creates our tomorrows Love, Lyncia

From: abijann <no_reply >

Subject: Why so hard?

To: livercirrhosissupport

Date: Friday, August 14, 2009, 10:12 PM