Update

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for the kind thoughts and well wishes for my nada's

fiance's suicide. Its really, really sick. Overall, I can tell I'm in

such a different place than the FOO as I don't feel anger towards him

for killing himself. They are all so angry and yet it doesn't matter

if he killed himself or walked out on her, they'd all gang-up and be

angry at him for what he did to her- KWIM? I just feel sad for a life

that is lost, can't be replaced, the utter despair he must have felt

not only living w/nada but probably for a long time since he had a

nada of his own.

I've thought back to the first time I met him and how I liked him and

compared notes w/how our nadas were soooo similar and my nada was

standing right there laughing. I jokingly said 'well at least you

know what you're getting into.' I have to remember that as people do

have limited free will and choices that they make about the people

they associate with and the relationships they continue to foster. He

made the choice of being w/my nada. He made the choice to live in the

same city as his nada as well. He made the choice to kill himself.

Yes, it could've been prevented, but he like so many lost in bp land

find the struggle to get healthy and change the course of history so

much more difficult than the pain of the same. I still am a bit

miffed and wondering 'why am I soooo different from them?' and then I

thank God that I am- that I grabbed onto various opportunities and

friendships along the way that lead to where I am today. I like me

and my life and definitely understand now just how dangerous these

people are- not just nada. Nada is of course mentally ill, but the

ones who chose to be in denial are probably a million times worse in

so many little ways. I think I read about this quote from WWII and

the horrors that were perpetuated there- 'All it takes for evil to

reign is for good people to do nothing.' That's kind of what I think

of my other FOO that's not bp right now and I wonder even then if

good people is the right terminology...seems like a lack of courage

is a character flaw but I also believe lots of good people lack

courage when faced w/tyranny as I have been in that boat. But

cowardice, like courage, take practice to get good at one or the

other.

Today I felt really good about some things I did. I am flying in for

the visitation on Sunday (flying in Sat morning and leaving Sunday

night and staying w/my inlaws- not any of my FOO and plan on only

seeing them for a couple of hours as I pay my last respects to him).

Dh totally wants nothing to do w/my family at all right now,

including the ones he usually likes as he says their levels of denial

cost someone a life and he wants our family to have nothing to do

w/them. I don't blame him. But my auntie whom I told this said she

understood but then said later on the conversation she would stop by

my inlaws while I was in town to see me and the baby (the two year

old is staying here w/dh this weekend- the baby is still nursing and

so has to go w/me though will be staying w/my inlaws during the

visitation). I said 'well we'll just stop by your house for an hour

Saturday or so and see you and uncle.' and she said 'no, this place

isn't kid friendly at all.' Before I knew it, I was kind of steam

rolled and when I got off the phone I was pissed and didn't know why.

Then it hit me. She knew my dh doesn't want anything to do w/them, I

offered to stop by her house and she said no (which would also leave

me an out if I get too overwhelmed- she's not a bp but

toxic/codependant/alcoholic), and then just invites herself to my

inlaw's house! Of course I was mad. It was clearly a boundaries issue

and her taking advantage of the fact we have always been close. I

stewed on it for a little bit and got madder and almost decided to

cancel my trip, which I still may, and then called and left a message

on her machine that said 'no, stopping by my inlaws was not a good

idea and that either I can stop by her house or I'll see her alone at

the visitation on Sunday, but inviting yourself to my inlaws right

now is not a good idea.' Click. I was proud of myself for that

boundary and saying 'no' to her as its always been hard to say no to

her- or anyone else in the FOO I guess though I have had boundaries

up w/nada for a while. I'm also realizing everyone else in the family

needs boundaries as well.

I had another incident that was similar where I just laid down the

boundaries too and that felt good being assertive w/o being

aggressive, rude or letting the anger build up to the point where I

just rip em a new one, KWIM? I truly can see now that they'll all

really screwed up.

I'm glad my aunt went to therapy yesterday, but I kind of am also

more like 'well, that's your choice. I'm not playing the rescue game

anymore.' with my family and I don't think I even realized until

today that I've played the rescue game w/my aunt so many times. I

validate her, she validates me but then turns around and invalidates

me so she's not reallly safe and dh is totally on the money.

Anyway, I'm still on the fence as to whether or not I should go- not

going out of obligation as I already told nada and the rest I'm not

there for you or to be leaned on. I'm paying my last respects.

Period. But I still don't know if its what's best for me. I'm kind of

looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephews and spend sometime

w/them for their birthdays (niece's b-day is Sunday and nephew's is

next week) and see my bestfriend and inlaws. Its just kind of a mixed

bag. I don't want anymore baggage.

I also said 'no' one other time b/c the funeral is on Monday and that

is not convient for me and I'm not willing to bend in that direction.

KWIM? Not sure if they expected me. Actually I think they are unsure

what to expect of me and are kind of surprised I'm coming at all as

they know how I feel about them. Hello! I've only been saying for the

past 2-3 years to everyone 'you need therapy.' And so it almost feels

like they are walking on eggshells around me- like they know I've

been 'prophesying' this kind of thing and that scares them. I guess

that is some kind of hope that maybe they are reachable- parts of

them still trying to get straight. But in the end, my ultimate hope

is not in that direction and I'm content to leave them to their own

devices. I truly do feel in my heart and soul that this tragedy is

confirmation and validation of the choice I made in December about

nc/rc.

Kerrie