Re: Update -- Kerrie

[Guest guest]

Kerrie,

Love IS a choice, I agree. I can choose to love, like, dislike, hate or

not. Also, I KWYM about feeling good about being aware of yet not giving

in to the impulse to “just rip ‘em a new one.” That’s a good feeling.

I’m also inspired by how you quickly assessed your relative’s

boundary-crossing behavior and put a stop to it. It does seem that the

“tragedy is confirmation and validation of the choice [you] made in

December about nc/rc.” I’ve learned that major events are often the only

confirmations and validations I’ve gotten about my RC choices. However,

for me, NO event has EVER confirmed or validated ANY important perceptions

of mine in ANY of my FOO’s minds. That makes it easier for me to

accurately perceive that they won’t change. I get to move on even more

clearly with my life.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- Kerrie wrote:

> Thanks everyone for the kind thoughts and well wishes for my nada's

> fiance's suicide. Its really, really sick. Overall, I can tell I'm in

> such a different place than the FOO as I don't feel anger towards him

> for killing himself. They are all so angry and yet it doesn't matter

> if he killed himself or walked out on her, they'd all gang-up and be

> angry at him for what he did to her- KWIM? I just feel sad for a life

> that is lost, can't be replaced, the utter despair he must have felt

> not only living w/nada but probably for a long time since he had a

> nada of his own.

>

> I've thought back to the first time I met him and how I liked him and

> compared notes w/how our nadas were soooo similar and my nada was

> standing right there laughing. I jokingly said 'well at least you

> know what you're getting into.' I have to remember that as people do

> have limited free will and choices that they make about the people

> they associate with and the relationships they continue to foster. He

> made the choice of being w/my nada. He made the choice to live in the

> same city as his nada as well. He made the choice to kill himself.

> Yes, it could've been prevented, but he like so many lost in bp land

> find the struggle to get healthy and change the course of history so

> much more difficult than the pain of the same. I still am a bit

> miffed and wondering 'why am I soooo different from them?' and then I

> thank God that I am- that I grabbed onto various opportunities and

> friendships along the way that lead to where I am today. I like me

> and my life and definitely understand now just how dangerous these

> people are- not just nada. Nada is of course mentally ill, but the

> ones who chose to be in denial are probably a million times worse in

> so many little ways. I think I read about this quote from WWII and

> the horrors that were perpetuated there- 'All it takes for evil to

> reign is for good people to do nothing.' That's kind of what I think

> of my other FOO that's not bp right now and I wonder even then if

> good people is the right terminology...seems like a lack of courage

> is a character flaw but I also believe lots of good people lack

> courage when faced w/tyranny as I have been in that boat. But

> cowardice, like courage, take practice to get good at one or the

> other.

>

> Today I felt really good about some things I did. I am flying in for

> the visitation on Sunday (flying in Sat morning and leaving Sunday

> night and staying w/my inlaws- not any of my FOO and plan on only

> seeing them for a couple of hours as I pay my last respects to him).

> Dh totally wants nothing to do w/my family at all right now,

> including the ones he usually likes as he says their levels of denial

> cost someone a life and he wants our family to have nothing to do

> w/them. I don't blame him. But my auntie whom I told this said she

> understood but then said later on the conversation she would stop by

> my inlaws while I was in town to see me and the baby (the two year

> old is staying here w/dh this weekend- the baby is still nursing and

> so has to go w/me though will be staying w/my inlaws during the

> visitation). I said 'well we'll just stop by your house for an hour

> Saturday or so and see you and uncle.' and she said 'no, this place

> isn't kid friendly at all.' Before I knew it, I was kind of steam

> rolled and when I got off the phone I was pissed and didn't know why.

> Then it hit me. She knew my dh doesn't want anything to do w/them, I

> offered to stop by her house and she said no (which would also leave

> me an out if I get too overwhelmed- she's not a bp but

> toxic/codependant/alcoholic), and then just invites herself to my

> inlaw's house! Of course I was mad. It was clearly a boundaries issue

> and her taking advantage of the fact we have always been close. I

> stewed on it for a little bit and got madder and almost decided to

> cancel my trip, which I still may, and then called and left a message

> on her machine that said 'no, stopping by my inlaws was not a good

> idea and that either I can stop by her house or I'll see her alone at

> the visitation on Sunday, but inviting yourself to my inlaws right

> now is not a good idea.' Click. I was proud of myself for that

> boundary and saying 'no' to her as its always been hard to say no to

> her- or anyone else in the FOO I guess though I have had boundaries

> up w/nada for a while. I'm also realizing everyone else in the family

> needs boundaries as well.

>

> I had another incident that was similar where I just laid down the

> boundaries too and that felt good being assertive w/o being

> aggressive, rude or letting the anger build up to the point where I

> just rip em a new one, KWIM? I truly can see now that they'll all

> really screwed up.

>

> I'm glad my aunt went to therapy yesterday, but I kind of am also

> more like 'well, that's your choice. I'm not playing the rescue game

> anymore.' with my family and I don't think I even realized until

> today that I've played the rescue game w/my aunt so many times. I

> validate her, she validates me but then turns around and invalidates

> me so she's not reallly safe and dh is totally on the money.

>

> Anyway, I'm still on the fence as to whether or not I should go- not

> going out of obligation as I already told nada and the rest I'm not

> there for you or to be leaned on. I'm paying my last respects.

> Period. But I still don't know if its what's best for me. I'm kind of

> looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephews and spend sometime

> w/them for their birthdays (niece's b-day is Sunday and nephew's is

> next week) and see my bestfriend and inlaws. Its just kind of a mixed

> bag. I don't want anymore baggage.

>

> I also said 'no' one other time b/c the funeral is on Monday and that

> is not convient for me and I'm not willing to bend in that direction.

> KWIM? Not sure if they expected me. Actually I think they are unsure

> what to expect of me and are kind of surprised I'm coming at all as

> they know how I feel about them. Hello! I've only been saying for the

> past 2-3 years to everyone 'you need therapy.' And so it almost feels

> like they are walking on eggshells around me- like they know I've

> been 'prophesying' this kind of thing and that scares them. I guess

> that is some kind of hope that maybe they are reachable- parts of

> them still trying to get straight. But in the end, my ultimate hope

> is not in that direction and I'm content to leave them to their own

> devices. I truly do feel in my heart and soul that this tragedy is

> confirmation and validation of the choice I made in December about

> nc/rc.

>

> Kerrie

>

>

>

>

>

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