Re: a lonely holiday

April 14, 2006

Hi Charlie,

I am sorry to hear you are having this difficult time with the

holiday. It can be difficult at times to be single in a world that

focuses on couples and groups. And I certainly understand your not

wanting to spend any of this time with your nada.

Well, sometimes desperate times call for desperate - or unusual -

measures. Here is what popped into my mind when I read your post.

I thought of two different options. First, perhaps you would like

to plan something for all the inner children for this holiday? Are

there are few things you could do that would appeal to them? The

second option was because you are feeling ill - can you just decide

that you are going to use this time to rest and recuperate? (Would

the inner kids understand/accept that 'mom' is sick and needs time

off?) I think when we are sick over a holiday, it is appropriate to

just take it as down time - and focus on taking care of ourselves.

If you are feeling so down, you really do need pampering. Being a

KO in recovery is very hard, exhausting work.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hi posters,

>

> I'm having a rough go of it today! It's been lasting a few days,

> actually. This is how I feel, courtesy of Judith Herman:

>

> 'traumitized people feel utterly abandoned, utterly alone, cast

out of

> the human and divine systems of care and protection that sustain

life.'

>

> Most of you, when you choose (wisely) to spend holidays away from

> nada, have your own family to spend them with. I don't. And due

to

> way too much nada time recently, I am nowhere near up for spending

> Easter anywhere near her. The problem is, I now live quite far

from

> any of my friends, and even if I wanted to go and see them, I (a)

have

> car problems and ( have come down with a flu of some sort. I'm

also

> sick of it, to be honest. Most of my accessible close friends now

> have children. One has an abusive boyfriend she chooses to stay

with,

> and he violates my boundaries as much as nada. I'm sick of having

to

> go through what I do just to feel the small sense of connection to

the

> world.

>

> My inner kids are freaking out. They feel 100% banished and have

no

> will to even move about. I was not prepared for this sortof back-

> swing. I have a good chance at a couple of jobs, and I've really

been

> doing so well. But too much nada, followed by this illness and

Easter

> blooming, it's really put me in a backswing. I feel so alone and

> despondent. It's so strong that some of my old dissociation

patterns

> are emerging. And when I dissociate, the 16 year old gets pissed

that

> we didn't do anything constructive all day, and she scares the

others

> so much w/her anger, that they hide all the more. Good Lord! I

am in

> a tremendous amount of discomfort, here.

>

> I guess this is partly the borderline flea of imagining that the

whole

> world is what's happening right now, and that things will never

> change. And that, if you are not immediately surrounding by

people

> worshipping you (especially a spouse), you don't deserve to exist.

>

> Ugh. I've progressed so that I didn't think I could get this

down.

> Who was it that posted recently about holidays? They most

certainly

> DO bite the big one!

>

> Charlie

>

April 14, 2006

Charlie, I have certainly had the same feeling that you are having.

ly, I've had it on and off since I first moved out of the FOO's

house when I was 18. To get away(far away) from the foo, I had to go

far away from my support group too. Since then, I've lived in a

variety of cities on 3 continents and have made a total of 5 major

moves in 10 years--so I've had to get used to spending time

alone--even holiday time.

I know what it feels like to be on the verge of panicking that there's

no one I feel close to or that I feel separate and to really be alone.

I also know exactly what you mean about having a very restless, angry

reaction comming from somewhere when I feel I've done nothing

productive. I've learned some coping skills, though. Especially when

I lived in Europe and knew no one because I'd just arrived. It can

feel really awful. Strangely, I can go for a really long time and

feel fine and then, as you've experienced, out of the blue you start

to feel terrible--just when you thought you were doing so well. I'm

sorry you're going through this time, but you are probably very right

when you point out that you are sick(if that isn't a mood crusher, I

don't know what is!) and that you are working on creating more

distance from your FOO. It sounds like you already know this, but

it's not forever--I know that from experience. I also know that

sometimes it feels like it will be forever at the time!

Usually, the way I cope with times that I know I'm likely to feel sad

and alone (weekends, hollidays etc.) is to come up with a plan and

then stick to it--even if I feel silly doing it alone or don't feel

motivated to do anything--even if it requires effort or time. For

example, if you're not too sick, you might consider making yourself a

special dish that requires preparation but that you enjoy cooking. If

you are very sick, you could just rent some movies that you've wanted

to watch for a long time or go out and buy yourself some books or

magazines for while you are getting better. Also, even with car

trouble, you can still get out of the house if you really need to.

For example, in my area, there are rental car companies that will pick

you up so you can get in and rent something. It's an idea in case you

start to feel really down and trapped.

I'm on my own tonight and I'm feeling a little sad too--my husband's

gone, I'm relatively new to the area and it's Friday night! So I've

been working on a plan to possibly go shopping for some things I need

or go see a film or something. And I'm going to stick to it, darn it!

Anyway, good luck. I know that moods like this are the worst and that

they can sometimes feel eternal--but it will change.

Trish

>

> Hi posters,

>

> I'm having a rough go of it today! It's been lasting a few days,

> actually. This is how I feel, courtesy of Judith Herman:

>

> 'traumitized people feel utterly abandoned, utterly alone, cast out of

> the human and divine systems of care and protection that sustain life.'

>

> Most of you, when you choose (wisely) to spend holidays away from

> nada, have your own family to spend them with. I don't. And due to

> way too much nada time recently, I am nowhere near up for spending

> Easter anywhere near her. The problem is, I now live quite far from

> any of my friends, and even if I wanted to go and see them, I (a) have

> car problems and ( have come down with a flu of some sort. I'm also

> sick of it, to be honest. Most of my accessible close friends now

> have children. One has an abusive boyfriend she chooses to stay with,

> and he violates my boundaries as much as nada. I'm sick of having to

> go through what I do just to feel the small sense of connection to the

> world.

>

> My inner kids are freaking out. They feel 100% banished and have no

> will to even move about. I was not prepared for this sortof back-

> swing. I have a good chance at a couple of jobs, and I've really been

> doing so well. But too much nada, followed by this illness and Easter

> blooming, it's really put me in a backswing. I feel so alone and

> despondent. It's so strong that some of my old dissociation patterns

> are emerging. And when I dissociate, the 16 year old gets pissed that

> we didn't do anything constructive all day, and she scares the others

> so much w/her anger, that they hide all the more. Good Lord! I am in

> a tremendous amount of discomfort, here.

>

> I guess this is partly the borderline flea of imagining that the whole

> world is what's happening right now, and that things will never

> change. And that, if you are not immediately surrounding by people

> worshipping you (especially a spouse), you don't deserve to exist.

>

> Ugh. I've progressed so that I didn't think I could get this down.

> Who was it that posted recently about holidays? They most certainly

> DO bite the big one!

>

> Charlie

>

April 14, 2006

Well, Charlie,

That was you know who, me, who posted about holidays recently. So far I am

still single. I have my daughter but for some reason I feel like I need an

adult to associate with b/c I have to be a good mother for my daughter and

feeling icky like I am I don't feel like I am being a good mother. I will

do things with my daughter tomorrow and Sun (except I might have to work a

lot tomorrow) all the while making myself do everything b/c, like you, I

have just lost motivation, and it's been this way for about 6 days now, kind

of took me by surprise, too. To make things even more fun, it's dealing

with hormone time, plus the server for my job keeps crashing (could not work

yesterday at all and I was frustrated, now it's crashing again this evening,

and the company just wants us to make up for lost time by working as much as

we can before midnight Sat night). Oh, boy. I ain't well motivated to do

my work for a few weeks now. I just do it anyway b/c I gotta, but my

production amount has been lower than usual, which means being paid less.

I tend to go into hermit mode when I am feeling down. Sometimes I make

myself just go out somewhere; it may help a little, but not for long. And

even more fun was yesterday was nada's birthday, which means guilt trip auto

pilot mode without even having to think. Ugh.

I do have a boyfriend but I won't get to see him these next few days. He

has a normal family where he can get together with them and have all sorts

of fun. So of course I feel guilty for feeling jealous. Now I could go

with him to his family's, but the problem is I feel quite weird just yet as

I am the type of person who can function well around about 2 or 3 people,

and bigger then that I feel highly socially inept. I think once I get to

know them slowly in a smaller group fashion I would do okay in the bigger

group fashion. Plus I know daughter would be totally bored, so I decided

me and daughter were just going to stay home and play it by ear. One good

thing is tomorrow I get to take daughter tomorrow to start volunteering with

rescue horses. I will make myself drive that far almost every Sat just so

she can enjoy working with the horses and not be so focused only on nada's

horses.

And I am always afraid boyfriend is going to think I am strange somehow or

not emotionally stable enough (blah blah typical non feelings) that he won't

want to keep me. So I do communicate with him when I feel icky about nada

stuff, but it also seems that if I talk about it too much he may just want

to run the other direction; in essence, the ole non thinking of not being

lovable enough or whatever.

I can't wait until Tues b/c maybe by then things will be better. But when

you feel like crap, yep, it does feel like it's forever.

Sure wish you lived in visiting range from me. I have a friend that I went

to visit with on Christmas,but problem now is she is getting a divorce so

things are all hairy; I am supposed to act like I don't know about it that

her kid told my kid about it, b/c she is kinda like me -- don't wanna

overshow inefficiencies in yourself and you feel like a loser when things

happen like your marriage falls apart, and she, like me, tends to keep to

herself during turmoil. At least I know she has her grandmother to be with,

anyway, so that's something good for her.

Theresa