Re: the message Trish/Flea

[Guest guest]

Hi Trish, it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one who has felt

this. I've never thought of dissociation before, but I wouldn't be

surprised because it's such an intense annihilating feeling. There

was one very special time when I felt healed and it felt like the

holes weren't there and that I was solid, warm, and safe. It was

related to some spiritual work I had done, but I haven't been able to

reproduce it.

Hi Flea, sounds like you have some attachment theory for this? I've

heard of Bowlby but I can't remember if I've read his stuff. Is he

the one studying those poor monkeys with the stuffed animal? And

how sad you knew exactly what those baby monkeys felt! I too never

remember feeling loved and safe with her - at best I felt like

nothing was actively going wrong. Sad statement.

Hats off to all of us, it's pretty damn incredible we grew up and are

computer literate!

sunny

> >

> > A particular part of 's heartfelt letter to his brother got

me

> > thinking. He said that the message that he was bad was contained

> > overtly or covertly in everything his mother said to him. I

thought

> > to myself, is that true for me? The answer for me is that the

> > message I get over and over is that *I don't exist*. I, me, the

self

> > as separate from her. That I only exist to be of use or an

extension

> > of her and to the degree that I fulfill that I am " good " and to

the

> > degree that I thwart that I am " bad " . The times when she sparks

the

> > most severe depression in me the feeling is one of blackness,

> > emptiness, as if there is some dreadful psychic wind and it blows

> > right through me because I don't exist. Fortunately, I don't

feel

> > that too often. I often wonder if that feeling is something

from

> > infancy because it feels very preverbal, primal. I know that

she had

> > great trouble comforting me as a baby and in fact broke down

crying

> > because she couldn't and my father often lost patience and would

leave

> > the two of us crying together. I wonder if that feeling is what

it's

> > like for a baby to not feel an emotional connection to their

mother?

> >

> > Thoughts?

> >

> > sunny

> >

>