Guest guest Posted April 16, 2010 Report Share Posted April 16, 2010 Hi Kaivey, The most popular notion of self-esteem is actually somewhat problematic, from an ACT perspective. While there are different ideas of what self-esteem is, by far the most common concept of self-esteem involves fusion with a conceptualised self. Thus ‘low self-esteem’ is fusion with a negative conceptualised self (eg I am a loser) and high self-esteem is fusion with a positive conceptualised self (eg I am lovable). Most popular approaches to developing high self-esteem place a major emphasis on positive self-affirmations: thinking positively about who you are, evaluating yourself positively, and then believing those thoughts as much as possible. In other words, they want you to fuse with positive self-descriptions and self-evaluations. In contrast, ACT sees fusion with a conceptualised self as problematic, regardless of whether it is positive or negative; we are not our self-descriptions or self-evaluations. So ACT is all in favour of self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-nurture, self-support, and self-development – but ACT contradicts major elements of most popular models of self-esteem. (NB: there are a tiny number of models of self-esteem out there which would be ACT consistent – but they are a tiny minority amongst all the different models of self-esteem currently in existence, and they focus on self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-nurture, self-support, and self-development as opposed to encouraging fusion with a positive conceptualised self. It would be better if such models did not actually use the term ‘self-esteem’, as it can be a bit confusing. Thus I don’t think you’ll find an ACT book on self-esteem any time soon; but maybe there might be one called ‘Beyond Self-Esteem) All the best, Cheers, Russ www.actmadesimple.com www.act-with-love.com www.thehappinesstrap.com www.actmindfully.com.au From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of vcferrara Sent: Saturday, 17 April 2010 8:02 AM To: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Re: Self Esteem Cherry Huber would tell you to accept it, and see what happens What is self-esteem anyways...its just a collection of thoughts about yourself that you are believing...its not concrete Thoughts aren't the problem...its believing them Have you read any of Bryon 's work? www.thework.com > > I have come to the conclusion that all my life I have suffered from a serious low self esteem problem which has caused all my suffering. I don't believe there is anything wrong with my biology/ genes etc. There has also been times when even ACT has caused me to feel bad, but it's problably because I'm not doing ACT properly. A For instance, I'm not very good at the self compassion part of ACT. But when I fail to live up to my values, or go forward with my hands and feet, I can feel a failure, shame, and even more inadequate. > > say's there is no need to right a book for any specific condition because the process of ACT is the same for all distress. Like Buddhism, the technique works for everything and is universal. That's great news but just the same I would love an ACT book looking specifically at low self esteeem. > > I hope someone has such a book in the pipeline, or is thinking about writing one. > > I have a couple of low self esteem books here and sometime soon I shall post a low self esteem quaestionare and discuss some of the symptoms. I I have come to believe that low self esteem is the cause of most pychological distress. > > Thanks, > > Kaivey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2010 Report Share Posted April 17, 2010 Hi Russ (or anyone?)perhaps you could expand on this a little for me? You write: we are not our self-descriptions or self-evaluations. OK, I get that from the point of view of looking at language and not buying into thoughts, self descriptions etc. However, what I believe about my self is manifested in my behaviour, whether I verbalise it or not. For instance, sometimes when I reflect how I have behaved in a certain situation it's clear that my underlying beliefs in myself have largely determined how I've behaved, even though at the time I was not consciously aware of thoughts like "I'm unworthy" people won't like me" I'll be rejected" etc etc. These beliefs seem so deep seated that they don't need to be consciously "thought of" to affect how I interact with people/ situations. So let's say I would really like NOT to be so at the mercy of these underlying beliefs? How does one approach this? I have tried stepping back a little, pausing before I respond to people etc, that has some success, but it makes one extremely self conscious, and takes away the ability to be spontaneous and in the moment, and not really conducive to relaxed relating! Is it possible to ever change deeply conditioned beliefs and their concomitant behaviours?CheersKateHi Kaivey,The most popular notion of self-esteem is actually somewhat problematic, from an ACT perspective. While there are different ideas of what self-esteem is, by far the most common concept of self-esteem involves fusion with a conceptualised self. Thus ‘low self-esteem’ is fusion with a negative conceptualised self (eg I am a loser) and high self-esteem is fusion with a positive conceptualised self (eg I am lovable). Most popular approaches to developing high self-esteem place a major emphasis on positive self-affirmations: thinking positively about who you are, evaluating yourself positively, and then believing those thoughts as much as possible. In other words, they want you to fuse with positive self-descriptions and self-evaluations.In contrast, ACT sees fusion with a conceptualised self as problematic, regardless of whether it is positive or negative; we are not our self-descriptions or self-evaluations.So ACT is all in favour of self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-nurture, self-support, and self-development – but ACT contradicts major elements of most popular models of self-esteem.(NB: there are a tiny number of models of self-esteem out there which would be ACT consistent – but they are a tiny minority amongst all the different models of self-esteem currently in existence, and they focus on self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-nurture, self-support, and self-development as opposed to encouraging fusion with a positive conceptualised self. It would be better if such models did not actually use the term ‘self-esteem’, as it can be a bit confusing. Thus I don’t think you’ll find an ACT book on self-esteem any time soon; but maybe there might be one called ‘Beyond Self-Esteem) All the best,Cheers,Russ www.actmadesimple.comwww.act-with-love.comwww.thehappinesstrap.comwww.actmindfully.com.au From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of vcferraraSent: Saturday, 17 April 2010 8:02 AMTo: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Re: Self Esteem Cherry Huber would tell you to accept it, and see what happensWhat is self-esteem anyways...its just a collection of thoughts about yourself that you are believing...its not concrete Thoughts aren't the problem...its believing themHave you read any of Bryon 's work?www.thework.com--- In ACT_for_the_Public , "Kaivey" wrote:>> I have come to the conclusion that all my life I have suffered from a serious low self esteem problem which has caused all my suffering. I don't believe there is anything wrong with my biology/ genes etc. There has also been times when even ACT has caused me to feel bad, but it's problably because I'm not doing ACT properly. A For instance, I'm not very good at the self compassion part of ACT. But when I fail to live up to my values, or go forward with my hands and feet, I can feel a failure, shame, and even more inadequate. > > say's there is no need to right a book for any specific condition because the process of ACT is the same for all distress. Like Buddhism, the technique works for everything and is universal. That's great news but just the same I would love an ACT book looking specifically at low self esteeem.> > I hope someone has such a book in the pipeline, or is thinking about writing one. > > I have a couple of low self esteem books here and sometime soon I shall post a low self esteem quaestionare and discuss some of the symptoms. I I have come to believe that low self esteem is the cause of most pychological distress. > > Thanks,> > Kaivey> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2010 Report Share Posted April 17, 2010 Q- Is it possible to ever change deeply conditioned beliefs and their concomitant behaviours? A- Yes it is, my breakthrough came when I managed to equate what my psychologist was describing as feelings of doubt with what I now see as a deep seated pessimism. I could not believe that things would not always turn out badly, after all this was me and I felt inadequate and useless therefore, obviously, things would turn out badly. Now the same feelings come up but I can see them as fleeting feelings not deeply conditioned beliefs. I can choose to be optimistic even when things look bad and appear to be getting worse. I can hardly believe this is me sometimes, but change can occur, and you can change the most deeply conditioned beliefs. My own opinion is that I could not have done it unaided, I needed someone to pose the questions, especially the hard ones. Please believe that things can improve, now I can spontaneously make a complete fool of myself but it does not matter, I forgive myself and 99% of people happily do the same. Keep on keeping on it will turn out OK From: kate Sent: Saturday, April 17, 2010 4:30 PM To: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Re: Re: Self Esteem Hi Russ (or anyone?) perhaps you could expand on this a little for me? You write: we are not our self-descriptions or self-evaluations. OK, I get that from the point of view of looking at language and not buying into thoughts, self descriptions etc. However, what I believe about my self is manifested in my behaviour, whether I verbalise it or not. For instance, sometimes when I reflect how I have behaved in a certain situation it's clear that my underlying beliefs in myself have largely determined how I've behaved, even though at the time I was not consciously aware of thoughts like "I'm unworthy" people won't like me" I'll be rejected" etc etc. These beliefs seem so deep seated that they don't need to be consciously "thought of" to affect how I interact with people/ situations. So let's say I would really like NOT to be so at the mercy of these underlying beliefs? How does one approach this? I have tried stepping back a little, pausing before I respond to people etc, that has some success, but it makes one extremely self conscious, and takes away the ability to be spontaneous and in the moment, and not really conducive to relaxed relating! Is it possible to ever change deeply conditioned beliefs and their concomitant behaviours? Cheers Kate Hi Kaivey, The most popular notion of self-esteem is actually somewhat problematic, from an ACT perspective. While there are different ideas of what self-esteem is, by far the most common concept of self-esteem involves fusion with a conceptualised self. Thus ‘low self-esteem’ is fusion with a negative conceptualised self (eg I am a loser) and high self-esteem is fusion with a positive conceptualised self (eg I am lovable). Most popular approaches to developing high self-esteem place a major emphasis on positive self-affirmations: thinking positively about who you are, evaluating yourself positively, and then believing those thoughts as much as possible. In other words, they want you to fuse with positive self-descriptions and self-evaluations. In contrast, ACT sees fusion with a conceptualised self as problematic, regardless of whether it is positive or negative; we are not our self-descriptions or self-evaluations. So ACT is all in favour of self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-nurture, self-support, and self-development – but ACT contradicts major elements of most popular models of self-esteem. (NB: there are a tiny number of models of self-esteem out there which would be ACT consistent – but they are a tiny minority amongst all the different models of self-esteem currently in existence, and they focus on self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-nurture, self-support, and self-development as opposed to encouraging fusion with a positive conceptualised self. It would be better if such models did not actually use the term ‘self-esteem’, as it can be a bit confusing. Thus I don’t think you’ll find an ACT book on self-esteem any time soon; but maybe there might be one called ‘Beyond Self-Esteem) All the best, Cheers, Russ www.actmadesimple.com www.act-with-love.com www.thehappinesstrap.com www.actmindfully.com.au From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of vcferraraSent: Saturday, 17 April 2010 8:02 AMTo: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Re: Self Esteem Cherry Huber would tell you to accept it, and see what happensWhat is self-esteem anyways...its just a collection of thoughts about yourself that you are believing...its not concrete Thoughts aren't the problem...its believing themHave you read any of Bryon 's work?www.thework.com--- In ACT_for_the_Public , "Kaivey" wrote:>> I have come to the conclusion that all my life I have suffered from a serious low self esteem problem which has caused all my suffering. I don't believe there is anything wrong with my biology/ genes etc. There has also been times when even ACT has caused me to feel bad, but it's problably because I'm not doing ACT properly. A For instance, I'm not very good at the self compassion part of ACT. But when I fail to live up to my values, or go forward with my hands and feet, I can feel a failure, shame, and even more inadequate. > > say's there is no need to right a book for any specific condition because the process of ACT is the same for all distress. Like Buddhism, the technique works for everything and is universal. That's great news but just the same I would love an ACT book looking specifically at low self esteeem.> > I hope someone has such a book in the pipeline, or is thinking about writing one. > > I have a couple of low self esteem books here and sometime soon I shall post a low self esteem quaestionare and discuss some of the symptoms. I I have come to believe that low self esteem is the cause of most pychological distress. > > Thanks,> > Kaivey> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2010 Report Share Posted April 17, 2010 Hi Kate, Great questions. You said: I would really like NOT to be so at the mercy of these underlying beliefs The ACT solution would be to act mindfully on your values. It sounds like you value engaging and connecting with people, and being more spontaneous in those situations. If so, then when socialising, make room for the anxiety/fear that arises within you, and engage mindfully in the social interaction: pay attention to the person you are talking to; notice their body lanaguage and their facial expressions and what they are saying; put all your focus into the here-and-now of the social interaction rather than focusing on yourself. If you start getting caught up in thoughts about what you are going to say next, or how you are coming across, or what the other person thinks of you (or even, how to be more spontaneous), then this will interfere with your ability to enage fully in the situation and respond spontaneously. Thus you’ll need to unhook yourself from those thoughts, and refocus on the conversation – again and again and again. Any mindfulness exercise can help you develop this ability. In mindful breathing, you keep on unhooking from your thoughts and returning your attention to the breath; in mindful socialising, you keep on unhooking from your thoughts and returning your attention to the person you are talking to. And any acceptance practice can help you with the anxiety/fear that will naturally show up in those situations; the trick is to let your anxiety be present, and instead of struggling with it or focusing on it, you put your energy and attention into the social interaction. You asked: Is it possible to ever change deeply conditioned beliefs and their concomitant behaviours? The ACT stance would be it’s much easier to change the behaviours first, so let’s start there. It could take you many years or decades to change deeply conditioned beliefs, and you may never change them at all. The fact is, there is not one single empirically-supported model in the whole of psychology that has been shown to eliminate negative core beliefs. There are many models that help you to change your relationship with these beliefs, so that they have less impact and influence over you – as ACT does through defusion and acceptance -- but not one model that has been scientifically proven to eliminate them. The great news is, you can change the concomitant behaviours right now. Thus, if you want ‘worthiness’ to be manifested in your behaviour, you don’t have to eliminate the belief ‘I am unworthy’ (whether that beleif is conscious or not). The ACT approach would be to mindfully act on your values around looking after and taking care of yourself, being compassionate to yourself, and being assertive. And ACT would start from the assumption that you could start acting on these values right now. (Whereas many popular self-esteem approaches would have you start off by trying to program yourself with beliefs such as ‘I am worthy’ – on the assumption that such beliefs are necessary before you can start acting on the values I mentioned above.) Hope this clarifies things, Cheers, Russ www.actmadesimple.com www.act-with-love.com www.thehappinesstrap.com www.actmindfully.com.au From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of kate Sent: Saturday, 17 April 2010 2:30 PM To: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Re: Re: Self Esteem Hi Russ (or anyone?) perhaps you could expand on this a little for me? You write: we are not our self-descriptions or self-evaluations. OK, I get that from the point of view of looking at language and not buying into thoughts, self descriptions etc. However, what I believe about my self is manifested in my behaviour, whether I verbalise it or not. For instance, sometimes when I reflect how I have behaved in a certain situation it's clear that my underlying beliefs in myself have largely determined how I've behaved, even though at the time I was not consciously aware of thoughts like " I'm unworthy " people won't like me " I'll be rejected " etc etc. These beliefs seem so deep seated that they don't need to be consciously " thought of " to affect how I interact with people/ situations. So let's say I would really like NOT to be so at the mercy of these underlying beliefs? How does one approach this? I have tried stepping back a little, pausing before I respond to people etc, that has some success, but it makes one extremely self conscious, and takes away the ability to be spontaneous and in the moment, and not really conducive to relaxed relating! Is it possible to ever change deeply conditioned beliefs and their concomitant behaviours? Cheers Kate Hi Kaivey, The most popular notion of self-esteem is actually somewhat problematic, from an ACT perspective. While there are different ideas of what self-esteem is, by far the most common concept of self-esteem involves fusion with a conceptualised self. Thus ‘low self-esteem’ is fusion with a negative conceptualised self (eg I am a loser) and high self-esteem is fusion with a positive conceptualised self (eg I am lovable). Most popular approaches to developing high self-esteem place a major emphasis on positive self-affirmations: thinking positively about who you are, evaluating yourself positively, and then believing those thoughts as much as possible. In other words, they want you to fuse with positive self-descriptions and self-evaluations. In contrast, ACT sees fusion with a conceptualised self as problematic, regardless of whether it is positive or negative; we are not our self-descriptions or self-evaluations. So ACT is all in favour of self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-nurture, self-support, and self-development – but ACT contradicts major elements of most popular models of self-esteem. (NB: there are a tiny number of models of self-esteem out there which would be ACT consistent – but they are a tiny minority amongst all the different models of self-esteem currently in existence, and they focus on self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-nurture, self-support, and self-development as opposed to encouraging fusion with a positive conceptualised self. It would be better if such models did not actually use the term ‘self-esteem’, as it can be a bit confusing. Thus I don’t think you’ll find an ACT book on self-esteem any time soon; but maybe there might be one called ‘Beyond Self-Esteem) All the best, Cheers, Russ www.actmadesimple.com www.act-with-love.com www.thehappinesstrap.com www.actmindfully.com.au From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of vcferrara Sent: Saturday, 17 April 2010 8:02 AM To: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Re: Self Esteem Cherry Huber would tell you to accept it, and see what happens What is self-esteem anyways...its just a collection of thoughts about yourself that you are believing...its not concrete Thoughts aren't the problem...its believing them Have you read any of Bryon 's work? www.thework.com > > I have come to the conclusion that all my life I have suffered from a serious low self esteem problem which has caused all my suffering. I don't believe there is anything wrong with my biology/ genes etc. There has also been times when even ACT has caused me to feel bad, but it's problably because I'm not doing ACT properly. A For instance, I'm not very good at the self compassion part of ACT. But when I fail to live up to my values, or go forward with my hands and feet, I can feel a failure, shame, and even more inadequate. > > say's there is no need to right a book for any specific condition because the process of ACT is the same for all distress. Like Buddhism, the technique works for everything and is universal. That's great news but just the same I would love an ACT book looking specifically at low self esteeem. > > I hope someone has such a book in the pipeline, or is thinking about writing one. > > I have a couple of low self esteem books here and sometime soon I shall post a low self esteem quaestionare and discuss some of the symptoms. I I have come to believe that low self esteem is the cause of most pychological distress. > > Thanks, > > Kaivey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2010 Report Share Posted April 17, 2010 Thanks Russ - lots of food for thought there!Just addressing your first paragraph, my "problem" is not so much feeling anxious or self-conscious during social interaction (I am a teacher, so I don't feel nervous talking with people or in front of people), it's more a case of, for example:I often tend to get excited and animated, when I'm around others -(hmm, I can hear people saying -what's wrong with that?), The problem with that is I tend to "rabbit on", or even get a bit brash and loud mouthed. But...... I often look back and see that so much of my behaviour was motivated by trying a bit " too hard" to come across as witty, smart, the one who "knows stuff" etc etc. That's what I mean about not wanting to lose "spontaneity", but not liking that my behaviour is actually based so much on these underlying cravings for acceptance and "proving" myself. (I actually put it down to having been the youngest child and constantly having to strive to have people a) listen to me and take me seriously!) It's so "bad" sometimes that I've actually "sworn myself" to keeping my mouth shut at social occasions, because I don't want to exhibit these "spontaneous" behaviours - and that's no recipe for having a good time aarrggh - seems like there's no way out ! LOL. And I know that, ultimately, the reason I don't want to exhibit these behaviours is that I feel that they are unacceptable, unlikeable, and that people will therefore reject me; so in the end it comes back around to the same underlying insecurities! Kate Hi Kate,Great questions.You said: I would really like NOT to be so at the mercy of these underlying beliefs The ACT solution would be to act mindfully on your values. It sounds like you value engaging and connecting with people, and being more spontaneous in those situations. If so, then when socialising, make room for the anxiety/fear that arises within you, and engage mindfully in the social interaction: pay attention to the person you are talking to; notice their body lanaguage and their facial expressions and what they are saying; put all your focus into the here-and-now of the social interaction rather than focusing on yourself. If you start getting caught up in thoughts about what you are going to say next, or how you are coming across, or what the other person thinks of you (or even, how to be more spontaneous), then this will interfere with your ability to enage fully in the situation and respond spontaneously. Thus you’ll need to unhook yourself from those thoughts, and refocus on the conversation – again and again and again. Any mindfulness exercise can help you develop this ability. In mindful breathing, you keep on unhooking from your thoughts and returning your attention to the breath; in mindful socialising, you keep on unhooking from your thoughts and returning your attention to the person you are talking to. And any acceptance practice can help you with the anxiety/fear that will naturally show up in those situations; the trick is to let your anxiety be present, and instead of struggling with it or focusing on it, you put your energy and attention into the social interaction. You asked: Is it possible to ever change deeply conditioned beliefs and their concomitant behaviours?The ACT stance would be it’s much easier to change the behaviours first, so let’s start there. It could take you many years or decades to change deeply conditioned beliefs, and you may never change them at all. The fact is, there is not one single empirically-supported model in the whole of psychology that has been shown to eliminate negative core beliefs. There are many models that help you to change your relationship with these beliefs, so that they have less impact and influence over you – as ACT does through defusion and acceptance -- but not one model that has been scientifically proven to eliminate them. The great news is, you can change the concomitant behaviours right now.Thus, if you want ‘worthiness’ to be manifested in your behaviour, you don’t have to eliminate the belief ‘I am unworthy’ (whether that beleif is conscious or not). The ACT approach would be to mindfully act on your values around looking after and taking care of yourself, being compassionate to yourself, and being assertive. And ACT would start from the assumption that you could start acting on these values right now. (Whereas many popular self-esteem approaches would have you start off by trying to program yourself with beliefs such as ‘I am worthy’ – on the assumption that such beliefs are necessary before you can start acting on the values I mentioned above.)Hope this clarifies things,Cheers,Russ www.actmadesimple.comwww.act-with-love.comwww.thehappinesstrap.comwww.actmindfully.com.au From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of kateSent: Saturday, 17 April 2010 2:30 PMTo: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Re: Re: Self Esteem Hi Russ (or anyone?) perhaps you could expand on this a little for me? You write: we are not our self-descriptions or self-evaluations. OK, I get that from the point of view of looking at language and not buying into thoughts, self descriptions etc. However, what I believe about my self is manifested in my behaviour, whether I verbalise it or not. For instance, sometimes when I reflect how I have behaved in a certain situation it's clear that my underlying beliefs in myself have largely determined how I've behaved, even though at the time I was not consciously aware of thoughts like "I'm unworthy" people won't like me" I'll be rejected" etc etc. These beliefs seem so deep seated that they don't need to be consciously "thought of" to affect how I interact with people/ situations. So let's say I would really like NOT to be so at the mercy of these underlying beliefs? How does one approach this? I have tried stepping back a little, pausing before I respond to people etc, that has some success, but it makes one extremely self conscious, and takes away the ability to be spontaneous and in the moment, and not really conducive to relaxed relating! Is it possible to ever change deeply conditioned beliefs and their concomitant behaviours? Cheers Kate Hi Kaivey,The most popular notion of self-esteem is actually somewhat problematic, from an ACT perspective. While there are different ideas of what self-esteem is, by far the most common concept of self-esteem involves fusion with a conceptualised self. Thus ‘low self-esteem’ is fusion with a negative conceptualised self (eg I am a loser) and high self-esteem is fusion with a positive conceptualised self (eg I am lovable). Most popular approaches to developing high self-esteem place a major emphasis on positive self-affirmations: thinking positively about who you are, evaluating yourself positively, and then believing those thoughts as much as possible. In other words, they want you to fuse with positive self-descriptions and self-evaluations.In contrast, ACT sees fusion with a conceptualised self as problematic, regardless of whether it is positive or negative; we are not our self-descriptions or self-evaluations.So ACT is all in favour of self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-nurture, self-support, and self-development – but ACT contradicts major elements of most popular models of self-esteem.(NB: there are a tiny number of models of self-esteem out there which would be ACT consistent – but they are a tiny minority amongst all the different models of self-esteem currently in existence, and they focus on self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-nurture, self-support, and self-development as opposed to encouraging fusion with a positive conceptualised self. It would be better if such models did not actually use the term ‘self-esteem’, as it can be a bit confusing. Thus I don’t think you’ll find an ACT book on self-esteem any time soon; but maybe there might be one called ‘Beyond Self-Esteem) All the best,Cheers,Russ www.actmadesimple.comwww.act-with-love.comwww.thehappinesstrap.comwww.actmindfully.com.au From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of vcferraraSent: Saturday, 17 April 2010 8:02 AMTo: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Re: Self Esteem Cherry Huber would tell you to accept it, and see what happensWhat is self-esteem anyways...its just a collection of thoughts about yourself that you are believing...its not concrete Thoughts aren't the problem...its believing themHave you read any of Bryon 's work?www.thework.com--- In ACT_for_the_Public , "Kaivey" wrote:>> I have come to the conclusion that all my life I have suffered from a serious low self esteem problem which has caused all my suffering. I don't believe there is anything wrong with my biology/ genes etc. There has also been times when even ACT has caused me to feel bad, but it's problably because I'm not doing ACT properly. A For instance, I'm not very good at the self compassion part of ACT. But when I fail to live up to my values, or go forward with my hands and feet, I can feel a failure, shame, and even more inadequate. > > say's there is no need to right a book for any specific condition because the process of ACT is the same for all distress. Like Buddhism, the technique works for everything and is universal. That's great news but just the same I would love an ACT book looking specifically at low self esteeem.> > I hope someone has such a book in the pipeline, or is thinking about writing one. > > I have a couple of low self esteem books here and sometime soon I shall post a low self esteem quaestionare and discuss some of the symptoms. I I have come to believe that low self esteem is the cause of most pychological distress. > > Thanks,> > Kaivey> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 18, 2010 Report Share Posted April 18, 2010 Hi Kaivey,The most popular notion of self-esteem is actually somewhat problematic, from an ACT perspective. While there are different ideas of what self-esteem is, by far the most common concept of self-esteem involves fusion with a conceptualised self. Thus ‘low self-esteem’ is fusion with a negative conceptualised self (eg I am a loser) and high self-esteem is fusion with a positive conceptualised self (eg I am lovable). Most popular approaches to developing high self-esteem place a major emphasis on positive self-affirmations: thinking positively about who you are, evaluating yourself positively, and then believing those thoughts as much as possible. In other words, they want you to fuse with positive self-descriptions and self-evaluations.In contrast, ACT sees fusion with a conceptualised self as problematic, regardless of whether it is positive or negative; we are not our self-descriptions or self-evaluations.So ACT is all in favour of self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-nurture, self-support, and self-development – but ACT contradicts major elements of most popular models of self-esteem.(NB: there are a tiny number of models of self-esteem out there which would be ACT consistent – but they are a tiny minority amongst all the different models of self-esteem currently in existence, and they focus on self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-nurture, self-support, and self-development as opposed to encouraging fusion with a positive conceptualised self. It would be better if such models did not actually use the term ‘self-esteem’, as it can be a bit confusing. Thus I don’t think you’ll find an ACT book on self-esteem any time soon; but maybe there might be one called ‘Beyond Self-Esteem) All the best,Cheers,Russ www.actmadesimple. comwww.act-with- love.comwww.thehappinesstra p.comwww.actmindfully. com.au From: ACT_for_the_ Public@yahoogrou ps.com [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of vcferraraSent: Saturday, 17 April 2010 8:02 AMTo: ACT_for_the_ Public@yahoogrou ps.comSubject: [ACT_for_the_ Public] Re: Self Esteem Cherry Huber would tell you to accept it, and see what happensWhat is self-esteem anyways...its just a collection of thoughts about yourself that you are believing... its not concrete Thoughts aren't the problem...its believing themHave you read any of Bryon 's work?www.thework. com>> I have come to the conclusion that all my life I have suffered from a serious low self esteem problem which has caused all my suffering. I don't believe there is anything wrong with my biology/ genes etc. There has also been times when even ACT has caused me to feel bad, but it's problably because I'm not doing ACT properly. A For instance, I'm not very good at the self compassion part of ACT. But when I fail to live up to my values, or go forward with my hands and feet, I can feel a failure, shame, and even more inadequate. > > say's there is no need to right a book for any specific condition because the process of ACT is the same for all distress. Like Buddhism, the technique works for everything and is universal. That's great news but just the same I would love an ACT book looking specifically at low self esteeem.> > I hope someone has such a book in the pipeline, or is thinking about writing one. > > I have a couple of low self esteem books here and sometime soon I shall post a low self esteem quaestionare and discuss some of the symptoms. I I have come to believe that low self esteem is the cause of most pychological distress. > > Thanks,> > Kaivey> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2010 Report Share Posted April 19, 2010 Thanks S You make some good points and have given me much to ponder. Self acceptance is a good place to start! As you say we are not all the same and diversity is a good thing.To answer your question, yes I suppose I have been rejected, or certainly had people not "warm" to me. However, I do seem to assume that people won't like me before they've even met me, so that obviously doesn't help! LOL! I'm probably not able to discern these things very objectively!My mother was (is) a loud, pushy and bossy person who seems to have little or no sensitivity to the feelings of those around her. So many times as I was growing up, and as an adult, I've been witness to her behaviour and the reactions of others to that behaviour, which has caused me much embarrassment and shame. So i've been overly sensitive to that sort of thing and probably unnecessarily at times.KateHi Kate,Have you actually been rejected or are you just worrying about being rejected? If you can only have a good time by behaving this way it sounds as though if you value having a good time then you will have to behave this way!! I bet there are some more flexible ways of looking at it though? Maybe different people enjoy different behaviours in different people and so attempting to feel appreciated by everyone is just a lost cause anyway? I have social anxiety and tend to be quiet at social events. Yesterday I was at a concert followed by tea and coffee and socialising (Aargh!). I stood at the edge wondering whether people would find my behavior pathetic or stand-offish. Evaluating myself while others were apparently just getting on and having a fun time didn't help my anxiety of course. But in reality I guess everyone was too busy to notice me. I do best when I remember anxiety is something we all share as humans. In fact hearing that someone worries about being too animated at social events strikes me as quite ironic. I was a teacher by the way. No problem in the classroom with social anxiety but massive problems with small talk at social events where I'd rather crawl into a hole. So we all share some things, eg tendency to evaluate ourselves sometimes excessively harshly, but we also have our individual differences. I think those can be what makes life interesting for others who may appreciate others' individuality like yours!! I have to work hard at thinking more flexibly about myself though but I am what I am and you are what you are and diversity rules OK. S. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2010 Report Share Posted April 19, 2010 Thanks RandyWhat you write is very clear and a useful example for me, of the application of ACT principles to a real life situation! I do tend to see things in black and white, all or nothing sometimes. It's been so helpful to have other peoples' views, it really does help to have someone from "outside" give their viewpoint. I'd sort of forgotten about even the possibility of learning new skills, just saw myself in a life sentence, doomed to repeat ad nauseum the same old reactive behaviours caused by these subterranean influences. OK, so I will ponder on the possibility of this old dog learning some new tricks.CheersKateKate wrote, > It's so "bad" sometimes that I've actually "sworn myself" to> keeping my mouth shut at social occasions, because I don't> want to exhibit these "spontaneous" behaviours - and that's no> recipe for having a good time aarrggh - seems like there's no> way out!Hi Kate, If you don't mind my butting in ... I would like to add that what Russ suggests about being present in a social situationcan indeed give us a "way out" - through our ability to learn. Such learning is not guaranteed to be pain-free. We may make thevery mistakes that we fear most. Yet we will be learning, and atthe same time doing what we value. We will no longer be livinginside our trap as if it were the world.So let us say your value is something like "having fun, meaningful,and engaging conversations at social gatherings." Imagine that youhave these choices:1) Stay away from social events so you won't be rejected.2) Attend a social event and keep your mouth shut so you won't berejected.3) Attend a social event, say something brash that leads tothoughts or feelings of embarrassment, and do whatever thesethoughts and feelings tell you to do (e.g. shut up, talk evenlouder, etc.).4) Attend a social event, say something brash that leads tothoughts or feelings of embarrassment, and stay present with boththese thoughts and feelings AND what is happening around you - whatsomeone says in response, a cool draft of air for a moment, thefunny look on someone's face as they taste a cracker, etc.Which choice might best allow you to learn new skills whilealso living your value? --Randy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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