Re: : communication with the Aspie

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Yes you brought up some very familiar aspects of Aspie behavior in

your posting.  

My assumption is that when he told you to ‘say his name or he

may not hear it’, he was indicating that he may well otherwise miss the first

half or portion of what you are saying.     In my experience, the Aspie needs

to have his attention drawn to the other person as the very first part of a

communication.   There can be a genuine delay in his inner response.   As I’ve

tried to describe it before,…  the partner starts a sentence, then the AS one

half way through, registers that someone is speaking to him.     He takes those

seconds or part seconds to recognize the fact.   Then there is another delay

while he switches his eyes or his attention from his book or his ‘brown study’

to the NT partner.  Then he has to try and pick up just what is being talked

about, along with the understanding that the comments actually require an

answer or acknowledgement.  

Now after maybe a lifetime of struggling to come to terms with

the issues that the folks round him take so seriously, he has to force himself

to recognize the problem or the issue and then work out the appropriate

answer.  Now if by any chance he either has no interest in the topic

(conceiving it as being of significance to the other party only, and being

outside his own area of expertise or interest) then he will feel irritated or

even confused; and he may either try to deflect the issue, or maybe give a

political type answer designed purely to placate the other.  

A major problem in it all, is that having gone through so many

delays (even each in a mini-second perhaps) he may well have missed the sense

of the first half or more of the statement or question or request.    Thus he

is either struggling to understand what has been said, or else he has missed

maybe the most important opening part of the communication.  This is probably

what he means by ‘not hearing you’.   Heaven knows I’ve gone through this

innumerable times with my partners, and have begged them over and over to speak

my name first in order to draw my FULL attention and so that I don’t miss the

crucial opening of the sentence.  It helps in the process too of course if the

speaker does everything to grab the visual attention of the Aspie by

positioning in front of him.    Speaking to him from behind or from another

room may only serve to let him think that you are talking to someone else, or even

to yourself.   ]

This delay and extreme difficulty in switching attention is very

common among Aspies.   We really do lose ourselves in our concentration, and it

is often one of the factors that limits intimacy with our partners.  Our own inner

life is our primary concern so very often, due to an inherent self-centredness.

The other thing you mentioned there is the covering up of the

face with a pillow or whatever in order to prepare to listen and talk.   This

might appear to represent a contradiction to what I just described.   But this

is not the case.   Once the attention is gained by name pronouncing or eye

contact, then the next problem can be that the sight of the partner talking

about intimate or serious things is problematic and may need to be obliterated

while the talk goes on.

One of our common problems as Aspies, is that human contact is inherently

difficult.    Where the NT individual wants to draw in intuitive information

from the other’s body language or fluctuating facial expressions, the Aspie

finds them to be either confusing or totally distracting.   For him, the words

by themselves will be of far more importance than the person speaking along

with his or her emotions and motivations.    This is why quite frequently when

two Aspies or Autistics are partnered, they find it easiest and most efficient

on delicate or disputed issues to email each other about the issue.  Many have

their own separate computers in different rooms for this purpose.

I recall in my long gone married days, if my wife wished or

needed to talk about something intimate or serious, I could not sit with her

and hold her hand as we talked, - or for that matter be close up touching while

in bed.   The closeness of the other virtually ‘jammed’ my brain and thinking

processes.  I needed complete isolation from her at those times so I could

think clearly.   Unfortunately the subsequent talking I would do would turn out

a bit like a non-intimate lecturing or analysis.

Hope some of these thoughts may be of use to you,

Cheers,  Ron  (74 yr old Australian Aspie)

Aspie

Isolation

, thank you.

This makes sense to me. He would comment about small talk, he didn't

like it. And unfortunately for quite some time, due to the illness I

had at the time, I had not much in my life but that and small talk, which

made it rough on me and he must have really not liked it. He did do

better with most conversation in person, but only if the TV were off and

there were no other distractions. And he told me I would have to say his name

or he may not hear me. Sometimes, if the conversation was about

something serious, such as money, or marriage he would cover his face with a

pillow or blanket and then say, ok, we can talk now. If I asked him how

work was, I never got much of an answer, so your response makes sense

here. He is intelligent and he does know a lot of information.

With his family, if I do choose to discuss this with them, I know they use

the computer a lot and if I can point them in the right direction so they

don't have to search through so much material, they can decide for

themselves. Maybe that would be more helpful than anything. I'll

have to think about that.

Thanks for the information again.

..

[Guest guest]

Hello Ron,I read your response about 3 times and thought to myself, YES! This is some of the information I needed to know. I did learn to say his name, and he also said to make sure he was looking at me when I started talking, (unless it was one of the times he couldn't look at me), and that cleared up a lot with that communication issue. If I didn't do those things, he would tell me to start over, and I would go back to the very beginning of the conversation and start over. I had been so perplexed before when I would start talking, he would be the only one in the room, and he would halfway into it ask it I was talking to him. So now I know. I wasn't someone who typically talked to myself as some people do. This is one issue where more understanding on my part could have gone a long way in helping out

relationship. It wasn't hard to get into the habit of saying his name and it made things so much easier, now I know why. I really didn't mind adapting to a lot of those kind of things, but I had to know WHAT to do in order to do that and unfortunately I'm finding out too late in the game, but it helps me to heal. One other thing I did do that you mentioned is communicating by written word. I also learned that if I wanted him to stop at the store or do something for me on his way home from work, if I wrote a note and placed it on a stool right in front of the stairs so when he left in the morning he'd have to move it out of the way and would see the note, he would remember to do whatever I had asked. If I asked him verbally he would usually forget. So at least I did one thing right! I know he wasn't forgetful, so it was probably that I hadn't said his name or he wasn't looking at me and missed it. But the

note in front of the door did it every time. You probably read in my other posts, with that illness and long recovery I had to stay with family for care for quite some time. He came here for a visit (or so I thought) a couple weeks before Christmas (he didn't like to be here for the holiday itself, I understand that now too), and the whole time he was uncomfortable. He would pace, back and forth, was very restless. In fact it made me nervous. I didn't know what was bothering him and he wouldn't say. About a month later he called on the phone and blurted out in the first sentence right after I said hello, that "it's time we get divorced". Talk about a shocking moment for me! I knew things weren't going well, but still, that would catch anyone off guard. He later told me he had come here before Christmas to tell me then, but when he saw me, key word being saw, he couldn't do it. I think

you cleared some of my questions up as far as that is concerned too. I could comment a lot more on what you said, it's been very very helpful, but it's late here in the states. By the way, I think Australia is a beautiful country. I hope that someday I have the opportunity to travel there.Subject: RE: : communication with the AspieTo: aspires-relationships Date: Sunday, December 6, 2009, 1:23 AM

Hi , Yes you brought up some very familiar aspects of Aspie behavior in

your posting. My assumption is that when he told you to ‘say his name or he

may not hear it’, he was indicating that he may well otherwise miss the first

half or portion of what you are saying. In my experience, the Aspie needs

to have his attention drawn to the other person as the very first part of a

communication. There can be a genuine delay in his inner response. As I’ve

tried to describe it before,… the partner starts a sentence, then the AS one

half way through, registers that someone is speaking to him. He takes those

seconds or part seconds to recognize the fact. Then there is another delay

while he switches his eyes or his attention from his book or his ‘brown study’

to the NT partner. Then he has to try and pick up just what is being talked

about, along with the understanding that the comments actually require an

answer or acknowledgement. Now after maybe a lifetime of struggling to come to terms with

the issues that the folks round him take so seriously, he has to force himself

to recognize the problem or the issue and then work out the appropriate

answer. Now if by any chance he either has no interest in the topic

(conceiving it as being of significance to the other party only, and being

outside his own area of expertise or interest) then he will feel irritated or

even confused; and he may either try to deflect the issue, or maybe give a

political type answer designed purely to placate the other. A major problem in it all, is that having gone through so many

delays (even each in a mini-second perhaps) he may well have missed the sense

of the first half or more of the statement or question or request. Thus he

is either struggling to understand what has been said, or else he has missed

maybe the most important opening part of the communication. This is probably

what he means by ‘not hearing you’. Heaven knows I’ve gone through this

innumerable times with my partners, and have begged them over and over to speak

my name first in order to draw my FULL attention and so that I don’t miss the

crucial opening of the sentence. It helps in the process too of course if the

speaker does everything to grab the visual attention of the Aspie by

positioning in front of him. Speaking to him from behind or from another

room may only serve to let him think that you are talking to someone else, or even

to yourself. ] This delay and extreme difficulty in switching attention is very

common among Aspies. We really do lose ourselves in our concentration, and it

is often one of the factors that limits intimacy with our partners. Our own inner

life is our primary concern so very often, due to an inherent self-centredness. The other thing you mentioned there is the covering up of the

face with a pillow or whatever in order to prepare to listen and talk. This

might appear to represent a contradiction to what I just described. But this

is not the case. Once the attention is gained by name pronouncing or eye

contact, then the next problem can be that the sight of the partner talking

about intimate or serious things is problematic and may need to be obliterated

while the talk goes on. One of our common problems as Aspies, is that human contact is inherently

difficult. Where the NT individual wants to draw in intuitive information

from the other’s body language or fluctuating facial expressions, the Aspie

finds them to be either confusing or totally distracting. For him, the words

by themselves will be of far more importance than the person speaking along

with his or her emotions and motivations. This is why quite frequently when

two Aspies or Autistics are partnered, they find it easiest and most efficient

on delicate or disputed issues to email each other about the issue. Many have

their own separate computers in different rooms for this purpose. I recall in my long gone married days, if my wife wished or

needed to talk about something intimate or serious, I could not sit with her

and hold her hand as we talked, - or for that matter be close up touching while

in bed. The closeness of the other virtually ‘jammed’ my brain and thinking

processes. I needed complete isolation from her at those times so I could

think clearly. Unfortunately the subsequent talking I would do would turn out

a bit like a non-intimate lecturing or analysis. Hope some of these thoughts may be of use to you, Cheers, Ron (74 yr old Australian Aspie) Aspie

Isolation

, thank you.

This makes sense to me. He would comment about small talk, he didn't

like it. And unfortunately for quite some time, due to the illness I

had at the time, I had not much in my life but that and small talk, which

made it rough on me and he must have really not liked it. He did do

better with most conversation in person, but only if the TV were off and

there were no other distractions. And he told me I would have to say his name

or he may not hear me. Sometimes, if the conversation was about

something serious, such as money, or marriage he would cover his face with a

pillow or blanket and then say, ok, we can talk now. If I asked him how

work was, I never got much of an answer, so your response makes sense

here. He is intelligent and he does know a lot of information.

With his family, if I do choose to discuss this with them, I know they use

the computer a lot and if I can point them in the right direction so they

don't have to search through so much material, they can decide for

themselves. Maybe that would be more helpful than anything. I'll

have to think about that.

Thanks for the information again.

..

[Guest guest]

AHA!!!!!! So this is why our best conversations occur when we are lying next

to each other in bed in the dark or even sometimes when we're in the car going

for a drive. Counselors unaware of this dynamic would lead you to believe that

in order to work through a conflict you must face each other, hold hands, and

reiterate what the other person has said in your own words. I could see how

that advice would not work at all in an aspie relationship.

And yes, I have noticed how critical it is to get the person's attention first

before speaking. I think this is true of everyone. Anyone focused on a task

might not notice someone talking to them. I DO THAT. My aspie husband will

think that I am so rude if I don't hear him and thinks I'm ignoring him when I

was simply in the middle of something and didn't realize he was talking to me.

Or if I'm in another room and he starts talking to me and I don't hear him.

ESPECIALLY if there is the buzz of a refrigerator or other appliance or the

mumble of a radio. I think it is his theory of mind that leads him to jump to

the conclusion that I am ignoring because he can not comprehend where I am

coming from and that my mind is preoccupied at the moment. Instead of patiently

trying to get my attention. He just gets offended and hurls an insult at me.

____________________________________________________________

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Hi ,

Yes you brought up some very familiar aspects of Aspie behavior in

your posting.  

My assumption is that when he told you to ‘say his name or he

may not hear it’, he was indicating that he may well otherwise miss the first

half or portion of what you are saying.     In my experience, the Aspie needs

to have his attention drawn to the other person as the very first part of a

communication.   There can be a genuine delay in his inner response.   As I’ve

tried to describe it before,…  the partner starts a sentence, then the AS one

half way through, registers that someone is speaking to him.     He takes those

seconds or part seconds to recognize the fact.   Then there is another delay

while he switches his eyes or his attention from his book or his ‘brown study’

to the NT partner.  Then he has to try and pick up just what is being talked

about, along with the understanding that the comments actually require an

answer or acknowledgement.  

Now after maybe a lifetime of struggling to come to terms with

the issues that the folks round him take so seriously, he has to force himself

to recognize the problem or the issue and then work out the appropriate

answer.  Now if by any chance he either has no interest in the topic

(conceiving it as being of significance to the other party only, and being

outside his own area of expertise or interest) then he will feel irritated or

even confused; and he may either try to deflect the issue, or maybe give a

political type answer designed purely to placate the other.  

A major problem in it all, is that having gone through so many

delays (even each in a mini-second perhaps) he may well have missed the sense

of the first half or more of the statement or question or request.    Thus he

is either struggling to understand what has been said, or else he has missed

maybe the most important opening part of the communication.  This is probably

what he means by ‘not hearing you’.   Heaven knows I’ve gone through this

innumerable times with my partners, and have begged them over and over to speak

my name first in order to draw my FULL attention and so that I don’t miss the

crucial opening of the sentence.  It helps in the process too of course if the

speaker does everything to grab the visual attention of the Aspie by

positioning in front of him.    Speaking to him from behind or from another

room may only serve to let him think that you are talking to someone else, or even

to yourself.   ]

This delay and extreme difficulty in switching attention is very

common among Aspies.   We really do lose ourselves in our concentration, and it

is often one of the factors that limits intimacy with our partners.  Our own inner

life is our primary concern so very often, due to an inherent self-centredness.

The other thing you mentioned there is the covering up of the

face with a pillow or whatever in order to prepare to listen and talk.   This

might appear to represent a contradiction to what I just described.   But this

is not the case.   Once the attention is gained by name pronouncing or eye

contact, then the next problem can be that the sight of the partner talking

about intimate or serious things is problematic and may need to be obliterated

while the talk goes on.

One of our common problems as Aspies, is that human contact is inherently

difficult.    Where the NT individual wants to draw in intuitive information

from the other’s body language or fluctuating facial expressions, the Aspie

finds them to be either confusing or totally distracting.   For him, the words

by themselves will be of far more importance than the person speaking along

with his or her emotions and motivations.    This is why quite frequently when

two Aspies or Autistics are partnered, they find it easiest and most efficient

on delicate or disputed issues to email each other about the issue.  Many have

their own separate computers in different rooms for this purpose.

I recall in my long gone married days, if my wife wished or

needed to talk about something intimate or serious, I could not sit with her

and hold her hand as we talked, - or for that matter be close up touching while

in bed.   The closeness of the other virtually ‘jammed’ my brain and thinking

processes.  I needed complete isolation from her at those times so I could

think clearly.   Unfortunately the subsequent talking I would do would turn out

a bit like a non-intimate lecturing or analysis.

Hope some of these thoughts may be of use to you,

Cheers,  Ron  (74 yr old Australian Aspie)

Aspie

Isolation

, thank you.

This makes sense to me. He would comment about small talk, he didn't

like it. And unfortunately for quite some time, due to the illness I

had at the time, I had not much in my life but that and small talk, which

made it rough on me and he must have really not liked it. He did do

better with most conversation in person, but only if the TV were off and

there were no other distractions. And he told me I would have to say his name

or he may not hear me. Sometimes, if the conversation was about

something serious, such as money, or marriage he would cover his face with a

pillow or blanket and then say, ok, we can talk now. If I asked him how

work was, I never got much of an answer, so your response makes sense

here. He is intelligent and he does know a lot of information.

With his family, if I do choose to discuss this with them, I know they use

the computer a lot and if I can point them in the right direction so they

don't have to search through so much material, they can decide for

themselves. Maybe that would be more helpful than anything. I'll

have to think about that.

Thanks for the information again.

..

[Guest guest]

Oh and the email idea.... I'd love to do that since I like to type my thoughts

and feel I can express myself calmly and without emotion when I type. Often I

will think of something I need to tell him during the day while he's at work and

will forget by the time he gets home. AND if I do remember to tell him (i.e.

plans we have made for next week), he often forgets I told him and behaves as if

he's totally surprised when I bring it up again that day. So I have been

shooting him short messages during the day.

BUT if I need to have a serious discussion it doesn't seem to work as he doesn't

have time for that while he's at work and he does not check email at home. I

would like to try this idea more with serious issues. I think it would help us

not to get all worked up and loud and therefore completely

unproductive.....which is more often than not in our case. To the point where I

have begun to avoid speaking my mind often because I just want a peaceful

environment for myself and the kids....and of course for him as well. He's so

stressed out at work. I don't want him to have it at home too.

____________________________________________________________

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Hello Ron,I read your response about 3 times and thought to myself, YES! This is some of the information I needed to know. I did learn to say his name, and he also said to make sure he was looking at me when I started talking, (unless it was one of the times he couldn't look at me), and that cleared up a lot with that communication issue. If I didn't do those things, he would tell me to start over, and I would go back to the very beginning of the conversation and start over. I had been so perplexed before when I would start talking, he would be the only one in the room, and he would halfway into it ask it I was talking to him. So now I know. I wasn't someone who typically talked to myself as some people do. This is one issue where more understanding on my part could have gone a long way in helping out

relationship. It wasn't hard to get into the habit of saying his name and it made things so much easier, now I know why. I really didn't mind adapting to a lot of those kind of things, but I had to know WHAT to do in order to do that and unfortunately I'm finding out too late in the game, but it helps me to heal. One other thing I did do that you mentioned is communicating by written word. I also learned that if I wanted him to stop at the store or do something for me on his way home from work, if I wrote a note and placed it on a stool right in front of the stairs so when he left in the morning he'd have to move it out of the way and would see the note, he would remember to do whatever I had asked. If I asked him verbally he would usually forget. So at least I did one thing right! I know he wasn't forgetful, so it was probably that I hadn't said his name or he wasn't looking at me and missed it. But the

note in front of the door did it every time. You probably read in my other posts, with that illness and long recovery I had to stay with family for care for quite some time. He came here for a visit (or so I thought) a couple weeks before Christmas (he didn't like to be here for the holiday itself, I understand that now too), and the whole time he was uncomfortable. He would pace, back and forth, was very restless. In fact it made me nervous. I didn't know what was bothering him and he wouldn't say. About a month later he called on the phone and blurted out in the first sentence right after I said hello, that "it's time we get divorced". Talk about a shocking moment for me! I knew things weren't going well, but still, that would catch anyone off guard. He later told me he had come here before Christmas to tell me then, but when he saw me, key word being saw, he couldn't do it. I think

you cleared some of my questions up as far as that is concerned too. I could comment a lot more on what you said, it's been very very helpful, but it's late here in the states. By the way, I think Australia is a beautiful country. I hope that someday I have the opportunity to travel there.Subject: RE: : communication with the AspieTo: aspires-relationships Date: Sunday, December 6, 2009, 1:23 AM

Hi , Yes you brought up some very familiar aspects of Aspie behavior in

your posting. My assumption is that when he told you to ‘say his name or he

may not hear it’, he was indicating that he may well otherwise miss the first

half or portion of what you are saying. In my experience, the Aspie needs

to have his attention drawn to the other person as the very first part of a

communication. There can be a genuine delay in his inner response. As I’ve

tried to describe it before,… the partner starts a sentence, then the AS one

half way through, registers that someone is speaking to him. He takes those

seconds or part seconds to recognize the fact. Then there is another delay

while he switches his eyes or his attention from his book or his ‘brown study’

to the NT partner. Then he has to try and pick up just what is being talked

about, along with the understanding that the comments actually require an

answer or acknowledgement. Now after maybe a lifetime of struggling to come to terms with

the issues that the folks round him take so seriously, he has to force himself

to recognize the problem or the issue and then work out the appropriate

answer. Now if by any chance he either has no interest in the topic

(conceiving it as being of significance to the other party only, and being

outside his own area of expertise or interest) then he will feel irritated or

even confused; and he may either try to deflect the issue, or maybe give a

political type answer designed purely to placate the other. A major problem in it all, is that having gone through so many

delays (even each in a mini-second perhaps) he may well have missed the sense

of the first half or more of the statement or question or request. Thus he

is either struggling to understand what has been said, or else he has missed

maybe the most important opening part of the communication. This is probably

what he means by ‘not hearing you’. Heaven knows I’ve gone through this

innumerable times with my partners, and have begged them over and over to speak

my name first in order to draw my FULL attention and so that I don’t miss the

crucial opening of the sentence. It helps in the process too of course if the

speaker does everything to grab the visual attention of the Aspie by

positioning in front of him. Speaking to him from behind or from another

room may only serve to let him think that you are talking to someone else, or even

to yourself. ] This delay and extreme difficulty in switching attention is very

common among Aspies. We really do lose ourselves in our concentration, and it

is often one of the factors that limits intimacy with our partners. Our own inner

life is our primary concern so very often, due to an inherent self-centredness. The other thing you mentioned there is the covering up of the

face with a pillow or whatever in order to prepare to listen and talk. This

might appear to represent a contradiction to what I just described. But this

is not the case. Once the attention is gained by name pronouncing or eye

contact, then the next problem can be that the sight of the partner talking

about intimate or serious things is problematic and may need to be obliterated

while the talk goes on. One of our common problems as Aspies, is that human contact is inherently

difficult. Where the NT individual wants to draw in intuitive information

from the other’s body language or fluctuating facial expressions, the Aspie

finds them to be either confusing or totally distracting. For him, the words

by themselves will be of far more importance than the person speaking along

with his or her emotions and motivations. This is why quite frequently when

two Aspies or Autistics are partnered, they find it easiest and most efficient

on delicate or disputed issues to email each other about the issue. Many have

their own separate computers in different rooms for this purpose. I recall in my long gone married days, if my wife wished or

needed to talk about something intimate or serious, I could not sit with her

and hold her hand as we talked, - or for that matter be close up touching while

in bed. The closeness of the other virtually ‘jammed’ my brain and thinking

processes. I needed complete isolation from her at those times so I could

think clearly. Unfortunately the subsequent talking I would do would turn out

a bit like a non-intimate lecturing or analysis. Hope some of these thoughts may be of use to you, Cheers, Ron (74 yr old Australian Aspie) Aspie

Isolation

, thank you.

This makes sense to me. He would comment about small talk, he didn't

like it. And unfortunately for quite some time, due to the illness I

had at the time, I had not much in my life but that and small talk, which

made it rough on me and he must have really not liked it. He did do

better with most conversation in person, but only if the TV were off and

there were no other distractions. And he told me I would have to say his name

or he may not hear me. Sometimes, if the conversation was about

something serious, such as money, or marriage he would cover his face with a

pillow or blanket and then say, ok, we can talk now. If I asked him how

work was, I never got much of an answer, so your response makes sense

here. He is intelligent and he does know a lot of information.

With his family, if I do choose to discuss this with them, I know they use

the computer a lot and if I can point them in the right direction so they

don't have to search through so much material, they can decide for

themselves. Maybe that would be more helpful than anything. I'll

have to think about that.

Thanks for the information again.

..

[Guest guest]

It took me forever to figure this out but

the best conversations I have with our daughter, who has Asperger’s take

place during driving and I’m starting to think that it may be helpful to

use this method with my husband, who has self-identified as having Aspergers.

And I gotta tell ya – as a NT, I’m totally willing to solve

problems and engender family harmony through these accommodations.

Hadassah

From: aspires-relationships

[mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of samcmaster@...

Sent: Monday, December 07, 2009

10:58 AM

To:

aspires-relationships

Subject: RE: :

communication with the Aspie

AHA!!!!!! So this is why our best conversations occur when we are lying next to

each other in bed in the dark or even sometimes when we're in the car going for

a drive. Counselors unaware of this dynamic would lead you to believe that in

order to work through a conflict you must face each other, hold hands, and

reiterate what the other person has said in your own words. I could see how

that advice would not work at all in an aspie relationship.

And yes, I have noticed how critical it is to get the person's attention first

before speaking. I think this is true of everyone. Anyone focused on a task

might not notice someone talking to them. I DO THAT. My aspie husband will think

that I am so rude if I don't hear him and thinks I'm ignoring him when I was

simply in the middle of something and didn't realize he was talking to me. Or

if I'm in another room and he starts talking to me and I don't hear him.

ESPECIALLY if there is the buzz of a refrigerator or other appliance or the

mumble of a radio. I think it is his theory of mind that leads him to jump to

the conclusion that I am ignoring because he can not comprehend where I am

coming from and that my mind is preoccupied at the moment. Instead of patiently

trying to get my attention. He just gets offended and hurls an insult at me.

__________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

My husband is an aspie. If I want to have a serious conversation with him I have to take him to a restaurant. He is too comfortable at home and is constantly distracted by anything and everthing...very frustrating for me when I need his full attention. Take him out to a restaurant however, and I have his complete and undivided attention. In a crowded restaurant I am his comfortable place so he locks in on me and tunes out everything else.Pretty nifty system for me as I dont have to cook and I get accomplished what needs talked about! LOL

It comes down to working with him and his aspie quirks rather than trying to force him into changing or doing something he cant. I like him the way he is I dont want him changed

breezy

Subject: RE: : communication with the AspieTo: aspires-relationships Date: Monday, December 7, 2009, 1:06 PM

It took me forever to figure this out but the best conversations I have with our daughter, who has Asperger’s take place during driving and I’m starting to think that it may be helpful to use this method with my husband, who has self-identified as having Aspergers. And I gotta tell ya – as a NT, I’m totally willing to solve problems and engender family harmony through these accommodations.

Hadassah

From: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com [mailto:aspires- relationships@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of samcmasterjuno (DOT) comSent: Monday, December 07, 2009 10:58 AMTo: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) comSubject: RE: : [aspires-relationsh ips] communication with the Aspie

AHA!!!!!! So this is why our best conversations occur when we are lying next to each other in bed in the dark or even sometimes when we're in the car going for a drive. Counselors unaware of this dynamic would lead you to believe that in order to work through a conflict you must face each other, hold hands, and reiterate what the other person has said in your own words. I could see how that advice would not work at all in an aspie relationship.And yes, I have noticed how critical it is to get the person's attention first before speaking. I think this is true of everyone. Anyone focused on a task might not notice someone talking to them. I DO THAT. My aspie husband will think that I am so rude if I don't hear him and thinks I'm ignoring him when I was simply in the middle of something and didn't realize he was talking to me. Or if I'm in another room and he starts talking

to me and I don't hear him. ESPECIALLY if there is the buzz of a refrigerator or other appliance or the mumble of a radio. I think it is his theory of mind that leads him to jump to the conclusion that I am ignoring because he can not comprehend where I am coming from and that my mind is preoccupied at the moment. Instead of patiently trying to get my attention. He just gets offended and hurls an insult at me.____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _Weight Loss ProgramBest Weight Loss Program - Click Here!http://thirdpartyof fers.juno. com/TGL2141/ c?cp=dheFMsWf4Cd ZGC0EyQexCQAAJ1A Qz4KnhT56NOX4oda lbYuZAAYAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAADNAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

EUgAAAAA=

[Guest guest]

Thanks Hadassa and Breezy. I'll add your ides to my tool bag

____________________________________________________________

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My husband is an aspie. If I want to have a serious conversation with him I have to take him to a restaurant. He is too comfortable at home and is constantly distracted by anything and everthing...very frustrating for me when I need his full attention. Take him out to a restaurant however, and I have his complete and undivided attention. In a crowded restaurant I am his comfortable place so he locks in on me and tunes out everything else.Pretty nifty system for me as I dont have to cook and I get accomplished what needs talked about! LOL

It comes down to working with him and his aspie quirks rather than trying to force him into changing or doing something he cant. I like him the way he is I dont want him changed

breezy

From: Hadassah <hlfosterusc (DOT) edu>Subject: RE: : communication with the AspieTo: aspires-relationships Date: Monday, December 7, 2009, 1:06 PM

It took me forever to figure this out but the best conversations I have with our daughter, who has Asperger’s take place during driving and I’m starting to think that it may be helpful to use this method with my husband, who has self-identified as having Aspergers. And I gotta tell ya – as a NT, I’m totally willing to solve problems and engender family harmony through these accommodations.

Hadassah

From: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com [mailto:aspires- relationships@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of samcmasterjuno (DOT) comSent: Monday, December 07, 2009 10:58 AMTo: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) comSubject: RE: : [aspires-relationsh ips] communication with the Aspie

AHA!!!!!! So this is why our best conversations occur when we are lying next to each other in bed in the dark or even sometimes when we're in the car going for a drive. Counselors unaware of this dynamic would lead you to believe that in order to work through a conflict you must face each other, hold hands, and reiterate what the other person has said in your own words. I could see how that advice would not work at all in an aspie relationship.And yes, I have noticed how critical it is to get the person's attention first before speaking. I think this is true of everyone. Anyone focused on a task might not notice someone talking to them. I DO THAT. My aspie husband will think that I am so rude if I don't hear him and thinks I'm ignoring him when I was simply in the middle of something and didn't realize he was talking to me. Or if I'm in another room and he starts talking

to me and I don't hear him. ESPECIALLY if there is the buzz of a refrigerator or other appliance or the mumble of a radio. I think it is his theory of mind that leads him to jump to the conclusion that I am ignoring because he can not comprehend where I am coming from and that my mind is preoccupied at the moment. Instead of patiently trying to get my attention. He just gets offended and hurls an insult at me.____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _Weight Loss ProgramBest Weight Loss Program - Click Here!http://thirdpartyof fers.juno. com/TGL2141/ c?cp=dheFMsWf4Cd ZGC0EyQexCQAAJ1A Qz4KnhT56NOX4oda lbYuZAAYAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAADNAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

EUgAAAAA=

[Guest guest]

I'll be glad to have a conversation in a restaurant - who's buying?

>

>

>

> Subject: RE: : communication with the Aspie

> To: aspires-relationships

> Date: Monday, December 7, 2009, 1:06 PM

>

>

>  

>

>

>

>

>

> It took me forever to figure this out but the best conversations I have with

our daughter, who has Asperger’s take place during driving and I’m starting

to think that it may be helpful to use this method with my husband, who has

self-identified as having Aspergers.  And I gotta tell ya †" as a NT, I’m

totally willing to solve problems and engender family harmony through these

accommodations.

>  

>

> Hadassah

>

>

>

>

> From: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com [mailto:aspires- relationships@

yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of samcmasterjuno (DOT) com

> Sent: Monday, December 07, 2009 10:58 AM

> To: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com

> Subject: RE: : [aspires-relationsh ips] communication with the Aspie

>  

>  

>

>

>

>

> AHA!!!!!! So this is why our best conversations occur when we are lying next

to each other in bed in the dark or even sometimes when we're in the car going

for a drive. Counselors unaware of this dynamic would lead you to believe that

in order to work through a conflict you must face each other, hold hands, and

reiterate what the other person has said in your own words. I could see how that

advice would not work at all in an aspie relationship.

>

> And yes, I have noticed how critical it is to get the person's attention first

before speaking. I think this is true of everyone. Anyone focused on a task

might not notice someone talking to them. I DO THAT. My aspie husband will think

that I am so rude if I don't hear him and thinks I'm ignoring him when I was

simply in the middle of something and didn't realize he was talking to me. Or if

I'm in another room and he starts talking to me and I don't hear him. ESPECIALLY

if there is the buzz of a refrigerator or other appliance or the mumble of a

radio. I think it is his theory of mind that leads him to jump to the conclusion

that I am ignoring because he can not comprehend where I am coming from and that

my mind is preoccupied at the moment. Instead of patiently trying to get my

attention. He just gets offended and hurls an insult at me.

> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

> Weight Loss Program

> Best Weight Loss Program - Click Here!

> http://thirdpartyof fers.juno. com/TGL2141/ c?cp=dheFMsWf4Cd ZGC0EyQexCQAAJ1A

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>

[Guest guest]

Lets go dutch! Mexican?

Subject: Re: : communication with the AspieTo: aspires-relationships Date: Tuesday, December 8, 2009, 8:46 PM

I'll be glad to have a conversation in a restaurant - who's buying? > > > From: Hadassah <hlfoster@.. .>> Subject: RE: : [aspires-relationsh ips] communication with the Aspie> To: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com> Date: Monday, December 7, 2009, 1:06 PM> > >  > > > > > > It took me forever to figure this out but the best conversations I have with our daughter, who has Asperger’s take place during driving and I’m starting to think that it may be helpful to use

this method with my husband, who has self-identified as having Aspergers. And I gotta tell ya â€" as a NT, I’m totally willing to solve problems and engender family harmony through these accommodations.>  > > Hadassah> > > > > From: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com [mailto:aspires- relationships@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of samcmasterjuno (DOT) com> Sent: Monday, December 07, 2009 10:58 AM> To: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com> Subject: RE: : [aspires-relationsh ips] communication with the Aspie>  >  > > > > > AHA!!!!!! So this is why our best conversations occur when we are lying next to each other in bed in the dark or even sometimes when we're in the car going for a drive. Counselors unaware of this dynamic would lead you to believe that in order to work through a conflict

you must face each other, hold hands, and reiterate what the other person has said in your own words. I could see how that advice would not work at all in an aspie relationship.> > And yes, I have noticed how critical it is to get the person's attention first before speaking. I think this is true of everyone. Anyone focused on a task might not notice someone talking to them. I DO THAT. My aspie husband will think that I am so rude if I don't hear him and thinks I'm ignoring him when I was simply in the middle of something and didn't realize he was talking to me. Or if I'm in another room and he starts talking to me and I don't hear him. ESPECIALLY if there is the buzz of a refrigerator or other appliance or the mumble of a radio. I think it is his theory of mind that leads him to jump to the conclusion that I am ignoring because he can not comprehend where I am coming from and that my mind is preoccupied at the moment. Instead of patiently

trying to get my attention. He just gets offended and hurls an insult at me.> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _> Weight Loss Program> Best Weight Loss Program - Click Here!> http://thirdpartyof fers.juno. com/TGL2141/ c?cp=dheFMsWf4Cd ZGC0EyQexCQAAJ1A Qz4KnhT56NOX4oda lbYuZAAYAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAADNAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA EUgAAAAA=>

[Guest guest]

Sounds good, minus the refried beans (not touching that one with a ten-foot

stick).

> >

> >

> > From: Hadassah <hlfoster@ .>

> > Subject: RE: : [aspires-relationsh ips] communication with the Aspie

> > To: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com

> > Date: Monday, December 7, 2009, 1:06 PM

> >

> >

> >  

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > It took me forever to figure this out but the best conversations I have with

our daughter, who has Asperger’s take place during driving and I’m

starting to think that it may be helpful to use this method with my husband, who

has self-identified as having Aspergers.  And I gotta tell ya †" as a NT,

I’m totally willing to solve problems and engender family harmony through

these accommodations.

> >  

> >

> > Hadassah

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > From: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com [mailto:aspires-

relationships@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of samcmasterjuno (DOT) com

> > Sent: Monday, December 07, 2009 10:58 AM

> > To: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com

> > Subject: RE: : [aspires-relationsh ips] communication with the Aspie

> >  

> >  

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > AHA!!!!!! So this is why our best conversations occur when we are lying next

to each other in bed in the dark or even sometimes when we're in the car going

for a drive. Counselors unaware of this dynamic would lead you to believe that

in order to work through a conflict you must face each other, hold hands, and

reiterate what the other person has said in your own words. I could see how that

advice would not work at all in an aspie relationship.

> >

> > And yes, I have noticed how critical it is to get the person's attention

first before speaking. I think this is true of everyone. Anyone focused on a

task might not notice someone talking to them. I DO THAT. My aspie husband will

think that I am so rude if I don't hear him and thinks I'm ignoring him when I

was simply in the middle of something and didn't realize he was talking to me.

Or if I'm in another room and he starts talking to me and I don't hear him.

ESPECIALLY if there is the buzz of a refrigerator or other appliance or the

mumble of a radio. I think it is his theory of mind that leads him to jump to

the conclusion that I am ignoring because he can not comprehend where I am

coming from and that my mind is preoccupied at the moment. Instead of patiently

trying to get my attention. He just gets offended and hurls an insult at me.

> > ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

> > Weight Loss Program

> > Best Weight Loss Program - Click Here!

> > http://thirdpartyof fers.juno. com/TGL2141/ c?cp=dheFMsWf4Cd

ZGC0EyQexCQAAJ1A Qz4KnhT56NOX4oda lbYuZAAYAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAADNAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA EUgAAAAA=

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Agreed! Refried beans can be a dangerous topic lol

Subject: Re: : communication with the AspieTo: aspires-relationships Date: Tuesday, December 8, 2009, 8:54 PM

Sounds good, minus the refried beans (not touching that one with a ten-foot stick).> > > > > > From: Hadassah <hlfoster@ .>> > Subject: RE: : [aspires-relationsh ips] communication with the Aspie> > To: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com> > Date: Monday, December 7, 2009, 1:06 PM> > > > > >  > > > > > > > > > > > > It took me forever to figure this out but the best conversations I have with our daughter, who has Asperger’s take place during driving and I’m starting to think that it may be helpful to use this method with my husband, who has self-identified as having Aspergers. And I gotta tell ya â€" as a NT, I’m totally willing to solve problems and engender family harmony

through these accommodations.> >  > > > > Hadassah> > > > > > > > > > From: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com [mailto:aspires- relationships@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of samcmasterjuno (DOT) com> > Sent: Monday, December 07, 2009 10:58 AM> > To: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com> > Subject: RE: : [aspires-relationsh ips] communication with the Aspie> >  > >  > > > > > > > > > > AHA!!!!!! So this is why our best conversations occur when we are lying next to each other in bed in the dark or even sometimes when we're in the car going for a drive. Counselors unaware of this dynamic would lead you to believe that in order to work through a conflict you must face each other, hold hands, and reiterate what the other person has said in

your own words. I could see how that advice would not work at all in an aspie relationship.> > > > And yes, I have noticed how critical it is to get the person's attention first before speaking. I think this is true of everyone. Anyone focused on a task might not notice someone talking to them. I DO THAT. My aspie husband will think that I am so rude if I don't hear him and thinks I'm ignoring him when I was simply in the middle of something and didn't realize he was talking to me. Or if I'm in another room and he starts talking to me and I don't hear him. ESPECIALLY if there is the buzz of a refrigerator or other appliance or the mumble of a radio. I think it is his theory of mind that leads him to jump to the conclusion that I am ignoring because he can not comprehend where I am coming from and that my mind is preoccupied at the moment. Instead of patiently trying to get my attention. He just gets offended and hurls an insult at

me.> > ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _> > Weight Loss Program> > Best Weight Loss Program - Click Here!> > http://thirdpartyof fers.juno. com/TGL2141/ c?cp=dheFMsWf4Cd ZGC0EyQexCQAAJ1A Qz4KnhT56NOX4oda lbYuZAAYAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAADNAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA EUgAAAAA=> >>

[Guest guest]

Breezy wrote:

<< Agreed! Refried beans can be a dangerous topic lol >>

Aw, c'mon. Frijoles have all sorts of benefits not advertised on the label.

Like insuring that the consumer will never be forced to share their seat

on the bus.

Now if that's not a good reason to enjoy them, I don't know what is!

Best,

~CJ (still smiling that an individual named " Breezy " weighed in on this

topic)

[Guest guest]

Thank you CJ, Breezy and for our laugh of the day!!!!

g'nite!

- Helen (still smiling)

At 10:40 PM 12/8/2009, you wrote:

>Breezy wrote:

><< Agreed! Refried beans can be a dangerous topic lol >>

>Aw, c'mon. Frijoles have all sorts of benefits not advertised on the label.

>Like insuring that the consumer will never be forced to share their seat

>on the bus.

>Now if that's not a good reason to enjoy them, I don't know what is!

>Best,

>~CJ (still smiling that an individual named " Breezy " weighed in on this

>topic)

[Guest guest]

I heard it put a certain way one time, but won't mention it in here

> > >

> > >

> > > From: Hadassah <hlfoster@ .>

> > > Subject: RE: : [aspires-relationsh ips] communication with the Aspie

> > > To: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com

> > > Date: Monday, December 7, 2009, 1:06 PM

> > >

> > >

> > >  

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > It took me forever to figure this out but the best conversations I have

with our daughter, who has Asperger’s take place during driving

and I’m starting to think that it may be helpful to use this

method with my husband, who has self-identified as having Aspergers. 

And I gotta tell ya †" as a NT, I’m totally willing

to solve problems and engender family harmony through these accommodations.

> > >  

> > >

> > > Hadassah

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > From: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com [mailto:aspires-

relationships@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of samcmasterjuno (DOT) com

> > > Sent: Monday, December 07, 2009 10:58 AM

> > > To: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com

> > > Subject: RE: : [aspires-relationsh ips] communication with the Aspie

> > >  

> > >  

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > AHA!!!!!! So this is why our best conversations occur when we are lying

next to each other in bed in the dark or even sometimes when we're in the car

going for a drive. Counselors unaware of this dynamic would lead you to believe

that in order to work through a conflict you must face each other, hold hands,

and reiterate what the other person has said in your own words. I could see how

that advice would not work at all in an aspie relationship.

> > >

> > > And yes, I have noticed how critical it is to get the person's attention

first before speaking. I think this is true of everyone. Anyone focused on a

task might not notice someone talking to them. I DO THAT. My aspie husband will

think that I am so rude if I don't hear him and thinks I'm ignoring him when I

was simply in the middle of something and didn't realize he was talking to me.

Or if I'm in another room and he starts talking to me and I don't hear him.

ESPECIALLY if there is the buzz of a refrigerator or other appliance or the

mumble of a radio. I think it is his theory of mind that leads him to jump to

the conclusion that I am ignoring because he can not comprehend where I am

coming from and that my mind is preoccupied at the moment. Instead of patiently

trying to get my attention. He just gets offended and hurls an insult at me.

> > > ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

> > > Weight Loss Program

> > > Best Weight Loss Program - Click Here!

> > > http://thirdpartyof fers.juno. com/TGL2141/ c?cp=dheFMsWf4Cd

ZGC0EyQexCQAAJ1A Qz4KnhT56NOX4oda lbYuZAAYAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAADNAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA EUgAAAAA=

> > >

> >

>