Re: Catching up post surgeries/

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

I have an idea of what you are going through and your challenges. My husband

was much the same way. I had to have planned strategy a step ahead of him to

survive. I played the game for 6 years and when my own health from all the

tension started to show signs of wavering. I put him into a nursing home. It was

the hardest thing that I have had to do; but I'll be darned if he takes me down

with him. I love my husband dearly, but it is not worth having more than one ill

and then you are not able to take care of your LO, because of your own health

going down too. It is a catch 22!

Now that he is in a nh, I still am very active in his care and remain his

advocate, but now I have others to watch over his safety too and it has released

a lot of my tension.

I am not saying that a nh is the solution, but it has worked for us. I am

glad that you went on your vacation to Hawaii, even though you came home to more

tension, but at least you got away. You must take respite for yourself, it is

very important.

As for the driving, that was one of my biggest nightmares with my husband.

It came to the point where he was a hazard for anyone on the road and I feared

for others and knew I would be liable knowing he was on the road.

He was hallucinating badly at that time and driving. He was at a very busy

intersection and stopped the car and got out and was walking in the intersection

of busy traffic. He thought he had seen an accident with all kinds of people

gathered around, but there was no accident. (If anything, he was going to cause

one himself.) Fortunately, there were also road construction workers near by

that saw him and approached him and one had him get into the car and followed

him home and told me what had happened.

I had his license revoked after that incident. That wasn't the end of it,

because now his independence was taken away and he believed that as long as he

had his driver's ID that meant he could drive. The sheet of paper saying his

license was revoked meant nothing. I called the highway patrol to send someone

to the house to speak to my husband about the dangers of driving for him and

others on the road, but it did no good, because the guy kept saying he

understood my husband and would probably be the same way if he could no longer

drive and this just gave my husband more reason to drive, because this guy had

told him he would probably feel the same way. So, when I would go in the shower

and he knew I could not chase after him, off he would go in the car, so I

started taking the key away and hiding it, only to find out that he had keys

copied each time he went out, so he had others hiding around the house to use. I

would run out and close the automatic garage door, before

he could leave and he would lock the doors to the car and start the motor while

the garage door was closed forcing me to open it and out he would go. I would

call the highway patrol to warn them he was on the road, but he would always

return before they could find him and I would have to call them to say he was

home. This game went on until my husband was in a fender bender that he caused.

Thank goodness no one was hurt, but when I took the car in for repairs a friend

told me about a " Kill Switch " and I had that installed while having the car

repaired. A " Kill Switch " is no bigger than the tip of your thumb to your

knuckle and plugs in under the steering wheel. If you don't know about it, you

don't know it is there. When plugged in the car will start, when removed, the

car can not start. This was my saving grace! So, when the car came home my

husband got into the car and it would not start. He came in to call the tow

truck, but I said, " It worked yesterday " so, I went out

to start it and I said, " It must be a loose wire " and while bending under the

steering wheel, I plugged the Kill Switch in and the car started. My husband

although he could reason to copy new keys and to start the car when the garage

door was closed, so I would open it, could not reason why the car started for me

and not for him. He actually believed that I was fixing a loose wire and the

driving living hell stopped after that. Since, I needed the car to drive, I had

to play this game. It was a living Hell.

wmtpower wrote:

Hello All

I haven't posted much since the summer but I have tried to keep up

with everyone's news here. Mom went into the hospital mid August and

subsequently had two surgeries. First was a very nasty gall bladder

and the second, less than a week later was an emergency repair of the

liver bile duct. She was in the hospital for 3 1/2 weeks. Looking

back the summer is a blur. Lots of hospital time and stress wondering

if she would suffer major deterioration from all the meds.

Hallucinating vikings in her hospital room you may remember.

When she was released I brought her home to my house. She was a

complete non cooperator. We had a long planned vacation coming up and

could not decide whether to go or not. After about ten days and

several follow up visits to the Dr at which time he said she was

coming along very well physically, we decided to get a live in

caregiver to stay with her at our house and we went to Hawaii.

By the time I got on the plane I was a complete wreck. I was in

serious pain with my neck and shoulders and my inflamatory condition

was screaming at me. We left mom with a very capable friend of the

family who my mom has known for years. Mom actually thought this was

a great idea. Turned into a nightmare for our friend. Mom was

terrible to her. Called her every name in the book, swearing like a

drunken sailor, doing nothing for herself, barely eating, refused to

bathe, on and on. She kept insisting that she couldn't do any of

these things because she was in someone else's house. When we got

home mom started in on me. Completely irrational. We decided it was

sink or swim time for mom so we took her home.

So far she is managing. But I am doing more monitoring than ever.

Taking the meds is a big issue. She will say I am taking them right

now and then the next day I find that she didn't take them. We get

the groceries but she thinks she is driving herself to the market.

Actually her car has a dead battery which I have not mentioned to

her. She tells me " Of course I am driving, how do you think I am

getting my groceries! "

Last week we went up to her house with food and meds and she blew a

fuse and called the police on us. They came and were very

understanding. The next day right after I talked to her on the phone,

a good day I was thinking, she called my husband and told him I stole

her table cover and she saw me do it, and swearing like a sailor.

This is the shortened condensed version, there is lots of other nasty

and crazy stuff going on. I guess the saving grace is that she

doesn't remember when she gets so upset, I mean upset! Unfortunately

I remember. Just when I think we are making progress she blows

sideways, or forgets what I have told her every day for two weeks. I

guess that is my problem....thinking we are making progress. I have

to stop doing that. Lately I have tried to tell myself it is never

going to get better only worse. Then I get scared & depressed. I feel

like I have to have a better plan but sometimes I feel paralized. I

have a terrible time dealing with her " wrath " . Many years of

conditioning there, as she has always been difficult.

Dr visit this week and he asked her to take a driving test at the DMV

so we could all be sure she was safe behind the wheel. This will be

the next big issue which I am sure will get very nasty. He also

mentioned putting her on Namenda. Any pearls of wisdom on that med

anyone? She currently takes Aricept since June or July.

Thanks for letting me catch up with you all and for venting. I think

you are all so strong and wonderful. This is the hardest challenge I

have ever faced and I have had a couple of doozies in my time.

Thanks

& Mom Ginny 83 yrs

Welcome to LBDcaregivers.