The past 3 days...

[Guest guest]

The past 3 days...

Wednesday (Memorial Service) was perfect. And emotionally, it wasn't

as bad as I thought it would be -- I only broke down once, and for

just a few moments... It was really a celebration of life. And I'm

sure the fact that no body was there made a difference. From 3-8

there was a continuous stream of people that mom touched -- even a

few neighbors who only knew mom briefly (the funeral guy said he got

75 calls for directions so there must have been 200 people).

The pictures were wonderful. My aunt brought some of mom's artwork to

display. The themed flowers were wonderful. And even with the " in

lieu of flowers " line mom received many more beautiful arrangements.

I took home the presentation bouquet of orange roses for 'the Spanish

Dancer' and will dry them out the way they were. There was a hiccup

in the music -- I chose her favorites to play in the background: Swan

Lake, Giselle, Boccelli, some Spanish -- there was one Spanish

song she requested that I played -- but I never heard it... hopefully

someone did... The hiccup was that I accidently chose

Boccelli's Christmas album -- people were like " Why is there

Christmas music? " It was a bit of comedy during a difficult

moment... There was one song I wanted ( " Going Home " ) but didn't play

it b/c time left me -- I have it burned to a CD so I can hear it

whenever... And it's OK that I didn't play it -- I can save that song

just for me...

Read the boston.com guest book -- there was someone who lives in

Italy who knew my mom and felt an overwhelming need to google her and

then found her obit -- I got chills... And thank you to those on this

board who posted on Boston.com

Thursday (the Mass) was much more difficult. She had her mass in the

main chapel of Cathedral -- the BIG church.. Wow! what a send off. We

displayed her big portrait on the alter -- which was perfect -- b/c

everyone could see the picture from where they sat. Mom's friend

played his cello before the mass as people entered. I didn't ask him,

even though mom had requested, that he play Swan Lake's Dying Swan --

but he did (I didn't hear that b/c I hadn't gotten to my seat yet) --

maybe mom had asked him at one point, or maybe he just remembered

that that was her favorite. He played it again during the reception

after the mass -- it was great except that some people wouldn't stop

talking -- I almost broke and yelled at 'em..

I broke many times during the service -- when listening to the music.

I did well during my reading of The Spanish Dancer -- whew.. didn't

think I would, but I did...

The priest during his sermon described mom as " A contemplative in the

world and for the world. " She would LOVE to know that - the word

contemplative is usually reserved to describe monks and priests --

but it's very rare to find someone described as a contemplative of

the world -- that journey is much more difficult with the

distractions of the everyday person...

I broke big time afterwards when walking down the aisle and finally

seeing people's faces -- I let out a very loud noise (didn't mean to)

and of course brought snots up -- NICE! how embarrassing.. Then we

got confused to where we should stand at the back and people were

leaving w/out our telling them about refreshments... I'm in

tears " there's refreshments... wahhhh.. there's pictures -- go see

the pictures!!! " so people were walking one way and having to turn

and go another way -- it was not very organized...

Afterwards, my SO & I drove around the South End and picked up the

free papers with my mom's article in it at different shops -- we must

have about 50-60... That article took a WHOLE page~awesome!

Today was the burial -- and it went smoothly although, it went by too

fast. For such a long drive - it's only 5 minutes long. We visited my

dad's grave too while we were there -- next time I need to remember

to bring some compressed air so I could clean the flat stone...

And afterwards my siblings and our SOs went to IHOP (tradition since

dad - after every visit to the cemetary we go to IHOP)...

What I'm most afraid of now is the huge VOID I'll get when things

settle down -- for the past year and a half (at least) my life

revolved around visits w/ mom, working for mom.. What am I going to

do w/ myself? Of course, thankfully there's plenty to do with the

charity auction I'm apart of (funny how I got involved w/ the auction

after my dad passed -- that was the first year I jumped in with both

feet -- and I had started to delegate my tasks this year b/c so much

was going on w/ my mom -- now I'll be taking those tasks back so I

can keep myself busy -- so I don't get overcome with despair..)

Maybe it's time to turn over some new leaves... I did one big one,

the job (and as my mom said - " It took you long enough. " And will

start working out once I'm settled at the job -- b/c the job brings a

membership to the work out room... But I think I'll try to live up to

my mom's good looks. I take after my dad (who had holes in his socks,

and safety pins in his glasses) -- and I don't take the time to try

and make myself pretty. I need to make myself look better... meaning

take the time and do my makeup, wear decent clothes, make sure my

hair is done.. (silly, I know, but after looking at all my

mom's 'knock out' pictures makes me want to try and live up to that

beauty..) I have the volunteerism down like my mom -- with the

charity auction and I'll continue doing what I do w/ Lewy Body - even

w/ mom gone - b/c it's important to spread awareness.. I need to

travel again... I need to see the world like mom did...

Thanks to all of you. You've all been so supportive since I came here

back in Jan. 2006... I intend to stick around -- although I may need

a break at some point, if it becomes overwhelming -- but I if I do

take a break, I'll be back...