Re: Parents made me crazy?

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I grew up in a very messed up situation. I had a sociopathic mother. No love

whatsoever and was told daily that i was insane. I was a very spirited person

and I am still but I still have so many doubts about myself that was planted by

her. She is insane in my view. So, I guess I just wanted to say, i

understand the feeling of not knowing how to parent. I was a great parent, i

know I was. I still doubt myself because of the trials and problems I had in

the last five years but I sought outside help with my kids by asking my friends

what they do in certain situations and I made mistakes but I was sincere and my

kids have always known I love them. That was important.

So, I guess my point is, and I don't know if you mentioned how your mother

responded to paying, but if your mother agreed to help you that was a huge

gesture of caring. Trust me, I would have never gotten something like that. I

would have been laughed at and told what a loser, crazy person I am for asking.

And did you need her to pay to make you feel like she is admitting to hurting

you? Because, I can tell you from experience, you can heal and let go without

the help of the person that hurt you. I did it and I don't even wish I had a

decent mother anymore. My regrets are more about what I do. And I wish I

could stop that. In fact I was going to pose a question about this very thing.

I am having a difficult time carrying my guilt with me. Somehow I have

tremendous guilt and it interferes with my life more than anything else.

I just thought you would like to hear a story worse than yours. I can't even

imagine what it would be like for anyone in my life that caused my problems

taking responsibility. Paying for therapy isn't anywhere near an option. I

don't see my family anymore for that reason. And I was able to let it go

without getting it from them but then again I am writing this and realizing I

have transfered it to myself. I don't know what I am going to do with this

realization.

Peace.

Robyn

-------------- Original message ----------------------

> I did something really odd in response to the notion that my parents made me

> crazy - that is, my parents contributed to my anxiety disorder.

>

> I asked my mother to help pay for a small percentage of my therapy bill. She

> agreed. I can pay for it without her, that's not the point.. it's more like

> I would like everyone involved to own up to their part. I contributed to

> this, so I am paying 80 percent of it, but she contributed to it too, so

> when she pays her share, strangely, it feels like everyone is to blame and

> no one is to blame, or at least it makes it feel like my anxiety arose out

> of my family, maybe my family can help me find a solution.

>

> Before I asked her, I asked myself the following question:

>

> If my kid grows up and asks me to contribute to her therapy, even if she can

> pay for it herself, I will help her. Because all we can do, every minute, is

> make someone crazy or make them happy or sad or bored or whatever. We

> constantly affect each other. You just can't get around that. So I am a good

> parent, but I'm not perfect so someday she might need help.

>

> I would like to add - I consult with a parenting coach/child development

> expert every six months. Mostly he tells me I'm doing great, but I had such

> a lousy upbringing that I had to go to " parenting school " to find out how

> one is actually supposed to raise a well adjusted child. The most important

> thing he's taught me, besides being consistent, is how to discipline without

> judgement or exasperation. He says that is the crucial emotional lesson

> children learn - if you say " bedtime is 8pm, that's the rule, no

> exceptions, " without judgement or yelling, just calmly and respectfully,

> kids learn that life is just life, you don't have to blow your stack over

> nothing. The other thing I try to do is pay attention to her when she is

> being good, even if it is just to say, " I really like that drawing you're

> making. " or something like that.

>

> Anyway, I don't do any of this perfectly, but I am blessed to have found

> ACT, one of my core values is cultivating respect and trust with my husband

> and my daughter. Perhaps acting on that respect/trust value with my own

> mother caused me to ask her for the money, I'm really not sure.

I did something really odd in response to the notion that my parents made me crazy - that is, my parents contributed to my anxiety disorder.

I asked my mother to help pay for a small percentage of my therapy bill. She agreed. I can pay for it without her, that's not the point.. it's more like I would like everyone involved to own up to their part. I contributed to this, so I am paying 80 percent of it, but she contributed to it too, so when she pays her share, strangely, it feels like everyone is to blame and no one is to blame, or at least it makes it feel like my anxiety arose out of my family, maybe my family can help me find a solution.

Before I asked her, I asked myself the following question:

If my kid grows up and asks me to contribute to her therapy, even if she can pay for it herself, I will help her. Because all we can do, every minute, is make someone crazy or make them happy or sad or bored or whatever. We constantly affect each other. You just can't get around that. So I am a good parent, but I'm not perfect so someday she might need help.

I would like to add - I consult with a parenting coach/child development expert every six months. Mostly he tells me I'm doing great, but I had such a lousy upbringing that I had to go to " parenting school " to find out how one is actually supposed to raise a well adjusted child. The most important thing he's taught me, besides being consistent, is how to discipline without judgement or exasperation. He says that is the crucial emotional lesson children learn - if you say " bedtime is 8pm, that's the rule, no exceptions, " without judgement or yelling, just calmly and respectfully, kids learn that life is just life, you don't have to blow your stack over nothing. The other thing I try to do is pay attention to her when she is being good, even if it is just to say, " I really like that drawing you're making. " or something like that.

Anyway, I don't do any of this perfectly, but I am blessed to have found ACT, one of my core values is cultivating respect and trust with my husband and my daughter. Perhaps acting on that respect/trust value with my own mother caused me to ask her for the money, I'm really not sure.