Letter to Nick

[Guest guest]

Hi Sandy,

I read your letter, and here is what I think. Get ready as it's ASPIE

blunt, LOL. But you strike me as a person who wants to hear others

opinions straight up, so, here it is. About a week ago I was telling

this group what happened to the partner of a friend of mine once his

mother found out about her son's possible AS. His mother seized upon

it with such gusto as the cause for all of their difficulties, that

it's completely put off her estranged son from ever wanting to

explore AS further. Now I am not suggesting you are like my friend's

mother in law, but from what you have said about your husband's

reaction so far, I'm concerned that he might come to a point where

he'll be unwilling to explore AS any further, either.

Of course, at this stage of the game no one knows for sure he has it

- and getting a diagnosis, even if he was willing, is not an

overnight process. Though you may feel certain about him having it,

this is new to him, and he might be feeling like now everything is

being attributed to AS. You are trying desperately to save the

marriage, but on his side, he may be feeling now the ball is

completely back in his court again, whereas before he might have felt

at least you both agreed the responsibility was shared. It's true, it

takes two - even if one side is getting the short end of the bargain,

as you apparently are right now.

The only comparison I can make here - forgive me as it isn't great -

but it has been brought up on the list a couple of times recently,

LOL, - is when a man attributes a woman's bad mood to " that time of

the month. " Now it may well actually be true - or it could be because

of other reasons - maybe very valid reasons - but if someone told us

gals we were angry because it's that " time of the month " we would

feel as if the other party was not taking any ownership at all. There

might even be a strong inclination on our part to deny the condition.

Or we'd say, " oh, I see, and what about you, is it all me? What if it

wasn't that time of the month, then what would you blame it on? "

Again, SORRY for the analogy, but it's about as close as one as I can

think of to maybe help you imagine the spouse who has just found out

about AS, and is now may feel as if everything he does is being

attributed to AS. True or not, this won't help with acceptance. Do

you understand what I'm saying?

Having read your letter, it's clear that you are trying to find

something - anything to keep your marriage going. You don't want it

to go in the direction it's going now. You had thought this was " for

keeps. " I Has there been any further discussion on trying to get

further counselling or anything like that? I might have missed that

before. I hope it's not past that point. If your spouse is willing,

it would be worth a try.

I'm afraid that this AS stuff - as helpful as it is for you to know

about it - this has to be handled very carefully. It's like a tool

for you to understand things, for example, that maybe he didn't mean

to be aloof, selfish and so on. By all means, keep reading up. Some

of us have recommended our favourite books and links. But in a future

divorce, un-dx'd AS is going to be a red herring. I know that this is

a disappointment because you may have been hoping this would be the

" silver bullet " that might fix things. But you have to put this on

the back burner for now.

AS or no AS, the core issue right now is trust. Big Time! Finding out

he just secretly set up a separate bank account, and cashed in your

tax cheque, is a biggie. You have to address this and if the

resolution isn't satisfactory, then you need to make plans to secure

your own future. This is a very hard place for you to be in. A double

whammy, really. If he won't go to counselling, then you need to go to

help give you the fortitude to deal with what comes next. I hope

there is still a chance for a good ending, though.

HUGS to you,

Helen