Re: Question about Remorse and Guilt....Greg

[Guest guest]

Hi Greg,

This was such a helpful post for me. To really see this interaction

spelled out, and to hear how it could have worked better. Thank you!

My partner and I are still at the beginning of our relationship. We

are aware of AS likely being a factor here. We still trust each

other. We still give each other the benefit of the doubt. Reading

the posts...I worry that we may lose that. I have a strong sense,

from reading the posts that I could easily overwhelm him by the very

nature of being an NT. I don't want to do that. But I know that

conflicts, concerns are going to come up. I know I will have to

address them. I'm not a person who generally has a lot of conflicts

in relationships, but when I have concerns, I am the type who has to

bring them up, otherwise my feelings for the other person start to

die.

Any more suggestions as to how to address concerns in a helpful way?

I tend to be a pretty level-headed, calm, rational person in my

interactions. For example, I would have never started the below

conversation with " Why did you do that? " I would have, just

naturally said, " Thanks for doing X. But next time could you tell me

ahead of time. " I would probably also have gone on to explain why I

needed him to tell me ahead of time (not taking the chance that my

partner wouldn't ask " why? " )

Last night, we had a small issue come up, and I realize, after

reading the posts here, that I had this really big fear of

overwhelming him. I agonized over how to word my response (we were

writing over e-mail) in a way that would express my concern without

him feeling threatened.

I have this feeling like we're in a window of opportunity here, and I

don't want to blow it. We're going to see a psychologist with AS

experience when my partner gets here, so hopefully that will provide

some guidance.

Any thoughts that you or anyone else has would be greatly

appreciated.

Thanks,

>

> Hi Upperkase29,

>

> Yes there is remorse or guilt compounded by frustration because the

AS

> person had no intention of hurting the NT person. This comes down

to AS

> not feeling whole and getting overwhelmed by the emotion that comes

from

> our NT others. The interaction goes somewhat like this.

>

> NT> Why did you do that?

> AS> What? Is there something wrong?

> NT> You could have let me know you were going to do it.!

> AS> Why? I thought it would help you if I did that for you.

> NT> But you should have let me know! Why can't you communicate?

> AS> I am sorry it upset you. I had no idea it was such an issue.

> NT> Why didn't you just ask? Why do you behave this way?

> AS> I don't know. I thought I was trying to help. (Getting

defensive)

> NT> You don't seem to care what I think!

> AS> I was just trying to help! (Getting really uncomfortable and

not

> knowing what to do to smooth things over. Things can degenerate

from here

> or end)

>

> To deconstruct this a bit, the AS was focussed on the task.

> The NT person reacted emotionally to not having been involved in

the

> decision making about the event.

> The AS person had the best intentions but felt under pressure to

justify

> why they did it. All they wanted to do was help.

> In the mind of the AS person it turns into a personal attack.

> The NT person wants the AS person to understand they are upset

about the

> lack of communication, but the AS person is wondering why it is

such a

> drama and why it is such an emotional issue.

>

> The AS person in this case would appreciate being told that thanks

for

> doing that but can you let me know before you do it again? This

would

> lead to a question of Why? from AS and hopefully a reason would

satisfy

> the AS person. They just need information not the flood of emotion

> because the emotional flood overwhelms them and they miss the

message the

> NT wants to convey.

>

> Does this help explain it?

>

> Greg

> dx AS at 53

>

>

>