Guest guest Posted February 2, 2008 Report Share Posted February 2, 2008 I guess I should have sat back and watched how you guys communicated with each other so I wouldn't stir the pot... I thought this was a place that a person could bring their real life stories and get good advice from both perspectives... I guess i should have never just jumped in head first into comments, posts, and polls... I have been very emotional and thought some would understand...some have been wonderful, but I can't handle the thought that I might be bashing an AS person...I'm nothing like that. I am usually very cooperative and try to work things out, but I'm at the end of my rope. I have worked with Autistic children and from what I've read AS has some similar traits...although varying in intensity or what they may be, there are still some similarities. I was not meaning that every AS person has meltdowns, but mine does and I'm sure that others do too. My situation is probably more extreme than some because of the bipolar/OCD/ADHD being thrown in the mix. Also having a 5 yr old with AS/ADHD and seeing similar behaviors is frustrating for me because I can't get a grip on it. I know my baby is my baby and I will always have to be there for him. I want to work things out with my husband, but he's 6 ft 3 and weighs 300lbs. He has a shaved head, recently an earring, then he removed it, and has a booming voice. He can be very intimidating. When he has his meltdowns he acts in a similar way to my 5 yr old. He kicks, screams and throws things. It's a tantrum...it is bad behavior and no matter if he has AS or not, it is not acceptable. I do think that because he gets overstimulated sometimes it causes his meltdowns. I've spent a lot of time trying to avoid getting him overstimulated when he gets home because he and the 5 yr old feed off of each other. I know that not every person with AS is this way and I'm not saying they are. I just wanted to share my situation and see what advice anyone has to give. I'm going to sit back and just read for the next little while. I'm also changing my setting from receiving all emails where other members wanted theirs emailed, to receiving none unless you direct email me. I believe in leaving the judging up to God and the professionals. It's not for me to judge a person or their behavior. I'm just so overwhelmed, stressed and depressed because I can't figure out how to take a handle on our situation I thought sharing it would give me some insight not make me out to be a big meanie....and the sex post, I'll remove it too...I just don't know where my family falls on the spectrum...I've lost sight of who I am and am quickly loosing sight of who my family is. Again, sorry to those I've offended. Kandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 2, 2008 Report Share Posted February 2, 2008 HI Kandy You haven't offended me! I am NS (Not on the autistic spectrum).In this group we have had flare ups in the past where the phrase " AS-bashing " or similar has been used. These times do pass! Very few people who join here want to express hatred, scorn, or vitriol. They come here for support and sharing, as you have done. Understanding our differences isn't easy, (to put it mildly) and you seem to have a double or triple whammy with the bipolar dis. and ADD thrown in, as well as your children and their conditions and needs to attend to. My partner rarely has meltdowns, but he has " cold fronts " and when these happen I get the hell out of the way, sometimes for hours. I don't know if you can do the same, but i find that removing the attention and focus lessens the impact of his moods and it makes me feel safer too, even if it means stopping whatever I was doing. We have talked about getting a large shed/garden room built in our garden. Then we wouldn't both have to be in the house at once. Do YOU have somewhere to go, maybe with the children? As for the sex poll, I was not offended but did not reply, because there wasn't a box that said " once every few years " . You will stay in my thoughts, Kandy, even if you have decided to lie low on ASPIRES for a while. Helena F, 43, NS, England > I guess I should have sat back and watched how you guys communicated > with each other so I wouldn't stir the pot... > I thought this was a place that a person could bring their real life > stories and get good advice from both perspectives... > I guess i should have never just jumped in head first into comments, > posts, and polls... > I have been very emotional and thought some would understand...some > have been wonderful, but I can't handle the thought that I might be > bashing an AS person...I'm nothing like that. I am usually very > cooperative and try to work things out, but I'm at the end of my rope. > I have worked with Autistic children and from what I've read AS has > some similar traits...although varying in intensity or what they may > be, there are still some similarities. > I was not meaning that every AS person has meltdowns, but mine does > and I'm sure that others do too. My situation is probably more > extreme than some because of the bipolar/OCD/ADHD being thrown in the > mix. Also having a 5 yr old with AS/ADHD and seeing similar > behaviors is frustrating for me because I can't get a grip on it. I > know my baby is my baby and I will always have to be there for him. > I want to work things out with my husband, but he's 6 ft 3 and weighs > 300lbs. He has a shaved head, recently an earring, then he removed > it, and has a booming voice. He can be very intimidating. When he > has his meltdowns he acts in a similar way to my 5 yr old. He kicks, > screams and throws things. It's a tantrum...it is bad behavior and > no matter if he has AS or not, it is not acceptable. I do think that > because he gets overstimulated sometimes it causes his meltdowns. > I've spent a lot of time trying to avoid getting him overstimulated > when he gets home because he and the 5 yr old feed off of each other. > I know that not every person with AS is this way and I'm not saying > they are. I just wanted to share my situation and see what advice > anyone has to give. > I'm going to sit back and just read for the next little while. I'm > also changing my setting from receiving all emails where other > members wanted theirs emailed, to receiving none unless you direct > email me. > I believe in leaving the judging up to God and the professionals. > It's not for me to judge a person or their behavior. I'm just so > overwhelmed, stressed and depressed because I can't figure out how to > take a handle on our situation I thought sharing it would give me > some insight not make me out to be a big meanie....and the sex post, > I'll remove it too...I just don't know where my family falls on the > spectrum...I've lost sight of who I am and am quickly loosing sight > of who my family is. > Again, sorry to those I've offended. Kandy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 2, 2008 Report Share Posted February 2, 2008 "I guess I should have sat back and watched how you guys communicated with eachother so I wouldn't stir the pot...I thought this was a place that a personcould bring their real life stories and get good advice from bothperspectives..." Kandy, this is exactly the place to do that. You just have to always remember that there are AS and NT on this list and the same communication problems you have within your relationship are going to occur here between AS and NT. Kandy Writes:"I guess I should have never just jumped in head first intocomments, posts, and polls... I have been very emotional and thought some wouldunderstand...some have been wonderful, but I can't handle the thought that Imight be bashing an AS person...I'm nothing like that. I am usually verycooperative and try to work things out, but I'm at the end of my rope." Anita Responds:Been there, done that…..got the t-shirt. I jumped in to comments and posts too because I was at the end of my rope. I too felt that the tone was that I was bashing AS and there isn't one corpuscle in me that would ever do that. NT on the list are going to understand and relate much easier. Remember, NT come in here and talk about how their lives are amess because of AS. The AS on the list surely must have a hard time listening to how they are being assigned responsibility for the mess. For NT's it's emotional, it's about intimacy, it's about not feeling loved, it's about feeling excluded.For AS it's not emotional or not as emotional..... it's about figuring out a way to peer into the world of NT and try to mimic NT behavior, coupled with a deep desire to just be left alone to be AS. In my life, I've called this the: "go away, come closer" AS dilemma. <snip> Kandy Writes:"I want to work things out with my husband, but he's 6 ft 3 and weighs 300lbs.He has a shaved head, recently an earring, then he removed it, and has a booming voice. He can be very intimidating. When he has his meltdown she acts in a similar way to my 5 yr old. He kicks, screams and throws things.It's a tantrum...it is bad behavior and no matter if he has AS or not, it is not acceptable. I do think that because he gets overstimulated sometimes it causes his meltdowns. I've spent a lot of time trying to avoid getting him over stimulated when he gets home because he and the 5 yr old feed off of each other. I know that not every person with AS is this way and I'm not saying they are. I just wanted to share my situation and see what advice anyone has to give. I'm going to sit back and just read for the next little while. I'm also changing my setting from receiving all emails where other members wanted theirs emailed, to receiving none unless you direct email me." Anita Responds: I don't know if having a tantrum is bad behavior or just the result of being overwhelmed with thoughts and activity inside his own head. I'm not AS and there have been times I just threw a dish or two into the sink and the pieces were everywhere. Was that bad behavior? I don't know. I do know things can come to the point where one runs out ofrational solutions to what feels like a wholly irrational relationship.I think, AS have insane days too. They just run out of acceptable ways to express frustration. I hate calling it bad behavior as if people are puppies that need a good smack on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. AS is a neurological problem and is WAY more complicated than bad behavior.Kandy Writes:"I believe in leaving the judging up to God and the professionals. It's not for me to judge a person or their behavior. I'm just so overwhelmed, stressed and depressed because I can't figure out how to take a handle on our situation I thought sharing it would give me some insight not make me out to be a big meanie....and the sex post, I'll remove it too...I just don't know where my family falls on the spectrum...I've lost sight of who I am and am quickly loosing sight of who my family is. Again, sorry to those I've offended. Anita Responds: Sigh. You're apologizing again. The things you write about are real. The feelings you have about those things are real. Sexuality is intimate and is very much a part of a healthy relationship. If there are people here who don't understand that, that's their problem. But you are entitled to discuss the WHOLE of your life, not just the parts that others feel comfortable discussing. As far as the poll. You did something similar to what I did. You opened a poll in an attempt to try to get some data regarding the frequency of how many people in AS/NT or AS/AS relationships enjoy their sexuality. There was nothing wrong with opening a poll. I "think" the wrong about it was that you took the initiative to open the poll. That isn't something that I've seen happen here over the 4 months I've been subscribed. The last poll taken is dated 2004. Back a few months ago, I added the text of DSM-IV criteria for Asperger's and related spectrum disorders to the "Files" area of this group. The text of it was postedby another participant here. The text was an exact duplicate of the online DSM-IV text. I put it in the files area. I didn't notice the signature line of the person who originally posted this information at the very very bottom, so it got posted in the FILES area as well.He aimed and fired telling me I had some nerve putting the DSM-IV criteria in the files section with his name at the bottom. Another example of AS communication. He could have just sent me an email that said, "pssssssst, you forgot to take my signature line off the bottom!" I would have said, "oh, I'll take care of that right away." That wasn't where he was coming from though. I took the file down, probably feeling the same way you did when you took the poll down.These are great example of an NT concession to impossible AS/NT communication difficulties. Notice there are no entries in the "Files" area to this day. Including the basic information of the DSM-IV criteria. This is what most NT's describe as the utter frustration in interaction with AS. Some might want to call this bashing. There is no bashing here, it is the very, very gut wrenching truth about why many of us have problems in these relationships. Even electronic relationships on a discussion forum.This, in a microcosm is what an AS/NT relationship looks and feels like. NT are action oriented. They "feel" a situation. If it can help others, they will act onit. If they can help themselves they will act on it. For NT's it's about ACTION because most NT's will do anything to relieve the pain, suffering and misery, and they'll keep going until they get a positive result. Or, they will be beaten to the ground until they have to make some very painful decisions about how they are going to spend the rest of their lives. AS causes social paralysis in many ways. Some on the list have been able to mitigate some of this paralysis in ways that allow them to interact with NT very, verywell. Others manage AS in ways that don't have them wandering into the NT world too often, or if they do it's on their terms. Nothing wrong with any of this, btw.Some on the list will tell you straight out, how most of the concessions in the relationship will come from the NT side. Others are getting divorces and/or separations because they can't navigate a relationship that isn't wholly reciprocal. Please stop apologizing for being NT, being in trouble emotionally and having a lot on your plate. Just as there is no expectation that AS will apologize for being AS. It is, what it is. Regards,Anita 55 NT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 2, 2008 Report Share Posted February 2, 2008 srabande wrote: > > " I guess I should have sat back and watched how you guys communicated > with eachother so I wouldn't stir the pot...I thought this was a place > that a personcould bring their real life stories and get good advice > from bothperspectives... " > > Kandy, this is exactly the place to do that. You just have to always > remember that there are AS and NT on this list and the same > communication problems you have within your relationship are going to > occur here between AS and NT. [ snip, for brevity ] And *that*: " ...on this list " having " ...the same communication problems " , is the singular and maybe *unique* value of ASPIRES. Both kinds of critters (AS and NT), can interact in a " safe " environment. Each can take from the interactions whatever is meaningful to them WITHOUT actually being subjected to real harm. We (AS) can't *reach* you (NT), nor can you actually reach/touch us with anything more harmful than the printed word. To that extent, ASPIRES is a laboratory environment. One in which the worst harm to any of us, NT or AS, is a tongue-lashing. This has been ASPIRES' value to _me_, ...interacting with NTs in that safe environment. Seeing, hearing *your* distress as an instructive ancillary to that of my own sainted wife. Other AS, Greg? for one example, seem to be doing the same. > > Back a few months ago, I added the text of DSM-IV criteria for > Asperger's and related spectrum disorders to the " Files " area of this > group. The text of it was postedby another participant here. The text > was an *exact* duplicate of the online DSM-IV text. I put it in the > files area. I didn't notice the signature line of the person who > originally posted this information at the very very bottom, so it got > posted in the FILES area as well. > > He aimed and fired telling me I had some nerve putting the DSM-IV > criteria in the files section with his name at the bottom. That was me. Mea culpa. Sorry. Seriously. > Another > example of AS communication. He could have just sent me an email that > said, " pssssssst, you forgot to take my signature line off the bottom! " > I would have said, " oh, I'll take care of that right away. " > > That wasn't where he was coming from though. I took the file down, > probably feeling the same way you did when you took the poll down. I suggest you put it back up (sans my name of course <grin>), as it would be very useful. It *should* be available to ASPIRES' folk. There should be much more. In due course my own web pages will be rebuilt (don't hold your breath) and will help close the gaps. Thereon is a compendium of the non-DSM criteria; and the more useful " emerging " criteria in play today among mental-health professionals. [ snip ] > There is no > bashing here, it is the very, very gut wrenching truth about why many of > us have problems in these relationships. Even electronic relationships > on a discussion forum. > > This, in a microcosm is what an AS/NT relationship looks and feels > like. [ snip ] > AS causes social paralysis in many ways. Some on the list have been > able to mitigate some of this paralysis in ways that allow them to > interact with NT very, very well. Others manage AS in ways that don't > have them wandering into the NT world too often, or if they do it's on > their terms. Nothing wrong with any of this, btw. > > Some on the list will tell you straight out, how most of the concessions > in the relationship will come from the NT side. Others are getting > divorces and/or separations because they can't navigate a relationship > that isn't wholly reciprocal. A few (too few), have succeeded in *stabilizing* their marriages *without* submerging their essential selves. ...Even to the point of genuine marital recovery. > > Please stop apologizing for being NT, being in trouble emotionally and > having a lot on your plate. Just as there is no expectation that AS > will apologize for being AS. Hear, hear! Second that! > > It is, what it is. AS *and* NT, alike. > > Regards, > > Anita 55 NT Welcome back Anita. You're an amazing woman. (Said with the kindest and most respectful intentions possible!!!) - Bill, 75, AS; ... " stabilized " 2 years and counting (40 years married) -- WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 2, 2008 Report Share Posted February 2, 2008 Dear Kandy... please don't take these communiction struggles personally.  You have nothing to apologise for.  I have been here long enough to observe this cycle and even been in it myslef at first.  We NTs are more emotional than AS in general ,that is what causes the misunderstandings.  I find AS to be very literal and logical and often threatened by emotion, which some simply do not access.   this is the cycle.. Nt person comes to the site in desperation.  NT vents, wails and rents clothing.  A As person criticises in a way that is hurtful to the NT.  NT gets angry and leaves site.  I think you have been hurt  and are at the leaving stage.  Please consider staying , just read the posts for a while and take the info that is useful, ignore that which is not.  Just because one person SEEMS offended does not mean that they really are.  And there are many of us who are trying to learn and we need YOU .... please consider returning your settings back to where they were.  Just read for a while , respond when you feel strong enough... I really believe we can help each other.   I have learned a lot just by reading the posts when they conflict ... and then observing how they are settled.  About that time, the cycle begins again.  Please stay... Janet ZEE who cares.I guess I should have sat back and watched how you guys communicated with each other so I wouldn't stir the pot...I thought this was a place that a person could bring their real life stories and get good advice from both perspectives...I guess i should have never just jumped in head first into comments, posts, and polls...I have been very emotional and thought some would understand...some have been wonderful, but I can't handle the thought that I might be bashing an AS person...I'm nothing like that. I am usually very cooperative and try to work things out, but I'm at the end of my rope.I have worked with Autistic children and from what I've read AS has some similar traits...although varying in intensity or what they may be, there are still some similarities. I was not meaning that every AS person has meltdowns, but mine does and I'm sure that others do too. My situation is probably more extreme than some because of the bipolar/OCD/ADHD being thrown in the mix. Also having a 5 yr old with AS/ADHD and seeing similar behaviors is frustrating for me because I can't get a grip on it. I know my baby is my baby and I will always have to be there for him. I want to work things out with my husband, but he's 6 ft 3 and weighs 300lbs. He has a shaved head, recently an earring, then he removed it, and has a booming voice. He can be very intimidating. When he has his meltdowns he acts in a similar way to my 5 yr old. He kicks, screams and throws things. It's a tantrum...it is bad behavior and no matter if he has AS or not, it is not acceptable. I do think that because he gets overstimulated sometimes it causes his meltdowns. I've spent a lot of time trying to avoid getting him overstimulated when he gets home because he and the 5 yr old feed off of each other. I know that not every person with AS is this way and I'm not saying they are. I just wanted to share my situation and see what advice anyone has to give. I'm going to sit back and just read for the next little while. I'm also changing my setting from receiving all emails where other members wanted theirs emailed, to receiving none unless you direct email me. I believe in leaving the judging up to God and the professionals. It's not for me to judge a person or their behavior. I'm just so overwhelmed, stressed and depressed because I can't figure out how to take a handle on our situation I thought sharing it would give me some insight not make me out to be a big meanie....and the sex post, I'll remove it too...I just don't know where my family falls on the spectrum...I've lost sight of who I am and am quickly loosing sight of who my family is.Again, sorry to those I've offended. Kandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 I am interested in hearing from the peeps who have goen beyond stabilizing their marraiges to the point of genuine marital recovery... jkz stabilizing. srabande wrote:> > "I guess I should have sat back and watched how you guys communicated > with eachother so I wouldn't stir the pot...I thought this was a place > that a personcould bring their real life stories and get good advice > from bothperspectives..."> > Kandy, this is exactly the place to do that. You just have to always > remember that there are AS and NT on this list and the same > communication problems you have within your relationship are going to > occur here between AS and NT. [ snip, for brevity ]And *that*: "...on this list" having "...the same communication problems", is the singular and maybe *unique* value of ASPIRES.Both kinds of critters (AS and NT), can interact in a "safe" environment. Each can take from the interactions whatever is meaningful to them WITHOUT actually being subjected to real harm.We (AS) can't *reach* you (NT), nor can you actually reach/touch us with anything more harmful than the printed word.To that extent, ASPIRES is a laboratory environment. One in which the worst harm to any of us, NT or AS, is a tongue-lashing.This has been ASPIRES' value to _me_, ...interacting with NTs in that safe environment. Seeing, hearing *your* distress as an instructive ancillary to that of my own sainted wife. Other AS, Greg? for one example, seem to be doing the same.> > Back a few months ago, I added the text of DSM-IV criteria for > Asperger's and related spectrum disorders to the "Files" area of this > group. The text of it was postedby another participant here. The text > was an *exact* duplicate of the online DSM-IV text. I put it in the > files area. I didn't notice the signature line of the person who > originally posted this information at the very very bottom, so it got > posted in the FILES area as well.> > He aimed and fired telling me I had some nerve putting the DSM-IV > criteria in the files section with his name at the bottom.That was me. Mea culpa. Sorry. Seriously.> Another > example of AS communication. He could have just sent me an email that > said, "pssssssst, you forgot to take my signature line off the bottom!" > I would have said, "oh, I'll take care of that right away." > > That wasn't where he was coming from though. I took the file down, > probably feeling the same way you did when you took the poll down.I suggest you put it back up (sans my name of course <grin>), as it would be very useful. It *should* be available to ASPIRES' folk.There should be much more.In due course my own web pages will be rebuilt (don't hold your breath) and will help close the gaps. Thereon is a compendium of the non-DSM criteria; and the more useful "emerging" criteria in play today among mental-health professionals.[ snip ]> There is no > bashing here, it is the very, very gut wrenching truth about why many of > us have problems in these relationships. Even electronic relationships > on a discussion forum.> > This, in a microcosm is what an AS/NT relationship looks and feels > like.[ snip ]> AS causes social paralysis in many ways. Some on the list have been > able to mitigate some of this paralysis in ways that allow them to > interact with NT very, very well. Others manage AS in ways that don't > have them wandering into the NT world too often, or if they do it's on > their terms. Nothing wrong with any of this, btw.> > Some on the list will tell you straight out, how most of the concessions > in the relationship will come from the NT side. Others are getting > divorces and/or separations because they can't navigate a relationship > that isn't wholly reciprocal.A few (too few), have succeeded in *stabilizing* their marriages *without* submerging their essential selves. ...Even to the point of genuine marital recovery.> > Please stop apologizing for being NT, being in trouble emotionally and > having a lot on your plate. Just as there is no expectation that AS > will apologize for being AS.Hear, hear! Second that!> > It is, what it is.AS *and* NT, alike.> > Regards,> > Anita 55 NTWelcome back Anita. You're an amazing woman. (Said with the kindest and most respectful intentions possible!!!)- Bill, 75, AS; ..."stabilized" 2 years and counting (40 years married)-- WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USAhttp://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 At the risk of not lying low enough at this point in my tenure on this list and speaking of what I know not... I would venture to guess that nearly everyone who comes to this list is in crisis. Or at least having a stressful moment in our lives...If things were well and good in our relationships, we would probably just be enjoying our partners, not looking for listservs. Given the nature of AS, I would also venture that most of the NTs coming here have had at least a few months, if not years, of not being understood and feeling like maybe they were crazy. At our best, we are probably...well, not at our best. At our worst, we are half crazed. Definitely, we are not our usual selves. We are so desperate for understanding, that when we FINALLY connect with people who actually understand, or at least we assume understand, we are so relieved that we just let everything out, probably not in the most rational or logical fashion. This desperate person is not someone we want to be. However, that is who we are in that moment. Maybe this could all be a learning experience that could be remembered the next time someone new -- and likely desperate and not at their best -- comes here in a crisis and " let's it all hang out. " There have been posts going back and forth about AS " not being able to help " certain behavior. For me, being aware of this certainly engenders a more sympathetic attitude towards my partner. Maybe frantic NT behavior could be seen the same way -- in that moment, we may be disturbing and inappropriate, but we just can't help it. Anyway that's my two cents. Maybe more like a dime's worth. -- In aspires-relationships , Janet Zimmerman wrote: > > > Dear Kandy... please don't take these communiction struggles > personally. You have nothing to apologise for. I have been here > long enough to observe this cycle and even been in it myslef at > first. We NTs are more emotional than AS in general ,that is what > causes the misunderstandings. I find AS to be very literal and > logical and often threatened by emotion, which some simply do not > access. > > this is the cycle.. Nt person comes to the site in desperation. NT > vents, wails and rents clothing. A As person criticises in a way > that is hurtful to the NT. NT gets angry and leaves site. I think > you have been hurt and are at the leaving stage. Please consider > staying , just read the posts for a while and take the info that is > useful, ignore that which is not. > > Just because one person SEEMS offended does not mean that they really > are. And there are many of us who are trying to learn and we need > YOU .... please consider returning your settings back to where they > were. Just read for a while , respond when you feel strong enough... > I really believe we can help each other. > > I have learned a lot just by reading the posts when they conflict ... > and then observing how they are settled. About that time, the cycle > begins again. Please stay... Janet ZEE who cares. > > > > I guess I should have sat back and watched how you guys communicated > > with each other so I wouldn't stir the pot... > > I thought this was a place that a person could bring their real life > > stories and get good advice from both perspectives... > > I guess i should have never just jumped in head first into comments, > > posts, and polls... > > I have been very emotional and thought some would understand...some > > have been wonderful, but I can't handle the thought that I might be > > bashing an AS person...I'm nothing like that. I am usually very > > cooperative and try to work things out, but I'm at the end of my rope. > > I have worked with Autistic children and from what I've read AS has > > some similar traits...although varying in intensity or what they may > > be, there are still some similarities. > > I was not meaning that every AS person has meltdowns, but mine does > > and I'm sure that others do too. My situation is probably more > > extreme than some because of the bipolar/OCD/ADHD being thrown in the > > mix. Also having a 5 yr old with AS/ADHD and seeing similar > > behaviors is frustrating for me because I can't get a grip on it. I > > know my baby is my baby and I will always have to be there for him. > > I want to work things out with my husband, but he's 6 ft 3 and weighs > > 300lbs. He has a shaved head, recently an earring, then he removed > > it, and has a booming voice. He can be very intimidating. When he > > has his meltdowns he acts in a similar way to my 5 yr old. He kicks, > > screams and throws things. It's a tantrum...it is bad behavior and > > no matter if he has AS or not, it is not acceptable. I do think that > > because he gets overstimulated sometimes it causes his meltdowns. > > I've spent a lot of time trying to avoid getting him overstimulated > > when he gets home because he and the 5 yr old feed off of each other. > > I know that not every person with AS is this way and I'm not saying > > they are. I just wanted to share my situation and see what advice > > anyone has to give. > > I'm going to sit back and just read for the next little while. I'm > > also changing my setting from receiving all emails where other > > members wanted theirs emailed, to receiving none unless you direct > > email me. > > I believe in leaving the judging up to God and the professionals. > > It's not for me to judge a person or their behavior. I'm just so > > overwhelmed, stressed and depressed because I can't figure out how to > > take a handle on our situation I thought sharing it would give me > > some insight not make me out to be a big meanie....and the sex post, > > I'll remove it too...I just don't know where my family falls on the > > spectrum...I've lost sight of who I am and am quickly loosing sight > > of who my family is. > > Again, sorry to those I've offended. Kandy > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 BTW -- the tone of this message should be read as " genuinely hoping to promote better understanding, " sent with an open mind and heart. I probably should have put a in there somewhere. > > > > > I guess I should have sat back and watched how you guys > communicated > > > with each other so I wouldn't stir the pot... > > > I thought this was a place that a person could bring their real > life > > > stories and get good advice from both perspectives... > > > I guess i should have never just jumped in head first into > comments, > > > posts, and polls... > > > I have been very emotional and thought some would > understand...some > > > have been wonderful, but I can't handle the thought that I might > be > > > bashing an AS person...I'm nothing like that. I am usually very > > > cooperative and try to work things out, but I'm at the end of my > rope. > > > I have worked with Autistic children and from what I've read AS > has > > > some similar traits...although varying in intensity or what they > may > > > be, there are still some similarities. > > > I was not meaning that every AS person has meltdowns, but mine > does > > > and I'm sure that others do too. My situation is probably more > > > extreme than some because of the bipolar/OCD/ADHD being thrown in > the > > > mix. Also having a 5 yr old with AS/ADHD and seeing similar > > > behaviors is frustrating for me because I can't get a grip on it. > I > > > know my baby is my baby and I will always have to be there for > him. > > > I want to work things out with my husband, but he's 6 ft 3 and > weighs > > > 300lbs. He has a shaved head, recently an earring, then he removed > > > it, and has a booming voice. He can be very intimidating. When he > > > has his meltdowns he acts in a similar way to my 5 yr old. He > kicks, > > > screams and throws things. It's a tantrum...it is bad behavior and > > > no matter if he has AS or not, it is not acceptable. I do think > that > > > because he gets overstimulated sometimes it causes his meltdowns. > > > I've spent a lot of time trying to avoid getting him > overstimulated > > > when he gets home because he and the 5 yr old feed off of each > other. > > > I know that not every person with AS is this way and I'm not > saying > > > they are. I just wanted to share my situation and see what advice > > > anyone has to give. > > > I'm going to sit back and just read for the next little while. I'm > > > also changing my setting from receiving all emails where other > > > members wanted theirs emailed, to receiving none unless you direct > > > email me. > > > I believe in leaving the judging up to God and the professionals. > > > It's not for me to judge a person or their behavior. I'm just so > > > overwhelmed, stressed and depressed because I can't figure out > how to > > > take a handle on our situation I thought sharing it would give me > > > some insight not make me out to be a big meanie....and the sex > post, > > > I'll remove it too...I just don't know where my family falls on > the > > > spectrum...I've lost sight of who I am and am quickly loosing > sight > > > of who my family is. > > > Again, sorry to those I've offended. Kandy > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 Tenure.. this aien't any college or university except maybe for the school of hard times/knocks LOL Tenure, menure, big deal.. one thing I learned about a group as this.. doesn't matter how much education I have or don't have... I went posting on this group within a day after I got here and I haven't stopped much since that time. I was in crisis when I came here and such. Yes, you are correct about finding support with people who we connect with and such, . Ok, so it could have been a dollar's worth, but who cares, right? LOL > > > > > I guess I should have sat back and watched how you guys > communicated > > > with each other so I wouldn't stir the pot... > > > I thought this was a place that a person could bring their real > life > > > stories and get good advice from both perspectives... > > > I guess i should have never just jumped in head first into > comments, > > > posts, and polls... > > > I have been very emotional and thought some would > understand...some > > > have been wonderful, but I can't handle the thought that I might > be > > > bashing an AS person...I'm nothing like that. I am usually very > > > cooperative and try to work things out, but I'm at the end of my > rope. > > > I have worked with Autistic children and from what I've read AS > has > > > some similar traits...although varying in intensity or what they > may > > > be, there are still some similarities. > > > I was not meaning that every AS person has meltdowns, but mine > does > > > and I'm sure that others do too. My situation is probably more > > > extreme than some because of the bipolar/OCD/ADHD being thrown in > the > > > mix. Also having a 5 yr old with AS/ADHD and seeing similar > > > behaviors is frustrating for me because I can't get a grip on it. > I > > > know my baby is my baby and I will always have to be there for > him. > > > I want to work things out with my husband, but he's 6 ft 3 and > weighs > > > 300lbs. He has a shaved head, recently an earring, then he removed > > > it, and has a booming voice. He can be very intimidating. When he > > > has his meltdowns he acts in a similar way to my 5 yr old. He > kicks, > > > screams and throws things. It's a tantrum...it is bad behavior and > > > no matter if he has AS or not, it is not acceptable. I do think > that > > > because he gets overstimulated sometimes it causes his meltdowns. > > > I've spent a lot of time trying to avoid getting him > overstimulated > > > when he gets home because he and the 5 yr old feed off of each > other. > > > I know that not every person with AS is this way and I'm not > saying > > > they are. I just wanted to share my situation and see what advice > > > anyone has to give. > > > I'm going to sit back and just read for the next little while. I'm > > > also changing my setting from receiving all emails where other > > > members wanted theirs emailed, to receiving none unless you direct > > > email me. > > > I believe in leaving the judging up to God and the professionals. > > > It's not for me to judge a person or their behavior. I'm just so > > > overwhelmed, stressed and depressed because I can't figure out > how to > > > take a handle on our situation I thought sharing it would give me > > > some insight not make me out to be a big meanie....and the sex > post, > > > I'll remove it too...I just don't know where my family falls on > the > > > spectrum...I've lost sight of who I am and am quickly loosing > sight > > > of who my family is. > > > Again, sorry to those I've offended. Kandy > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 "I suggest you put it back up [the DSM-IV into the FILES section ofthis group] (sans my name of course <grin>), as it would be very useful. It *should* be available to ASPIRES' folk.There should be much more. In due course my own web pages will berebuilt (don't hold your breath) and will help close the gaps. Thereon is a compendium of the non-DSM criteria; and the more useful"emerging" criteria in play today among mental-health professionals."> [ snip ]"Welcome back Anita. You're an amazing woman. (Said with the kindestand most respectful intentions possible!!!)"Thank you Bill. That was some rough going between us over this file. The DSM-IV file will be useful to some degree an it should be upthere. You are right though, there should be much, much more in thefiles section for this group. There are links offered on this forum all the time, that areincredibly informative and topical. It would be wonderful to be ableto go back and read all of them, or refer to them in our writtenexchanges.I "think" (never can know for sure) some of the NT emotional maniathat the new subscribers bring (myself being one of them) ~could~ bedirected to specific files in the "files" section that contain theGEMS many people have written on this forum. That aggressive "need"NT's exhibit when they first arrive here (myself being one of them)might be satisfied, perhaps in part by reading selected posts thatwill help them feel they aren't alone. Once they are able to do somearchive reading that is topical, like: Am I Alone? Am I nuts? WhatAbout Sex? Responsibility? All of those things and more. I'm going to say something that might be totally stupid here AND itmight be colored by my own relationship...so fair warning...potentialignorance is about to be typed!I haven't seen mania-type postings by new people who are AS. Doesthis mean it hasn't historically happened that way, or does it meanthat new AS who come to the list have such a different approach itisn't noticed? Or am I not noticing? Are there (or have there) beennewly diagnosed AS who came in here flipped out asking more abouttheir own diagnosis?I ask this because I'd like to see so much more information in thefiles area and my impression is much of the AS conversation I've seenhere is in explanation to NT about what AS is about. I've not seen ASexplaining to AS what AS is about? Ok...maybe I missed the pointentirely and it's all the same. Anyway, I REALLY would like to see what might be called a"Decompression" zone in the files area for new (and highly charged)NT's to the group. Thanks for the welcome back, Bill. I don't know if I qualify for themoniker "amazing" but coming from you, I'll take that as a highcompliment :-)Regards,Anita 55 NT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 howlingfarmer wrote: > Anyway that's my two cents. Maybe more like a dime's worth. > > For goodness sake when will you people take internationalisation as seriously as spelling that word took me. The standard is yen and won, so you can wont and yen to your heart's content. Hankering, well, the sex poll does the panky. For information's sake Aspires is Asperger's and the group suffers frequent meltdowns. The sky is up folks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 Janet Zimmerman wrote: > I am interested in hearing from the peeps who have goen beyond > stabilizing their marraiges to the point of genuine marital recovery... > jkz stabilizing. I'm interested too. My principle purpose in being on this list at all has been to share the things my wife and I have found to work. They've been effective for some; ...I know from a few off-list private emails. But I've not gotten so many. The List itself doesn't get so many either. Most of us don't just pop up and holler " thanks " . But it *does* leave a gap. Most urgently I hope it's not just the few. " In other news... " I want to clarify what I meant by " marital recovery " . Too many possible meanings; mine may not be yours. My wife and I aren't " average " people, and our marriage never was " average " either. Though neither of us are religious, both of us have strong moral persuasions. In my case Mennonite-derived, in hers it was Unitarian (her father was a pastor). Though we both really like people, and had good but low-key social lives as young adults, each of us has strong " loner " tendencies. Having a large " personal space " is mandatory. Each of us could be described as " academic " . She because she was raised as a " Cal Tech brat " ; I because, well, I became an academic. The " academic " life-style both colors one's world-view, *and* shapes how one interacts with the world and those who populate it. She was not the archetypical " ditzy blonde social butterfly " ; I was not the " Joe-college macho stud " looking to get rich after getting an MBA. (No offense meant to ditzy blondes, macho studs and MBAs.) Neither of needed, wanted, or expected the prototypical symbols of success: the vine-covered suburban cottage, white-picket fence, two cars and above-average kids; with a swirling social life. We did need, want and expect a comfortable enough life. With genuine _loving companionship_ which recognized and supported each of our uniquely personal needs. Both of us expected that a good marriage required both some hard work, and *life-long* maintenance. And so we married. In a few years we had a nice house, decent incomes, no special burdens and were viewed by our friends both as happily married and " satisfied " with our lives. We were in fact *very* happy, in our own low-key kind of way, ...and satisfied. --> It's *this* marriage I mean when I talk about " marital recovery " . The one *we* had; maybe not the same as yours. It's restoration of _loving companionship_, with respect for and satisfaction of our separate personal needs. Nothing more, or less. In fact our rosy life all came unglued within a short time. Thirty-seven years later we were both *intensely* UNhappy, in all the ways you read about on ASPIRES. ...Moments away from divorce, from throwing it all away. What went wrong? I was AS; neither of us knew it. Nature took its course. > > >> srabande wrote: >>> wrote: >>> " I guess I should have sat back and watched how you guys communicated >>> with each other so I wouldn't stir the pot...I thought this was a place >>> that a person could bring their real life stories and get good advice >>> from both perspectives... " >>> >>> Kandy, this is exactly the place to do that. You just have to always >>> remember that there are AS and NT on this list and the same >>> communication problems you have within your relationship are going to >>> occur here between AS and NT. >> [ snip, for brevity ] [ snip ] >> A few (too few), have succeeded in *stabilizing* their marriages >> *without* submerging their essential selves. ...Even to the point of >> genuine marital recovery. [ snip ] >> - Bill, 75, AS; ... " stabilized " 2 years and counting (40 years married) [ snip ] -- WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 Yep the sky is full of all kinds of colors.. > > > Anyway that's my two cents. Maybe more like a dime's worth. > > > > > > For goodness sake when will you people take internationalisation as > seriously as spelling that word took me. > > The standard is yen and won, so you can wont and yen to your heart's > content. Hankering, well, the sex poll does the panky. > > For information's sake Aspires is Asperger's and the group suffers > frequent meltdowns. > > The sky is up folks. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 > > > I have learned a lot just by reading the posts when they conflict ... > and then observing how they are settled. About that time, the cycle > begins again. Please stay... Janet ZEE who cares. Amen Janet! This is exactly what I have done to understand myself and the group better. I am excited to share that after joining this forum in November, I am still coming back to this lifeline. I have never been able to do this anywhere else, because the AS/NT relationship has so many idiosyncracies to understand that other groups were just not relatable. I am grateful for everyone who keeps coming back to share their questions and qualms in this relatively safe environment. It is an excellent " experiment " . Sharon- hanging by a thread, but still holding on Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2008 Report Share Posted February 6, 2008 Verleen wrote: > Okay Bill, loved your story, but where is part 2? How did you recover > from " Moments away from divorce, from throwing it all away " ? > > Verleen, who is hanging on the cliff > Part 2? The *entirety* of the story is on my web site. The URL always has been in my sig-line at the very bottom of all my posts. For convenience: http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm The NON-Asperger stuff all is available still , as is the longish one-page mini-bio of my *Aspergian* self. That's reached from the main (entry/welcome) page by 'clicking' in the line: " Please meet the Aspergian adult (me) behind all the above. " In fact though, I " took down " all the *other* Asperger-related sub-pages awhile ago. So's to augment and amplify things I believe would be useful to others. Some are more important than I first thought. Much of that " very important " stuff simply was unfinished, including a kind of FAQ page, or Q-and-A if you will, which will put a *lot* more meat on the bones of my AS main-page. ...Footnotes, kind of. That's still " down " ; It will be big/long, and I've not had time yet to do it justice. Y'know?: The " Honey, DO! " list. In time I'll re-work my Asperger mini-bio too. For now, it should satisfy most visitors' curiosity. Voyeurs: ...it has photos. - Bill, 75, AS > > >>>I am interested in hearing from the peeps who have goen beyond >>>stabilizing their marraiges to the point of genuine marital recovery... > >>>jkz stabilizing. >> >>I'm interested too. My principle purpose in being on this list at all >>has been to share the things my wife and I have found to work. They've >>been effective for some; ...I know from a few off-list private emails. >> But I've not gotten so many. The List itself doesn't get so many either. [ snip ] - Bill, 75, AS -- WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2008 Report Share Posted February 7, 2008 > > > > > >> this is the cycle.. Nt person comes to the site in desperation. NT > > vents, wails and rents clothing. A As person criticises in a way > > that is hurtful to the NT. NT gets angry and leaves site. I think > > you have been hurt and are at the leaving stage. Please consider > > staying , just read the posts for a while and take the info that is > > useful, ignore that which is not. > > > > > Janet, well said. I've been reading pages of posts and what you said > seems to describe what I've been reading. > > Kandy, I too hope you will stay and add to our lively mix here. > Okay, all the NTs go to your corner! ASs, go to yours. Will > someone ring the bell please. LOL. Just some more of my humor, sad > that it is. Verleen > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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