Guest guest Posted November 21, 2004 Report Share Posted November 21, 2004 Debi, You and your MIL have to learn a balancing act w/ Allie. Yes, your MIL needs to respect Allie's comfort zones, and make her comfortable in moving her slowly (SLOWLY, GENTLY) away from the CZ. If a calming videotape bridges the gap between comfort and a scary- because-its-new experience, then your MIL needs to understand that. But on the other hand, your viewing Allie's tears through the framework of your own childhood memories may be holding you back from nudging Allie OUT of her CZ and into more independence. You might be able to sit down w/ your MIL and say something like, " I think I might want to try something different w/ Allie and overnights at your house, as an experiment to see if the screaming and tears lessen, and I need your help. " And you and your MIL decide one new thing that MIL can " push " (GENTLY) Allie to do sandwiched in between two fun, comfortable CZ things. You begin to leave her for a half an hour, then an hour, then a couple of hours, and in a few months, try an overnight. You may have to positively reinforce your MIL's behavior quite a bit in the beginning. Our homeopath gave me a stern lecture about my needing to learn the difference between what is autism and what is bad behavior in Alyssa. (She has an autistic child, so I let her give me stern lectures because she's been there. *grin*) And I felt like I had to test her theory, and began to quit letting Alyssa " slack " on a lot of issues that I thought she wasn't capable of because of her sensory needs. And guess what? MY daughter had BEHAVIORALLY REINFORCED ME into believing her sensory needs kept her from being obedient in a lot of situations. I am much more bold now about trying something new with Alyssa, and raising the bar higher, and am learning the difference between an autism/sensory/comfort zone issue and a behavioral issue. I'm still a work in progress. I'm interested to see what everyone else has to say. Penny , but my MIL said they were " spoiling that child and not teaching him how to have any level of independence " and it concerned my MIL that the child would grow up so sheltered he would never be able to function. She feels that if they would allow him more independence he will be able to lead a full and productive life, and said her sister agreed with what she said. > > I do not believe my MIL is being mean to her, but I do believe she > is pushing her in ways I would not. > So, those of you who are still with me, lol, what do you think? Am I > being too slacky on Allie? One more twist in the story is that I > remember being forced to stay with my grandparents all summer and > all I wanted was to be at home, in my own room, and be left alone. > My one grandmother in particular favored my brother and I *hated* > being at her house because she had no A/C in Middle TN in the summer and I *hate* being hot. Any advice/thoughts appreciated. > > Debi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2004 Report Share Posted November 21, 2004 Debi, You and your MIL have to learn a balancing act w/ Allie. Yes, your MIL needs to respect Allie's comfort zones, and make her comfortable in moving her slowly (SLOWLY, GENTLY) away from the CZ. If a calming videotape bridges the gap between comfort and a scary- because-its-new experience, then your MIL needs to understand that. But on the other hand, your viewing Allie's tears through the framework of your own childhood memories may be holding you back from nudging Allie OUT of her CZ and into more independence. You might be able to sit down w/ your MIL and say something like, " I think I might want to try something different w/ Allie and overnights at your house, as an experiment to see if the screaming and tears lessen, and I need your help. " And you and your MIL decide one new thing that MIL can " push " (GENTLY) Allie to do sandwiched in between two fun, comfortable CZ things. You begin to leave her for a half an hour, then an hour, then a couple of hours, and in a few months, try an overnight. You may have to positively reinforce your MIL's behavior quite a bit in the beginning. Our homeopath gave me a stern lecture about my needing to learn the difference between what is autism and what is bad behavior in Alyssa. (She has an autistic child, so I let her give me stern lectures because she's been there. *grin*) And I felt like I had to test her theory, and began to quit letting Alyssa " slack " on a lot of issues that I thought she wasn't capable of because of her sensory needs. And guess what? MY daughter had BEHAVIORALLY REINFORCED ME into believing her sensory needs kept her from being obedient in a lot of situations. I am much more bold now about trying something new with Alyssa, and raising the bar higher, and am learning the difference between an autism/sensory/comfort zone issue and a behavioral issue. I'm still a work in progress. I'm interested to see what everyone else has to say. Penny , but my MIL said they were " spoiling that child and not teaching him how to have any level of independence " and it concerned my MIL that the child would grow up so sheltered he would never be able to function. She feels that if they would allow him more independence he will be able to lead a full and productive life, and said her sister agreed with what she said. > > I do not believe my MIL is being mean to her, but I do believe she > is pushing her in ways I would not. > So, those of you who are still with me, lol, what do you think? Am I > being too slacky on Allie? One more twist in the story is that I > remember being forced to stay with my grandparents all summer and > all I wanted was to be at home, in my own room, and be left alone. > My one grandmother in particular favored my brother and I *hated* > being at her house because she had no A/C in Middle TN in the summer and I *hate* being hot. Any advice/thoughts appreciated. > > Debi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2004 Report Share Posted November 21, 2004 Debi, You and your MIL have to learn a balancing act w/ Allie. Yes, your MIL needs to respect Allie's comfort zones, and make her comfortable in moving her slowly (SLOWLY, GENTLY) away from the CZ. If a calming videotape bridges the gap between comfort and a scary- because-its-new experience, then your MIL needs to understand that. But on the other hand, your viewing Allie's tears through the framework of your own childhood memories may be holding you back from nudging Allie OUT of her CZ and into more independence. You might be able to sit down w/ your MIL and say something like, " I think I might want to try something different w/ Allie and overnights at your house, as an experiment to see if the screaming and tears lessen, and I need your help. " And you and your MIL decide one new thing that MIL can " push " (GENTLY) Allie to do sandwiched in between two fun, comfortable CZ things. You begin to leave her for a half an hour, then an hour, then a couple of hours, and in a few months, try an overnight. You may have to positively reinforce your MIL's behavior quite a bit in the beginning. Our homeopath gave me a stern lecture about my needing to learn the difference between what is autism and what is bad behavior in Alyssa. (She has an autistic child, so I let her give me stern lectures because she's been there. *grin*) And I felt like I had to test her theory, and began to quit letting Alyssa " slack " on a lot of issues that I thought she wasn't capable of because of her sensory needs. And guess what? MY daughter had BEHAVIORALLY REINFORCED ME into believing her sensory needs kept her from being obedient in a lot of situations. I am much more bold now about trying something new with Alyssa, and raising the bar higher, and am learning the difference between an autism/sensory/comfort zone issue and a behavioral issue. I'm still a work in progress. I'm interested to see what everyone else has to say. Penny , but my MIL said they were " spoiling that child and not teaching him how to have any level of independence " and it concerned my MIL that the child would grow up so sheltered he would never be able to function. She feels that if they would allow him more independence he will be able to lead a full and productive life, and said her sister agreed with what she said. > > I do not believe my MIL is being mean to her, but I do believe she > is pushing her in ways I would not. > So, those of you who are still with me, lol, what do you think? Am I > being too slacky on Allie? One more twist in the story is that I > remember being forced to stay with my grandparents all summer and > all I wanted was to be at home, in my own room, and be left alone. > My one grandmother in particular favored my brother and I *hated* > being at her house because she had no A/C in Middle TN in the summer and I *hate* being hot. Any advice/thoughts appreciated. > > Debi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2004 Report Share Posted November 22, 2004 Thanks for the advice, Penny. I guess it is time for me to get tough. I used to be such a hard@$$ as a mom and the girls always did so well. Then Allie regressed, I realized she didn't understand, and now I'm too extreme the other way. I gotta find the happy middle somehow, lol. I think some of Allie's behavior might also be the pressure from a class with higher expectations -- but there I go making more excuses, lol. Hubby says I can make any situation work the way I want! Debi > > Debi, > > You and your MIL have to learn a balancing act w/ Allie. Yes, your > MIL needs to respect Allie's comfort zones, and make her comfortable > in moving her slowly (SLOWLY, GENTLY) away from the CZ. If a > calming videotape bridges the gap between comfort and a scary- > because-its-new experience, then your MIL needs to understand that. > But on the other hand, your viewing Allie's tears through the > framework of your own childhood memories may be holding you back > from nudging Allie OUT of her CZ and into more independence. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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