Guest guest Posted May 22, 2001 Report Share Posted May 22, 2001 Thanks for responding! I'm stuck in this wedding and if I tell them AGAIN how I don't want to be in it I'll be trashed by everyone, they already think I'm jealous of my sister which is soooooo far from the truth! My sister and I last saw each other all messed up from a fist fight which she started! I know it sounds terrible that a 25 and 27 would be fighting but I snapped from something she did. We were yelling at each other and I had just about had it with her. I got close to her face and she was scared I guess so she hit me. That's all I needed! From that point on I thought I was going to kill her with my 2 hands. WHY WOULD SHE EVEN WANT ME IN HER WEDDING????? That's not the worst part either..... I'm supposed to be her Maid of Honor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her and I aren't even friends... so I'm just wondering why it's so important for everyone to have ME in it!!! The only time I can recall my sister and I close was when we were little (6-10 years old). When my nada used to beat one of us, we'd go back to our bedroom (we shared a room) and if she got hurt I would hug her and hold her while we both cried, or it would be the other way around. We would sit on one of our beds and sit in front of one another and extend our arms out toward each other and rock each other while crying. There were times when I would tell myself if she hits me again I'm going to hit her back....but that NEVER happened I was alway too scared and too small. I can recall trying to stop my nada from hitting my sister over and over again but then I would be the one getting beat. When I think about it...our little apartment kept sooo many secrets that only my mother, sister and I know about to this day. My nada was divorced when I was 2 years old. I don't remember much of my childhood just small pieces here and there. What I do remember was always getting in trouble, or my mom beating me for something. When I think about it....it brings me to tears because I think I was a good, cute kid and didn't deserve to be beat the way my nada did. If I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night I got yelled at or hit (because she woke up). If I played with her clothes, make-up or jewlery I got beat for TOUCHING HER STUFF! I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom when she was getting ready to go out, even just to pee. SO I would take garbage bags and go into the basement and go then. I was so young when all these things happened. Maybe I shouldn't be typing all these things about my nada because in about 45 minutes I have to see her for the first time in awhile. I don't like my nada much as a person. There's something to this day that still scares me about her. I mean I know she can't physically hurt me anymore but it's hard to put into words... there's jsut something that I fear. One day my nada yelled at me and went to hit me, but this time I got closer to her and didn't flinch. I wanted her to hit me because if she did I was READY to hit her back! After that she never touched me again. It's amazing how much pain we can take and still do! Keetch wrote: Hi , I can really understand how you feel. I, too, spent all my life being the responsible one, held accountable for others mistakes, did all I could for nada and family and still found myself on the crappy end of the stick. That knot in your stomach is a close friend of mine as well. If I understand right, she kicked you out of the house and yet expects you to sit across from her and plan a party? For a sister who has been black listing you, with her support? No wonder you feel as you do! I, too, missed my nada horribly. When she would call to see me, I would allow whatever terms she set. ( couldn't take my girls, had to be in my car, had to pay for the gas if it was a long trip, I think your getting the idea.) I had to stop that way of thinking. I can only suggest what I personally had to do. When my nada invited me to the restaurant I went with an idea of what I wanted to discuss. ( for ex. my sex life was not to be a subject!). I kept her on the subject. I didn't let her veer off into another direction. I told her, at one point when she was really pushing, that I would have to leave if we couldn't talk to each other without being mean. And to be honest with you, I ended up having to get up and walk out, leaving her there. I, too, had my nada tell me that I was jealous of my sister. I see now that that was what she wanted to see and that there was nothing I could say, or do for that matter, to make her see differently. No matter how hard I denied it, she seemed that more determined to see me that way. Banged my head against the wall for years over that one. But one day I read somewhere, opinions are NOT facts. Gave me a different way of looking at things. I decided to live with the facts only. Nada opinions can kill our self respect, our center, our belief in what we feel and see, if we let them. You also have the option of not going. You can buy a gift, and take it to the party or just take it to her. Invite her out for coffee and present it to her. This way you are on your own ground. On your own terms. As for hugs.....please except a warm {{{{{{{{hug}}}}}} from me. Take care kiddo, sick ok...I'm supposed to meet my BPD mother later this evening to plan my sister's wedding shower. I haven't seen my mother in about 3 months, since i was kicked out of my house and left my job. (i used to live and work with my nada) I'm sick over meeting her, I have stomach problems and all my life I wondered why!!! HELLO, it's because all the stress! Anyway, I have no idea what to expect from her today. I'm sure she'll start out nice (but it's all fake) then she'll talk a little about the shower and tell me what I have to do for my sister whom I hate! Then she'll slip some kind of insult or something. I'm so scared to see her, but at the same time I'm happy to see her because i've missed her sooooooo much. I want her to hug me really close to her tightly! But i don't want her to know I'm wanting all that. I'm afraid I'll cry and she'll know how much I've missed her. I have to stay strong because no matter how much i've missed her, I'm still hurt and angry with her and the things to does to make me miserable. I don't know how i'm going to get through this day, I'm so scared she's going to start a fight with me and say all the wrong things. The last time my nada and I spoke over the phone she said to me " is the reason you are always mad and have such a bad attituide, because you're jealous that you've had to share me with your sister? " when she said that i couldn't believe it. Of course it has to be all about HER!!! I'm pissed that i'm the younger one and I've always been the older one with all the older sister responsibilities while my OLDER sister NEVER had to do anything and I did EVERYTHING while always being yelled at!!! My sister has resently been lying about me, telling people about arguments with HER EDITED VERSION! All this time, my mother has been making HER out to be the PERFECT daughter while I'm the screw up...how did things get like this when I've always done everything to please my mother and my sister NEVER did anything...she's soooo selfish and i could go on but i won't! I'm just a mess today and don't know how to handle it. --------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2001 Report Share Posted May 22, 2001 Thanks for responding! I'm stuck in this wedding and if I tell them AGAIN how I don't want to be in it I'll be trashed by everyone, they already think I'm jealous of my sister which is soooooo far from the truth! My sister and I last saw each other all messed up from a fist fight which she started! I know it sounds terrible that a 25 and 27 would be fighting but I snapped from something she did. We were yelling at each other and I had just about had it with her. I got close to her face and she was scared I guess so she hit me. That's all I needed! From that point on I thought I was going to kill her with my 2 hands. WHY WOULD SHE EVEN WANT ME IN HER WEDDING????? That's not the worst part either..... I'm supposed to be her Maid of Honor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her and I aren't even friends... so I'm just wondering why it's so important for everyone to have ME in it!!! The only time I can recall my sister and I close was when we were little (6-10 years old). When my nada used to beat one of us, we'd go back to our bedroom (we shared a room) and if she got hurt I would hug her and hold her while we both cried, or it would be the other way around. We would sit on one of our beds and sit in front of one another and extend our arms out toward each other and rock each other while crying. There were times when I would tell myself if she hits me again I'm going to hit her back....but that NEVER happened I was alway too scared and too small. I can recall trying to stop my nada from hitting my sister over and over again but then I would be the one getting beat. When I think about it...our little apartment kept sooo many secrets that only my mother, sister and I know about to this day. My nada was divorced when I was 2 years old. I don't remember much of my childhood just small pieces here and there. What I do remember was always getting in trouble, or my mom beating me for something. When I think about it....it brings me to tears because I think I was a good, cute kid and didn't deserve to be beat the way my nada did. If I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night I got yelled at or hit (because she woke up). If I played with her clothes, make-up or jewlery I got beat for TOUCHING HER STUFF! I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom when she was getting ready to go out, even just to pee. SO I would take garbage bags and go into the basement and go then. I was so young when all these things happened. Maybe I shouldn't be typing all these things about my nada because in about 45 minutes I have to see her for the first time in awhile. I don't like my nada much as a person. There's something to this day that still scares me about her. I mean I know she can't physically hurt me anymore but it's hard to put into words... there's jsut something that I fear. One day my nada yelled at me and went to hit me, but this time I got closer to her and didn't flinch. I wanted her to hit me because if she did I was READY to hit her back! After that she never touched me again. It's amazing how much pain we can take and still do! Keetch wrote: Hi , I can really understand how you feel. I, too, spent all my life being the responsible one, held accountable for others mistakes, did all I could for nada and family and still found myself on the crappy end of the stick. That knot in your stomach is a close friend of mine as well. If I understand right, she kicked you out of the house and yet expects you to sit across from her and plan a party? For a sister who has been black listing you, with her support? No wonder you feel as you do! I, too, missed my nada horribly. When she would call to see me, I would allow whatever terms she set. ( couldn't take my girls, had to be in my car, had to pay for the gas if it was a long trip, I think your getting the idea.) I had to stop that way of thinking. I can only suggest what I personally had to do. When my nada invited me to the restaurant I went with an idea of what I wanted to discuss. ( for ex. my sex life was not to be a subject!). I kept her on the subject. I didn't let her veer off into another direction. I told her, at one point when she was really pushing, that I would have to leave if we couldn't talk to each other without being mean. And to be honest with you, I ended up having to get up and walk out, leaving her there. I, too, had my nada tell me that I was jealous of my sister. I see now that that was what she wanted to see and that there was nothing I could say, or do for that matter, to make her see differently. No matter how hard I denied it, she seemed that more determined to see me that way. Banged my head against the wall for years over that one. But one day I read somewhere, opinions are NOT facts. Gave me a different way of looking at things. I decided to live with the facts only. Nada opinions can kill our self respect, our center, our belief in what we feel and see, if we let them. You also have the option of not going. You can buy a gift, and take it to the party or just take it to her. Invite her out for coffee and present it to her. This way you are on your own ground. On your own terms. As for hugs.....please except a warm {{{{{{{{hug}}}}}} from me. Take care kiddo, sick ok...I'm supposed to meet my BPD mother later this evening to plan my sister's wedding shower. I haven't seen my mother in about 3 months, since i was kicked out of my house and left my job. (i used to live and work with my nada) I'm sick over meeting her, I have stomach problems and all my life I wondered why!!! HELLO, it's because all the stress! Anyway, I have no idea what to expect from her today. I'm sure she'll start out nice (but it's all fake) then she'll talk a little about the shower and tell me what I have to do for my sister whom I hate! Then she'll slip some kind of insult or something. I'm so scared to see her, but at the same time I'm happy to see her because i've missed her sooooooo much. I want her to hug me really close to her tightly! But i don't want her to know I'm wanting all that. I'm afraid I'll cry and she'll know how much I've missed her. I have to stay strong because no matter how much i've missed her, I'm still hurt and angry with her and the things to does to make me miserable. I don't know how i'm going to get through this day, I'm so scared she's going to start a fight with me and say all the wrong things. The last time my nada and I spoke over the phone she said to me " is the reason you are always mad and have such a bad attituide, because you're jealous that you've had to share me with your sister? " when she said that i couldn't believe it. Of course it has to be all about HER!!! I'm pissed that i'm the younger one and I've always been the older one with all the older sister responsibilities while my OLDER sister NEVER had to do anything and I did EVERYTHING while always being yelled at!!! My sister has resently been lying about me, telling people about arguments with HER EDITED VERSION! All this time, my mother has been making HER out to be the PERFECT daughter while I'm the screw up...how did things get like this when I've always done everything to please my mother and my sister NEVER did anything...she's soooo selfish and i could go on but i won't! I'm just a mess today and don't know how to handle it. --------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2001 Report Share Posted May 22, 2001 Thanks for responding! I'm stuck in this wedding and if I tell them AGAIN how I don't want to be in it I'll be trashed by everyone, they already think I'm jealous of my sister which is soooooo far from the truth! My sister and I last saw each other all messed up from a fist fight which she started! I know it sounds terrible that a 25 and 27 would be fighting but I snapped from something she did. We were yelling at each other and I had just about had it with her. I got close to her face and she was scared I guess so she hit me. That's all I needed! From that point on I thought I was going to kill her with my 2 hands. WHY WOULD SHE EVEN WANT ME IN HER WEDDING????? That's not the worst part either..... I'm supposed to be her Maid of Honor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her and I aren't even friends... so I'm just wondering why it's so important for everyone to have ME in it!!! The only time I can recall my sister and I close was when we were little (6-10 years old). When my nada used to beat one of us, we'd go back to our bedroom (we shared a room) and if she got hurt I would hug her and hold her while we both cried, or it would be the other way around. We would sit on one of our beds and sit in front of one another and extend our arms out toward each other and rock each other while crying. There were times when I would tell myself if she hits me again I'm going to hit her back....but that NEVER happened I was alway too scared and too small. I can recall trying to stop my nada from hitting my sister over and over again but then I would be the one getting beat. When I think about it...our little apartment kept sooo many secrets that only my mother, sister and I know about to this day. My nada was divorced when I was 2 years old. I don't remember much of my childhood just small pieces here and there. What I do remember was always getting in trouble, or my mom beating me for something. When I think about it....it brings me to tears because I think I was a good, cute kid and didn't deserve to be beat the way my nada did. If I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night I got yelled at or hit (because she woke up). If I played with her clothes, make-up or jewlery I got beat for TOUCHING HER STUFF! I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom when she was getting ready to go out, even just to pee. SO I would take garbage bags and go into the basement and go then. I was so young when all these things happened. Maybe I shouldn't be typing all these things about my nada because in about 45 minutes I have to see her for the first time in awhile. I don't like my nada much as a person. There's something to this day that still scares me about her. I mean I know she can't physically hurt me anymore but it's hard to put into words... there's jsut something that I fear. One day my nada yelled at me and went to hit me, but this time I got closer to her and didn't flinch. I wanted her to hit me because if she did I was READY to hit her back! After that she never touched me again. It's amazing how much pain we can take and still do! Keetch wrote: Hi , I can really understand how you feel. I, too, spent all my life being the responsible one, held accountable for others mistakes, did all I could for nada and family and still found myself on the crappy end of the stick. That knot in your stomach is a close friend of mine as well. If I understand right, she kicked you out of the house and yet expects you to sit across from her and plan a party? For a sister who has been black listing you, with her support? No wonder you feel as you do! I, too, missed my nada horribly. When she would call to see me, I would allow whatever terms she set. ( couldn't take my girls, had to be in my car, had to pay for the gas if it was a long trip, I think your getting the idea.) I had to stop that way of thinking. I can only suggest what I personally had to do. When my nada invited me to the restaurant I went with an idea of what I wanted to discuss. ( for ex. my sex life was not to be a subject!). I kept her on the subject. I didn't let her veer off into another direction. I told her, at one point when she was really pushing, that I would have to leave if we couldn't talk to each other without being mean. And to be honest with you, I ended up having to get up and walk out, leaving her there. I, too, had my nada tell me that I was jealous of my sister. I see now that that was what she wanted to see and that there was nothing I could say, or do for that matter, to make her see differently. No matter how hard I denied it, she seemed that more determined to see me that way. Banged my head against the wall for years over that one. But one day I read somewhere, opinions are NOT facts. Gave me a different way of looking at things. I decided to live with the facts only. Nada opinions can kill our self respect, our center, our belief in what we feel and see, if we let them. You also have the option of not going. You can buy a gift, and take it to the party or just take it to her. Invite her out for coffee and present it to her. This way you are on your own ground. On your own terms. As for hugs.....please except a warm {{{{{{{{hug}}}}}} from me. Take care kiddo, sick ok...I'm supposed to meet my BPD mother later this evening to plan my sister's wedding shower. I haven't seen my mother in about 3 months, since i was kicked out of my house and left my job. (i used to live and work with my nada) I'm sick over meeting her, I have stomach problems and all my life I wondered why!!! HELLO, it's because all the stress! Anyway, I have no idea what to expect from her today. I'm sure she'll start out nice (but it's all fake) then she'll talk a little about the shower and tell me what I have to do for my sister whom I hate! Then she'll slip some kind of insult or something. I'm so scared to see her, but at the same time I'm happy to see her because i've missed her sooooooo much. I want her to hug me really close to her tightly! But i don't want her to know I'm wanting all that. I'm afraid I'll cry and she'll know how much I've missed her. I have to stay strong because no matter how much i've missed her, I'm still hurt and angry with her and the things to does to make me miserable. I don't know how i'm going to get through this day, I'm so scared she's going to start a fight with me and say all the wrong things. The last time my nada and I spoke over the phone she said to me " is the reason you are always mad and have such a bad attituide, because you're jealous that you've had to share me with your sister? " when she said that i couldn't believe it. Of course it has to be all about HER!!! I'm pissed that i'm the younger one and I've always been the older one with all the older sister responsibilities while my OLDER sister NEVER had to do anything and I did EVERYTHING while always being yelled at!!! My sister has resently been lying about me, telling people about arguments with HER EDITED VERSION! All this time, my mother has been making HER out to be the PERFECT daughter while I'm the screw up...how did things get like this when I've always done everything to please my mother and my sister NEVER did anything...she's soooo selfish and i could go on but i won't! I'm just a mess today and don't know how to handle it. --------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2001 Report Share Posted May 22, 2001 , Anon gave some really good options/choices for you to think on and maybe try. I think the reason they want you to be maid of honor is less about you than them... The maid of honor usually hosts the shower...if YOU are the maid of honor, THEY get to control it...after all, why trust a mere friend to " get it right " ? Anon spoke of Boundaries... I've got one that's really off the wall and would take a LOT of courage, but will save you hours of arguing and compromising(against your will)...and would definitely make a real big statement about how your feel. After all, you're an adult and have the right to make your own choices... Ready? Better sit down first. Here it is... Consider just skipping this(or any) meeting(not even call...just let them wait) that is causing you such a major anxiety/panic attack...go elsewhere! Maybe treat yourself to an ice cream cone. Maybe bring along Anon's ideas to read while you eat it. Ask yourself first...will YOU(don't worry so much about them) feel better going or not going? On the other hand, you could just let them rope you in, and then practice " be useless " . It is a very very effective tool...as are Boundaries. Mar _________________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2001 Report Share Posted May 22, 2001 , Anon gave some really good options/choices for you to think on and maybe try. I think the reason they want you to be maid of honor is less about you than them... The maid of honor usually hosts the shower...if YOU are the maid of honor, THEY get to control it...after all, why trust a mere friend to " get it right " ? Anon spoke of Boundaries... I've got one that's really off the wall and would take a LOT of courage, but will save you hours of arguing and compromising(against your will)...and would definitely make a real big statement about how your feel. After all, you're an adult and have the right to make your own choices... Ready? Better sit down first. Here it is... Consider just skipping this(or any) meeting(not even call...just let them wait) that is causing you such a major anxiety/panic attack...go elsewhere! Maybe treat yourself to an ice cream cone. Maybe bring along Anon's ideas to read while you eat it. Ask yourself first...will YOU(don't worry so much about them) feel better going or not going? On the other hand, you could just let them rope you in, and then practice " be useless " . It is a very very effective tool...as are Boundaries. Mar _________________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2001 Report Share Posted May 26, 2001 > Thanks for responding! I'm stuck in this wedding and if I tell them AGAIN how I don't want to be in it I'll be trashed by everyone, they already think I'm jealous of my sister which is soooooo far from the truth! Hi, I have an idea, and it might not be the best idea, but it came to me when I was thinking about your posts about feeling forced to plan and attend a wedding against your will. You described that awful trapped feeling, and I know how that makes me feel: I start to panic. I start having physical symptoms, like dizziness, can't breathe, heart pounding, blood pressure through the ceiling, etc. Now, think about it: you can't plan or be in the wedding if you are in the hospital, can you? No one can say you are jealous or a bitch if you are physically unable to attend because of illness, can they? You could check yourself into a hospital for a complete physical. Or, you could ask a friend to help you: give your family the friend's phone number and ask the friend to be the " nurse " so you don't have to check into a real hospital. I realize that this is sort of a back-handed (passive-aggressive?) way of getting out of it. But it avoids direct confrontation and it could be a band-aid, a temporary way of not giving in to the pressure of this particular event. And you've got a lot of pressure! I, at least, have my sister as an ally, and we are slowly getting more of a handle on our nada. I wish you strength and serenity, and a good friend. -DollyHy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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