Re: mothers beating children

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard(er) time

coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed about the

physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The ourbursts

and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other things)

were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete and I was

much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it remained a

big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and emotional abuse

felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't leave a

mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault, taking it

all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone relate to

that angle?

Aimee

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard(er) time

coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed about the

physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The ourbursts

and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other things)

were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete and I was

much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it remained a

big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and emotional abuse

felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't leave a

mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault, taking it

all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone relate to

that angle?

Aimee

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard(er) time

coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed about the

physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The ourbursts

and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other things)

were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete and I was

much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it remained a

big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and emotional abuse

felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't leave a

mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault, taking it

all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone relate to

that angle?

Aimee

[Guest guest]

Aimee,

I understand what you're saying, I think. Beatings leave marks--bruises,

cuts, scratches, etc. The verbal and emotional abuse don't leave such

obvious outward marks. I think we live in more enlightened times, but when I

was growing up, those outward marks didn't elicit much response. I remember

once a neighbor, when she asked about the multiple puncture wounds on my arm

from a beating I received with the buckle-end of a belt and I told her my

mother had beaten me, she laughed and said, " parents spank children, they

don't beat children. " It was very invalidating and to this day I remember

how angry I got at her.

<< Hi all,

I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard(er)

time

coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed about the

physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The ourbursts

and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other things)

were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete and I was

much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it remained a

big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and emotional abuse

felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't leave a

mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault, taking it

all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone relate to

that angle?

Aimee >>

[Guest guest]

Aimee,

I understand what you're saying, I think. Beatings leave marks--bruises,

cuts, scratches, etc. The verbal and emotional abuse don't leave such

obvious outward marks. I think we live in more enlightened times, but when I

was growing up, those outward marks didn't elicit much response. I remember

once a neighbor, when she asked about the multiple puncture wounds on my arm

from a beating I received with the buckle-end of a belt and I told her my

mother had beaten me, she laughed and said, " parents spank children, they

don't beat children. " It was very invalidating and to this day I remember

how angry I got at her.

<< Hi all,

I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard(er)

time

coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed about the

physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The ourbursts

and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other things)

were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete and I was

much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it remained a

big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and emotional abuse

felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't leave a

mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault, taking it

all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone relate to

that angle?

Aimee >>

[Guest guest]

I had repressed my step-nada's physical abuse, apparently. But my youngest

sister remembered it. I thought that I had only been abused verbally and

emotionally but she remembers my stepnada egging my dad on to beat me with a

board. Apparently he had to go fetch a 2x4 to do the job to her

satisfaction. My sis said we were all lined up for punishment, two sisters

and I, and when it came my turn I was singled out to be beaten with a board.

I still have no recollection of the event in my own memory, but I know my

sis didn't make it up. I always thought stepnada would have abused me

physically if she had been physically stronger, and that that was the only

reason she didn't. Well now it turns out she didn't need to be strong

enough to beat the sh*t out of me like she really wanted to. She just had

my dad do her dirty work.

I haven't told anyone else about this, I'm really embarassed by it for some

reason. I feel like I was violated and humiliated in front of the whole

family. I guess that's the reason. I decided I'm safe enough here to post

that but I am really wincing as I type. Who knows how much of this stuff

went on if I can't remember any of it... I can see why I blocked it out, I

feel so sick inside when I think about it.

>From: Das@...

>Reply-To: ModOasis

>To: ModOasis

>Subject: Re: It is incredible how much I recognize in your

>posts!

>Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 12:36:38 EDT

>

>Hildegard,

>

>You wrote:

>

><< * mother, not father, beating kids up (I don't dare to tell this to

> people as most of them simply don't believe me) >>

>

>Just a little validation for you...statistically mothers are more inclined

>to

>beat their kids than fathers. Not many people would believe that, but

>those

>are the facts.

>

>

_________________________________________________________________

Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

I can really hear in your message how painful and difficult this is for you

to absorb right now. I'm so sorry that you suffered what you did. Our

ability to shield ourselves from memories so painful is simply survival as a

child but can be terrifying and overwhelming when they come to surface as

adults. I remember clearly some of the physical abuse but have had my aunt

recount other events she suspects my mom did like when I was very little, I

supposedly fell down stairs, and my aunt tells me she believes my mom pushed

me. I can't get to the memory of it AT ALL, and I hate the feeling of not

having control of my mind that way. It is absolutely horrific that in

addition to emotional/verbal abuse (not that it's any worse or better),

parents would cross the line to physical abuse. I totally understand about

what you said about them crossing that boundary too--it's like before you

could hold onto that small piece of " well, at least they didn't do that " , and

now realizing they even violated your physical being. I really hope with

support here, and other support you receive, that you'll be able to

recapture, assimilate, and heal from those memories too.

Hugs to you!

Aimee

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

I can really hear in your message how painful and difficult this is for you

to absorb right now. I'm so sorry that you suffered what you did. Our

ability to shield ourselves from memories so painful is simply survival as a

child but can be terrifying and overwhelming when they come to surface as

adults. I remember clearly some of the physical abuse but have had my aunt

recount other events she suspects my mom did like when I was very little, I

supposedly fell down stairs, and my aunt tells me she believes my mom pushed

me. I can't get to the memory of it AT ALL, and I hate the feeling of not

having control of my mind that way. It is absolutely horrific that in

addition to emotional/verbal abuse (not that it's any worse or better),

parents would cross the line to physical abuse. I totally understand about

what you said about them crossing that boundary too--it's like before you

could hold onto that small piece of " well, at least they didn't do that " , and

now realizing they even violated your physical being. I really hope with

support here, and other support you receive, that you'll be able to

recapture, assimilate, and heal from those memories too.

Hugs to you!

Aimee

[Guest guest]

Absolutely.

If you think of your mother telling you " That the devil is on your

back and that she will hit him off " by beating you with a belt, you

are certain that her behaviour was unacceptable.

What was really destructive for me was the constant brainwashing.

Saying things like: there is no one at school that likes you, you are

clumsy, I feel ashamed for you when I come with you in a shop because

you are always so uneasy, you are not spontaneous, you have good

marks at school but you are bad in social contacts, etc...

Or the evil looks whenever I came back from an event where I had

really amused myself with other kids. Just catching that look could

destroy the good memory.

Regards, Hildegard

> Hi all,

>

> I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard

(er) time

> coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed

about the

> physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The

ourbursts

> and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other

things)

> were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete

and I was

> much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it

remained a

> big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and

emotional abuse

> felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't

leave a

> mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

> questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault,

taking it

> all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone

relate to

> that angle?

>

> Aimee

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Absolutely.

If you think of your mother telling you " That the devil is on your

back and that she will hit him off " by beating you with a belt, you

are certain that her behaviour was unacceptable.

What was really destructive for me was the constant brainwashing.

Saying things like: there is no one at school that likes you, you are

clumsy, I feel ashamed for you when I come with you in a shop because

you are always so uneasy, you are not spontaneous, you have good

marks at school but you are bad in social contacts, etc...

Or the evil looks whenever I came back from an event where I had

really amused myself with other kids. Just catching that look could

destroy the good memory.

Regards, Hildegard

> Hi all,

>

> I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard

(er) time

> coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed

about the

> physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The

ourbursts

> and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other

things)

> were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete

and I was

> much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it

remained a

> big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and

emotional abuse

> felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't

leave a

> mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

> questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault,

taking it

> all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone

relate to

> that angle?

>

> Aimee

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Absolutely.

If you think of your mother telling you " That the devil is on your

back and that she will hit him off " by beating you with a belt, you

are certain that her behaviour was unacceptable.

What was really destructive for me was the constant brainwashing.

Saying things like: there is no one at school that likes you, you are

clumsy, I feel ashamed for you when I come with you in a shop because

you are always so uneasy, you are not spontaneous, you have good

marks at school but you are bad in social contacts, etc...

Or the evil looks whenever I came back from an event where I had

really amused myself with other kids. Just catching that look could

destroy the good memory.

Regards, Hildegard

> Hi all,

>

> I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard

(er) time

> coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed

about the

> physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The

ourbursts

> and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other

things)

> were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete

and I was

> much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it

remained a

> big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and

emotional abuse

> felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't

leave a

> mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

> questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault,

taking it

> all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone

relate to

> that angle?

>

> Aimee

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Hania

I'm glad that my posting about physical abuse was helpful for you, because I

still feel uncomfortable with having it out there. Thanks for sharing your

experience. Do you feel embarassed/uncomfortable talking about that part of

it as well? Anyone else, or is that my own unique odd reaction?

Were you surprised when you remembered it?

>

>Reply-To: ModOasis

>To: <ModOasis >

>Subject: Re: mothers beating children

>Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 16:05:45 -0400

>

>,

>I am so glad you posted this. My nada claims she never beat me, but as an

>adult I remembered her beating me with a brush. My sister remembers it,

>too. I found the brush that she beat me with at her house, took it home

>and remembered why the brush bothered me

>Hania

> Re: It is incredible how much I recognize in your

> >posts!

> >Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 12:36:38 EDT

> >

> >Hildegard,

> >

> >You wrote:

> >

> ><< * mother, not father, beating kids up (I don't dare to tell this to

> > people as most of them simply don't believe me) >>

> >

> >Just a little validation for you...statistically mothers are more

>inclined

> >to

> >beat their kids than fathers. Not many people would believe that, but

> >those

> >are the facts.

> >

> >

>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at

>http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Hania

I'm glad that my posting about physical abuse was helpful for you, because I

still feel uncomfortable with having it out there. Thanks for sharing your

experience. Do you feel embarassed/uncomfortable talking about that part of

it as well? Anyone else, or is that my own unique odd reaction?

Were you surprised when you remembered it?

>

>Reply-To: ModOasis

>To: <ModOasis >

>Subject: Re: mothers beating children

>Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 16:05:45 -0400

>

>,

>I am so glad you posted this. My nada claims she never beat me, but as an

>adult I remembered her beating me with a brush. My sister remembers it,

>too. I found the brush that she beat me with at her house, took it home

>and remembered why the brush bothered me

>Hania

> Re: It is incredible how much I recognize in your

> >posts!

> >Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 12:36:38 EDT

> >

> >Hildegard,

> >

> >You wrote:

> >

> ><< * mother, not father, beating kids up (I don't dare to tell this to

> > people as most of them simply don't believe me) >>

> >

> >Just a little validation for you...statistically mothers are more

>inclined

> >to

> >beat their kids than fathers. Not many people would believe that, but

> >those

> >are the facts.

> >

> >

>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at

>http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Aimee,

I agree with you that verbal abuse is in many ways much more damaging

because of its insidiousness. I think the reason why I'm so uncomfortable

with the new knowledge that I was physically abused as well is because I

never remembered it until recently. It really freaks me out that my parents

were able to do things to my body that I still have no conscious memory of.

I feel that I've made a lot of progress in dealing with the fact of and the

effects of emotional abuse in my life so far. But I was really taken aback

to be faced with this new thing. How could someone do these things to me

and I not remember it? I realize that the human psyche is a powerful thing

and that repression is a pretty common defense mechanism for dealing with

abuse. But I feel like it's so important for my sanity and my recovery that

I know my own mind, and know what happened to me. And to think that I was

physically abused with such force and violence and that those memories have

been simply erased makes me feel really powerless.

I have often thought that if my parents had beaten me and left marks,

someone would have rescued me from them before so much damage was done.

That was when I thought that I hadn't been physically abused. Come to find

out, I have been physically abused. And no, no one stopped it. I suppose

they would have had to beat me to the point of requiring medical attention

before any other adult would have stepped in. At least I know that they

never went that far!

The horror in this realization for me has another part as well, beyond the

surprise of it. As long as I thought that the abuse was strictly verbal, at

least I could say, at least they never abused my body. Not that emotional

abuse is any less damaging than any other type. Only that at least I could

feel that there was one boundary that they hadn't crossed. Now I don't even

have that. I feel that I was totally subject to my stepnada's

destructiveness and my fathers complicity, that they were systematic in

breaking me down and that when the emotional abuse wasn't enough for them,

when they had done all they could to my mind they attacked my body as well.

This new knowledge makes me feel that I was victimized more completely than

I would ever want to acknowledge or admit and I feel ashamed of that. And

powerless.

>From: aim71098@...

>Reply-To: ModOasis

>To: ModOasis

>Subject: Re: mothers beating children

>Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 16:23:35 EDT

>

>Hi all,

>

>I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard(er)

>time

>coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed about the

>physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The ourbursts

>and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other things)

>were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete and I was

>much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it remained a

>big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and emotional abuse

>felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't leave a

>mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

>questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault, taking it

>all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone relate to

>that angle?

>

>Aimee

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Aimee,

I agree with you that verbal abuse is in many ways much more damaging

because of its insidiousness. I think the reason why I'm so uncomfortable

with the new knowledge that I was physically abused as well is because I

never remembered it until recently. It really freaks me out that my parents

were able to do things to my body that I still have no conscious memory of.

I feel that I've made a lot of progress in dealing with the fact of and the

effects of emotional abuse in my life so far. But I was really taken aback

to be faced with this new thing. How could someone do these things to me

and I not remember it? I realize that the human psyche is a powerful thing

and that repression is a pretty common defense mechanism for dealing with

abuse. But I feel like it's so important for my sanity and my recovery that

I know my own mind, and know what happened to me. And to think that I was

physically abused with such force and violence and that those memories have

been simply erased makes me feel really powerless.

I have often thought that if my parents had beaten me and left marks,

someone would have rescued me from them before so much damage was done.

That was when I thought that I hadn't been physically abused. Come to find

out, I have been physically abused. And no, no one stopped it. I suppose

they would have had to beat me to the point of requiring medical attention

before any other adult would have stepped in. At least I know that they

never went that far!

The horror in this realization for me has another part as well, beyond the

surprise of it. As long as I thought that the abuse was strictly verbal, at

least I could say, at least they never abused my body. Not that emotional

abuse is any less damaging than any other type. Only that at least I could

feel that there was one boundary that they hadn't crossed. Now I don't even

have that. I feel that I was totally subject to my stepnada's

destructiveness and my fathers complicity, that they were systematic in

breaking me down and that when the emotional abuse wasn't enough for them,

when they had done all they could to my mind they attacked my body as well.

This new knowledge makes me feel that I was victimized more completely than

I would ever want to acknowledge or admit and I feel ashamed of that. And

powerless.

>From: aim71098@...

>Reply-To: ModOasis

>To: ModOasis

>Subject: Re: mothers beating children

>Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 16:23:35 EDT

>

>Hi all,

>

>I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard(er)

>time

>coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed about the

>physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The ourbursts

>and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other things)

>were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete and I was

>much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it remained a

>big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and emotional abuse

>felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't leave a

>mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

>questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault, taking it

>all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone relate to

>that angle?

>

>Aimee

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I feel VERY uncomfortable talking about it. In my family, nothing was

ever said outside the family. Family secrets had to stay in the family. I

always hid my fears, pretending to be OK. My mother is an alcoholic. Between

that and her BP tendencies, I was a mess. Never knew what to expect.

Yes, I was surprised. I took the brush and still have it to this day. Now she

can't hurt me with it anymore.

I was in therapy once and my STBX was yelling at me. STBX is BP also. The

therapist told him to stop because I was cringing and trying to hide. I was

embarrassed because I felt like my secret was found out.

Hania

Re: It is incredible how much I recognize in your

> >posts!

> >Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 12:36:38 EDT

> >

> >Hildegard,

> >

> >You wrote:

> >

> ><< * mother, not father, beating kids up (I don't dare to tell this to

> > people as most of them simply don't believe me) >>

> >

> >Just a little validation for you...statistically mothers are more

>inclined

> >to

> >beat their kids than fathers. Not many people would believe that, but

> >those

> >are the facts.

> >

> >

>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at

>http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I feel VERY uncomfortable talking about it. In my family, nothing was

ever said outside the family. Family secrets had to stay in the family. I

always hid my fears, pretending to be OK. My mother is an alcoholic. Between

that and her BP tendencies, I was a mess. Never knew what to expect.

Yes, I was surprised. I took the brush and still have it to this day. Now she

can't hurt me with it anymore.

I was in therapy once and my STBX was yelling at me. STBX is BP also. The

therapist told him to stop because I was cringing and trying to hide. I was

embarrassed because I felt like my secret was found out.

Hania

Re: It is incredible how much I recognize in your

> >posts!

> >Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 12:36:38 EDT

> >

> >Hildegard,

> >

> >You wrote:

> >

> ><< * mother, not father, beating kids up (I don't dare to tell this to

> > people as most of them simply don't believe me) >>

> >

> >Just a little validation for you...statistically mothers are more

>inclined

> >to

> >beat their kids than fathers. Not many people would believe that, but

> >those

> >are the facts.

> >

> >

>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at

>http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I feel VERY uncomfortable talking about it. In my family, nothing was

ever said outside the family. Family secrets had to stay in the family. I

always hid my fears, pretending to be OK. My mother is an alcoholic. Between

that and her BP tendencies, I was a mess. Never knew what to expect.

Yes, I was surprised. I took the brush and still have it to this day. Now she

can't hurt me with it anymore.

I was in therapy once and my STBX was yelling at me. STBX is BP also. The

therapist told him to stop because I was cringing and trying to hide. I was

embarrassed because I felt like my secret was found out.

Hania

Re: It is incredible how much I recognize in your

> >posts!

> >Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 12:36:38 EDT

> >

> >Hildegard,

> >

> >You wrote:

> >

> ><< * mother, not father, beating kids up (I don't dare to tell this to

> > people as most of them simply don't believe me) >>

> >

> >Just a little validation for you...statistically mothers are more

>inclined

> >to

> >beat their kids than fathers. Not many people would believe that, but

> >those

> >are the facts.

> >

> >

>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at

>http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

--- Starr wrote:

> I'm glad that my posting about physical abuse was

> helpful for you, because I

> still feel uncomfortable with having it out there.

> Thanks for sharing your

> experience. Do you feel embarassed/uncomfortable

> talking about that part of

> it as well? Anyone else, or is that my own unique

> odd reaction?

I experienced only emotional abuse with my parents,

but I was physically abused by my most recent partner.

I could relate to the person who said they were

totally invalidated by a neighbor. When I told my mom

(mom for me is always lowercase) what happened, she

said disbelievingly " oh, do you really think he'd do

that? " Just one example of their invalidation of me.

She was more concerned about the fact that he hadn't

been paying his share of the rent than the fact that

he'd been hitting me.

It is hard to tell people that you've been physically

abused. Some people will treat you differently after

they know, as if it might rub off on them or they

might catch something from you.

Holly

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

--- Starr wrote:

> I'm glad that my posting about physical abuse was

> helpful for you, because I

> still feel uncomfortable with having it out there.

> Thanks for sharing your

> experience. Do you feel embarassed/uncomfortable

> talking about that part of

> it as well? Anyone else, or is that my own unique

> odd reaction?

I experienced only emotional abuse with my parents,

but I was physically abused by my most recent partner.

I could relate to the person who said they were

totally invalidated by a neighbor. When I told my mom

(mom for me is always lowercase) what happened, she

said disbelievingly " oh, do you really think he'd do

that? " Just one example of their invalidation of me.

She was more concerned about the fact that he hadn't

been paying his share of the rent than the fact that

he'd been hitting me.

It is hard to tell people that you've been physically

abused. Some people will treat you differently after

they know, as if it might rub off on them or they

might catch something from you.

Holly

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

--- Starr wrote:

> I'm glad that my posting about physical abuse was

> helpful for you, because I

> still feel uncomfortable with having it out there.

> Thanks for sharing your

> experience. Do you feel embarassed/uncomfortable

> talking about that part of

> it as well? Anyone else, or is that my own unique

> odd reaction?

I experienced only emotional abuse with my parents,

but I was physically abused by my most recent partner.

I could relate to the person who said they were

totally invalidated by a neighbor. When I told my mom

(mom for me is always lowercase) what happened, she

said disbelievingly " oh, do you really think he'd do

that? " Just one example of their invalidation of me.

She was more concerned about the fact that he hadn't

been paying his share of the rent than the fact that

he'd been hitting me.

It is hard to tell people that you've been physically

abused. Some people will treat you differently after

they know, as if it might rub off on them or they

might catch something from you.

Holly

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Aimee. Your words are encouraging to me. I believe as you suggest

that with the support of this group I'll be able to absorb and recover from

this new information just as I am gradually healing from that which was

already known to me. Maybe the " forgotten " incidences of abuse only surface

as we are ready to deal with them one by one. As always, I'm grateful to be

here. It's really amazing to be able to say the scariest things and not

fear rejection or criticism as a result. This group and everyone in it is a

godsend.

Hugs to you, too!

>From: aim71098@...

>Reply-To: ModOasis

>To: ModOasis

>Subject: Re: mothers beating children

>Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 18:56:47 EDT

>

>Dear ,

>

>I can really hear in your message how painful and difficult this is for you

>to absorb right now. I'm so sorry that you suffered what you did. Our

>ability to shield ourselves from memories so painful is simply survival as

>a

>child but can be terrifying and overwhelming when they come to surface as

>adults. I remember clearly some of the physical abuse but have had my aunt

>recount other events she suspects my mom did like when I was very little, I

>supposedly fell down stairs, and my aunt tells me she believes my mom

>pushed

>me. I can't get to the memory of it AT ALL, and I hate the feeling of not

>having control of my mind that way. It is absolutely horrific that in

>addition to emotional/verbal abuse (not that it's any worse or better),

>parents would cross the line to physical abuse. I totally understand about

>what you said about them crossing that boundary too--it's like before you

>could hold onto that small piece of " well, at least they didn't do that " ,

>and

>now realizing they even violated your physical being. I really hope with

>support here, and other support you receive, that you'll be able to

>recapture, assimilate, and heal from those memories too.

>

>Hugs to you!

>

>Aimee

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I sure can! A brush huh? Same here. Nada would also walk around the house with

a belt doubled up in her hand. My being the eldest led to her throwing the

checkbook into my face and yelling " Here! You want to be the woman in the

house!!! " Huh??? I know how it feels to think that it was all my fault, nada

was forever telling me it was and Hey!..she's my mother so she should know. No

wonder we struggle to trust others. So l can sure relate to what you wrote and

I'm sure others here do as well. Warm thoughts,

Re: mothers beating children

Hi all,

I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard(er) time

coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed about the

physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The ourbursts

and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other things)

were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete and I was

much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it remained a

big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and emotional abuse

felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't leave a

mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault, taking it

all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone relate to

that angle?

Aimee

[Guest guest]

I sure can! A brush huh? Same here. Nada would also walk around the house with

a belt doubled up in her hand. My being the eldest led to her throwing the

checkbook into my face and yelling " Here! You want to be the woman in the

house!!! " Huh??? I know how it feels to think that it was all my fault, nada

was forever telling me it was and Hey!..she's my mother so she should know. No

wonder we struggle to trust others. So l can sure relate to what you wrote and

I'm sure others here do as well. Warm thoughts,

Re: mothers beating children

Hi all,

I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard(er) time

coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed about the

physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The ourbursts

and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other things)

were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete and I was

much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it remained a

big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and emotional abuse

felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't leave a

mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault, taking it

all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone relate to

that angle?

Aimee

[Guest guest]

I sure can! A brush huh? Same here. Nada would also walk around the house with

a belt doubled up in her hand. My being the eldest led to her throwing the

checkbook into my face and yelling " Here! You want to be the woman in the

house!!! " Huh??? I know how it feels to think that it was all my fault, nada

was forever telling me it was and Hey!..she's my mother so she should know. No

wonder we struggle to trust others. So l can sure relate to what you wrote and

I'm sure others here do as well. Warm thoughts,

Re: mothers beating children

Hi all,

I have an interesting reaction to reading about people having a hard(er) time

coming to terms with/admitting/remembering/feeling embarrassed about the

physical abuse. For me, that was the easier part to handle. The ourbursts

and rages with physical abuse (often with a brush too, among other things)

were somehow easier for me to take because it felt more concrete and I was

much more sure that it wasn't normal and was wrong (although it remained a

big secret from anyone outside the family). The verbal and emotional abuse

felt more subtle, insidious, and less concrete in that it " didn't leave a

mark " (albiet much more regular), so I always felt myself doubting,

questioning if it was really wrong, assuming it was all my fault, taking it

all in that I was really just an awful person, etc. Can anyone relate to

that angle?

Aimee