Nada demanding answers...

November 19, 2001

Ok gang, as I briefly mentioned in my reply to Deb, I am having

some trouble with nada right now. I've summarized the situation

below with a little more detail:

I'm turning 30 in December, and my parents decided to plan a

surprise birthday party that corresponded with the Christmas

party my father throws for the group he MANAGES at work (YES, he

is their BOSS). Although I know most of them, they are by no

means my friends, and I think this is a terrible idea (e.g.,

people who work for my father will feel obligated to bring me

gifts). Not only is it a bad idea, but they had all sorts of

ridiculous " activities " planned -- it was very clear that this

party was about HER and not me. They told my husband who then

told me, and I confronted them and told them I didn't want it

(yay for me -- this was a major hurdle, and has drastically

altered the way I handle her. I'm not afraid of her anymore!).

As you can imagine, the shxt hit the fan, but I held firmly to

my boundaries. There were two conversations (both times with

both my mom and dad), and then silence. I laughed at a recent

post where someone said something along the lines of " wait until

she finds out it's ME ignoring HER and not the other way

around. " Same thing here! I simply didn't want to talk to

either one of them. Disappointingly, my father is demonstrating

increased denial about her condition -- in the face of her

insane behavior (which I won't detail here as it would take a

novel), he's actually encouraged me to " talk things out " with

her -- as if that were possible!

After two weeks she started calling and leaving messages (which

I didn't return). She wanted to talk to me when my dad wasn't

around (WARNING lights and sirens -- I've learned from

experience that this is a bad thing). After several days, I

finally answered the phone (no plan, but I felt confident I

could take care of myself after how I handled the last two

encounters). The gist of the conversation (setting aside all of

the nada insanity, which took 6+ pages at a 10 point font in my

journal to detail and process -- I will spare you this as you

can all imagine it just fine) was that she wants to know why I

don't respect her and she wants to work on a " better

relationship " . Problem is, she doesn't really want any of this,

she just wants me to go back to the way I was before so she can

control me. She demanded that I explain to her why I don't

respect her, and when I told her I couldn't because I was too

busy to talk (which was very true -- I was 20 feet up on my

partially built garage roof, a nail gun in one hand, trying to

get the roof done), she very kindly shared her theory with me:

that my dad emotionally abused her and didn't participate in

parenting me, so she was left to be the disciplinarian and I

grew up with a distorted perception of her (all a bunch of

bull). So basically, it's all my father's fault (compounded by

my stupidity and gullibility in being " fooled " by his " nice guy "

false front into thinking he doesn't abuse her) that she and I

have a bad relationship.

I told her that I didn't agree with her theory and that there

were other explanations for how things have turned out, but that

I had to think about things. I told her I would call her when I

was ready, and so far (except for one e-mail telling me she's

waiting for my call), she has respected this (our conversation

occurred 9 days ago). The problem is this: what the hell do I

say to her? I can't tell her the real reasons. I mean, there's

no point! She won't listen to me anyway, and she'll find some

way to blame my " abusive father " for everything. Either that or

discount and trivialize me. Yet, she's demanding that I tell

her something. I'm not sure what to do.

In the meantime she has regaled my brother with her woes, and

went AWOL from her and my dad's house for several days, leaving

only a note that said " I need to think about our relationship " .

I learned this from my brother, who also told me my dad spoke

very " realistically " about her when he told my brother she had

left (she is now back and has made no mention to my brother

about what happened). Up to now I have refrained from

contacting my father because he has shown all signs of being

completely brainwashed by her. Additionally, I'm angry with him

for how he behaved during the two confrontations, and he also

said something that betrayed my confidence and trust in him.

I'm tired of always having to " explain " myself to him. I'm

tired of him always giving her the benefit of the doubt. At the

same time, I miss him terribly and have a strong yearning to

reach out to him. I still have hope that our relationship can

be salvaged. When my brother told me that he seemed " realistic "

about nada, I started thinking about contacting him again.

I know you guys can't give me advice or tell me what to do, but

I was wondering what you thought. I am ready to sever contact

if there is no other alternative. If possible, however, I would

like to keep some semblance of a relationship. Although I am

angry with my father, I still have hope for our relationship --

a hope that would most likely not exist if I severed ties with

nada. Perhaps some of your comments will help me in the process

of figuring out what's best for me.

Any comments would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Anon

P.S. I just read Kathleen's response to Deb:

<<

With my BP family members, there is no remorse, only self

preservation. I would be careful with myself in this vulnerable

position. I would work on fortifying the castle before thinking

of putting the drawbridge across the moat.

>>

How true, and what a beautiful metaphor -- it sums things up

PERFECTLY, and applies to my situation as well!

__________________________________________________

November 19, 2001

Hi Anon....

If you are 30, in your own marriage and in your own house...you

are ahead of the game.

Just tell them that you have other plans and won't be attending.

As for mom.....keep the boundaries up.

Keep posting!

Kathleen

November 19, 2001

Hi Kathleen, thanks for your reply.

Just to clarify, the surprise party is no longer an issue. I

already told them that I didn't want it. Once that was said,

they didn't have much choice -- I mean, how can you throw a

surprise party for someone that knows about it?! During the

course of several conversations regarding that, however, the

issue of respect came up, and now nada wants to know why I don't

respect her. I have no desire to tell her the truth, yet I

won't tell lies anymore either, so I have refused to tell her

anything so far. If she makes this discussion a condition of

our continuing relationship (I'm not sure if she will or not,

but so far she has demanded that I explain myself to her), I

would like to try to come up with some way to get out of

explaining myself to her WITHOUT terminating the relationship

(that's the tricky part). Although I am prepared to end the

relationship, and will do it if that's what it takes, I would

prefer to seek alternatives at this point. So any suggestions

would be appreciated!

The best idea I've come up with so far is to tell her that I

won't explain myself to her because she doesn't listen to me

(and that this is also one of the reasons I don't respect her).

If she wants to improve our relationship, then she should work

on listening to me. Although I'm not hoping that she will

actually start listening to me (perish the thought! , it's

possible this would at least get me off the hook of having to

explain further why I don't respect her. I mean, I know she

won't be happy with me saying it, but it would make it hard for

her to accuse me of not caring about our relationship, because I

*have* offered some kind of explanation, as well as action that

can be taken to make things better. I'm not afraid of upsetting

her, but, again, I would like to try to salvage our farce of a

relationship so I can stay in contact with my dad. I don't know

-- what do you guys think? So far, I haven't done anything yet.

Anon

--- thanksforthisday@... wrote:

> Hi Anon....

>

> If you are 30, in your own marriage and in your own

> house...you

> are ahead of the game.

>

> Just tell them that you have other plans and won't be

> attending.

>

> As for mom.....keep the boundaries up.

>

> Keep posting!

>

> Kathleen

__________________________________________________

November 19, 2001

Hi Anon...

In my situation....several opportunities have come up to connect

with the FOO. I've made myself stand back and observe myself

going through the different scenarios. In every case the best

choice i have made has been to do nothing but to continue

minding my very own business here with my own sweet family.

Life can be very swirly in the FOO. They are rather caught up in

an ongoing whirlwind of action and reaction. I try now- and mean

to during this Holiday season- to pretend I am on Mars and just

having the best time I can have on Mars. They will no doubt get

really mad because I've gone to Mars without consulting them,

but that is OK ...because they are usually mad at me anyway!

Actually I am in contact with 2 family members. One is my dear

sis-in-therapy, and the other is my unemployed brother whose

main character trait is to mind his own business, and so we go

back and forth on email about his job hunt problems etc. I try very

hard not to offer rescue scenarios to him (and I have not) while

my husband (who is a small business counselor) offers him

real tips. With those two sibs things are fine. With the rest of the

family, it is a lion's den, a viper's pit, a witches' convention...and

so I stay away.

Here is something funny. A friend came by today with a platter of

cookies. She is 60 and brought her friend who is 85 and a WW2

vet. They were sitting on the sofa admiring the kids and the perts

and he (the old gent) said... " Can you imagine how lucky she is?

Six beautiful, wonderful kids, 4 lovely cats and a lovely dog. And a

nice husband! "

I thought for a moment before it registered... " Hey they are talking

about me!!!! "

But it took me a while to realize it was about me. Isn't that funny?

That is one of the reason's I'm here on this list.

Kathleen

November 19, 2001