handling anger and some questions

[Guest guest]

,

At least you know the truth and are moving on.

Unfortunately we can not change other people, but we

do not have to take their abuse.

I just don't have contact with my siblings now since

they believe " nada " . That is starting to change

somewhat with my father, in the sense that he is

actively trying to get them to see nada for who she

is. He left 25 yo, lives in Denver and both my

sisters live out there. I live on the East Coast so I

don't see him much, but he full out supports me and

this is new in the last 5 years. That he came back,

didn't believe the lies, believed me because of his

own experience and then shared more of some of the bad

things in my childhood has been so validating and so

important to my not getting hoovered.

He is trying to get my sisters to see that I am right,

that nada is lying all the time to protect herself and

that they are hurting themselves by having contact

with her and none with me. I can't affect the change,

I gave up, but he might. At least the burden is off

me, and he doesn't make me feel guilty about it. He

feels guilty about not being there more, and not

understanding what was going on. He left nada after

15 years and has been remarried for 20 years happily.

Like you, I lay it out like it is to my relatives and

if they don't like what I have to say, because it

rocks their precarious boats, is not my problem. I'm

telling the truth, my memories are valid and accurate,

and I refuse to have anything to do with nada or

others that are willing to abuse me to keep their

false reality intact. I know what is real, they do

not. I used to feel sorry for everybody, but realized

that each of us is responsible for our actions. I

feel sad that I don't have sisters right now, but they

need to face reality first before we could ever have a

relationship.

I stopped doing nice things for them about 5 years

ago, and I guess it didn't matter. They still send my

childrens birthday presents to my first husband's

house (my children's father, nbpd, married to him 12

years). That is how twisted my nada is, she got them

to do these things. I have been divorced from him for

9 years now! She still maintains a relationship with

him, much more of a relationship than she ever had

with me, so she can be " right " and I am the one with

the problems. He still doesn't understand that he is

just being manipulated to get back at me for speaking

out the truth - nada is an alcoholic, nada needs help

with her mental illnes, etc. Only recently has he

started to complain about nada, and seeing that maybe

I am right about her. Again, his problem, not mine.

So, I fully empathize with you , and know how

much it hurts.

--- wjseetch wrote:

> Hi ,

> Like you, I too had to live with people who listened

> to nada. I was always held up as too different from

> the family. As we kids grew older the situation

> became worse. Nada didn't have to put the thought

> there anymore, (although she still did) they came up

> with their own ways of making me feel bad. My sis

> would go out of her way to get me in trouble and

> nada was more than happy to punish me. I've just

> recently (June) began to talk to my sister after two

> years of silence. What a mistake. With all the

> stuff I'm dealing with my daughter, my sister has

> told her lies about me that defy imagination!!

> It's too funny. My daughter knows that these tales

> of hers are not true, but at the same time this is

> going on, my sis is telling me that she loves me and

> would do nothing to ruin our being able to talk to

> each other. Excuse me but I've got to put my boots

> on... it's getting deep!

> My bro's would also find ways to " get at me " . One

> bro likes the way I, financially, plan out my month

> and asked me to set up his office. Seven months

> later he wants the keys to his office back because

> " you like to plan out the whole month " Never mind

> that I now have him debt free and he has money in

> the bank for his business. Yesterday I asked to

> borrow the compressor from my youngest bro. Every

> fall I like to clean the furnace before lighting up.

> He told me no, because he had cut the hose. I found

> out that he had lied. Now these people are in their

> late thirties!! It's sad. I see denial everywhere

> with these people. And the back stabbing goes on.

> My dad was great, most of the time. He was

> supportive, loving and we knew when he hugged us he

> meant it. But he was usually a weekend dad, jobs

> being what they were, and only saw what she would

> let him see. When things did come to his attention,

> he would try to fix things. Which, I've come to see,

> was really his way of defusing things not really

> fixing them. But, he did try. My dads death was

> really hard on me, he was the only one in my family

> who I KNEW really loved me. Yet the life style of

> my family goes on. I removed myself from them by way

> of being the way they used to tell me was a

> curse....I was too different from them. I like

> knowing the truth and pointing it out to them when

> they would start the lying. I rock their safe little

> world. If they don't talk to me, so what! Come to

> think of it, they never ever really have. :0)

>

>

>

>

> handling anger and some

> > questions

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Steph wrote::<<<other. I have a terrible time

> > with this and it causes

> > no end to misundertanding me. I am scared of

> > other's

> > anger, that they will leave me because they

> are

> > angry

> > with me. Even though I am not like that

> myself.

> > And

> > like you said, it is a bit irrational. I used

> to

> > twist myself up into knots over someone's

> anger at

> > me.

> > I would give in, agree with anything to get it

> to

> > stop. Thank goodness I don't do that because

> that

> > is

> > a step to being emotionally blackmailed and

> > co-dependent. It was so hard to deal with.

> Over

> > time

> > I have learned to just calm down, be quiet and

> > listen

> > (although eventually if the anger doesn't

> stop, I

> > do

> > just leave for a while because I just can't

> handle

> > it).>>

> >

> > Here we go again - I could have written this!

> > Last night I had to talk to a

> > friend about her 2 boys behavior. She was

> pretty

> > upset to start with because she

> > already knew some of it from another friend.

> My

> > dd and I had to sit down with

> > her and her boys. We're talking 15 and 16 yo

> > guys. The oldest had used some

> > very crude language on-line with my daughter

> and I

> > was furious. Maybe

> > disappointed too - They have been raised by

> > Christian parents, are homeschooled

> > and I expected better behavior. The mom

> question

> > why my dd was on line with her

> > girlfriend at 2am - what did that have to do

> with

>

=== message truncated ===

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[Guest guest]

,

At least you know the truth and are moving on.

Unfortunately we can not change other people, but we

do not have to take their abuse.

I just don't have contact with my siblings now since

they believe " nada " . That is starting to change

somewhat with my father, in the sense that he is

actively trying to get them to see nada for who she

is. He left 25 yo, lives in Denver and both my

sisters live out there. I live on the East Coast so I

don't see him much, but he full out supports me and

this is new in the last 5 years. That he came back,

didn't believe the lies, believed me because of his

own experience and then shared more of some of the bad

things in my childhood has been so validating and so

important to my not getting hoovered.

He is trying to get my sisters to see that I am right,

that nada is lying all the time to protect herself and

that they are hurting themselves by having contact

with her and none with me. I can't affect the change,

I gave up, but he might. At least the burden is off

me, and he doesn't make me feel guilty about it. He

feels guilty about not being there more, and not

understanding what was going on. He left nada after

15 years and has been remarried for 20 years happily.

Like you, I lay it out like it is to my relatives and

if they don't like what I have to say, because it

rocks their precarious boats, is not my problem. I'm

telling the truth, my memories are valid and accurate,

and I refuse to have anything to do with nada or

others that are willing to abuse me to keep their

false reality intact. I know what is real, they do

not. I used to feel sorry for everybody, but realized

that each of us is responsible for our actions. I

feel sad that I don't have sisters right now, but they

need to face reality first before we could ever have a

relationship.

I stopped doing nice things for them about 5 years

ago, and I guess it didn't matter. They still send my

childrens birthday presents to my first husband's

house (my children's father, nbpd, married to him 12

years). That is how twisted my nada is, she got them

to do these things. I have been divorced from him for

9 years now! She still maintains a relationship with

him, much more of a relationship than she ever had

with me, so she can be " right " and I am the one with

the problems. He still doesn't understand that he is

just being manipulated to get back at me for speaking

out the truth - nada is an alcoholic, nada needs help

with her mental illnes, etc. Only recently has he

started to complain about nada, and seeing that maybe

I am right about her. Again, his problem, not mine.

So, I fully empathize with you , and know how

much it hurts.

--- wjseetch wrote:

> Hi ,

> Like you, I too had to live with people who listened

> to nada. I was always held up as too different from

> the family. As we kids grew older the situation

> became worse. Nada didn't have to put the thought

> there anymore, (although she still did) they came up

> with their own ways of making me feel bad. My sis

> would go out of her way to get me in trouble and

> nada was more than happy to punish me. I've just

> recently (June) began to talk to my sister after two

> years of silence. What a mistake. With all the

> stuff I'm dealing with my daughter, my sister has

> told her lies about me that defy imagination!!

> It's too funny. My daughter knows that these tales

> of hers are not true, but at the same time this is

> going on, my sis is telling me that she loves me and

> would do nothing to ruin our being able to talk to

> each other. Excuse me but I've got to put my boots

> on... it's getting deep!

> My bro's would also find ways to " get at me " . One

> bro likes the way I, financially, plan out my month

> and asked me to set up his office. Seven months

> later he wants the keys to his office back because

> " you like to plan out the whole month " Never mind

> that I now have him debt free and he has money in

> the bank for his business. Yesterday I asked to

> borrow the compressor from my youngest bro. Every

> fall I like to clean the furnace before lighting up.

> He told me no, because he had cut the hose. I found

> out that he had lied. Now these people are in their

> late thirties!! It's sad. I see denial everywhere

> with these people. And the back stabbing goes on.

> My dad was great, most of the time. He was

> supportive, loving and we knew when he hugged us he

> meant it. But he was usually a weekend dad, jobs

> being what they were, and only saw what she would

> let him see. When things did come to his attention,

> he would try to fix things. Which, I've come to see,

> was really his way of defusing things not really

> fixing them. But, he did try. My dads death was

> really hard on me, he was the only one in my family

> who I KNEW really loved me. Yet the life style of

> my family goes on. I removed myself from them by way

> of being the way they used to tell me was a

> curse....I was too different from them. I like

> knowing the truth and pointing it out to them when

> they would start the lying. I rock their safe little

> world. If they don't talk to me, so what! Come to

> think of it, they never ever really have. :0)

>

>

>

>

> handling anger and some

> > questions

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Steph wrote::<<<other. I have a terrible time

> > with this and it causes

> > no end to misundertanding me. I am scared of

> > other's

> > anger, that they will leave me because they

> are

> > angry

> > with me. Even though I am not like that

> myself.

> > And

> > like you said, it is a bit irrational. I used

> to

> > twist myself up into knots over someone's

> anger at

> > me.

> > I would give in, agree with anything to get it

> to

> > stop. Thank goodness I don't do that because

> that

> > is

> > a step to being emotionally blackmailed and

> > co-dependent. It was so hard to deal with.

> Over

> > time

> > I have learned to just calm down, be quiet and

> > listen

> > (although eventually if the anger doesn't

> stop, I

> > do

> > just leave for a while because I just can't

> handle

> > it).>>

> >

> > Here we go again - I could have written this!

> > Last night I had to talk to a

> > friend about her 2 boys behavior. She was

> pretty

> > upset to start with because she

> > already knew some of it from another friend.

> My

> > dd and I had to sit down with

> > her and her boys. We're talking 15 and 16 yo

> > guys. The oldest had used some

> > very crude language on-line with my daughter

> and I

> > was furious. Maybe

> > disappointed too - They have been raised by

> > Christian parents, are homeschooled

> > and I expected better behavior. The mom

> question

> > why my dd was on line with her

> > girlfriend at 2am - what did that have to do

> with

>

=== message truncated ===

__________________________________________________

Terrorist Attacks on U.S. - How can you help?

Donate cash, emergency relief information

http://dailynews.yahoo.com/fc/US/Emergency_Information/