Guest guest Posted April 3, 2001 Report Share Posted April 3, 2001 Dear Anon: Thanks so much for replying, wow, people really do read and validate for others. You are very right about being focused on her for my entire life. How difficult to switch gears and focus on myself, my child, marriage. My husband has had to endure a lot of " bad boundaries " imposed upon him by me. Now I realize that, and need to make some changes. I did eventually stop asking him to go home with me. How do I get my dad to see all this? In one sense he's figured out a method that works for him, but in another sense he's enabling her, especially in agreeing with her on important issues such as prescription drug use, staying in bed all day, and the well being of others, namely my child who's now only three. I just want him to know he's not alone and there are other ways to go about it. But you're right, neither he nor I are her therapist. I guess I'll just send him a SWOE book, to his office. Thanks, KT --- Anon Mous wrote: I would like to comment on this though... You said > " Now I wonder what to do to get her back to being more functional. " I want to caution you of a few things: 1) very few BPs are open to the > idea that they might have BPD, let alone to the idea > that they need to " improve " . Your mother probably thinks that she's perfectly functional (evidenced by her willingness to put your child's LIFE at risk). Number 2, even if she wants to improve, > it is NOT YOUR JOB to get your mother more > functional. Only she can make changes and do things to help herself, and (given point > number one) this is probably not very likely. If > she does show a willingness to change, the best you can do is tell her you are there for her and you love and support her. YOU CANNOT FIX HER. > You need to focus on working on YOURSELF. If your > life was anything like mine, you spent most of it focused on your mother. It's time to pay some well-deserved attention to your Self. > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2001 Report Share Posted April 3, 2001 Dear Anon: Thanks so much for replying, wow, people really do read and validate for others. You are very right about being focused on her for my entire life. How difficult to switch gears and focus on myself, my child, marriage. My husband has had to endure a lot of " bad boundaries " imposed upon him by me. Now I realize that, and need to make some changes. I did eventually stop asking him to go home with me. How do I get my dad to see all this? In one sense he's figured out a method that works for him, but in another sense he's enabling her, especially in agreeing with her on important issues such as prescription drug use, staying in bed all day, and the well being of others, namely my child who's now only three. I just want him to know he's not alone and there are other ways to go about it. But you're right, neither he nor I are her therapist. I guess I'll just send him a SWOE book, to his office. Thanks, KT --- Anon Mous wrote: I would like to comment on this though... You said > " Now I wonder what to do to get her back to being more functional. " I want to caution you of a few things: 1) very few BPs are open to the > idea that they might have BPD, let alone to the idea > that they need to " improve " . Your mother probably thinks that she's perfectly functional (evidenced by her willingness to put your child's LIFE at risk). Number 2, even if she wants to improve, > it is NOT YOUR JOB to get your mother more > functional. Only she can make changes and do things to help herself, and (given point > number one) this is probably not very likely. If > she does show a willingness to change, the best you can do is tell her you are there for her and you love and support her. YOU CANNOT FIX HER. > You need to focus on working on YOURSELF. If your > life was anything like mine, you spent most of it focused on your mother. It's time to pay some well-deserved attention to your Self. > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2001 Report Share Posted April 3, 2001 Dear Anon: Thanks so much for replying, wow, people really do read and validate for others. You are very right about being focused on her for my entire life. How difficult to switch gears and focus on myself, my child, marriage. My husband has had to endure a lot of " bad boundaries " imposed upon him by me. Now I realize that, and need to make some changes. I did eventually stop asking him to go home with me. How do I get my dad to see all this? In one sense he's figured out a method that works for him, but in another sense he's enabling her, especially in agreeing with her on important issues such as prescription drug use, staying in bed all day, and the well being of others, namely my child who's now only three. I just want him to know he's not alone and there are other ways to go about it. But you're right, neither he nor I are her therapist. I guess I'll just send him a SWOE book, to his office. Thanks, KT --- Anon Mous wrote: I would like to comment on this though... You said > " Now I wonder what to do to get her back to being more functional. " I want to caution you of a few things: 1) very few BPs are open to the > idea that they might have BPD, let alone to the idea > that they need to " improve " . Your mother probably thinks that she's perfectly functional (evidenced by her willingness to put your child's LIFE at risk). Number 2, even if she wants to improve, > it is NOT YOUR JOB to get your mother more > functional. Only she can make changes and do things to help herself, and (given point > number one) this is probably not very likely. If > she does show a willingness to change, the best you can do is tell her you are there for her and you love and support her. YOU CANNOT FIX HER. > You need to focus on working on YOURSELF. If your > life was anything like mine, you spent most of it focused on your mother. It's time to pay some well-deserved attention to your Self. > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2001 Report Share Posted April 3, 2001 KT, I also struggle with how to handle things with my dad. He is a wonderful, caring, loving (co-dependent) person. When I first found out about BPD, I told him all about it. He read I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, and I e-mailed him excerpts from SWOE and other resources. We discussed it a lot and how it applied to nada. He was pretty open and we shared a lot of things. I realized after a few weeks, though, that I was trying to " rescue " him. In my own, lovely co-dependent way, I was trying to manipulate his behavior to be what I wanted (dump nada and love me). I have now realized that I can't do that. I still share with him any knowledge I have, as well as resources (although he doesn't feel free to read all the books I have... I mean, what do you say when your spouse asks why you're reading a book on BPD?). I know that I have to be content with providing him with all of the knowledge that is available to me, and then letting him decide what to do. He is his own person, and he has to make up his own mind -- I can't be responsible for him (sometimes a difficult concept for me, with all of my co-dependent leanings!). I do think, though, that letting him know he's not alone, and that you love and support him, no matter what he decides to do, is a very good thing. I think it's important for us KOs to learn to do this, because it's what we so desperately needed (but didn't get) from the BP in our life. I hope this helps. Hugs, Anon --- K T wrote: > Dear Anon: > > Thanks so much for replying, wow, people really do > read and validate for others. You are very right > about being focused on her for my entire life. How > difficult to switch gears and focus on myself, my > child, marriage. My husband has had to endure a lot > of " bad boundaries " imposed upon him by me. Now I > realize that, and need to make some changes. I did > eventually stop asking him to go home with me. > > How do I get my dad to see all this? In one sense he's > figured out a method that works for him, but in > another sense he's enabling her, especially in > agreeing with her on important issues such as > prescription drug use, staying in bed all day, and the > well being of others, namely my child who's now only > three. I just want him to know he's not alone and > there are other ways to go about it. > > But you're right, neither he nor I are her therapist. > I guess I'll just send him a SWOE book, to his office. > > Thanks, > KT > > --- Anon Mous wrote: > I would like to comment on this though... You said > > " Now I wonder what to do to get her back to being > more functional. " I want to caution you of a few > things: 1) very few BPs are open to the > > idea that they might have BPD, let alone to the idea > > that they need to " improve " . Your mother probably > thinks that she's perfectly functional (evidenced by > her willingness to put your child's LIFE at risk). > Number 2, even if she wants to improve, > > it is NOT YOUR JOB to get your mother more > > functional. Only she can make changes and do things > to help herself, and (given point > > number one) this is probably not very likely. If > > she does show a willingness to change, the best you > can do is tell her you are there for her and you love > and support her. YOU CANNOT FIX HER. > > You need to focus on working on YOURSELF. If your > > life was anything like mine, you spent most of it > focused on your mother. It's time to pay some > well-deserved attention to your Self. __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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