Sadly, so many things in common

March 24, 2001

Hi to all. I read posts, mostly, but I've read so many of your

posts now, it just takes my breath away to see how many

nada behaviors we all have experienced in common:

I too am writing what I call a " retro diary " detailing all my

memories of abuse.

I tried to run away from home, as a pre-schooler.

When we were little, my sister and I would get screamed at,

slapped in the face, hit with a belt, and verbally battered for minor

things, like not folding the towels properly or not understanding

how to dress ourselves. Yet, when my sister was raped as a

young teen, did nada or dad become enraged, call the police,

have the wretched little bastards who raped my sister arrested or

take their parents to court? Nope. They just decided to " let it

pass. "

Everything had to look perfect in nada's home in case a neighbor

should drop by. None ever did.

She dressed us well, we looked like perfect little dolls. But I was

not allowed to choose my own clothes or hairstyle; I had to go to

war to get this privilege as a teen. Nada pouted for a long, long

time over this. My teen years were rough. I was made to feel

inept and inadequate on many levels.

She refused to teach me anything, like how to cook or sew, and I

rarely even got to help her prepare any food, because " I made

her too nervous and made too much mess. "

Nada says she was dyslexic, and never enjoyed reading.

I was the " good " child, and my sister was the " scapegoat. "

I had/have no privacy of person. Nada still takes any opportunity

to try and see me naked. Its especially humiliating because I am

very fat and she isn't.

After I moved out of my parents' home to live on my own, she

would proudly give me discarded, damaged things or smelly,

stained clothes she had bought for a quarter at a garage sale.

Or, she would surprise me with a new, expensive item without

even asking me if it was something I wanted, needed, or liked.

If I am visiting, she will invariably ask me if I want to play cards.

I

have never liked to play cards, and always say no, thanks, I don't

like to play cards. But she will always ask, every time. It just

occured to me that I could say " Gee, mom, I guess that

Alzheimers thing is kicking in for you. You've forgotten that I've

never enjoyed card games, haven't you? " She is very proud of

her memory and doesn't like to admit that she is old, so that

comment might do the trick.

She decided to move to a smaller home, and asked me if I

particularly wanted any of her furniture or things. When I told her

the pieces I would like, guess what? Those are the ones she

decided to keep and use.

If I call her on the phone, she'll talk non-stop for a half-hour

without even asking why I called.

If I have any little accomplishment or success story to share with

her, she will either inflate it beyond all believability to her

friends

and relatives, or she will say that's nice, but so-and-so is

famous. Why aren't you famous?

I think my nada has a lot of narcissism mixed in with the BPD.

Dad went through life wearing reality-proof goggles. He drank

himself to death at a relatively young age. He let mom have

complete control of us kids, and very rarely spoke up about the

way she treated us.

She's a little better now that she's elderly (she is unable to

physically abuse us anymore) but she is still a master of the

" sneak self-esteem attack " , the " guilt trip " , and the

" You are my robot-servant. " routine.

I am successful professionally, but I recognize now that I am and

probably have been depressed my entire life. I never married or

had kids. I am terrified of intimacy, but I am in the process of

becoming an adult, in middle age. I am grateful for these lists

and reading about how all of you are dealing with your nadas

and fadas. I want a chance at some bliss, too.

DollyHy, aka toonergal

March 24, 2001

I was deeply touched by what you wrote DollyHy

Yes our stories really are too similar...

Like our parents went to the same course in how to lay guilt trips on

their kids...

I am trying to break loose and also avoid bp/dysfunctional men in the

future. The problem is I am not sure how to detect them, so I

mistrust most humans...

Pirjo

March 24, 2001

I was deeply touched by what you wrote DollyHy

Yes our stories really are too similar...

Like our parents went to the same course in how to lay guilt trips on

their kids...

I am trying to break loose and also avoid bp/dysfunctional men in the

future. The problem is I am not sure how to detect them, so I

mistrust most humans...

Pirjo

March 24, 2001

I was deeply touched by what you wrote DollyHy

Yes our stories really are too similar...

Like our parents went to the same course in how to lay guilt trips on

their kids...

I am trying to break loose and also avoid bp/dysfunctional men in the

future. The problem is I am not sure how to detect them, so I

mistrust most humans...

Pirjo

March 25, 2001

Hi Pirjo/vinna,

Thanks for your reply; that was very kind of you. I too have been

reading your posts and can understand your fear of getting close

to people. My experience growing up was that personal things I

shared with other people, especially nada, would probably be

used as a weapon to humiliate me with later. She loved to

ridicule anything that differed from her tastes and opinions (and

still does.)

On the subject of men:

I think I could recognize a man with a personality disorder more

easily now, but I'm kind of old to break in to the dating scene. I

have the impression that you are younger than me, so I hope that

you can become emotionally healthy soon and able to recognize

a good man to marry and have children with, like normal people

do.

-DollyHy

> I was deeply touched by what you wrote DollyHy

> Yes our stories really are too similar...

> Like our parents went to the same course in how to lay guilt

trips on

> their kids...

> I am trying to break loose and also avoid bp/dysfunctional men

in the

> future. The problem is I am not sure how to detect them, so I

> mistrust most humans...

> Pirjo

March 25, 2001

What is it with Nadas' trying to see their children naked? My nada does the

same thing, it is weird and humiliating. Also, I am in the process of

setting the first boundries with her. For example, I don't return her phone

calls and I don't go out with her unless it is a family affair. How did

your Nadas react when you cut them loose? I am afraid mine is going to try

to hurt herself to make me feel guilty or the abuse that I experienced as a

child could not compared to what she has in store for me now that I have

turned my back to her. Help I am scared of what the next steps will bring!

>From: toonergal@...

>Reply-To: ModOasis

>To: ModOasis

>Subject: Sadly, so many things in common

>Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2001 21:40:05 -0000

>

>Hi to all. I read posts, mostly, but I've read so many of your

>posts now, it just takes my breath away to see how many

>nada behaviors we all have experienced in common:

>

>I too am writing what I call a " retro diary " detailing all my

>memories of abuse.

>

>I tried to run away from home, as a pre-schooler.

>

>When we were little, my sister and I would get screamed at,

>slapped in the face, hit with a belt, and verbally battered for minor

>things, like not folding the towels properly or not understanding

>how to dress ourselves. Yet, when my sister was raped as a

>young teen, did nada or dad become enraged, call the police,

>have the wretched little bastards who raped my sister arrested or

>take their parents to court? Nope. They just decided to " let it

>pass. "

>

>Everything had to look perfect in nada's home in case a neighbor

>should drop by. None ever did.

>

>She dressed us well, we looked like perfect little dolls. But I was

>not allowed to choose my own clothes or hairstyle; I had to go to

>war to get this privilege as a teen. Nada pouted for a long, long

>time over this. My teen years were rough. I was made to feel

>inept and inadequate on many levels.

>

>She refused to teach me anything, like how to cook or sew, and I

>rarely even got to help her prepare any food, because " I made

>her too nervous and made too much mess. "

>

>Nada says she was dyslexic, and never enjoyed reading.

>

>I was the " good " child, and my sister was the " scapegoat. "

>

>I had/have no privacy of person. Nada still takes any opportunity

>to try and see me naked. Its especially humiliating because I am

>very fat and she isn't.

>

>After I moved out of my parents' home to live on my own, she

>would proudly give me discarded, damaged things or smelly,

>stained clothes she had bought for a quarter at a garage sale.

>Or, she would surprise me with a new, expensive item without

>even asking me if it was something I wanted, needed, or liked.

>

>If I am visiting, she will invariably ask me if I want to play cards.

> I

>have never liked to play cards, and always say no, thanks, I don't

>like to play cards. But she will always ask, every time. It just

>occured to me that I could say " Gee, mom, I guess that

>Alzheimers thing is kicking in for you. You've forgotten that I've

>never enjoyed card games, haven't you? " She is very proud of

>her memory and doesn't like to admit that she is old, so that

>comment might do the trick.

>

>She decided to move to a smaller home, and asked me if I

>particularly wanted any of her furniture or things. When I told her

>the pieces I would like, guess what? Those are the ones she

>decided to keep and use.

>

>If I call her on the phone, she'll talk non-stop for a half-hour

>without even asking why I called.

>

>If I have any little accomplishment or success story to share with

>her, she will either inflate it beyond all believability to her

>friends

>and relatives, or she will say that's nice, but so-and-so is

>famous. Why aren't you famous?

>

>I think my nada has a lot of narcissism mixed in with the BPD.

>Dad went through life wearing reality-proof goggles. He drank

>himself to death at a relatively young age. He let mom have

>complete control of us kids, and very rarely spoke up about the

>way she treated us.

>

>She's a little better now that she's elderly (she is unable to

>physically abuse us anymore) but she is still a master of the

> " sneak self-esteem attack " , the " guilt trip " , and the

> " You are my robot-servant. " routine.

>

>I am successful professionally, but I recognize now that I am and

>probably have been depressed my entire life. I never married or

>had kids. I am terrified of intimacy, but I am in the process of

>becoming an adult, in middle age. I am grateful for these lists

>and reading about how all of you are dealing with your nadas

>and fadas. I want a chance at some bliss, too.

>

>DollyHy, aka toonergal

>

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March 25, 2001