Minor Children, BP Parent(s), 1

[Guest guest]

This is such an important topic I am just going to post chapter 7 from SWOE.

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Many people with BPD never act out in front of their children. Others feel

the urge, but consciously make an effort to shield their children from their

BPD behavior. Indeed, borderlines who are aware of their issues and work to

overcome them can be excellent parents-better parents, even, than those who

don't have the disorder but aren't as introspective.

However, some people with BPD are unable or unwilling to adjust their

behavior around their children. Perhaps they raise their voice more than they

should. Or, they may experience states of depression that leave them unable

to focus on their children as much as they would like to. At the other end of

the spectrum, BPD can cause parents to be extremely abusive or neglectful.

As you read this chapter, keep in mind that not all people with BPD act out

toward their children. In addition, borderline behaviors directed toward

children can vary greatly in their intensity depending on the situation and

the BP involved.

Typical Problems with BP Parents

As we said in chapter 3, in some ways people with BPD are emotionally and

developmentally similar to children. Like children, they may find it

difficult to set aside their own needs to focus on those of others. The BP

may not be able to adequately consider the children's needs, feelings, and

wishes. They may be so preoccupied with their own emotional difficulties that

they overlook their children's emotional needs. They may also resent that the

children's needs and feelings are different from their own, and may therefore

ridicule, invalidate, or dismiss them. If the child is happy when the parent

is sad, this may be taken as a sign of disloyalty and insensitivity.

Some BPs find it difficult to separate their relationships with their

children from their problems with others. For example, they may have a hard

time acknowledging that their children can have their own positive

relationships with people the BP may not like. They may also try to get back

at others through their children. Some BPs try to force a child to choose

between a relationship with them and being true to themselves; for example,

they may tell a child they are selfish for wanting to spend time with friends.

Other BP parents are inconsistent with their parenting. They may vacillate

between overinvolvement and neglect, depending upon their mood and emotional

needs at the moment. They may only pay attention to the children when the

kids are doing something to meet the borderline's needs. Some BPs try to cope

with their own feelings of inadequacy by demanding that their children be

perfect. Children may then feel worthless when something goes wrong. They may

also try to get their emotional needs met through the children in ways that

are inappropriate (e.g., having a ten-year-old sleep in the same bed because

the BP doesn't want to sleep alone).

Some BPs act toward children as if they are all good or all bad. This can

hurt children's self-esteem and make it difficult for them to develop a

consistent sense of self. BP parents may turn their love off and on; their

children thus learn not to trust them (and sometimes, not to trust anyone

else). The BP's behavior may be so unpredictable that the child's focus

becomes stabilizing the parent, to the detriment of the child's normal

development. Some BPs alternate between taking too little and too much

responsibility. For example, the BP may ignore the negative effects of their

actions on the children, but then feel guilty or depressed when a child gets

a bad grade.

BP parents may feel threatened by children's normal behavior. As children

grow and become more independent, the BP may feel abandoned and become

depressed and may rage at the children. The BP may also unconsciously try to

increase their children's dependence on them. Children thus may have a hard

time separating from the parent or feeling competent at handling their own

life. When children become angry themselves, the BP may take it personally

and rage back, escalating the situation.

Some BPs may need children to be a certain way and may have a hard time

loving them unconditionally. They may need the children to be perfect in

order to make up for their own feelings of inadequacy. When children disobey,

the BP may feel unloved, become angry or depressed, and withdraw their own

love. Children then learn that their parent's love is conditional. They may

need to believe that their child is stupid, a failure, or unattractive so

they don't have to be alone with similar feelings about themselves. Also,

this allows the BP to feel more competent than someone else in their life.

They may need their child to be just like them and may feel threatened when

the child has different feelings and opinions. This parenting trait is common

in people with another personality disorder: Narcissistic Personality

Disorder.

Elan Golomb (1992) writes:

The pressure to conform to expectations is like the water in which a fish

swims, so relentless and uniform that the child is hardly aware of it. [These

children] feel as if they do not have the right to exist. Their selves have

been twist-ed out of their natural shape since any movement toward

independence is treated as a betrayal that can cause the parent irreparable

harm.

Though Golomb writes about another disorder, the effect on children is

similar. Some BPs may be physically or emotionally abusive or neglectful.

Their impulsive behavior may threaten the safety or well-being of their

children, or they may hit or slap the children. The BP may also call the

children damaging names or tell them outright that they are bad and unworthy.

This sabotages the child's self-concept, self-esteem, and self-worth. In a

less directly abusive but equally damaging way, the BP may be unable or

unwilling to protect children from the abuse of others, either because they

feel that doing so might threaten their relationship with their partner or

because they are too consumed by their own problems. Children often interpret

this as a reflection of their own lack of self-worth.

Potential Consequences of Uncontrolled BPD Behavior

In our interview with T. Pickens, M.D., he said, " Parents who verbally

abuse their children will cause emotional damage. How much damage depends on

many factors, such as the inherited temperament of the child, the amount of

love and empathy given to the child by other adults, the age of the child

(the younger the child, the more vulnerable they are), the intensity of the

abuse, and other factors. "

Janet R. ston, Ph.D., the executive director of the Judith Wallerstein

Center for the Family in Transition, believes that the impact of BPD behavior

on children varies according to the behavior of the BPD parent and the

temperament of the child. For example, if a BP parent who primarily acts in

is matched with a child who has a " caregiver " personality, the child may feel

responsible for keeping the parent alive and happy.

Sela (BP)

My three-year-old, Bess, watched when the ambulance took me away after I had

taken too many pills. She plays quietly with her toys when I lie in bed, so

depressed that I can barely get up to feed her. When I even pretend to cry,

her eyes well up with tears. Her first full sentence was, " Is mommy okay? "

When I am happy and beginning to pull out of the black pit, she grows and

changes at lightning speed, as if to make up for the time she has lost trying

to cope within my shadow. I am determined to get through this horror so I can

be a real mommy, not a burden to her.

A primarily acting-out parent combined with a more assertive child could

create a unique type of chaos. When one BP mother raged, her son would write

phrases like " shut up! " and " I hate you! " on pieces of paper and throw them

at his mother.

Many studies have shown that BPD tends to run in families. Children who do

not develop BPD themselves may be at risk for developing BPD-related traits

such as difficulties regulating their emotions; problems with eating

disorders, addictions, and substance abuse; tendencies to overidealize or

devalue people; and feelings of shame, emptiness, and inferiority. This

tendency may result from biological factors as well as environmental ones.

From SWOE, Chapter 7

Randi Kreger

List owner, Welcome To Oz Lists

Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells

Love and Loathing, Hope for Parents

www.BPDCentral.com