Re: New to the group and need some advice!!!

[Guest guest]

Individuals with autism need very clear and consistent boundaries, expectations,

and consequences. Without them their world can be very chaotic, confusing, and

overwhelming. Also, with very clear and consistent boundaries and consequences

they feel insecure, anxious, and disorganized. I would look in your area for a

behavior specialist who can design a behavior plan for you daughter.

Bill

>

> Hi Tobie,

>   It does sound like you are feeling very frustrated and it really is hard

raising a special needs child especially coming into it late when they are

older.  I admire you for taking this on and am so glad you are looking for some

help from a counselor.  I want to say first you are sounding angry at the child

but really like all children if she is not being taught the appropriate

behaviors then she doesn't know it's wrong and isn't doing it on purpose (and

even if she does know and gets away with it she will keep doing it and truly so

would most kids) .  I would look into a behavioral counselor as well as using a

plan that rewards the positive behavior.  Does she understand consequence?  If

she does there are programs where she loses privileges for negative behavior and

gains them back with positive ones.  I am so glad you are trying to help her

since these skills are very hard for our kids.  It can take a long time and a

lot of consistency to

> overcome established behaviors but in the end everyone wins!  I don't know

your situation and this is just my own opinion but I really hope it helps and

I'm sure others will answer as well.  Welcome to the group, Kellie

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: AutismBehaviorProblems

> Sent: Friday, April 10, 2009 10:22:41 AM

> Subject: New to the group and need some advice!!!

>

>

>

>

>

> My name is Tobie and my husband is Tony.This a a thrid marriage for both of us

and combined we have 8 kids(me 6 all " normal " ,him 2-1 with autism)we are

expecting " our first " baby in August. We have 4 of my kids ages 20,10,9,5 and 1

of his age 20(she is the child with autism),living with us at the moment.

>

> Here is my problem-Tony refuses to discipline his daughter.She has been

getting it trouble at her " school " and has almost cost my husband his job.(He

works as a bus driver for our district)He tries to justify this by saying that

" He doesnt want her to have a tantrum here at home " . We have done family

counseling and we both told that she does need to disciplined( punished- and no

we dont physically punish any of the kids,lol)as we would the other kids(she has

a mind set of a 9 year old).But time and time again,its like she is getting away

with " murder " and the other kids and I are getting frustrated!! This is causing

the others to act out and to be honest I dont know what to do!! So if anyone has

some advice or guideance,I would greatful!!

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Kellie,

Thanks for the input!! I really hate to admit that I am angry with her,but more with her dad than her,really. She is very high functioning and does understand having things given and taken away according to her behaviors.And yes I agree that ALL kids(I know mine do!!LOL)act up from time to time,but again like I said its just more that her father just "wont deal" with her in fear that she she will have a tantrum. He has raised her for 9 years(after her mom remarried and 2 more kids,she tried to burn her house down and she attacked her 2 year old stepbrother with a knife) and I truly give him credit for taking her,but I just cant get him to see that he really is not doing her any favors by not doing anythning about her behaviors. I just dont see how it will ever work for any of us,exspecially when she get accepted into a residential faucility and acts this way. Some days I think that I need a time out!!! LOL!! Thanks again for your feed

back!!

Luv ya, Tobie

Subject: Re: New to the group and need some advice!!!To: AutismBehaviorProblems Date: Friday, April 10, 2009, 9:44 AM

Hi Tobie,

It does sound like you are feeling very frustrated and it really is hard raising a special needs child especially coming into it late when they are older. I admire you for taking this on and am so glad you are looking for some help from a counselor. I want to say first you are sounding angry at the child but really like all children if she is not being taught the appropriate behaviors then she doesn't know it's wrong and isn't doing it on purpose (and even if she does know and gets away with it she will keep doing it and truly so would most kids) . I would look into a behavioral counselor as well as using a plan that rewards the positive behavior. Does she understand consequence? If she does there are programs where she loses privileges for negative behavior and gains them back with positive ones. I am so glad you are trying to help her since these skills are very hard for our kids. It can take a

long time and a lot of consistency to overcome established behaviors but in the end everyone wins! I don't know your situation and this is just my own opinion but I really hope it helps and I'm sure others will answer as well. Welcome to the group, Kellie

From: tobieluvsdalejr <tobieluvsdalejr@ yahoo.com>To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) comSent: Friday, April 10, 2009 10:22:41 AMSubject: New to the group and need some advice!!!

My name is Tobie and my husband is Tony.This a a thrid marriage for both of us and combined we have 8 kids(me 6 all "normal",him 2-1 with autism)we are expecting "our first" baby in August. We have 4 of my kids ages 20,10,9,5 and 1 of his age 20(she is the child with autism),living with us at the moment.Here is my problem-Tony refuses to discipline his daughter.She has been getting it trouble at her "school" and has almost cost my husband his job.(He works as a bus driver for our district)He tries to justify this by saying that "He doesnt want her to have a tantrum here at home". We have done family counseling and we both told that she does need to disciplined( punished- and no we dont physically punish any of the kids,lol)as we would the other kids(she has a mind set of a 9 year old).But time and time again,its like she is getting away with "murder" and the other kids and I are getting frustrated!! This is causing the others to act out and

to be honest I dont know what to do!! So if anyone has some advice or guideance,I would greatful!!

[Guest guest]

Tobie,

You are so right about the time out!! I give myself one every once in awhile. Of course that means I lock the bathroom door and sit on the tub mostly while I try and ignore the kid pounding on it. I think men react differently to autism. I do agree with you that he isn't really helping her by giving in to her behaviors. I always try and remind myself that I won't be able to take care of forever and someday he will be here without me. My job besides loving and caring for him is to make him the best most independent person he can be. Sometimes I really just want to give in and I'm really tired of fighting but I have learned that if you stay consistent and don't give in the behaviors can change. Maybe he would be willing to pick one or two behaviors and try to get them under control. Start small and work your way up? I think learning to self regulate and have emotional and

physical control is one of the hardest things for our kids. It has got to be harder with an adult with autism. My son is only 8 but there are other parents in the group with older children who may be able to help more. Kellie

To: AutismBehaviorProblems Sent: Friday, April 10, 2009 12:48:18 PMSubject: Re: New to the group and need some advice!!!

Dear Kellie,

Thanks for the input!! I really hate to admit that I am angry with her,but more with her dad than her,really. She is very high functioning and does understand having things given and taken away according to her behaviors.And yes I agree that ALL kids(I know mine do!!LOL)act up from time to time,but again like I said its just more that her father just "wont deal" with her in fear that she she will have a tantrum. He has raised her for 9 years(after her mom remarried and 2 more kids,she tried to burn her house down and she attacked her 2 year old stepbrother with a knife) and I truly give him credit for taking her,but I just cant get him to see that he really is not doing her any favors by not doing anythning about her behaviors. I just dont see how it will ever work for any of us,exspecially when she get accepted into a residential faucility and acts this way. Some days I think that I need a time out!!! LOL!! Thanks again for your feed

back!!

Luv ya, Tobie

From: Kellie Folkerts <folkangelymail (DOT) com>Subject: Re: New to the group and need some advice!!!To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Friday, April 10, 2009, 9:44 AM

Hi Tobie,

It does sound like you are feeling very frustrated and it really is hard raising a special needs child especially coming into it late when they are older. I admire you for taking this on and am so glad you are looking for some help from a counselor. I want to say first you are sounding angry at the child but really like all children if she is not being taught the appropriate behaviors then she doesn't know it's wrong and isn't doing it on purpose (and even if she does know and gets away with it she will keep doing it and truly so would most kids) . I would look into a behavioral counselor as well as using a plan that rewards the positive behavior. Does she understand consequence? If she does there are programs where she loses privileges for negative behavior and gains them back with positive ones. I am so glad you are trying to help her since these skills are very hard for our kids. It can take a

long time and a lot of consistency to overcome established behaviors but in the end everyone wins! I don't know your situation and this is just my own opinion but I really hope it helps and I'm sure others will answer as well. Welcome to the group, Kellie

From: tobieluvsdalejr <tobieluvsdalejr@ yahoo.com>To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) comSent: Friday, April 10, 2009 10:22:41 AMSubject: New to the group and need some advice!!!

My name is Tobie and my husband is Tony.This a a thrid marriage for both of us and combined we have 8 kids(me 6 all "normal",him 2-1 with autism)we are expecting "our first" baby in August. We have 4 of my kids ages 20,10,9,5 and 1 of his age 20(she is the child with autism),living with us at the moment.Here is my problem-Tony refuses to discipline his daughter.She has been getting it trouble at her "school" and has almost cost my husband his job..(He works as a bus driver for our district)He tries to justify this by saying that "He doesnt want her to have a tantrum here at home". We have done family counseling and we both told that she does need to disciplined( punished- and no we dont physically punish any of the kids,lol)as we would the other kids(she has a mind set of a 9 year old).But time and time again,its like she is getting away with "murder" and the other kids and I are getting frustrated!! This is causing the others to act out and

to be honest I dont know what to do!! So if anyone has some advice or guideance,I would greatful!!

[Guest guest]

Kellie,

I am so sooo greatful to find someone that doesnt "judge me" as a parent or a step parent,and your words have really been a great comfort to me!! I really stepped into this blind and had no clue what so ever!! Do you think I could ask your advice on one other issue?? I(we) have pretty much decided that the baby we are having in Aug. will be the last and have been talking "surgery',but lately I have been having mixed thoughts about this issue.. You know the "what ifs". Do you think it would be selfish to wait and see if this baby is autisic?? And since I dont have a special needs bio child,I have been wondering if its"my turn". Like I said,these are really totally selfish thoughts.

And I have decided that after this Easter weekend, I am going to sit down and try to talk with husband about at least trying to find compromise in trying to curb at least one of her bad behaviors. I am so glad to have this sight and I really want to help without any more resentment. Thanks and I hope you have a great weekend!!

Luv ya, Tobie

From: Kellie Folkerts <folkangelymail (DOT) com>Subject: Re: New to the group and need some advice!!!To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Friday, April 10, 2009, 9:44 AM

Hi Tobie,

It does sound like you are feeling very frustrated and it really is hard raising a special needs child especially coming into it late when they are older. I admire you for taking this on and am so glad you are looking for some help from a counselor. I want to say first you are sounding angry at the child but really like all children if she is not being taught the appropriate behaviors then she doesn't know it's wrong and isn't doing it on purpose (and even if she does know and gets away with it she will keep doing it and truly so would most kids) . I would look into a behavioral counselor as well as using a plan that rewards the positive behavior. Does she understand consequence? If she does there are programs where she loses privileges for negative behavior and gains them back with positive ones. I am so glad you are trying to help her since these skills are very hard for our kids. It can take a

long time and a lot of consistency to overcome established behaviors but in the end everyone wins! I don't know your situation and this is just my own opinion but I really hope it helps and I'm sure others will answer as well. Welcome to the group, Kellie

From: tobieluvsdalejr <tobieluvsdalejr@ yahoo.com>To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) comSent: Friday, April 10, 2009 10:22:41 AMSubject: New to the group and need some advice!!!

My name is Tobie and my husband is Tony.This a a thrid marriage for both of us and combined we have 8 kids(me 6 all "normal",him 2-1 with autism)we are expecting "our first" baby in August. We have 4 of my kids ages 20,10,9,5 and 1 of his age 20(she is the child with autism),living with us at the moment.Here is my problem-Tony refuses to discipline his daughter.She has been getting it trouble at her "school" and has almost cost my husband his job..(He works as a bus driver for our district)He tries to justify this by saying that "He doesnt want her to have a tantrum here at home". We have done family counseling and we both told that she does need to disciplined( punished- and no we dont physically punish any of the kids,lol)as we would the other kids(she has a mind set of a 9 year old).But time and time again,its like she is getting away with "murder" and the other kids and I are getting frustrated!! This is causing the others to act out and

to be honest I dont know what to do!! So if anyone has some advice or guideance,I would greatful!!

[Guest guest]

have you thought about the medernia IUD it last 5 years and is pretty inexpensive and can be removed at anytime to have children. It is cheaper then doing surgery it is just as effective and is not permanent. Depending on how old you are you may not have to have that many put in before the change.

I do not think that you are wrong to want to wait I think we all go through that and wonder if we will have a normal child next.

Holly

From: Kellie Folkerts <folkangelymail (DOT) com>Subject: Re: New to the group and need some advice!!!To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Friday, April 10, 2009, 9:44 AM

Hi Tobie,

It does sound like you are feeling very frustrated and it really is hard raising a special needs child especially coming into it late when they are older. I admire you for taking this on and am so glad you are looking for some help from a counselor. I want to say first you are sounding angry at the child but really like all children if she is not being taught the appropriate behaviors then she doesn't know it's wrong and isn't doing it on purpose (and even if she does know and gets away with it she will keep doing it and truly so would most kids) . I would look into a behavioral counselor as well as using a plan that rewards the positive behavior. Does she understand consequence? If she does there are programs where she loses privileges for negative behavior and gains them back with positive ones. I am so glad you are trying to help her since these skills are very hard for our kids. It can take a

long time and a lot of consistency to overcome established behaviors but in the end everyone wins! I don't know your situation and this is just my own opinion but I really hope it helps and I'm sure others will answer as well. Welcome to the group, Kellie

From: tobieluvsdalejr <tobieluvsdalejr@ yahoo.com>To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) comSent: Friday, April 10, 2009 10:22:41 AMSubject: New to the group and need some advice!!!

My name is Tobie and my husband is Tony.This a a thrid marriage for both of us and combined we have 8 kids(me 6 all "normal",him 2-1 with autism)we are expecting "our first" baby in August. We have 4 of my kids ages 20,10,9,5 and 1 of his age 20(she is the child with autism),living with us at the moment.Here is my problem-Tony refuses to discipline his daughter.She has been getting it trouble at her "school" and has almost cost my husband his job..(He works as a bus driver for our district)He tries to justify this by saying that "He doesnt want her to have a tantrum here at home". We have done family counseling and we both told that she does need to disciplined( punished- and no we dont physically punish any of the kids,lol)as we would the other kids(she has a mind set of a 9 year old).But time and time again,its like she is getting away with "murder" and the other kids and I are getting frustrated!! This is causing the others to act out and

to be honest I dont know what to do!! So if anyone has some advice or guideance,I would greatful!!