...

February 21, 2003

I sure will, we've been trying to get things figured out about heading down

that. Cody is 7 & it'd be prime time for him. Hugs to you all1

K.

February 21, 2003

I sure will, we've been trying to get things figured out about heading down

that. Cody is 7 & it'd be prime time for him. Hugs to you all1

K.

April 6, 2005

Hi ,

I understand being angry at God and yourself and

others. It's easy to get mad, especially when we don't

know how to fix the problem. It would be a lot easier

if we knew what caused Autism or how to cure it. If we

knew what caused it, for example we could say " oh, it

was my fault, i did such and such when I was pregnant "

or " well, it was in my genes, and not Gods or my

fault, just nature and passed down from who knows who,

through me to my child " And if we knew that shots or

mercury or whatever caused it, we could be mad at or

sue the doctors or whoever inflicted our children, but

not knowing makes us want to blame everyone and

everything, and we worry constantly about what we

could have done differently.

The thing is, we must stop focusing on why or what

caused it, and realize that our children do have it,

and try to focus all our attention on what we can do

to help them and let them know that we love them and

it's not their fault and we are not angry at them for

having it. We need them to know that we would love

them the same with or without this hardship.

Like I said if we knew the cure it would also be

easier, because we could focus on that and say " hey it

doesn't matter what caused it, cuz I can fix it, or

get help to fix it " but again since we can not at this

point, we just need to be there for our children and

our spouses and let them be there for us.

There is a wonderful book that has helped my husband

and I immensley with the same hatred and anger

feelings that you have mentioned and I am sure all of

us feel at one time or another. I am a christian

woman, but I find that their are many things that can

help us, from many various religions. You don't have

to agree with everything they say or believe to take

advice from them. This book is by a Jewish Rabbi, who

has been through way more than most of us will ever

have to face.

He and his wife had a son who stopped growing at 8

months, never got any taller or bigger, but lived till

he was 16. Their son had a rare rare rare combination

of deseases where he had all kinds of health problems

and though he never grew bigger, he aged rapidly. So

that befor his death at age 16 he looked just like a

90 yr old man, only as small as a baby. There was no

definition for he or his wife to explain to others

their son's condition. At least we can say, " My child

is Autistic " and though many people don't know what

that is, they can look it up or find out, but this boy

had no label and people just stared and said unkind

things. For a long time The Rabbi and his wife were so

angry at God, but this book tells of their struggles

and how they came to realize that there are other ways

of looking at things. The book it called " WHEN BAD

THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE " and is by Harold

Kushner. We got it at and Noble in the self

help section.

It has helped us so much. I used to think I had plenty

of reasons to be mad at God and life and myself, My

husband has Crohn's disease and Arthritis. I have

Asthma, Diabetes, Arthritis, Severe Allergies, a

broken tailbone, (you name it, I've got it). And my

two daughter have autism and many other sensory issues

and are only 3 and 2. I aslo have another baby due in

6weeks, who I fear could also be inflicted with many

problems. We've had every financial and extended

family problem you can think of (and many you can't).

My family disowned me when I was 19 and they stole all

of my savings, that I had personally earned. I have

never been covered by insurance, thankgoodness my

husband and children are. But I am only 24 and my

husband 25 and we feel like were 65+.

Thankfully we have LOVE. We met eachother at 17 and

were good friends for quite a while before we finally

realized we were made for eachother and got married at

age 20.

We have both been through so much together, that the

only way we can do it, is by loving eachother, never

blaming one another, and both being very good

listeners of one anothers feelings, even when we

disagree. Through loving and supporting eachother and

always working things out together, like who needs to

do what for us to survive through all this, we have

become so close, and always together try to show our

girls (and soon little boy) how much we love them no

matter what and don't care if they have problems.

Of course we do care, and it's hard not to, but we

will never let them think for one moment that we love

them any less, or would love them anymore just because

they have problems. And we wouldn't. They are so

beautiful and have many wonderful, admirable

qualities, if we just take the time to notice those

instead of the tantrums, siezures, biting, not eating,

hurting themselves and everything else Autistic

parents must face.

I hope that this can help you and maybe the book can

help more. But if neither works, you may consider

talking to your doctor about anti-depressents for

yourself. Because I have been very suicidal at times,

and sometimes can't cope and sound as happy about life

as I do right now. So throughout the last 3 years I

have been taking them on and off as I need. It may

really really help. Plus my husband's condition causes

him to need anti-depressants frequently also. So a lot

of times we are both on them. But I can tell you that

sometimes you need to have help for you, before you

can be a good mom or wife or help any one else,

including yourself. And trust me there are a lot more

people on them than you think. So don't be embarrased.

Again hope this helps anyone reading it.

Sincerely, Esther

> -- In Autism_in_Girls ,

> DillardRN@a... wrote:

> > In a message dated 3/31/2005 8:52:31 AM Central

> Standard Time,

> > no_reply writes:

> > My two kids both have disabilities. ????

> >

> > how have you come to accept this??? i just

> can't!!! and i'm not

> sure i ever

> > will...i never imagined my life would turn out

> like this, 3

> children with

> > autism...i'm not sure how i can go on

> anymore...i'm so saddened

> and full of

> > grief...i'm angry at God and everyone!!!! and i

> hate feeling this

> way....

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

__________________________________________________

April 6, 2005

Hi ,

I understand being angry at God and yourself and

others. It's easy to get mad, especially when we don't

know how to fix the problem. It would be a lot easier

if we knew what caused Autism or how to cure it. If we

knew what caused it, for example we could say " oh, it

was my fault, i did such and such when I was pregnant "

or " well, it was in my genes, and not Gods or my

fault, just nature and passed down from who knows who,

through me to my child " And if we knew that shots or

mercury or whatever caused it, we could be mad at or

sue the doctors or whoever inflicted our children, but

not knowing makes us want to blame everyone and

everything, and we worry constantly about what we

could have done differently.

The thing is, we must stop focusing on why or what

caused it, and realize that our children do have it,

and try to focus all our attention on what we can do

to help them and let them know that we love them and

it's not their fault and we are not angry at them for

having it. We need them to know that we would love

them the same with or without this hardship.

Like I said if we knew the cure it would also be

easier, because we could focus on that and say " hey it

doesn't matter what caused it, cuz I can fix it, or

get help to fix it " but again since we can not at this

point, we just need to be there for our children and

our spouses and let them be there for us.

There is a wonderful book that has helped my husband

and I immensley with the same hatred and anger

feelings that you have mentioned and I am sure all of

us feel at one time or another. I am a christian

woman, but I find that their are many things that can

help us, from many various religions. You don't have

to agree with everything they say or believe to take

advice from them. This book is by a Jewish Rabbi, who

has been through way more than most of us will ever

have to face.

He and his wife had a son who stopped growing at 8

months, never got any taller or bigger, but lived till

he was 16. Their son had a rare rare rare combination

of deseases where he had all kinds of health problems

and though he never grew bigger, he aged rapidly. So

that befor his death at age 16 he looked just like a

90 yr old man, only as small as a baby. There was no

definition for he or his wife to explain to others

their son's condition. At least we can say, " My child

is Autistic " and though many people don't know what

that is, they can look it up or find out, but this boy

had no label and people just stared and said unkind

things. For a long time The Rabbi and his wife were so

angry at God, but this book tells of their struggles

and how they came to realize that there are other ways

of looking at things. The book it called " WHEN BAD

THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE " and is by Harold

Kushner. We got it at and Noble in the self

help section.

It has helped us so much. I used to think I had plenty

of reasons to be mad at God and life and myself, My

husband has Crohn's disease and Arthritis. I have

Asthma, Diabetes, Arthritis, Severe Allergies, a

broken tailbone, (you name it, I've got it). And my

two daughter have autism and many other sensory issues

and are only 3 and 2. I aslo have another baby due in

6weeks, who I fear could also be inflicted with many

problems. We've had every financial and extended

family problem you can think of (and many you can't).

My family disowned me when I was 19 and they stole all

of my savings, that I had personally earned. I have

never been covered by insurance, thankgoodness my

husband and children are. But I am only 24 and my

husband 25 and we feel like were 65+.

Thankfully we have LOVE. We met eachother at 17 and

were good friends for quite a while before we finally

realized we were made for eachother and got married at

age 20.

We have both been through so much together, that the

only way we can do it, is by loving eachother, never

blaming one another, and both being very good

listeners of one anothers feelings, even when we

disagree. Through loving and supporting eachother and

always working things out together, like who needs to

do what for us to survive through all this, we have

become so close, and always together try to show our

girls (and soon little boy) how much we love them no

matter what and don't care if they have problems.

Of course we do care, and it's hard not to, but we

will never let them think for one moment that we love

them any less, or would love them anymore just because

they have problems. And we wouldn't. They are so

beautiful and have many wonderful, admirable

qualities, if we just take the time to notice those

instead of the tantrums, siezures, biting, not eating,

hurting themselves and everything else Autistic

parents must face.

I hope that this can help you and maybe the book can

help more. But if neither works, you may consider

talking to your doctor about anti-depressents for

yourself. Because I have been very suicidal at times,

and sometimes can't cope and sound as happy about life

as I do right now. So throughout the last 3 years I

have been taking them on and off as I need. It may

really really help. Plus my husband's condition causes

him to need anti-depressants frequently also. So a lot

of times we are both on them. But I can tell you that

sometimes you need to have help for you, before you

can be a good mom or wife or help any one else,

including yourself. And trust me there are a lot more

people on them than you think. So don't be embarrased.

Again hope this helps anyone reading it.

Sincerely, Esther

> -- In Autism_in_Girls ,

> DillardRN@a... wrote:

> > In a message dated 3/31/2005 8:52:31 AM Central

> Standard Time,

> > no_reply writes:

> > My two kids both have disabilities. ????

> >

> > how have you come to accept this??? i just

> can't!!! and i'm not

> sure i ever

> > will...i never imagined my life would turn out

> like this, 3

> children with

> > autism...i'm not sure how i can go on

> anymore...i'm so saddened

> and full of

> > grief...i'm angry at God and everyone!!!! and i

> hate feeling this

> way....

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

__________________________________________________

April 6, 2005

A book that I greatly enjoyed is by Dr. Dobson, " When God Doesn't Make

Any Sense. "

Another thing that helped me was prayer. I'm not talking the fluffy

stuff, but getting down to the nitty gritty, " Jesus, I don't want you

to be my Savior if You aren't gonna heal my daughter " sort of stuff.

Yep, I said it. Thankfully, He was bigger than me and didn't leave me.

Another prayer is, " Lord, reveal to me what You are trying to teach

me. " I realized a lot of issues in my life were because I needed a

good breaking. I was very ignorant of people with autism and people

with disabilities. In fact, I'm back in school to finish my degree to

work in the sped field. I NEVER would have considered such a thing 4

years ago. I still have my issues, lol, but in many ways I'm much

kinder and gentler.

A final thing that helps me is to see the intense gift Allie is in my

life. Sometimes I have to cry because it's so hard for her to try to

communicate. But I als have a daughter who loves to make me laugh and

loves to draw sunshines all over the walls. While I'd like to have

clean walls, I love even more that my daughter wants to fill our home

with sunshine. She is our sunshine.

There's a time to grieve and a time to heal, a time to cry and a time

to laugh. Don't be ashamed if this is your grieving time and crying

time. Let it be and be unashamed. Your time to heal and laugh will be

all the more closer.

Debi

April 6, 2005