Grieving - long

[Guest guest]

Hello Friends,

I have been reading your posts on grieving. I am glad to know that I have cohorts who are aware of this issue, for the sake of the mothers we care for. I offer sympathy to Ann and Marsha and I thank them for sharing such a deep part of themselves with us. lee, I can only begin to imagine the pain your client is feeling at the sight ofher baby especially since there is such a resemblance to her baby she lost. It must be overwhelming. I know the pain of grief myself, but in a different way. I have lost 3 babies to miscarriage. June 97, April 98 at 14 weeks I delivered his tiny little body into my hand where I see him still, and August 98. The miscarriages occured between my fourth and fifth children. When I was pregnant with Rose, my last daughter, I was dealing with grieving throughout the 9 months. She was born in Sept 99. The grief brought with it other profound changes in thinking, energy, relationships, and faith for me which have forever changed who I am. I was overwhelmed by the emotional work. I wanted this baby so badly, but I was afraid to hope I would really ever see a living child. Even in labor, I could not give in to the process. I had 2 previous completely unmedicated births with my midwives. With Rose, I could not progress. I finally had to succumb to an epidural and I cried for 2 hours as labor progressed without even feeling it. I had a lot to resolve after she was here. I am certainI cried everday for her first year . Over the next years the tears gradually lessened, even in 2004 I finally took prozac for a few months, then Sam-e for a few months. I slept a lot, something I had been unable to do for so long and I am only in the last year feeling like myself again. Though I still have difficulty with my memory. (, am I ever going to get that back?) This fall when my sons left for college I had to revisit grief. It feels like once your body has known that kind of shock it sinks back into it quickly with less provocation. Fortunately, have done a lot of healing work and I have learned to allow the feelings and they leave more quickly now. Guided imagery was the thing that helped me most. I went to counseling for about a year, but I also went to a grief support group at the hospital. The woman who did the counseling was an RN and I don't know if she had any credentials in mental health. She did have a miscarriage herself. She guided me through imagining my babies and all the things I would have done with and for them if I had the chance - bathing, rocking, nursing, lullabys, etc. In the end I put them in the loving arms of Jesus. I had to go full circle with God before that because at first I blamed Him and I rejected God altogether, but I came back to God and I was able to give Him my babies and move on. As I look back on it 7 or 8 years now, I have settled with it as a blessing of the future. When I get to heaven God has given me babies to hold. I still pray everyday that none of my living children die before me. I don't think I could survive it. As for breastfeeding, I really think that if I hadn't been breastfeeding I would not have been able to heal and bond with Rose. She never did latch right and me, the lactation consultant, never did fix her latch. I just couldn't focus on that at the time. She nursed for 6 years and it was never comfortable. She'll be 7 next week and we have a wonderful bond.

As for helping mothers. I have found that women who have experienced loss in and around their pregnancies and births have unique needs. I have discovered that they can be very needy and exasperating if you don't realize what the problem is. I have developed an intuition with mothers who are grieving for different reasons and it comes out as breastfeeding problems. One mother I never met in person, but spent may hours with her on the phone . I worked on a breastfeeding Helpline and she called there . She had lost her mother to cancer just prior to becoming pregnant with her first child. She also had lost her real father very young in life and was raised by a loving stepdad. She called the Helpline constantly about anything she saw on her breast or nipple. The first 4 or 5 calls I explained over and over again about thrush and mastitis and plugged ducts. She would keep questioning me, yet never follow up on any suggestions. I was totally exasperated with her one day and I had to talk myself into being nice to her. I really listened to how irrational she was and I started asking about signs of depression. She was terrified of having cancer and of leaving her baby. She kept going to doctors about breast issues, but it took a long time to convince her to seek mental health treatment. I just heard from her recently as she had her 4th child, I have heard from her with each child. She was starting the same pattern and as we talked she recognized it and said oh, I better go see my counselor.

I went just 2 weeks ago to a 's Vineyard workshop. http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/ This is a Christian organization dedicated to helping women heal from abortions. The topic of breastfeeding was not mentioned and I plan to email them about the relationship. I will refer them to your webiste, . I know that what I learned there will help me identify women hurting from this experience. I am positive breastfeeding can be impacted by abortion and healing could be facilitated by breastfeeding . It is little harder to identify because women may not give this information in their health history. There is so much guilt and pain attached to this issue. There is widespread denial about the effects of abortion on a woman's psyche in this country as a whole, but Ithink we need to be aware of this too.

I am grateful for you wise women who are out there in the world helping one mother at a time. I am grateful for an opportunity to share my grief where I know it will be understood.

Judy Gutowski