Re: bordering on cruelty?

May 24, 2004

In fourth grade my daughter went thru a couple of months of separation anxiety.

We insisted that she had to go to school. I know that others on this list have

made a different choice in the same circumstances and may have opinions

different from mine. For Billie, it was the leaving the house to go to school

that was hard. She wailed and cried and told us, " If I go to school something

bad will happen to me...you...my pet lizard, etc. " Once she was in the car

headed for school she calmed down so we did insist that she go. Not only did we

feel cruel, she told me " You are the meanest and most cruel mother in the whole

world! " She's now finishing 7th grade. She had an episode a few weeks ago

where she went to school just fine and 10 mins. later called my cell phone to

say that I needed to pick her up because she had vomitted. She went home and

was OK the rest of the day. Sent her to school the next morning and exactly the

same thing happened. When I went to pick her up we sat in the car for 20 mins.

talking about why I thought it was anxiety and not the flu. She respoded that

she didn't think it was anxiety but, if it was, she needed to go to school

because " we don't let OCD or anxiety be the boss because it makes them

stronger. " We agreed that she would go home for 2 hours and, if she didn't

vomit again, we would know that it was anxiety and I would take her back to

school. Sure enough, 2 hrs. later we were headed back to school, with no more

vomitting since. If Billie had had over whelming anxiety the whole day long at

school, we might have made a different choice.

Kathy

PS My non-OCD daughter has also told me that I'm " the meanest mother in the

world " and my neighbors daughter has told her the same thing. For what it's

worth, we may all be " the meanest mother " at some time for various reasons.

bordering on cruelty?

It's been awhile since I've posted as my son has been doing so well with his

med. He went without medicine for two nights-one night, because he wanted to

(bad idea to agree to it) and the next night, because he stayed all night with a

relative and forgot to take it. Yesterday he had an invitation to go see a

movie with a friend, and he cried and begged for me not to make him go. He

likes this friend, and it was Shrek 2, a movie he had been dying to see. He has

missed many opportunities to have fun because of his anxiety about going

someplace. It seems that when his OCD is acting up, the home sickness and

anxiety about being away from home is worse also. My husband and I basically

DID make him go. It felt cruel, but right at the same time. As soon as I

dropped him off at the movie, and he saw his friend and his father waiting for

him, he said, " I'm feeling better already. " He did have a good time, but then

he because nauseated and got sick last night (something that tends to go along

with his symptoms also). Is it cruel to make your child go somewhere when

he/she doesn't want to because of the anxiety? I knew it would be reinforcing

the avoidance thing if he didn't go, but when they're crying and begging, it

seems so cruel. Just wondering if anyone struggles with this.

in Southern Illinois

May 24, 2004

Hi , I caught on after awhile that my daughter's anxiety was sky-high

*in anticipation* of going (to school, to a friend's home, etc.) but as soon

as she arrived she was fine. Until I caught onto this, I suffered terribly

all the while she was gone, imagining her miserable, obsessing, compulsing

and anxious. Frequently when she arrived home she wouldn't have any memory

of her distress before she left, and would look at me strangely when I

seemed worried and anxious to hear how the details of how the day or the

event went.

If this is true for your son as well, you might start doing what I did which

is to remind him that as soon as he gets there, he'll be fine. To begin

with, maybe more often you'll be the parent who escorts the kids, or the one

who drives him and hangs around a bit until things get underway, then start

fading this support as his anxiety around going somewhere lessens with

repetition.

Another thing that helped my daughter was to have some activity to do on the

way to distract herself from her anxiety. This could be a book to read,

coloring activity, Gameboy if you allow it, anything portable and at hand if

needed. I would suggest varying these things so you don't inadvertently

prompt a compulsion, i.e. *have to* find the Gameboy before your son can go

anywhere.

Every now and then it seems we are in a situation to risk that an exposure,

though high on the hierarchy, is not actually too high and will turn out

well. It does seem a bit cruel to force an anxious, crying child to go to

the movies, but OTOH OCD itself is quite cruel in the way it limits and

hampers our kids. I guess I never actually forced Kellen out the door, but

I encouraged and manipulated and bribed for all I was worth sometimes :-)

Take care,

Kathy R. in Indiana

----- Original Message -----

> It's been awhile since I've posted as my son has been doing so well with

his med. He went without medicine for two nights-one night, because he

wanted to (bad idea to agree to it) and the next night, because he stayed

all night with a relative and forgot to take it. Yesterday he had an

invitation to go see a movie with a friend, and he cried and begged for me

not to make him go. He likes this friend, and it was Shrek 2, a movie he

had been dying to see. He has missed many opportunities to have fun because

of his anxiety about going someplace. It seems that when his OCD is acting

up, the home sickness and anxiety about being away from home is worse also.

My husband and I basically DID make him go. It felt cruel, but right at the

same time. As soon as I dropped him off at the movie, and he saw his friend

and his father waiting for him, he said, " I'm feeling better already. " He

did have a good time, but then he because nauseated and got sick last night

(something that tends to go along with his symptoms also). Is it cruel to

make your child go somewhere when he/she doesn't want to because of the

anxiety? I knew it would be reinforcing the avoidance thing if he didn't

go, but when they're crying and begging, it seems so cruel. Just wondering

if anyone struggles with this.

>

> in Southern Illinois

May 25, 2004

Thanks, Kathy. I will try the diversion activities on the way, because yes, I

do think it's the anticipation of the thing or the trip there. He is better

once he gets there, thank goodness.

Thanks again,

in Southern IL