Lull in Group Activity

[Guest guest]

There are occasional lulls in this group when there are not many

posts. Virtually everyone here is, in some way, dealing with liver

disease and sometimes the problems are difficult enough that there

is not time to read, let alone post, to the group. In addition,

most of us have families which require time of us as well. Finally,

it's the end of school, vacation time for many, etc.

But the group does rally to support each other all the time. My

Kjersten died just a little over a year ago (June 3rd of 2005)and

throughout her struggles I received enormous support and some very

practical suggestions for her care...as well as for my own care.

When she was well enough, the two of us would walk through the woods

around our house and revel in the beauty of untamed nature. When

she was unable to walk, we would sit on our back (screened-in) porch

and listen to the birds, watch the local rabbit nibble his way

across the yard (our two cats watched as well!) or watched Arnie the

Armadillo as he waddled around.

Sometimes, when she was very ill and asleep, I would go out back

with our cats...Geoff would always take " guard duty " and watch over

his lands (we should never have let him watch " Lion King " with

us...he became much more regal after that). B.C., our black cat,

would sit in my lap and purr. I always tried to find the beauty and

peace in each moment. It is difficult when you are under great

stress, but, in truth, that is when it is most important.

Kjersten went to the hospital on Memorial Day weekend last year and,

within a few days, she fell into a coma and never recovered.

I had a dream last week in which I was driving down Roseland Road on

our way to Publix (a typical drive into " town " to buy groceries

and " stuff " ). Kjersten was sitting beside me looking great...she

said, " You know, after I went through that coma, everything got

better. I don't hurt anymore and I know that everything is working

out as it should. " And then she turned directly to me, put her hand

on my leg, and said, " I just hope you understand. It's really OK. "

I woke up and cried. I still look for her beside me when I am in

bed. I still think I hear her bopping around the house at 4 am....

I am beginning to think that she really is there is some way.

This evening, I found a card she had written to me a good many years

ago. She was still in an abusive relationship with her husband. He

never hit her, but constantly told her she was " stupid, " that her

ideas were " crazy, " and that she was totally irresponsible. None of

that was true.

She was a good Iowa Lutheran kid who believed that your husband is

always right. After a while she began to change her mind. Part of

the mind change began when she checked with her broker and found

that her husband had essentially gambled away about $250,000 of her

money. He would go to Vegas and hit the tables and she would go

upstairs to their room and throw up.

I found a card earlier tonight that she had sent to me many years

ago when she was beginning to separate herself from her husband. I

had expressed concern because she had been crying a lot when we were

together. Like most men, I worried that I had done or said something

wrong.

She left a card for me...the sentiment itself is magnificant...but

her hand written note stays with me forever:

" I just wanted to explain to you why I've been crying lately.

They are not tears of sadness, as they have been in the past. They

are tears of joy, of disbelief and thankfulness that what I've been

going through these past few years will soon be over and that what

I'll...we'll be enjoying our future together.

When you say that your love me and you never thought you could ever

love someone as much as you love me...I don't know what to say.

No one has ever treated me as 'special' as you have treated me...or

desired me...or wanted to please me. But then I think, maybe I

never gave anyone else a chance.

I look in your eyes and know how much you love me. You make me feel

so special. I never want that love to go away. I never want it to

be taken from me.

Forgive me for my tears.

I love you so...

Kjersten "

She was not the love of my life...she is the love of my life. She

is still with me every moment of every day.

Death does not end a realtionship. It does change it, but it

definitely does not end it.

Kjersten is still with me...every moment of every day.

I hope this helps some of you...I have written so much about

Kjersten from my viewpoint...this is a chance to write it from her

viewpoint. I love you all so very much...you have made my life and,

more importantly, Kjersten's life so very, very fulfilling.

Dennis