Guest guest Posted November 3, 2004 Report Share Posted November 3, 2004 As I was surfing the net for some information I ran across this: Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions. Because we all need a littler laughter in our lives, here's the full list. (Honestly I don't get some of these, but whatever, the ones I do get make me smile) Definitive Collection of Lightbulb Jokes So Far Known --------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ------------------ Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done. Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it. Q: How many Majors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago. Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. The invisible hand does it. A: None. " There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the lightbulb lighting up again. " Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen. A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. " Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle) " Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities. A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking. A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment. Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business. A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark. Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they all just quit and go home! Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House? A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House. Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment. A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb. Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Less and less all the time. Q: How many believable, competent, " just right for the job " presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it? Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb? A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can't even spell " lightbulbe " , eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy. Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice. A: (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo. A: ( Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here. A: ( Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. ly, I resent it, and the American people resent it. A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not. A: ( Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Simon's all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it. A: ( ) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American Indians of today don't have enough solver, or gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes, from the lighthouse to the White House. Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier. A: None, they only screw the poor Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb ? A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it. A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need changing. A: (on) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb! A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark]. A: (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier! A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question. I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light bulb jokes. Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb. Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses. Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and i t proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists. Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? A: None, they like to keep him in the dark. Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb? A: What light bulb? Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory. A: Just one - . Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on and her apparent de facto ascent to power in 1987 Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial ( " The bulb is really just dim " ), one to blame the bulb burning out on the administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burnin g out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money fro m the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his ol d colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation. Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold. Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's a military secret. Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production! Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons of inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't defective. Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic joke. Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A: Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement. A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file th e requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb.... A: Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet. A: Two - one to screw it in and one to screw it up. A: None, we contract out for things like that. Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder. Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder. Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change request form. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb? A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb? A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb! Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that believes in violent revolution. Attributed to '83, a student activist at Harvard. (And in a similar vein...) Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb ? (Cue typical sarcastic angry ei Sayle voice) A: It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!! Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: All of them. (Notes : An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do for theirself. ) Perhaps it would help to say, " All of them. Or, none of them. Or several. " (BTW, I prefer " theirself " to any other construction.) Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out. Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel. Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there. Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war. Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy th e light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the ry as the bulb is bein g screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it. Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once. Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, but don't expect results. (They're supposed to be useless...(but we're Europeans, so none of that!)) Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they like Danzig in the dark. Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness. Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it. Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb. Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other skater on the knee. Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32....... Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW? A: JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH? Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room. Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better. Q: How many Directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: What do you think? (Theatre humour) Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles. Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so... Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but they're really three. Q: How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five, and you should've seen the lightbulb! It must have been *this* big. Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is. Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate. Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going " To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right... " Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though. Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb. Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb? A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alon e and change the room. It's all relative. Q: How many " Changing lightbulbs " -joke writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't -figured that out yet. Q: How many of me does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and one to spend the next 6 months going round telling it to everyone. Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up. Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill. Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll tell everybody. Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof. Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two thirds. (Notes : Many mutations/birth defects result in people missing limbs, etc. Thus, a mutant is often only " 2/3 of a person " ) Or, perhaps it's " Got three hands, only needs two for the job ? " Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye. Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from. A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him. Note: Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings. Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but he uses a chainsaw. Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One - but he has to wait until the light is better. Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb. Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw i t in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart. A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's bee n thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice. Q: How many Indiana University " notes " users does it take to change a light bulb? A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate. A: Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington? Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb. Q: How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Change it to what? Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough. Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and... Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination. (left a bit, right a bit, left a bit...) A: None, bankers don't change light bulbs. (Note: Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are full of burned-out light bulbs?) Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs. A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the older, heavier ones. Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb? A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need .. Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, an d the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket. Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: As many as will fit in the El Camino. (Notes: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that was popular wit h Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped as putting a lot of people into their cars when they go low-riding.) Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport. Q: How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solv e the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck. Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*. Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here! A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in .. Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Nine thousand-after all, it's *their* light bulb. Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping..... Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore. Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage. Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century. Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction. A: Siz. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes. Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb? A: 45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania's bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights. (and in a similar vein...) Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in. Q: How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was burnt out in the first place. (Notes: Is/was this topical to one particular event, or does it just reflect American frustration with the Arab way of doing things and the peace process in general ?) Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first. Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job. Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch. (Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.) Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it. Q: How many EEPers does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of the effects on his/her social development relative to same-age peers who sat around in the dark. Note: EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of Washington Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight. A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either .. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only " This page intentionally left blank " , and 20% of the definitions are of the form " A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks " . A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it. Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finall y a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known. Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket. A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature. Q: How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard. Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it. Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb? A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it. Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded. A: Two-fifty A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world sen d him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records. A: One, who'll do it for food. A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out, wake up three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his back, and realize where the light bulb went. A: Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same way in the southern hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis Effect (which is actually pretty negligible). Q: How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for the old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one to blame the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker to say that Lyndon LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would never need to be replaced, Ted to tell everyone they're full of it, and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR. Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light bulb joke? A: 622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it, believing this to constitute a great new joke that noone else had ever thought of. Q: How many net.poets does it take to change a light bulb? swimming A: None, fish are through the of my conciousness, and edges I dark. like the Q: How many USENET users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d. (Note: a nice try, but there's no such group. alt.fan.lightbulbs is quite active, though - BRIAN.) Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs. Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to com e in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn't actually add up to 100. A: Thirteen. One to change it, one to post in saying " I got it " , one to post in saying " Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays " , one to post in sayin g he missed the original lightbulb joke and could someone please post it again or email it to him, one to post in quoting everything so far and the words " Me too " , two to turn it into a cascade, one to post in with " I don' t get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes ? " , one to post in after two months " What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking about ? " , one to repost it a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post " I didn't ge t it. What's the punchline ? " , one to post " Has anyone got a list of these ? I'm starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes " , and one to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by " Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ? " and accompanied by all of our old favourites like " How many programmers...? None that's a hardware problem. " Q: How many VEGGIE subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 11. One to change it and post a little joke about it to the list, eight to do most of the above, one to post " So what has all this got to do with veg*nism ? " and suggest the discussion be moved to email or rec.humor.d, and one to post " > rec.humor.d What's that ? " Q: How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat glistened on her perfectly rounded breast... Her brother had gone to the hardware store to get a new lightbulb. Suddenly the door opened and there he stood, silhouetted against the sharp light from the doorway. She could see the bulge in his pants.. " They didn't have any lightbulbs but wait'll you get a load of my hardware " , he said as he started unzipping his pants... Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke? A: 300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death. Q: How many Europeans does it take to submit a light bulb joke? A: Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns? (Notes : This joke was created after the creator saw the movie 2010.) Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke? A: 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit " How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem. " Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke? A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 . Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke. A: One. Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ? Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ---- You should have hit " n! " Note: refers to the way of skipping an article in an electronic news reading program. Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place. Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus. Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb. Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead. Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in lightbulbs. Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sod you! That's the electrician's job. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. A: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window. (An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told at a party or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a completely irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus of " No, it' s a fish ! " ) Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him. Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb. Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). Q: How many rock stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: None. Rock stars only screw in jacuzzis. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many s does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. " And that's magic ! " Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco? A: Both of them. Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. (Very flexible-use against any group you want to imply is nearly nonexistent) .. Q: How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ? Q: Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter. Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. " It's not a bug, it's a feature. " A: Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer really as " None. It's a hardware problem. " ) A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late. Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs. Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb ? A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark. A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature. A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc) A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem. A: None: " We'll fix it in software. " Q: How long will it take? A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them. Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs? A: They replace your fuse box. Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, they just keep everyone out of the room. Q: How many computer security experts does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: " That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a C2 bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [se e also the " Orange Book " ] Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. We don't fix the problems, we just find them. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path. Q: How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him " 2> " he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once. Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Read the man page! Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT & T on payment of license fee (binary only). A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it. Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC. Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: " We'll document it in the manual. " Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... [Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. (cf computer dictionary entry: RECURSION - see recursion) These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline. IT COULD BE IMPROVED: A: (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))... ] Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There's a primitive for that. (Notes : I don't do APL but I think a primitive is a procedure that is include d as a part of the language. You don't have to write code ( " hack " ) to do it.) Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: " The user can work it out. " A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user. Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: " Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?... " Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on. Q: How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first. Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard. A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one. A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing th e bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the " look and feel " of the bulb changing method. A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon. Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to get in. A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb. Q: How many insects does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take? (Notes : Refers to the previous answer.) Q: How many medflies does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: None: they do it in the fruit. (Notes : Medflies are very small flies (drosophila, I think) who eat, mate and lay their eggs in ripe fruit.) Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: None. They screw in hotel rooms. Q: How many of Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs. Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three: One to turn it up the day before when you're out, one to change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb. Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured. A: None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per family to save electricity. Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions. Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a dark alley and brag about it in the pub afterwards. A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer. A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs. A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the bulb and screw it in. Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a _long_ story about it... Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one. Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how. Q: How many Blue presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration. A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic. Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2 " Mystery Chefs " to interrupt and tell us he's doing it all wrong. Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes. Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list. Tourist: Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a lightbulb ? Welsh Choir: No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in moving harmony... Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better. Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. If they sing loud enough they'll break it. Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None - " Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it. " Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was. Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance they want to do. Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times. Q: How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb. Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going " Huh ! I could've done that ! " Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight. A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand. Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light. A: None: " I've got a candle that looks just like it. " A: Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want. A: " Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but i f you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... " A: Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better. A: Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg. A: Two: One to change the bulb and one to say " Yeah, that sounds just like it .. " (With apologies for some slight overlapping of the answers here.) Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. A: One, but only after asking " Why? " A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified. A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way Bill Monroe would have done it. Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb there and the other to play harp. Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck... getting stuck... Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind. Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored. Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat. Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. A: Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first. (Notes: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the first punk band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead Kennedys etc.) Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on the way, they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do at least *sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remember s what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, th e lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so th e dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed lightbulb in its mouth. Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway. Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take collections in the bulb's name. Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed .. (Notes: sorority is the female version of brotherhood. And the joke is tha t during sorority rush, the sisters all greet their new would-be pledges by standing out on the house steps and singing. You have to have been an American undergraduate to really appreciate that one.) Q: How many frat (fat will do) guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. (Commentary from an American on the last two : - " Frat " is short for " fraternity. " In college, many undergraduate males join a fraternity; girls join sororities. There are many reasons for this, the most common being the " better " social life associated with the Greek system in general. (The Greek system encompasses both fraternities and sororities.) " Frat guys " are stereotypically viewed as being stupid, sexist, party animals. " Sorority chicks " are seen as materialistic and promiscuous dim-wits. There are a lot of other sterotypes for both. I hope that this clears up any confusion.) Q: How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they have council fires instead. (Commentary from an American : " Native Americans " here doesn't refer to just any native American, it refers to American Indians. No, not people from India who live in America, but the modern descendants of the aboriginal peoples of the American continents. With me so far? A " council fire " is a social event fo r these people, or for Boy Scouts, that is modeled after a practice that may or may not have been common among certain tribes of the American Northeast. As to why someone thinks this is a joke, I just don't know.) Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. A: How long have you been having this phantasy ? A: How many do *you* think it takes? Q: How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the wrong way. Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: It depends on what you want them to change it into. Q: How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to revolve around him. Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two ! A: None. " I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job. " A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band. Q: How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who was only there to look at the light. Q: How many Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny. (Explanation : Zappa (being a jazz musician (among other styles)) commented on contemporary jazz: " Jazz is not dead--it just smells funny. " ) Q: How many health food freaks does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the ingredients on the new one. (But did they change it for health or philosophical reasons ?) Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions. Q: How many monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum. (with eternal thanks to Cutmore for this timeless classic.) Q: How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a lightbulb ? (cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...) A: None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes out enjoying yourselves..... A: Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it behind her back. Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady. Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place. Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the packaging. Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home. Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed. Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother? Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets. Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report. Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. That's a second year subject. Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. A: It all depends on the size of the grant. A: Two and a professor to take credit. A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day. A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question. Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, pre-meds don't screw, they study. A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. (Notes: The joke is that getting into med school is extremely competitive. ) Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar. Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They are far too busy hacking. Q: How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is. Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework. A: One if at home, but on school time, four. A: On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces. Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill the government for the house. Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. That's what research students are for. A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work. Q: How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks for a new one. Q: How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong. A: It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with other men. A: Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him. Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek " Fabulous! " A: None, they get screwed in the ass instead. A: Hey, don't let's talk about the lightbulb, honey, let's talk about the shade ! Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Sixty-nine. A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. A: Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it. Q: How many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. " Who needs lights ? " Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb? A: As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb. Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a lightbulb? A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh Q: How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whatever number turns you on, big boy. Q: How many women does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: (It's a very simple task, so...) None. " It's a man's job. " Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and agonize about how oppressed the socket is. A: How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby Congress to outlaw crimes against sockets -- and to say the bulb-changer is not a representative of mainstream feminism. A: Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock. A: 11. 1 to change the lightbulb and 10 to form a support group! A: Seven. One to change the lightbulb, three to protest the offense committed by the lightbulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly wish they were the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the lightbulb. A: Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing it before it's a third of the way in. A: None. It's not the lightbulb that needs changing. A: Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to find a female electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works. A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels. A: Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do violent things to any man who tries to interfere. A: Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications. A: That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!! Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb? A': It's " Radcliffe Women " and it's not funny! (Notes: Radcliffe is the all-women's college near Harvard that used to be wher e women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since then it has earned a reputation fo r militant feminism as it has remained all-female. The joke is on feminists' supposed failure to laugh along at deprecatory remarks.) Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first. A: One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how many there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax jobs. A: None. Men don't screw-in lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on just by rubbing up against them. Q: How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark. A: None. They have the girls do it. Q: How many new men does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby. Q: How many VMM members does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand around discussing what they all want to do next. (Notes : VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where nobody ever puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do anything.) Q: How many new-agers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around going " Hmmm well I don't really mind who does it. I mean, I COULD do it, but of course I woudn't want to impose my will upon anyone else... " A: Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad psychic auras.(an d optionally another dozen to perform the dance of the renewal of the light. ) A: Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology. A: Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll work in the future .. Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: 2. One to do it and one to say " Huh ! My four-year old could've done that! " Q: How many fine artists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks. Q: How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 notices that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it. (Notes: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported British sheep.) Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and watch the old bulb burn. Q: How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone that admits to being a racist even if you knew how many you were looking for. Instead, they tend to say things like " Well I'm not a racist, BUT ..... " Q: How many Beverly hills realtors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic. (Notes : Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate, the joke referes to the many arabs who are moving to high-class neigbourhoods in the United States.) Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, they have a service come in and do that. Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say " Oh Wow! " A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact. A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience .. (I also heard this joke told about new-agers.) (This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a class of students during a lecture, in order to make a point about the fact that only one student was doing any work at the terminal while a whole bunch had crowded round to watch - sharing the experience of him doing the work. ) Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience. A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she is familiar with. A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the problem to the previous question. In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Bibliography: [1] Weiner, P., <11485@ucbvax>, " Re: YALBJ " , 1986 Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the electrician. (Firstly, yuppies nowadays drink expensive imported lagers...) (Secondly, this is meant to be told about Sloane Rangers, but most people didn't seem to have a clue what that meant so I changed it.) Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None 'o yo' damn business! A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. A: Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers. A: 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it. A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity. Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that th e other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies. Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour. Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. " Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality. " Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it. Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast. Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block. Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already. Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. A: None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself. Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function. (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.) Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb. Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb? A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is. Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. (Notes: Valley Girls is a term used to describe a category of young female s from certain parts of California who are noted among other things for usin g vast quantities of previously non-existent slang.) Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: That depends on whether it has health insurance. A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later. A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary. A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines. Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant. Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket ? You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later. Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but it takes nine visits. Q: How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room. (From the Daily Mail.) Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb ? ( " funny " version) A: Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in th e replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem. (Allegedly true version - believe it if you will.) A: Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one. Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department. Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case. Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts needed. He goes to scene of faulty lightbulb. He fits bulb or discovers he cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. He completes work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to see task completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket filed. Membe r of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. Details go into department's workload report. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: How many body builders does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say " Man, you've got huge muscles ! " (Apparently body builders admire each other's muscles.) Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb??? A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer it with the lights off. Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put th e new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure .. Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? A: There is nothing to change. Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway. Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ? A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the lightbulb exists. Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have changed it to " light bulb " . Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They're never in the dark. A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway. A: None. Atheists never " see the light " anyway do they ? Q: How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist? A: It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway. (Notes : Many icons and other religious artworks describe christian saints and biblical figures glowing with light.) Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way .. A: A tree in a golden forest. A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. A: None. Zen masters carry their own light. (Notes : This would probably be funny to someone who knows about Zen Buddhism. Perhaps main the joke is that a Zen master doesn't do anything, he just IS. Ze n masters always have those ancient wise sayings for every situation (2nd answer). 3rd and 4th answers refer to the Zen philosophy of life, on which I'm no expert. 5th answer I guess refers to the deep wisdom they claim to have.) Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those. Q: How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One - " If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will " Q: How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja. (Notes: PUJA is a religious ceremony.) Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it. Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for Salman Rushdie in the dark. Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light. Q: How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words " Hari Krishna. " Q: How many Branch ians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they provide their own illumination. A: Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on. Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent. A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. Q: How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs. Q: How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments. Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God will be replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows quite when. Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too. A: One, and thirty natives to see the light. Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off the carpet and the chair he was standing on. Q: How many police does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh ?) (This is evidently a " hunt sabs " joke.) (Commentary from an American: I don't get " hunt sabs " . In any case, I still find it funny. The joke is that whenever something in the US happen s that requires the continued presence of the police, one always gets dispatched to direct traffic and keep it moving because everyone always slows down and rubbernecks when they see a lot of police cars.) So we could also count another five to stand around going " Show's over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along. " Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him. Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting " Objection ! " A: None, lawyers only screw us. A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb... A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers. (another huge answer is at the bottom of this file.) Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it at all if it worked all right for him last time. Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: Four. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, and one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate, who then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room. Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! A: Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. (or the Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support for it) (Notes : The Heisman is a trophy awarded to the suposed best overall college football player each season by the NY Athletic Club. Barry Switzer was formerl y the University of Oklahoma football coach, one of the winningest ever. The jok e relates to the fact that the school's publicity department has as much, if not more, to do with getting the Heisman than the player's actual ability.) (Commentary from another American ! Not exactly...OU has had a few Heisman trophy winners, but only one of them when Switzer was head coach (thus the joke's really not that funny). Now if you changed it to Woody , former head coach at coach at Ohio State, or Bo Schembechler, former Michigan head coach, it might be more humorous.) Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble. Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing. Q: How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up. (also Buffalo Bills) (Commentary from an American: Oh, please <groan> :-). I live in Buffalo, so it's a slightly sore subject. This relates to recent Super Bowls. The Broncos have been to four Super Bowls, and lost three by huge margins- " blowouts " . Likewise the Bills, the pride and joy of our city, have lost the last three straight, the last two by overwhelming margins.) 31/01/94 And another one too, by 30-13 !!! . Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo. Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb? A: Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in. Q: How many Canadian sex murderers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: [punchline forbidden on Canadian newsservers by publication ban; e-mail list maintainer] Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers. Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when the screwing began. A: Nine-four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the new bulb to let the room stay dark. Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was lit up. Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb? A: None; assholes never see the light anyway. Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? " A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A: Only one. " Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb? " Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. (Note: This joke is about an American ad for light beer=reduced calories.) Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What?! And ruin my nails??? A: Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building superintendant. A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. (Notes: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a Tab = a can of Tab the drink.) Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? A: None-just assume it's changed. Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bul b. Notes: Ugh! Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up. Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him . Q: " How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? " A: " 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. " (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.) The next three jokes were taken from the " Official Klingon Joke Book " . Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark. (Oops I'm slipping, this is the same answer as for real men..) Q: What do they do with the dead bulb? A: Execute it for failure. Q: What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb? A: Execute him for cowardice. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: " Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000 " Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they just assimilate the bulb. (Notes : Yup, you find them in Star Trek too. They are those part machine part humanoid looking creatures that go around conquering worlds and assimilating all those poor people into their collective and turning them into Borgs.) Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building. A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them. Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say " I wish I was up there ! " Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say " Sock it to Me. " (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from " Laugh In. " ) Q: How many people in Twin Peaks does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to wrap the dead one in plastic. (Notes: Twin Peaks has a murderer who wraps the victims in plastic.) Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store. Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but it takes twelve steps. A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs. A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him. Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? A: It depends whether the switch is on or off. Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness... Q: How many ns does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: <Ahem> We do not discuss this with ladies and children present. Q: How many BATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then surround the house when it rebuffs them. A: It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house. (Notes : BATF is The US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, repsonsible for setting up that Waco (We Aint Coming Out !) Branch ians siege in spring 1993, which ended in a fashion the second punchline suggests.) Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you. Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first. Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation. Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part. Q: How many Hegelians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says that true light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis when the bulb gets screwed in. (Explanation : Hegel and Marx use a logical procedure called dialectics to see k answers to seemingly mutual exclusive positions. Shortened it is " thesis, antithesis, synthesis " . Thus 'no light' and 'no dark' can arrive at a middle ground through logical examination 'it's dark but it can be made light'.) Q: How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves and if they need light they go out and look at the sun. Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Why does it *have* to be changed? Q: How many American standup comedians does it take to change a light bulb? A: You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying cross country and the stewardess started telling me about her cat. Man, I hate people who don't use their turn signals. Hey, how about an impression. Here's Jack Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS.... Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively modern invention. Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it. Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is incapable of delivering uninterrupted light. Q: How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing. A: One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden Galleria. Q: How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles. A: Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it. Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in. Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to do it and one to cross the road. Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes? Q: How many Pizza Hut employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three-one to do it, one to hold the ladder, and one to tell the story about " last night. " (Notes : This is guaranteed true by someone who used to work there. The stories refer to wild copious drinking and also a few bedroom exploits.) Q: How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them. Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience. Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with light bulbs ! A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't see. Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an " I'm the NRA " ad while doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period. A: Two, one to do it and the other one to get his dick out of the gun. Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark. A: One, and a lot of light bulbs. A: Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer. A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair. Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre? A: One, if you aim well. Q: What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? A: Neither one is very bright. A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers. ``Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.'' Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to bite the bulb out of the socket and one to hammer the new one in. (A stereotype of Newfoundlanders as stupid - usually told by Canadians.) Q: How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV shows, and one to play classic rock. Q: How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage. Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they *like* it in the dark. Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Q: How many one-armed people does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt. Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least three. (Notes: think height!) Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary Watt in 1983 Q: How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They won't, because: " I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it! " " If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a brighter one, so where will it all end? " " We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world three times over. " " We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone is hungry anywhere. " " We don't know what effect all this artificial light will have on the future of mankind. " " Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't learned to husband it yet. " " Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct. " " The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity. " " It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status, national origin, or need. " Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls Q: How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get real bright ! Q: How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability of a woman. Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. (Notes on the previous 3: Chassidim (pronounced " hass-ee-deem " -it's Hebrew) ar e an orthodox Jewish sect. The jokes above refer to various further subsects and their peculiarities. The Lubavitchers, the most prevalent, are known for their belief that the Mossiach (Messiah) will be coming along soon. The Bratzlaver joke refers to the fact that they all revered their founder, the Rabbi Nachman , and since he died they haven't really replaced him, as nobody in the group feels capable of filling his shoes. The Satmar are very strict in their adherence to the sex-role distinctions prescribed by the Bible-in one area, they've been fighting with local authorities about school busing, because they believe that women should not be allowed to drive, and the school system employs a lot of women as bus drivers.) Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, astronomers prefer the dark. Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb. A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff. Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The lightbulb costs 3 million dollars. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. (Notes: Carl Sagan is an astronomer/physicist/TV presenter etc but I still don't understand the joke, unless " billions and billions " is his catchphrase ? ) Q: How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb. Q: How many editors of Poor 's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. (Notes: " Poor 's Almanac " is a classic of colonial Americana, written (pseudonymously) by Ben lin in the 1740s. It advocates a simple, thrifty lifestyle in the form of aphorisms, including that one, so it makes a nice pla y on words.) Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. (Notes: It might be something to do with the film - 2001 Space Odyssey. It's more the book, actually. That and " The Lost Worlds of 2001 " should help illuminate this one. The big black monoliths, according to the books, are meant to help man evolve, something sort of hinted at in the film but more explicitly stated in the books.) Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes eight million years. Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number. (Could somebody please explain this one to me ! I think it's something to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to prove things.) Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: To get to the other side. (Notes: The " dadaist " answer, like dadaism itself, goes further than the surrealist one. Whereas the surrealist one at least bears the semblance of a relationship to the question, the dadaist one is the punchline to another joke entirely.) Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Why bother? (I guess the point is that spies like to do everything in the dark anyway ?) Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones. Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress. (Notes: EST (Erhard Seminars Training) was some sort of self-esteem-building programme that was popular in the late 1970s. The sessions were as described in the punchline.) Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies. (Notes: The Amish are a people, also known as the " Pennsylvania Dutch " , who mostly (though not exclusively) live in southeastern Pennsylvania and are note d for their religion. They adhere to a strict code of living that forbids using such modern conveniences as electricity and automobiles, and indeed often look and act as if they were time travelers from the early nineteenth century (they drive around in horse and buggy carts). They are descended from German Protestant immigrants of that time (hence the " Dutch " as the immigration peopl e misunderstood " Deutsch " , the answer they gave for nationality). Their quaint lifestyle draws many people to SE PA every year, where they often have a chanc e to sample their sweet pies and cakes. Hence the joke. Q: How many NSC members does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can't say. A: Three, in fourteen countries. (Notes: The NSC is the US National Security Council, whose rubric Oliver North was acting under, and which is often accused by people such as Gore Vidal of secretly governing the country.) Q: How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out. (Notes: I presume a " Dune Coon " means a 3rd world peasant.) Q: How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it. (thus combining the themes of elephant jokes and lightbulb jokes...) (any improvements on this answer will be gratefully received...) Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. (Notes: " Supply-siders " were the force behind Reagan's early reforms, and thei r economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didn't quite work out that way.) Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they just start a " Coping With Darkness " support group. (Notes: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the University of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.) Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other. (Notes: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This relates to his theories.) Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs. (Notes : None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.) Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all. (Notes : Leona Helmsley is the owner of a (New York?) hotel who was a real bitch to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation.) Q: How many marginals does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two: One to screw it in real good, and one to call the proctologist. (Notes: Anyone know what a marginal is or does ? It sounds like a rude reference to a supposed homosexual practice of putting foreign objects in each others' rectums. Perhaps " marginal " is some regional insulting term for some kind of male homosexual ?) Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One and a half. (Is this a science-fiction in-joke ?) Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead. (Notes : Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.) Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*! (Notes: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.) And now for some other jokes about lightbulbs that came my way... Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ? A: Cos it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting. A: Cos Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty. A: Cos it was autumn. (eh ?) (Thus combining the twin themes of lightbulb jokes and jokes about things falling out of trees...) Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic ? Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change? A: Eno. Q: Why does it take three women with PMT to change a lightbulb ? A: Cos it does, RIGHT ? Q: What did the lightbulb say to the fuse ? A: That's a blow ! Q: How does an engineer change a lightbulb? A: As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't ! Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They are too " Short " . A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis. Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ? A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first. Q: How many ping pong players does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four. One to complain that it's " table tennis " not " ping pong " , one to change the lightbulb, one to protest about the type of glue he used to fix the lightbulb into place, and one to get out his copy of the " Bats 'R' Us " catalogue and point out that he could have bought an even better one for 50p less. Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway. Question - are there regional variations in lightbulb jokes ? And then there's the joke about the Polish rabbit... ************************************************************************* * Well, we've come to the end of the normal size lightbulb jokes !! But * * for those dedicated enthusiasts, here's my collection of longer ones. * ************************************************************************* Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ? (short (Not Nigel !) version) A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb. (long version, published 6 months later) A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about th e lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : 'Bulb defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change th e bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15) is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26) playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement ha s the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled from world chess for creating a disturbance. (Notes : Refers to the way chess tournaments work and also very topical to a lot of recent chess politics. Credit Hartston in YOU magazine.) Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: 7. y will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. y, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, y notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. y cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. And now for two more versions of the story just for good measure : - (OS versions) A: Six-y to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say " I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead " , Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say " They're BURNED-OUT, Jim! " and " Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!! " , Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process. A: (long version) The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. y rigs up some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so y warps the Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, y has resisted the entreaties of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when y fights them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the episode ends. Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. And now for a monster one donated by anthony5 from rec.humor.funny Q: How many AI (Artificial Intelligence) people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: At least 55: The problem space group (5): One to define the goal state. One to define the operators. One to describe the universal problem solver. One to hack the production system. One to indicate about how it is a model of human lightbulb changing behaviour. The logical formalism group (16): One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in first order logic .. One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in second order logi c. One to show the adequacy of FOL. One to show the inadequacy of FOL. One to show that lightbulb logic is non-monotonic. One to show that it isn't non-monotonic. One to show how non-monotonic logic is incorporated in FOL. One to determine the bindings for the variables. One to show the completeness of the solution. One to show the consistency of the solution. One to show that the two just above are incoherent. One to hack a theorem prover for lightbulb resolution. One to suggest a parallel theory of lightbulb logic theorem proving. One to show that the parallel theory isn't complete. ...ad infinitum (or absurdum, as you will). ... One to indicate how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour. One to call the electrician. The robotics group (10): One to build a vision system to recognize the dead bulb. One to build a vision system to locate a new bulb. One to figure out how to grasp the lightbulb without breaking it. One to figure out how to make a universal joint that will permit the hand to rotate 360+ degrees. One to figure out how to make the universal joint go the other way. One to figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to the socket. One to organize the construction teams. One to hack the planning system. One to get Westinghouse to sponsor the research. One to indicate about how the robot mimics human motor behaviour in lightbulb changing. The knowledge engineering group (6): One to study electricians' changing lightbulbs. One to arrange for the purchase of the lisp machines. One to assure the customer that this is a hard problem and that great accomplishments in theory will come from his support of this effort. (The same one can arrange for the fleecing.) One to study related research. One to indicate about how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour. One to call the lisp hackers. The Lisp hackers (13): One to bring up the chaos net. One to adjust the microcode to properly reflect the group's political beliefs. One to fix the compiler. One to make incompatible changes to the primitives. One to provide the Coke. One to rehack the Lisp editor/debugger. One to rehack the window package. Another to fix the compiler. One to convert code to the non-upward compatible Lisp dialect. Another to rehack the window package properly. One to flame on BUG-LISPM. Another to fix the microcode. One to write the fifteen lines of code required to change the lightbulb. The Psychological group (5): One to build an apparatus which will time lightbulb changing performance. One to gather and run subjects. One to mathematically model the behaviour. One to call the expert systems group. One to adjust the resulting system, so that it drops the right number of bulbs. And now for another monster that I sort of screendumped from rec.humor : - Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as " The Lawyer " , and the party of the second part, also known as " The Light Bulb " , do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entr y way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the part y of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of th e second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) t o maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) , notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ( " Receptacle " ), the party o f the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part( " New Light Bulb " ). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity o f the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as " The Firm " . And now for yet another monster someone sat down one day and worked out... How many DEC employees does it take to change a light bulb? 92 - As follows: 2 People - Preliminary discussion of concept change. 1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture. 2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events. 2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility). 1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC). 4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change. 15 People - Change bulb. 5 People - Perform bulb functional test. 2 People - Perform bulb load test. 3 People - Perform bulb regression test. 1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis. 1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis. 1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility). 1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission. 1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)! 5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) compatibility/architecture study. 3 People - Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, flashing, flood/spot). 3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one). 5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket. 10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split (control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation - screw-in torque, recovery strategies). 1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance group. 1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center). 1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system. 10 People - Answer customer BPRs. 11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 4, 2004 Report Share Posted November 4, 2004 Carol, I got a good chuckle out of the macro lightbulb joke, it's really hilarious. I totally get it. Thanks for sharing. Reggie > As I was surfing the net for some information I ran across this: > > Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask > Michio Kushi for instructions. > > Because we all need a littler laughter in our lives, here's the full > list. (Honestly I don't get some of these, but whatever, the ones I do > get make me smile) > > Definitive Collection of Lightbulb Jokes So Far Known > ------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- > Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. > > Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding > committee to learn more about how it's done. > > Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it. > > Q: How many Majors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame > the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the > original bulb in place 17 years ago. > > Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. The invisible hand does it. > A: None. " There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for > illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the > lightbulb lighting up again. " > > Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces > would have already caused it to happen. > A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. > A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb. > A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw > itself in. > > Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. " Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should > we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle) " > > Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, > economic, and ethnic communities. > A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking. > A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of > the environment. > > Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? > A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. > > Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business. > A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in > the dark. > > Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None, they all just quit and go home! > > Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a > light bulb in the White House? > A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House. > > Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, > so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we > need a Constitutional ammendment. > A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle > screwing one extra lightbulb. > > Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Less and less all the time. > > Q: How many believable, competent, " just right for the job " presidential > candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it? > > Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb? > A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is > actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates > can't even spell " lightbulbe " , eighteen to find out what the other > candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find > out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, > pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy. > > Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to > screw in a lightbulb ? > A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has > made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we > have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. > of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or > business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice. > A: (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light > bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove > the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and > help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! > What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo. > A: ( Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it > only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South > Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see > how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here. > A: ( Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious > attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. ly, I resent > it, and the American people resent it. > A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth > solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At > least I hope not. > A: ( Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing > my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Simon's > all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for > this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in > the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it. > A: ( ) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution > at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even > the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the > American Indians of today don't have enough solver, or gold, or even > paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra > light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes, > from the lighthouse to the White House. > > Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier. > A: None, they only screw the poor > > Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to > change a lightbulb ? > A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't > have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it. > A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have > always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of > the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need > changing. > A: (on) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb! > A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let > those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair > in the dark]. > A: (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier! > A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question. > I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing > alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light bulb jokes. > > Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb. > > Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses. > > Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to > screw in a light bulb? > A: 15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone > hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense > examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and i > t > proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the > bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the > room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one > to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists. > > Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? > A: None, they like to keep him in the dark. > > Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb? > A: What light bulb? > Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory. > A: Just one - . > Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on and her apparent de facto > ascent to power in 1987 > > Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial > ( " The bulb is really just dim " ), one to blame the bulb burning out on the > administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one > to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burnin > g > out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money fro > m > the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his ol > d > colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the > cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the > next generation. > > Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. > A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold. > > Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb? > A: That's a military secret. > > Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a > light bulb? > A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of > production! > > Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons of > inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't defective. > > Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic joke. > > Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while > the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. > A: Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the > Environmental Impact Statement. > A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor > to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file th > e > requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition > to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, > a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order > a receiving clerk to receive the bulb.... > A: Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be > shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are > maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal > regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the > paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet. > A: Two - one to screw it in and one to screw it up. > A: None, we contract out for things like that. > > Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder. > > Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs > burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to > enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder. > > Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design > change request form. > > Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb? > A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. > > Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! > > Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. > > Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb? > A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb! > > Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that believes > in violent revolution. Attributed to '83, a student activist > at Harvard. > > (And in a similar vein...) > Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > (Cue typical sarcastic angry ei Sayle voice) > A: It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!! > > Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: All of them. > (Notes : An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do for theirself. > ) > Perhaps it would help to say, " All of them. Or, none of them. Or several. " > (BTW, I prefer " theirself " to any other construction.) > > Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. > A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old > one has burnt out. > > Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? > A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild > civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. > A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel. > > Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there. > > Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war. > > Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. > > Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! > > Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for > publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the > Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the > house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion > of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at > Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church > to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of > bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas > Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, > fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy th > e > light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the ry as the bulb is bein > g > screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it. > > Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss > secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop > steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's > best friend did it real cheap for me once. > > Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: One, but don't expect results. > > (They're supposed to be useless...(but we're Europeans, so none of that!)) > > Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, they like Danzig in the dark. > > Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness. > > Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive > the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while > he does it. > > Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb. > > Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other > skater on the knee. > > Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32....... > > Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW? > A: JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH? > > Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room. > > Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done > everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better. > > Q: How many Directors does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: What do you think? (Theatre humour) > > Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old > one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles. > > Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so... > > Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take > to screw in a light bulb? > A: One, but they're really three. > > Q: How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Five, and you should've seen the lightbulb! It must have been *this* big. > > Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is. > > Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb > ? > A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so > it'll be architecturally accurate. > > Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going " To > the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it > out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and > to the right, and to the right, and to the right... " > > Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and > met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's > shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox > occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of > existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though. > > Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex > exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the > removed lightbulb. > > Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or > vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alon > e > and change the room. It's all relative. > > Q: How many " Changing lightbulbs " -joke writers does it take to change a > lightbulb? > A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't -figured that out yet. > > Q: How many of me does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and one to > spend the next 6 months going round telling it to everyone. > > Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up. > > Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill. > > Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Only one, but he'll tell everybody. > > Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof. > > Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two thirds. > > (Notes : Many mutations/birth defects result in people missing limbs, etc. > Thus, a mutant is often only " 2/3 of a person " ) > Or, perhaps it's " Got three hands, only needs two for the job ? " > > Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye. > > Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from. > A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, > and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him. > > Note: Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings. > > Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: One, but he uses a chainsaw. > > Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One - but he has to wait until the light is better. > > Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection > slip to the old bulb. > > Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without > checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to > accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw i > t > in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it > was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart. > A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's bee > n > thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and > one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice. > > Q: How many Indiana University " notes " users does it take to > change a light bulb? > A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job > they can get after they graduate. > A: Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington? > > Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change > the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb. > > Q: How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a > light bulb? > A: Change it to what? > > Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough. > > Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and... > > Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination. > (left a bit, right a bit, left a bit...) > A: None, bankers don't change light bulbs. > (Note: Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are full of > burned-out light bulbs?) > > Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this > is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs. > A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change > as the older, heavier ones. > > Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb? > A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with > gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need > . > > Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. > A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, an > d > the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket. > > Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: As many as will fit in the El Camino. > > (Notes: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that was popular wit > h > Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped as putting a lot of people into > their cars when they go low-riding.) > > Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport. > > Q: How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solv > e > the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke > into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native > Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action > Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been > underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara > Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the > way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole > procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for > everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck. > > Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We > have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*. > > Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here! > A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in > . > > Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Nine thousand-after all, it's *their* light bulb. > > Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping..... > > Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore. > > Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? > A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage. > > Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century. > > Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction. > A: Siz. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes. > > Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb? > A: 45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania's > bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up > the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little > eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of > dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the > bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights. > > (and in a similar vein...) > Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly > eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in. > > Q: How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was > burnt out in the first place. > (Notes: Is/was this topical to one particular event, or does it just > reflect American frustration with the Arab way of doing things and the > peace process in general ?) > > Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first. > > Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job. > > Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city > turns up to watch. (Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.) > > Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to > perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid > nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology > to advance sufficiently to revive it. > > Q: How many EEPers does it take to replace a light bulb? > A: Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of the effects > on his/her social development relative to same-age peers who sat around > in the dark. > > Note: EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of Washington > > Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight. > A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either > . > > Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? > A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439- 0001, > Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of > the pages state only " This page intentionally left blank " , and 20% > of the definitions are of the form " A ...... consists of sequences > of non-blank characters separated by blanks " . > A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it. > > Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finall > y > a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front > of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The > size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether > or not the function is exponential is not known. > > Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket. > A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature. > > Q: How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard. > > Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb? > A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it. > > Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb? > A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it. > > Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded. > A: Two-fifty > A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world sen > d > him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records. > A: One, who'll do it for food. > A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out, wake up > three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his > back, and realize where the light bulb went. > A: Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same way in the southern > hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis Effect (which is actually pretty > negligible). > > Q: How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for the > old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one to blame > the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker to say that Lyndon > LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the > British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would never > need to be replaced, Ted to tell everyone they're full of it, > and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR. > > Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light bulb joke? > A: 622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some > minor variation of it, believing this to constitute a great new joke that > noone else had ever thought of. > > Q: How many net.poets does it take to change a light bulb? > > swimming > A: None, fish are through the of my conciousness, > and edges > I dark. > like the > > Q: How many USENET users does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d. > (Note: a nice try, but there's no such group. alt.fan.lightbulbs is quite > active, though - BRIAN.) > > Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a > while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she > selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, > so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes > great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, > long-lasting bulbs. > > Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in > with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the > old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to com > e > in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the > whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn't > actually add up to 100. > A: Thirteen. One to change it, one to post in saying " I got it " , one to post > in saying " Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays " , one to post in sayin > g > he missed the original lightbulb joke and could someone please post it > again or email it to him, one to post in quoting everything so far and the > words " Me too " , two to turn it into a cascade, one to post in with " I don' > t > get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes ? " , one to post in after two > months " What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking about ? " , one to > repost it a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post " I didn't ge > t > it. What's the punchline ? " , one to post " Has anyone got a list of these ? > I'm starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes " , and one > to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by > " Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ? " and accompanied by all of our old > favourites like " How many programmers...? None that's a hardware problem. " > > Q: How many VEGGIE subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: 11. One to change it and post a little joke about it to the list, eight to > do most of the above, one to post " So what has all this got to do with > veg*nism ? " and suggest the discussion be moved to email or rec.humor.d, > and one to post " > rec.humor.d What's that ? " > > Q: How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat glistened on her > perfectly rounded breast... Her brother had gone to the hardware > store to get a new lightbulb. Suddenly the door opened and there he stood, > silhouetted against the sharp light from the doorway. She could see the > bulge in his pants.. " They didn't have any lightbulbs but wait'll you get > a load of my hardware " , he said as he started unzipping his pants... > > Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke? > A: 300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death. > > Q: How many Europeans does it take to submit a light bulb joke? > A: Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns? > (Notes : This joke was created after the creator saw the movie 2010.) > > Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke? > A: 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit " How many programmers does > it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem. " > > Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke? > A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted > to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it > will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 . > Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no > submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been > submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability > that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about > 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke. > > A: One. > Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: ---- You should have hit " n! " > > Note: refers to the way of skipping an article in an electronic > news reading program. > > Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring > light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government > plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer > prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb > assassin to break the bulb in the first place. > > Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can > decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar > one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one > come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely > out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new > and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that > that new bulb is shipping with a virus. > > Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing > that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb. > > Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way > 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper > praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead. > > Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light > Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends > up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's > driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union > steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in lightbulbs. > > Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Sod you! That's the electrician's job. > > Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub > with brightly colored machine tools. > A: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window. > (An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told at a party > or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a completely > irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus of " No, it' > s > a fish ! " ) > > Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him. > > Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? > A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. > > Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... > ... and one to change the bulb. > > Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and > sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). > > Q: How many rock stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > A: None. Rock stars only screw in jacuzzis. > > Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb > itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective > reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a > maudlin cosmos of nothingness. > > Q: How many s does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. " And that's magic ! " > > Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb > in San Francisco? > A: Both of them. > > Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to > screw in a light bulb? > A: Both of them. > (Very flexible-use against any group you want to imply is nearly nonexistent) > . > > Q: How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ? > Q: Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his > greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter. > > Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. " It's not a bug, it's a feature. " > A: Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer really as > " None. It's a hardware problem. " ) > A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. > A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. > A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, > and two to explain why the project was late. > > Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs. > > Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb > ? > A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark. > A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature. > A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc) > A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem. > A: None: " We'll fix it in software. " > > Q: How long will it take? > A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've > brought with them. > > Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs? > A: They replace your fuse box. > > Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: None, they just keep everyone out of the room. > > Q: How many computer security experts does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: " That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a C2 > bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the > potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert > channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [se > e > also the " Orange Book " ] > > Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. We don't fix the problems, we just find them. > > Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? > A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. > A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path. > > Q: How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him " 2> " he'll mash both the live and > dead bulbs into the same socket at once. > > Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Read the man page! > > Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? > A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT & T on payment > of license fee (binary only). > A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually > drops it, and the others call for a planning session. > A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one > of their subordinates to actually change it. > > Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that > the only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use > any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC. > > Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: None: " We'll document it in the manual. " > > Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... > A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... > > [Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP > programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. > (cf computer dictionary entry: RECURSION - see recursion) > These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as > in the punchline. IT COULD BE IMPROVED: > A: (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))... ] > > Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None. There's a primitive for that. > (Notes : I don't do APL but I think a primitive is a procedure that is include > d > as a part of the language. You don't have to write code ( " hack " ) to do it.) > > Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Three: > One to write the light bulb removal program, > one to write the light bulb insertion program, and > one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure > nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. > > Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: None: " The user can work it out. " > A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. > A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user. > > Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: " Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be > working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?... " > > Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician > before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on. > > Q: How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first. > > Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard. > A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert > the new one. > A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing th > e > bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the " look > and feel " of the bulb changing method. > A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon. > > Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > A: Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to get in. > A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb. > > Q: How many insects does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > A: Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take? > (Notes : Refers to the previous answer.) > > Q: How many medflies does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > A: None: they do it in the fruit. > > (Notes : Medflies are very small flies (drosophila, I think) who eat, > mate and lay their eggs in ripe fruit.) > > Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > A: None. They screw in hotel rooms. > > Q: How many of Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs. > > Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and > four to go! > > Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three: One to turn it up the day before when you're out, one to change > the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb. > > Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured. > A: None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per > family to save electricity. > > Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions. > > Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a dark alley and > brag about it in the pub afterwards. > A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer. > A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one > to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs. > A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the > bulb and screw it in. > > Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb? > A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a _long_ story about it... > > Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one. > > Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how. > > Q: How many Blue presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive > Christmas tree decoration. > A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic. > > Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom > person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2 > starts to do the changing, and the 2 " Mystery Chefs " to interrupt and > tell us he's doing it all wrong. > > Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes. > > Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? > A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. > A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen > in on the guest list. > > Tourist: > Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a lightbulb ? > Welsh Choir: > No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in moving harmony... > > Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other > how they could have done it better. > > Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. If they sing loud enough they'll break it. > > Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None - " Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal > chords. Have the bassist do it. " > > Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was. > > Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb? > A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything > to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance > they want to do. > > Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times. > > Q: How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it > to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the > dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the > remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb. > > Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going " Huh ! I could've > done that ! " > > Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are > trying to elbow him out of the spotlight. > A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand. > > Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light. > A: None: " I've got a candle that looks just like it. " > A: Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles- anything you want. > A: " Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but i > f > you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... " > A: Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new > model bulb out which is much better. > A: Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg. > A: Two: One to change the bulb and one to say " Yeah, that sounds just like it > . " > (With apologies for some slight overlapping of the answers here.) > > Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't > just be pushed in. > A: One, but only after asking " Why? " > A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after > they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). > > Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb? > A: Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified. > A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way > Bill Monroe would have done it. > > Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb there and > the other to play harp. > > Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck > > Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck... > getting stuck... > > Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' > in the wind. > > Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored. > > Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat. > > Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on > his forehead. > A: Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first. > (Notes: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the first punk > band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead Kennedys etc.) > > Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to > put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing > that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the > floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and > so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to > buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on the way, > they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily > trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of > special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his > long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the way back by > crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do at least > *sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remember > s > what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the > squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is > just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, th > e > lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so th > e > dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers > gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that > makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed > lightbulb in its mouth. > > Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway. > > Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take > collections in the bulb's name. > > Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. > A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed > . > (Notes: sorority is the female version of brotherhood. And the joke is tha > t > during sorority rush, the sisters all greet their new would-be pledges by > standing out on the house steps and singing. You have to have been an > American undergraduate to really appreciate that one.) > > Q: How many frat (fat will do) guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. > A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. > (Commentary from an American on the last two : - " Frat " is short for > " fraternity. " In college, many undergraduate males join a fraternity; girls > join sororities. There are many reasons for this, the most common being the > " better " social life associated with the Greek system in general. (The Greek > system encompasses both fraternities and sororities.) " Frat guys " are > stereotypically viewed as being stupid, sexist, party animals. " Sorority > chicks " are seen as materialistic and promiscuous dim-wits. There are a lot of > other sterotypes for both. I hope that this clears up any confusion.) > > Q: How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, they have council fires instead. > > (Commentary from an American : " Native Americans " here doesn't refer to just > any native American, it refers to American Indians. No, not people from India > who live in America, but the modern descendants of the aboriginal peoples of > the American continents. With me so far? A " council fire " is a social event fo > r > these people, or for Boy Scouts, that is modeled after a practice that may or > may not have been common among certain tribes of the American Northeast. As to > why someone thinks this is a joke, I just don't know.) > > Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change. > A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. > A: How long have you been having this phantasy ? > A: How many do *you* think it takes? > > Q: How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's > screwing it in the wrong way. > > Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: It depends on what you want them to change it into. > > Q: How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to > revolve around him. > > Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two ! > A: None. " I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job. " > A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it > with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to > bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re- installs the bulb > fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest > of the band. > > Q: How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it take to change > a lightbulb ? > A: 21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who > was only there to look at the light. > > Q: How many Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny. > > (Explanation : Zappa (being a jazz musician (among other styles)) > commented on contemporary jazz: " Jazz is not dead--it just smells funny. " ) > > Q: How many health food freaks does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the ingredients on > the new one. > (But did they change it for health or philosophical reasons ?) > > Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask > Michio Kushi for instructions. > > Q: How many monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum. > (with eternal thanks to Cutmore for this timeless classic.) > > Q: How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a lightbulb ? > (cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...) > A: None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes out enjoying > yourselves..... > A: Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it behind her back. > > Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty > about having to call the cleaning lady. > > Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place. > > Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the > packaging. > > Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home. > > Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one > to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed. > > Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother? > > Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail, > and ten to demonstrate on the streets. > > Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report. > > Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to > change a lightbulb ? > A: None. That's a second year subject. > > Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. > A: It all depends on the size of the grant. > A: Two and a professor to take credit. > A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day. > A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a > $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me > how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this > incredibly vital question. > > Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, pre-meds don't screw, they study. > A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder > out from under him. > (Notes: The joke is that getting into med school is extremely competitive. > ) > > Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar. > > Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. They are far too busy hacking. > > Q: How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is. > > Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework. > A: One if at home, but on school time, four. > A: On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a > million to pick up the pieces. > > Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. > > Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. > > Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to > bill the government for the house. > > Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. That's what research students are for. > A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical > modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for > publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work. > > Q: How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks > for a new one. > > Q: How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd > really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong. > A: It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with > other men. > A: Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because > it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him. > > Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek " Fabulous! " > A: None, they get screwed in the ass instead. > A: Hey, don't let's talk about the lightbulb, honey, let's talk about > the shade ! > > Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Sixty-nine. > A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it > is than with a man. > A: Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it. > > Q: How many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. " Who needs lights ? " > > Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb. > > Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they > wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh > > Q: How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Whatever number turns you on, big boy. > > Q: How many women does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: (It's a very simple task, so...) None. " It's a man's job. " > > Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: 100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and agonize about how > oppressed the socket is. > A: How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby Congress to outlaw > crimes against sockets -- and to say the bulb-changer is not a > representative of mainstream feminism. > A: Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock. > A: 11. 1 to change the lightbulb and 10 to form a support group! > A: Seven. One to change the lightbulb, three to protest the offense committed > by the lightbulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly wish they were > the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the lightbulb. > A: Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing it before it's a > third of the way in. > A: None. It's not the lightbulb that needs changing. > A: Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to find a female > electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works. > A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels. > A: Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do violent things to any > man who tries to interfere. > A: Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications. > A: That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!! > Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb? > A': It's " Radcliffe Women " and it's not funny! > > (Notes: Radcliffe is the all-women's college near Harvard that used to be wher > e > women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since then it has earned a reputation fo > r > militant feminism as it has remained all-female. The joke is on feminists' > supposed failure to laugh along at deprecatory remarks.) > > Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. > > Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. > > Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first. > A: One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how many > there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax jobs. > A: None. Men don't screw-in lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on > just by rubbing up against them. > > Q: How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark. > A: None. They have the girls do it. > > Q: How many new men does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby. > > Q: How many VMM members does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand around discussing > what they all want to do next. > (Notes : VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where nobody ever > puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do anything.) > > Q: How many new-agers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around going " Hmmm well I > don't really mind who does it. I mean, I COULD do it, but of course I > woudn't want to impose my will upon anyone else... " > A: Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad psychic auras.(an > d > optionally another dozen to perform the dance of the renewal of the light. > ) > A: Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology. > A: Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll work in the future > . > > Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb > ? > A: 2. One to do it and one to say " Huh ! My four-year old could've done that! > " > > Q: How many fine artists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks. > > Q: How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 notices > that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so > farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it. > (Notes: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported British sheep.) > > Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and > watch the old bulb burn. > > Q: How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone that admits to > being a racist even if you knew how many you were looking for. Instead, > they tend to say things like " Well I'm not a racist, BUT ..... " > > Q: How many Beverly hills realtors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic. > (Notes : Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate, the joke referes to the > many arabs who are moving to high-class neigbourhoods in the United States.) > > Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: None, they have a service come in and do that. > > Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say " Oh Wow! " > A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss > the environmental impact. > A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience > . > (I also heard this joke told about new-agers.) > (This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a class of > students during a lecture, in order to make a point about the fact that > only one student was doing any work at the terminal while a whole bunch > had crowded round to watch - sharing the experience of him doing the work. > ) > > Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those > Californians trying to share the experience. > A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear > power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. > > Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. > A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she > is familiar with. > A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the > problem to the previous question. > > In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician > can change a light bulb. > > If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply > watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the > light bulb. > > Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, > n mathematicians can change a light bulb. > > Bibliography: > > [1] Weiner, P., <11485@ucbvax>, " Re: YALBJ " , 1986 > > Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the electrician. > (Firstly, yuppies nowadays drink expensive imported lagers...) > (Secondly, this is meant to be told about Sloane Rangers, but > most people didn't seem to have a clue what that meant so I changed it.) > > Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None 'o yo' damn business! > A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. > A: Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers. > A: 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it. > A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to > replace it after the ensuing publicity. > > Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the > bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder > steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that th > e > other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a > coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way > of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with > the yuppies. > > Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable right to > withdraw its labour. > > Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. " Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to > be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and > individuality. " > > Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it. > > Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast. > > Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block. > > Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already. > > Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw > in a light bulb? > A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway. > > Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do > with the old one for the next 10,000 years. > > Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. > A: None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself. > > Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function. > (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be > done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being > infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.) > > Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb? > A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the > new bulb. > > Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb? > A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is. > > Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials. > > Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. > > Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. > (Notes: Valley Girls is a term used to describe a category of young female > s > from certain parts of California who are noted among other things for usin > g > vast quantities of previously non-existent slang.) > > Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! > > Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: That depends on whether it has health insurance. > A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb > installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. > A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round > to the surgery later. > A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary. > A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines. > > Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant. > > Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket ? You aren't using it > anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later. > > Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Only one, but it takes nine visits. > > Q: How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room. > > (From the Daily Mail.) > Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb ? > ( " funny " version) > A: Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in th > e > replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the > delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post- mortem. > (Allegedly true version - believe it if you will.) > A: Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one. > Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department. > Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case. > Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually > or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's pigeonhole. > Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts > needed. He goes to scene of faulty lightbulb. He fits bulb or discovers he > cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. He completes > work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance > department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to see task > completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket filed. Membe > r > of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. Details go > into department's workload report. > > Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? > A: You can unscrew a light bulb. > > Q: How many body builders does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say " Man, you've got huge muscles ! " > (Apparently body builders admire each other's muscles.) > > Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. > A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke. > > Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb??? > A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer > it with the lights off. > > Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. > > Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. > > Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put th > e > new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure > . > > Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: There is nothing to change. > > Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway. > > Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ? > A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over > whether or not the lightbulb exists. > > Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have > changed it to " light bulb " . > > Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None. They're never in the dark. > A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway. > A: None. Atheists never " see the light " anyway do they ? > > Q: How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist? > A: It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway. > > (Notes : Many icons and other religious artworks describe christian > saints and biblical figures glowing with light.) > > Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way > . > A: A tree in a golden forest. > A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. > A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen > answer is Four. One to change the bulb. > A: None. Zen masters carry their own light. > > (Notes : This would probably be funny to someone who knows about Zen Buddhism. > Perhaps main the joke is that a Zen master doesn't do anything, he just IS. Ze > n > masters always have those ancient wise sayings for every situation (2nd > answer). 3rd and 4th answers refer to the Zen philosophy of life, on which I'm > no expert. 5th answer I guess refers to the deep wisdom they claim to have.) > > Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, > one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those. > > Q: How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One - " If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will " > > Q: How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja. > (Notes: PUJA is a religious ceremony.) > > Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it > would be blasphemy to attempt to change it. > > Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for > Salman Rushdie in the dark. > > Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light. > > Q: How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, > chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words " Hari Krishna. " > > Q: How many Branch ians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, they provide their own illumination. > A: Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on. > > Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent. > A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old > bulb last rites. > > Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Three, but they're really only one. > > Q: How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs. > > Q: How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments. > > Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God will be > replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows quite when. > > Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to > go back on. > > Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? > A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change > light bulbs too. > A: One, and thirty natives to see the light. > > Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off > the carpet and the chair he was standing on. > > Q: How many police does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh ?) > (This is evidently a " hunt sabs " joke.) > (Commentary from an American: I don't get " hunt sabs " . In any case, I > still find it funny. The joke is that whenever something in the US happen > s > that requires the continued presence of the police, one always gets > dispatched to direct traffic and keep it moving because everyone always > slows down and rubbernecks when they see a lot of police cars.) So we > could also count another five to stand around going " Show's over, nothing > left to see here, folks, move along. " > > Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None. It turned itself in. > A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him. > > Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters. > > Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: How many can you afford? > A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. > A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up > and shouting " Objection ! " > A: None, lawyers only screw us. > A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to > really screw a bulb... > A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, > or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out > in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, > and one to sue the bulb manufacturers. > (another huge answer is at the bottom of this file.) > > Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it > at all if it worked all right for him last time. > > Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > A: Four. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out > from under him, and one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate, > who then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room. > > Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to change > a light bulb? > A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! > A: Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. > (or the Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support for it) > > (Notes : The Heisman is a trophy awarded to the suposed best overall college > football player each season by the NY Athletic Club. Barry Switzer was formerl > y > the University of Oklahoma football coach, one of the winningest ever. The jok > e > relates to the fact that the school's publicity department has as much, if not > more, to do with getting the Heisman than the player's actual ability.) > (Commentary from another American ! Not exactly...OU has had a few Heisman > trophy winners, but only one of them when Switzer was head coach (thus the > joke's really not that funny). Now if you changed it to Woody , former > head coach at coach at Ohio State, or Bo Schembechler, former Michigan head > coach, it might be more humorous.) > > Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble. > > Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to change > a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice > bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing. > > Q: How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up. > (also Buffalo Bills) > > (Commentary from an American: Oh, please <groan> :-). I live in Buffalo, so > it's a slightly sore subject. This relates to recent Super Bowls. The Broncos > have been to four Super Bowls, and lost three by huge margins- " blowouts " . > Likewise the Bills, the pride and joy of our city, have lost the last three > straight, the last two by overwhelming margins.) > 31/01/94 And another one too, by 30-13 !!! . > > Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how > much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo. > > Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb? > A: Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in. > > Q: How many Canadian sex murderers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: [punchline forbidden on Canadian newsservers by publication ban; e-mail > list maintainer] > > Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump > onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of > the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round > and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white > stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about > something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers. > > Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. > Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. > > Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two, one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when the > screwing began. > A: Nine-four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures > of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the > new bulb to let the room stay dark. > > Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before > it was lit up. > > Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? > A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete > pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. > Meanwhile... > > Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None; assholes never see the light anyway. > > Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? " > A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. > A: Only one. " Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with > your finger while I go get a new bulb? " > > Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. > (Note: This joke is about an American ad for light beer=reduced calories.) > > Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: What?! And ruin my nails??? > A: Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building superintendant. > A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. > (Notes: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a Tab = a can of Tab the drink.) > > Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her > friends about it. > > Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? > A: None-just assume it's changed. > > Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? > A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. > > Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? > A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bul > b. > Notes: Ugh! > > Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? > A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up. > > Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? > A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him . > > Q: " How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? " > A: " 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct > the ship out of disgrace. " > (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They > consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.) > > The next three jokes were taken from the " Official Klingon Joke Book " . > > Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark. > (Oops I'm slipping, this is the same answer as for real men..) > > Q: What do they do with the dead bulb? > A: Execute it for failure. > > Q: What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb? > A: Execute him for cowardice. > > Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? > A: " Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000 " > > Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb? > A: None, they just assimilate the bulb. > > (Notes : Yup, you find them in Star Trek too. They are those part machine part > humanoid looking creatures that go around conquering worlds and assimilating > all those poor people into their collective and turning them into Borgs.) > > Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building. > A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them. > > Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? > A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. > > Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. > A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say " I wish I > was up there ! " > > Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to > give it a surprising twist at the end. > > Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. > > Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you > to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. > > Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say " Sock it to Me. " > (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from " Laugh In. " ) > > Q: How many people in Twin Peaks does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to change it and one to wrap the dead one in plastic. > (Notes: Twin Peaks has a murderer who wraps the victims in plastic.) > > Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the > hardware store. > > Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One, but it takes twelve steps. > A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs. > A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him. > > Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? > A: It depends whether the switch is on or off. > > Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness... > > Q: How many ns does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: <Ahem> We do not discuss this with ladies and children present. > > Q: How many BATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then surround the > house when it rebuffs them. > A: It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house. > > (Notes : BATF is The US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, repsonsible > for setting up that Waco (We Aint Coming Out !) Branch ians siege in > spring 1993, which ended in a fashion the second punchline suggests.) > > Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you. > > Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first. > > Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he > turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of > the report despite the manipulation. > > Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent > one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, > and the last to concur with the dissenters in part. > > Q: How many Hegelians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it > isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says that true > light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis when the > bulb gets screwed in. > (Explanation : Hegel and Marx use a logical procedure called dialectics to see > k > answers to seemingly mutual exclusive positions. Shortened it is " thesis, > antithesis, synthesis " . Thus 'no light' and 'no dark' can arrive at a middle > ground through logical examination 'it's dark but it can be made light'.) > > Q: How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves and if > they need light they go out and look at the sun. > > Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Why does it *have* to be changed? > > Q: How many American standup comedians does it take to change a light bulb? > A: You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying > cross country and the stewardess started telling me about her cat. > Man, I hate people who don't use their turn signals. Hey, how about > an impression. Here's Jack Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag > imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS.... > > Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively > modern invention. > > Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it. > > Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be > flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is > incapable of delivering uninterrupted light. > > Q: How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest > event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing. > A: One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden Galleria. > > Q: How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in > tight circles. > A: Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it > down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it. > > Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in. > > Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two-one to do it and one to cross the road. > > Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes? > > Q: How many Pizza Hut employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Three-one to do it, one to hold the ladder, and one to tell the story > about " last night. " > (Notes : This is guaranteed true by someone who used to work there. The > stories refer to wild copious drinking and also a few bedroom exploits.) > > Q: How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them. > > Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it > feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience. > > Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with light bulbs > ! > A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, > and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot > of people get hurt because they can't see. > > Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: 3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead > fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an " I'm the NRA " ad while > doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period. > A: Two, one to do it and the other one to get his dick out of the gun. > > Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark. > A: One, and a lot of light bulbs. > A: Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal > more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer. > A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by > its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair. > > Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre? > A: One, if you aim well. > > Q: What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? > A: Neither one is very bright. > > A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His > girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers. > ``Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.'' > > Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two. One to bite the bulb out of the socket and one to hammer the > new one in. > (A stereotype of Newfoundlanders as stupid - usually told by Canadians.) > > Q: How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together > to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to > plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass > naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV > shows, and one to play classic rock. > > Q: How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something > to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage. > > Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, they *like* it in the dark. > > Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? > A: One. > > Q: How many one-armed people does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt. > > Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: At least three. (Notes: think height!) > > Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? > A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... > Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary Watt in 1983 > > Q: How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None. They won't, because: > > > " I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it! " > > " If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a > brighter one, so where will it all end? " > > " We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world > three times over. " > > " We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone > is hungry anywhere. " > > " We don't know what effect all this artificial light will > have on the future of mankind. " > > " Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't > learned to husband it yet. " > > " Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct. " > > " The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity. " > > " It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide > light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color > sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status, > national origin, or need. " > > Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? > A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if > you knew how many. > Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls > > Q: How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get real bright ! > > Q: How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability of a woman. > > Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. > > (Notes on the previous 3: Chassidim (pronounced " hass-ee-deem " - it's Hebrew) ar > e > an orthodox Jewish sect. The jokes above refer to various further subsects and > their peculiarities. The Lubavitchers, the most prevalent, are known for their > belief that the Mossiach (Messiah) will be coming along soon. The Bratzlaver > joke refers to the fact that they all revered their founder, the Rabbi Nachman > , > and since he died they haven't really replaced him, as nobody in the group > feels capable of filling his shoes. The Satmar are very strict in their > adherence to the sex-role distinctions prescribed by the Bible-in one area, > they've been fighting with local authorities about school busing, because they > believe that women should not be allowed to drive, and the school system > employs a lot of women as bus drivers.) > > Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None, astronomers prefer the dark. > > Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb. > A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff. > > Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around > to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The lightbulb > costs 3 million dollars. > > Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Billions and billions. > (Notes: Carl Sagan is an astronomer/physicist/TV presenter etc but I still > don't understand the joke, unless " billions and billions " is his catchphrase ? > ) > > Q: How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb. > > Q: How many editors of Poor 's Almanac does it take to replace > a light bulb? > A: Many hands make light work. > > (Notes: " Poor 's Almanac " is a classic of colonial Americana, written > (pseudonymously) by Ben lin in the 1740s. It advocates a simple, thrifty > lifestyle in the form of aphorisms, including that one, so it makes a nice pla > y > on words.) > > Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. > > (Notes: It might be something to do with the film - 2001 Space Odyssey. > It's more the book, actually. That and " The Lost Worlds of 2001 " should > help illuminate this one. The big black monoliths, according to the books, > are meant to help man evolve, something sort of hinted at in the film but > more explicitly stated in the books.) > > Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Only one, but it takes eight million years. > > Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? > A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number. > (Could somebody please explain this one to me ! I think it's something to do > with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to > prove things.) > > Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: To get to the other side. > > (Notes: The " dadaist " answer, like dadaism itself, goes further than the > surrealist one. Whereas the surrealist one at least bears the semblance > of a relationship to the question, the dadaist one is the punchline to > another joke entirely.) > > Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Why bother? > > (I guess the point is that spies like to do everything in the dark anyway ?) > > Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones. > > Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and > worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the > room to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress. > > (Notes: EST (Erhard Seminars Training) was some sort of self- esteem-building > programme that was popular in the late 1970s. The sessions were as described > in the punchline.) > > Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies. > > (Notes: The Amish are a people, also known as the " Pennsylvania Dutch " , who > mostly (though not exclusively) live in southeastern Pennsylvania and are note > d > for their religion. They adhere to a strict code of living that forbids using > such modern conveniences as electricity and automobiles, and indeed often look > and act as if they were time travelers from the early nineteenth century (they > drive around in horse and buggy carts). They are descended from German > Protestant immigrants of that time (hence the " Dutch " as the immigration peopl > e > misunderstood " Deutsch " , the answer they gave for nationality). Their quaint > lifestyle draws many people to SE PA every year, where they often have a chanc > e > to sample their sweet pies and cakes. Hence the joke. > > Q: How many NSC members does it take to change a light bulb? > A: We can't say. > A: Three, in fourteen countries. > > (Notes: The NSC is the US National Security Council, whose rubric Oliver North > was acting under, and which is often accused by people such as Gore Vidal of > secretly governing the country.) > > Q: How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb? > A: Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they > need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out. > (Notes: I presume a " Dune Coon " means a 3rd world peasant.) > > Q: How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it. > (thus combining the themes of elephant jokes and lightbulb jokes...) > (any improvements on this answer will be gratefully received...) > > Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. > > (Notes: " Supply-siders " were the force behind Reagan's early reforms, and thei > r > economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were > more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government > economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle > would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently > whipped. Obviously, it didn't quite work out that way.) > > Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, they just start a " Coping With Darkness " support group. > > (Notes: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the University > of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.) > > Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other. > > (Notes: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and > theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This > relates to his theories.) > > Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs. > > (Notes : None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is > a > play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and > ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb > and the hallway lamp is still out.) > > Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all. > (Notes : Leona Helmsley is the owner of a (New York?) hotel who was a real > bitch to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation.) > > Q: How many marginals does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Two: One to screw it in real good, and one to call the proctologist. > (Notes: Anyone know what a marginal is or does ? It sounds like a rude > reference to a supposed homosexual practice of putting foreign objects in each > others' rectums. Perhaps " marginal " is some regional insulting term for some > kind of male homosexual ?) > > Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: One and a half. > (Is this a science-fiction in-joke ?) > > Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead. > > (Notes : Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent > bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep > their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would > probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.) > > Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*! > (Notes: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.) > > And now for some other jokes about lightbulbs that came my way... > > Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ? > A: Cos it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting. > A: Cos Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty. > A: Cos it was autumn. (eh ?) > (Thus combining the twin themes of lightbulb jokes and > jokes about things falling out of trees...) > > Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic ? > > Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change? > A: Eno. > > Q: Why does it take three women with PMT to change a lightbulb ? > A: Cos it does, RIGHT ? > > Q: What did the lightbulb say to the fuse ? > A: That's a blow ! > > Q: How does an engineer change a lightbulb? > A: As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't ! > > Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: None. They are too " Short " . > A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis. > > Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ? > A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file > three millimetres off it first. > > Q: How many ping pong players does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: Four. One to complain that it's " table tennis " not " ping pong " , one to > change the lightbulb, one to protest about the type of glue he used to fix > the lightbulb into place, and one to get out his copy of the " Bats 'R' Us " > catalogue and point out that he could have bought an even better one for > 50p less. > > Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ? > A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway. > > Question - are there regional variations in lightbulb jokes ? > > And then there's the joke about the Polish rabbit... > > ********************************************************************* **** > * Well, we've come to the end of the normal size lightbulb jokes !! But * > * for those dedicated enthusiasts, here's my collection of longer ones. * > ********************************************************************* **** > > Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > (short (Not Nigel !) version) > > A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the > lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and > call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 > tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others > are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was > better before they changed the lightbulb. > > (long version, published 6 months later) > > A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about th > e > lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests > the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged > player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The > director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says > that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. > Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says > it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks > the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The > deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : 'Bulb > defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change th > e > bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) > as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15) > is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party > (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman > then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and > storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing > Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he > will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold > the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) > championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26) > playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence > increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks > into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement ha > s > the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled > from world chess for creating a disturbance. > (Notes : Refers to the way chess tournaments work and also very topical to > a lot of recent chess politics. Credit Hartston in YOU magazine.) > > Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a > light bulb? > A: 7. y will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the > Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones > to pronounce the bulb dead. y, after checking around, notices > that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't > see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency > stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a > light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red > shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are > promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party > is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, y notices a Klingon ship > approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. > Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as > a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs > they can carry. y cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the > planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, > and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. > > And now for two more versions of the story just for good measure : - > > (OS versions) > A: Six-y to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say > " I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead " , Spock to tell > Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say " They're BURNED-OUT, > Jim! " and " Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!! " , Kirk to > screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process. > > A: (long version) > The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat > to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. y rigs up > some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours > but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an > emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any > known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three > security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so y warps the > Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the > security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies > when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy > are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be > in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too. > Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be > useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the > chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a > duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone > crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the > chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love > with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers > her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to > kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is > not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, y has resisted the entreaties > of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating > Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is > convinced when y fights them off, and at the last minute, he > returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the > light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, > they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the > bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just > happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the > starfield appears, and the episode ends. > > Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to > change a light bulb? > A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, > I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and > remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the > dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a > hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and > replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. > Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just > before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry > truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. > > And now for a monster one donated by anthony5 from rec.humor.funny > > Q: How many AI (Artificial Intelligence) people does it take to > change a lightbulb? > A: At least 55: > > The problem space group (5): > One to define the goal state. > One to define the operators. > One to describe the universal problem solver. > One to hack the production system. > One to indicate about how it is a model of human lightbulb changing > behaviour. > The logical formalism group (16): > One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in first order logic > . > One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in second order logi > c. > One to show the adequacy of FOL. > One to show the inadequacy of FOL. > One to show that lightbulb logic is non-monotonic. > One to show that it isn't non-monotonic. > One to show how non-monotonic logic is incorporated in FOL. > One to determine the bindings for the variables. > One to show the completeness of the solution. > One to show the consistency of the solution. > One to show that the two just above are incoherent. > One to hack a theorem prover for lightbulb resolution. > One to suggest a parallel theory of lightbulb logic theorem proving. > One to show that the parallel theory isn't complete. ...ad infinitum > (or absurdum, as you will). ... > One to indicate how it is a description of human lightbulb changing > behaviour. > One to call the electrician. > The robotics group (10): > One to build a vision system to recognize the dead bulb. > One to build a vision system to locate a new bulb. > One to figure out how to grasp the lightbulb without breaking it. > One to figure out how to make a universal joint that will permit the > hand to rotate 360+ degrees. > One to figure out how to make the universal joint go the other way. > One to figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to the socket. > One to organize the construction teams. > One to hack the planning system. > One to get Westinghouse to sponsor the research. > One to indicate about how the robot mimics human motor behaviour in > lightbulb changing. > The knowledge engineering group (6): > One to study electricians' changing lightbulbs. > One to arrange for the purchase of the lisp machines. > One to assure the customer that this is a hard problem and that great > accomplishments in theory will come from his support of this effort. > (The same one can arrange for the fleecing.) > One to study related research. > One to indicate about how it is a description of human lightbulb > changing behaviour. > One to call the lisp hackers. > The Lisp hackers (13): > One to bring up the chaos net. > One to adjust the microcode to properly reflect the group's political > beliefs. > One to fix the compiler. > One to make incompatible changes to the primitives. > One to provide the Coke. > One to rehack the Lisp editor/debugger. > One to rehack the window package. > Another to fix the compiler. > One to convert code to the non-upward compatible Lisp dialect. > Another to rehack the window package properly. > One to flame on BUG-LISPM. > Another to fix the microcode. > One to write the fifteen lines of code required to change the lightbulb. > The Psychological group (5): > One to build an apparatus which will time lightbulb changing performance. > One to gather and run subjects. > One to mathematically model the behaviour. > One to call the expert systems group. > One to adjust the resulting system, so that it drops the right number > of bulbs. > > And now for another monster that I sort of screendumped from rec.humor : - > > Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a > timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following > agreement: > > Whereas the party of the first part, also known as " The Lawyer " , and the party > of the second part, also known as " The Light Bulb " , do hereby and forthwith > agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall > be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform > previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise > illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entr > y > way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by > the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of > the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the > aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal > transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: > 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at > his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of > elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the part > y > of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said > direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of th > e > second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part > (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) t > o > maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) > , > notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part > (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. > The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural > failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the > aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part > (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this > agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil > (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) > throughout. > 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) > becomes separated from the party of the third part ( " Receptacle " ), the party o > f > the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the > second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, > local and federal statutes. > 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first > part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of > the fourth part( " New Light Bulb " ). This installation shall occur in a manner > consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this > selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a > clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable. > > NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party > of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his > heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the > objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity o > f > the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress > and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as " The Firm " . > > And now for yet another monster someone sat down one day and worked out... > > How many DEC employees does it take to change a light bulb? > 92 - As follows: > > 2 People - Preliminary discussion of concept change. > 1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture. > 2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events. > 2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in > addition to the electric utility). > 1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, > AC/DC). > 4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change. > 15 People - Change bulb. > 5 People - Perform bulb functional test. > 2 People - Perform bulb load test. > 3 People - Perform bulb regression test. > 1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis. > 1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis. > 1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility). > 1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission. > 1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when > we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?) > BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)! > 5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) > compatibility/architecture study. > 3 People - Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows > function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, > flashing, flood/spot). > 3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already > (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket > (bulb-in-one). > 5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary > alternative bulb socket. > 10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split > (control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation - > screw-in torque, recovery strategies). > 1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance > group. > 1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center). > 1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system. > 10 People - Answer customer BPRs. > 11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 4, 2004 Report Share Posted November 4, 2004 That guy who compiled that list clearly has nothing better to do or maybe it's his hobby, who's to say. Glad you liked them. Carol > > > Carol, > I got a good chuckle out of the macro lightbulb joke, it's really > hilarious. I totally get it. > Thanks for sharing. > Reggie > > > > > > As I was surfing the net for some information I ran across this: > > > > Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and > one to ask > > Michio Kushi for instructions. > > > > Because we all need a littler laughter in our lives, here's the > full > > list. (Honestly I don't get some of these, but whatever, the ones > I do > > get make me smile) > > > > Definitive Collection of Lightbulb Jokes So Far Known > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > ------------------------------- > > Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. > > > > Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding > > committee to learn more about how it's done. > > > > Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for > it. > > > > Q: How many Majors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame > > the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the > > original bulb in place 17 years ago. > > > > Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: None. The invisible hand does it. > > A: None. " There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the > conditions for > > illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing > confidence in the > > lightbulb lighting up again. " > > > > Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces > > would have already caused it to happen. > > A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. > > A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb. > > A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would > screw > > itself in. > > > > Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. " Well it's not really a question of should we change it > or should > > we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah > blah waffle) " > > > > Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the > social, > > economic, and ethnic communities. > > A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee > from jerking. > > A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already > part of > > the environment. > > > > Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the > previous bulb. > > > > Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business. > > A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to > sit in > > the dark. > > > > Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: None, they all just quit and go home! > > > > Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a > > light bulb in the White House? > > A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White > House. > > > > Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in > light bulbs, > > so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we > > need a Constitutional ammendment. > > A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he > can handle > > screwing one extra lightbulb. > > > > Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Less and less all the time. > > > > Q: How many believable, competent, " just right for the job " > presidential > > candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it? > > > > Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a > light bulb? > > A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the > bulb is > > actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other > candidates > > can't even spell " lightbulbe " , eighteen to find out what the > other > > candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two > hundred to find > > out what the other candidate's families think about > lightbulbs, bulbs, > > pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy. > > > > Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it > take to > > screw in a lightbulb ? > > A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has > > made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light > bulbs, as we > > have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for > the Dept. > > of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your > home or > > business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few > months notice. > > A: (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light > > bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is > to remove > > the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up > with me and > > help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else > does] Hah! > > What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo. > > A: ( Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is > changed or not; it > > only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan > and South > > Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light > bulbs; we'll see > > how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in > here. > > A: ( Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious > > attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. ly, > I resent > > it, and the American people resent it. > > A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are > putting forth > > solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super > Tuesday. At > > least I hope not. > > A: ( Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing > > my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what > Simon's > > all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm > foolish for > > this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way > I did in > > the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it. > > A: ( ) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution > > at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. > But even > > the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is > that the > > American Indians of today don't have enough solver, or gold, > or even > > paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or > some extra > > light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their > homes, > > from the lighthouse to the White House. > > > > Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier. > > A: None, they only screw the poor > > > > Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it > take to > > change a lightbulb ? > > A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't > > have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it. > > A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the > servants have > > always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the > power of > > the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that > never need > > changing. > > A: (on) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this > light bulb! > > A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about > light bulbs? Let > > those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble > over chair > > in the dark]. > > A: (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier! > > A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that > question. > > I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping > this thing > > alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light bulb > jokes. > > > > Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb. > > > > Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > > A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses. > > > > Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it > take to > > screw in a light bulb? > > A: 15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say > that someone > > hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an > intense > > examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered > with and i > > t > > proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist > that the > > bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk > across the > > room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb > in, and one > > to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists. > > > > Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light > bulb? > > A: None, they like to keep him in the dark. > > > > Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: What light bulb? > > Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory. > > A: Just one - . > > Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on and her apparent > de facto > > ascent to power in 1987 > > > > Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify > the denial > > ( " The bulb is really just dim " ), one to blame the bulb burning > out on the > > administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on > Congress, one > > to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs > from burnin > > g > > out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to > borrow money fro > > m > > the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to > lobby his ol > > d > > colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one > to cash the > > cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the > bill to the > > next generation. > > > > Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light > bulbs. > > A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold. > > > > Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: That's a military secret. > > > > Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take > to change a > > light bulb? > > A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the > means of > > production! > > > > Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a > light bulb? > > A: Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the > cartons of > > inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't > defective. > > > > Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic joke. > > > > Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being > done while > > the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. > > A: Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill > out the > > Environmental Impact Statement. > > A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor > > to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve > clerks to file th > > e > > requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition > > to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the > bulb, > > a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order > > a receiving clerk to receive the bulb.... > > A: Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity > to be > > shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards > are > > maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and > federal > > regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill > out the > > paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water > faucet. > > A: Two - one to screw it in and one to screw it up. > > A: None, we contract out for things like that. > > > > Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder. > > > > Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why > lightbulbs > > burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do > to > > enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder. > > > > Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb > design > > change request form. > > > > Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb? > > A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. > > > > Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! > > > > Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. > > > > Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb! > > > > Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that > believes > > in violent revolution. Attributed to '83, a > student activist > > at Harvard. > > > > (And in a similar vein...) > > Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > (Cue typical sarcastic angry ei Sayle voice) > > A: It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!! > > > > Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: All of them. > > (Notes : An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do > for theirself. > > ) > > Perhaps it would help to say, " All of them. Or, none of them. Or > several. " > > (BTW, I prefer " theirself " to any other construction.) > > > > Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. > > A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old > > one has burnt out. > > > > Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light > bulb? > > A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild > > civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. > > A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel. > > > > Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light > bulb? > > A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there. > > > > Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war. > > > > Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. > > > > Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on > strike! > > > > Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga > Times for > > publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one > to say the > > Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to > break into the > > house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest > the abortion > > of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and > spaghetti dinner at > > Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints > R.C. Church > > to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a > new pair of > > bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from > Chiavettas > > Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo > gambling tent, > > fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis > Appliances to buy th > > e > > light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the ry as the > bulb is bein > > g > > screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it. > > > > Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss > > secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's > union shop > > steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms > nephew's > > best friend did it real cheap for me once. > > > > Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a > lightbulb? > > A: One, but don't expect results. > > > > (They're supposed to be useless...(but we're Europeans, so none of > that!)) > > > > Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a > light bulb? > > A: None, they like Danzig in the dark. > > > > Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the > witness. > > > > Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a > lightbulb? > > A: Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, > one to drive > > the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack > pipe while > > he does it. > > > > Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb. > > > > Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club > the other > > skater on the knee. > > > > Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32....... > > > > Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW? > > A: JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH? > > > > Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's > hotel room. > > > > Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's > done > > everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better. > > > > Q: How many Directors does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: What do you think? (Theatre humour) > > > > Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old > > one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles. > > > > Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, > so... > > > > Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take > > to screw in a light bulb? > > A: One, but they're really three. > > > > Q: How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: Five, and you should've seen the lightbulb! It must have been > *this* big. > > > > Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old > one is. > > > > Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in > a lightbulb > > ? > > A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb > so > > it'll be architecturally accurate. > > > > Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand > there going " To > > the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, > and take it > > out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to > the right, and > > to the right, and to the right, and to the right... " > > > > Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a > lightbulb? > > A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back > in time and > > met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the > other one's > > shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time > paradox > > occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was > blown out of > > existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though. > > > > Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a > complex > > exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse > transform the > > removed lightbulb. > > > > Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the > bulb. Or > > vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave > the bulb alon > > e > > and change the room. It's all relative. > > > > Q: How many " Changing lightbulbs " -joke writers does it take to > change a > > lightbulb? > > A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't -figured > that out yet. > > > > Q: How many of me does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and > one to > > spend the next 6 months going round telling it to everyone. > > > > Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up. > > > > Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light > bulb? > > A: Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill. > > > > Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Only one, but he'll tell everybody. > > > > Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the > roof. > > > > Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two thirds. > > > > (Notes : Many mutations/birth defects result in people missing > limbs, etc. > > Thus, a mutant is often only " 2/3 of a person " ) > > Or, perhaps it's " Got three hands, only needs two for the job ? " > > > > Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye. > > > > Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from. > > A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, > > and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help > him. > > > > Note: Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings. > > > > Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: One, but he uses a chainsaw. > > > > Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: One - but he has to wait until the light is better. > > > > Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection > > slip to the old bulb. > > > > Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, > without > > checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with > it, one to > > accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere > else to screw i > > t > > in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back > and say it > > was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart. > > A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb > because it's bee > > n > > thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case > conference and > > one to make sure they are all following the correct working > practice. > > > > Q: How many Indiana University " notes " users does it take to > > change a light bulb? > > A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job > > they can get after they graduate. > > A: Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington? > > > > Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a > light bulb? > > A: Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to > change > > the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old > bulb. > > > > Q: How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw > in a > > light bulb? > > A: Change it to what? > > > > Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough. > > > > Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and... > > > > Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the > combination. > > (left a bit, right a bit, left a bit...) > > A: None, bankers don't change light bulbs. > > (Note: Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are full of > > burned-out light bulbs?) > > > > Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether > this > > is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or > daffodil bulbs. > > A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change > > as the older, heavier ones. > > > > Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb? > > A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with > > gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the > light you need > > . > > > > Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for > more bulbs. > > A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one > that fits, an > > d > > the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the > whole socket. > > > > Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: As many as will fit in the El Camino. > > > > (Notes: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that was > popular wit > > h > > Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped as putting a lot of > people into > > their cars when they go low-riding.) > > > > Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport. > > > > Q: How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide > how to solv > > e > > the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't > translate this joke > > into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests > of Native > > Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National > Action > > Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been > > underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to > the Niagara > > Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty > on it on the > > way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on > the whole > > procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case > of Molson for > > everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck. > > > > Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! > We > > have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*. > > > > Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here! > > A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to > screw it in > > . > > > > Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Nine thousand-after all, it's *their* light bulb. > > > > Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping..... > > > > Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore. > > > > Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house > hostage. > > > > Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century. > > > > Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction. > > A: Siz. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it > explodes. > > > > Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light > bulb? > > A: 45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of > Sylvania's > > bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to > think up > > the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to > cut little > > eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 > kilos of > > dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim > responsibility for the > > bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working > lights. > > > > (and in a similar vein...) > > Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to > forcibly > > eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in. > > > > Q: How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it > was > > burnt out in the first place. > > (Notes: Is/was this topical to one particular event, or does > it just > > reflect American frustration with the Arab way of doing things > and the > > peace process in general ?) > > > > Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first. > > > > Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job. > > > > Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when > the whole city > > turns up to watch. (Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.) > > > > Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, > one to > > perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to > liquid > > nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for > technology > > to advance sufficiently to revive it. > > > > Q: How many EEPers does it take to replace a light bulb? > > A: Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of > the effects > > on his/her social development relative to same-age peers who > sat around > > in the dark. > > > > Note: EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of Washington > > > > Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight. > > A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't > work either > > . > > > > Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439- > 0001, > > Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% > of > > the pages state only " This page intentionally left blank " , and > 20% > > of the definitions are of the form " A ...... consists of > sequences > > of non-blank characters separated by blanks " . > > A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how > to do it. > > > > Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're > arguing. Finall > > y > > a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that > is in front > > of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the > participants aside. The > > size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, > although whether > > or not the function is exponential is not known. > > > > Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket. > > A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature. > > > > Q: How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard. > > > > Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for > it. > > > > Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented > light bulb? > > A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it. > > > > Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a > lightbulb? > > A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded. > > A: Two-fifty > > A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around > the world sen > > d > > him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World > Records. > > A: One, who'll do it for food. > > A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass > out, wake up > > three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his > > back, and realize where the light bulb went. > > A: Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same way in > the southern > > hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis Effect (which is actually > pretty > > negligible). > > > > Q: How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a > light bulb? > > A: One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for > the > > old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one > to blame > > the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker to say that > Lyndon > > LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the > > British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would > never > > need to be replaced, Ted to tell everyone they're full > of it, > > and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the > CFR. > > > > Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light > bulb joke? > > A: 622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some > > minor variation of it, believing this to constitute a great > new joke that > > noone else had ever thought of. > > > > Q: How many net.poets does it take to change a light bulb? > > > > swimming > > A: None, fish are through the of my conciousness, > > and edges > > I dark. > > like the > > > > Q: How many USENET users does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d. > > (Note: a nice try, but there's no such group. > alt.fan.lightbulbs is quite > > active, though - BRIAN.) > > > > Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a > lightbulb? > > A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every > once in a > > while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. > Finally she > > selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a > few minutes, > > so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, > which causes > > great discontent among the people who have brought really > bright, > > long-lasting bulbs. > > > > Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to > come running in > > with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and > leave the > > old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, > another one to com > > e > > in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and > start the > > whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that > this doesn't > > actually add up to 100. > > A: Thirteen. One to change it, one to post in saying " I got it " , > one to post > > in saying " Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays " , one to > post in sayin > > g > > he missed the original lightbulb joke and could someone please > post it > > again or email it to him, one to post in quoting everything so > far and the > > words " Me too " , two to turn it into a cascade, one to post in > with " I don' > > t > > get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes ? " , one to post > in after two > > months " What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking > about ? " , one to > > repost it a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to > post " I didn't ge > > t > > it. What's the punchline ? " , one to post " Has anyone got a > list of these ? > > I'm starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb > jokes " , and one > > to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later > prefixed by > > " Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ? " and accompanied by > all of our old > > favourites like " How many programmers...? None that's a > hardware problem. " > > > > Q: How many VEGGIE subscribers does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: 11. One to change it and post a little joke about it to the > list, eight to > > do most of the above, one to post " So what has all this got to > do with > > veg*nism ? " and suggest the discussion be moved to email or > rec.humor.d, > > and one to post " > rec.humor.d What's > that ? " > > > > Q: How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a > lightbulb? > > A: fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat > glistened on her > > perfectly rounded breast... Her brother had gone to the > hardware > > store to get a new lightbulb. Suddenly the door opened and > there he stood, > > silhouetted against the sharp light from the doorway. She > could see the > > bulge in his pants.. " They didn't have any lightbulbs but > wait'll you get > > a load of my hardware " , he said as he started unzipping his > pants... > > > > Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb > joke? > > A: 300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death. > > > > Q: How many Europeans does it take to submit a light bulb joke? > > A: Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns? > > (Notes : This joke was created after the creator saw the movie > 2010.) > > > > Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke? > > A: 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit " How many > programmers does > > it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware > problem. " > > > > Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb > joke? > > A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be > submitted > > to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it > > will have changed detectably since the last transmission > is .2 . > > Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no > > submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been > > submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the > probability > > that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about > > 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke. > > > > A: One. > > Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > > Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: ---- You should have hit " n! " > > > > Note: refers to the way of skipping an article in an electronic > > news reading program. > > > > Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > > A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to > bring > > light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical > government > > plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer > > prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb > > assassin to break the bulb in the first place. > > > > Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so > you can > > decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably > similar > > one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big > one > > come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then > completely > > out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a > completely new > > and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a > rumor that > > that new bulb is shipping with a virus. > > > > Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters > announcing > > that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the > lightbulb. > > > > Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way > > 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the > newspaper > > praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead. > > > > Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for > the Light > > Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, > who ends > > up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the > mayor's > > driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and > a Union > > steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in > lightbulbs. > > > > Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Sod you! That's the electrician's job. > > > > Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub > > with brightly colored machine tools. > > A: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out > the window. > > (An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told > at a party > > or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a > completely > > irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus > of " No, it' > > s > > a fish ! " ) > > > > Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under > him. > > > > Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. > > > > Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... > > ... and one to change the bulb. > > > > Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to > try and > > sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned > out). > > > > Q: How many rock stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > A: None. Rock stars only screw in jacuzzis. > > > > Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > > A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb > > itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective > > reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out > toward a > > maudlin cosmos of nothingness. > > > > Q: How many s does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. " And that's magic ! " > > > > Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light > bulb > > in San Francisco? > > A: Both of them. > > > > Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to > > screw in a light bulb? > > A: Both of them. > > (Very flexible-use against any group you want to imply is nearly > nonexistent) > > . > > > > Q: How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > Q: Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to > hold his > > greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter. > > > > Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. " It's not a bug, it's a feature. " > > A: Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer > really as > > " None. It's a hardware problem. " ) > > A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably > fall down. > > A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. > > A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it > in, > > and two to explain why the project was late. > > > > Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs. > > > > Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a > dead light bulb > > ? > > A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark. > > A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a > feature. > > A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc) > > A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software > problem. > > A: None: " We'll fix it in software. " > > > > Q: How long will it take? > > A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs > they've > > brought with them. > > > > Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs? > > A: They replace your fuse box. > > > > Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a > lightbulb? > > A: None, they just keep everyone out of the room. > > > > Q: How many computer security experts does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: " That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If > it's a C2 > > bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must > document the > > potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit > the covert > > channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not > allowed. [se > > e > > also the " Orange Book " ] > > > > Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: None. We don't fix the problems, we just find them. > > > > Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. > > A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path. > > > > Q: How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him " 2> " he'll mash both > the live and > > dead bulbs into the same socket at once. > > > > Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: Read the man page! > > > > Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a > light bulb? > > A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT & T on > payment > > of license fee (binary only). > > A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it > usually > > drops it, and the others call for a planning session. > > A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of > one > > of their subordinates to actually change it. > > > > Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and > tell you that > > the only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but > you can use > > any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC. > > > > Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: None: " We'll document it in the manual. " > > > > Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... > > A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... > > > > [Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP > > programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. > > (cf computer dictionary entry: RECURSION - see recursion) > > These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard > answer is as > > in the punchline. IT COULD BE IMPROVED: > > A: (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find > (out))... ] > > > > Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: None. There's a primitive for that. > > (Notes : I don't do APL but I think a primitive is a procedure > that is include > > d > > as a part of the language. You don't have to write code ( " hack " ) > to do it.) > > > > Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Three: > > One to write the light bulb removal program, > > one to write the light bulb insertion program, and > > one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure > > nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same > time. > > > > Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: None: " The user can work it out. " > > A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how > to do it. > > A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user. > > > > Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: " Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it > seems to be > > working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact > problem ?... " > > > > Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a > lightbulb? > > A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the > electrician > > before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on. > > > > Q: How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses > first. > > > > Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the > motherboard. > > A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to > insert > > the new one. > > A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for > changing th > > e > > bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes > on the " look > > and feel " of the bulb changing method. > > A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon. > > > > Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > A: Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for > it to get in. > > A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light > bulb. > > > > Q: How many insects does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > A: Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take? > > (Notes : Refers to the previous answer.) > > > > Q: How many medflies does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > A: None: they do it in the fruit. > > > > (Notes : Medflies are very small flies (drosophila, I think) who > eat, > > mate and lay their eggs in ripe fruit.) > > > > Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > A: None. They screw in hotel rooms. > > > > Q: How many of Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light > bulbs. > > > > Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, > and > > four to go! > > > > Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three: One to turn it up the day before when you're out, one > to change > > the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb. > > > > Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured. > > A: None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb > per > > family to save electricity. > > > > Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions. > > > > Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a > dark alley and > > brag about it in the pub afterwards. > > A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer. > > A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, > and one > > to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the > sheep's needs. > > A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to > buy the > > bulb and screw it in. > > > > Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb? > > A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a _long_ story > about it... > > > > Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light > bulb? > > A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one. > > > > Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light > bulb? > > A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't > know how. > > > > Q: How many Blue presenters does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an > attractive > > Christmas tree decoration. > > A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky > back plastic. > > > > Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, > of whom > > person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and > person 2 > > starts to do the changing, and the 2 " Mystery Chefs " to > interrupt and > > tell us he's doing it all wrong. > > > > Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes. > > > > Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? > > A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. > > A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and > seventeen > > in on the guest list. > > > > Tourist: > > Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a > lightbulb ? > > Welsh Choir: > > No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in moving harmony... > > > > Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other > > how they could have done it better. > > > > Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: None. If they sing loud enough they'll break it. > > > > Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: None - " Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on > my vocal > > chords. Have the bassist do it. " > > > > Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the > old one was. > > > > Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb? > > A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop > everything > > to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to > a dance > > they want to do. > > > > Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times. > > > > Q: How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and > give it > > to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb > while the > > dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract > the > > remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb. > > > > Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going " Huh ! > I could've > > done that ! " > > > > Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who > are > > trying to elbow him out of the spotlight. > > A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand. > > > > Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric > light. > > A: None: " I've got a candle that looks just like it. " > > A: Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles- > anything you want. > > A: " Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way > bulb, but i > > f > > you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming > out .... " > > A: Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a > new > > model bulb out which is much better. > > A: Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the > Korg. > > A: Two: One to change the bulb and one to say " Yeah, that sounds > just like it > > . " > > (With apologies for some slight overlapping of the answers > here.) > > > > Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that > they can't > > just be pushed in. > > A: One, but only after asking " Why? " > > A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but > only after > > they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). > > > > Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb? > > A: Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is > electrified. > > A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was > the way > > Bill Monroe would have done it. > > > > Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb > there and > > the other to play harp. > > > > Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting > stustustustustustustustustustuck > > > > Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck... > > getting stuck... > > > > Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is > blowin' > > in the wind. > > > > Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored. > > > > Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat. > > > > Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old > one on > > his forehead. > > A: Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first. > > (Notes: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the > first punk > > band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead Kennedys > etc.) > > > > Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just > about to > > put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and > start arguing > > that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets > dropped on the > > floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh > this is and > > so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down > the shops to > > buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on > the way, > > they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is > busily > > trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and > a can of > > special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit > into his > > long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the > way back by > > crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do > at least > > *sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until > someone remember > > s > > what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back > into the > > squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the > group, and who is > > just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway > once inside, th > > e > > lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is > cranked up so th > > e > > dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from > a Levellers > > gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on > something that > > makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last > unsmashed > > lightbulb in its mouth. > > > > Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway. > > > > Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take > > collections in the bulb's name. > > > > Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. > > A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb > being changed > > . > > (Notes: sorority is the female version of brotherhood. And the > joke is tha > > t > > during sorority rush, the sisters all greet their new would-be > pledges by > > standing out on the house steps and singing. You have to have > been an > > American undergraduate to really appreciate that one.) > > > > Q: How many frat (fat will do) guys does it take to screw in a > light bulb? > > A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down > off the keg. > > A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the > room spins. > > (Commentary from an American on the last two : - " Frat " is short > for > > " fraternity. " In college, many undergraduate males join a > fraternity; girls > > join sororities. There are many reasons for this, the most common > being the > > " better " social life associated with the Greek system in general. > (The Greek > > system encompasses both fraternities and sororities.) " Frat guys " > are > > stereotypically viewed as being stupid, sexist, party > animals. " Sorority > > chicks " are seen as materialistic and promiscuous dim-wits. There > are a lot of > > other sterotypes for both. I hope that this clears up any > confusion.) > > > > Q: How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: None, they have council fires instead. > > > > (Commentary from an American : " Native Americans " here doesn't > refer to just > > any native American, it refers to American Indians. No, not people > from India > > who live in America, but the modern descendants of the aboriginal > peoples of > > the American continents. With me so far? A " council fire " is a > social event fo > > r > > these people, or for Boy Scouts, that is modeled after a practice > that may or > > may not have been common among certain tribes of the American > Northeast. As to > > why someone thinks this is a joke, I just don't know.) > > > > Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change. > > A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. > > A: How long have you been having this phantasy ? > > A: How many do *you* think it takes? > > > > Q: How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's > > screwing it in the wrong way. > > > > Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: It depends on what you want them to change it into. > > > > Q: How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to > > revolve around him. > > > > Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two ! > > A: None. " I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job. " > > A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, > repairs it > > with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw > mount to > > bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re- > installs the bulb > > fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction > of the rest > > of the band. > > > > Q: How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it > take to change > > a lightbulb ? > > A: 21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the > Deadhead who > > was only there to look at the light. > > > > Q: How many Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny. > > > > (Explanation : Zappa (being a jazz musician (among other > styles)) > > commented on contemporary jazz: " Jazz is not dead--it just smells > funny. " ) > > > > Q: How many health food freaks does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the > ingredients on > > the new one. > > (But did they change it for health or philosophical reasons ?) > > > > Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and > one to ask > > Michio Kushi for instructions. > > > > Q: How many monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum. > > (with eternal thanks to Cutmore for this timeless > classic.) > > > > Q: How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > (cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...) > > A: None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes out > enjoying > > yourselves..... > > A: Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it behind > her back. > > > > Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to > feel guilty > > about having to call the cleaning lady. > > > > Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a > light bulb? > > A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place. > > > > Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to > eat the > > packaging. > > > > Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home. > > > > Q: How many university students does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something > silly, and one > > to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed. > > > > Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother? > > > > Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail, > > and ten to demonstrate on the streets. > > > > Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a > lightbulb? > > A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report. > > > > Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to > > change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. That's a second year subject. > > > > Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get > it done. > > A: It all depends on the size of the grant. > > A: Two and a professor to take credit. > > A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day. > > A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a > > $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can > tell me > > how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for > answering this > > incredibly vital question. > > > > Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: None, pre-meds don't screw, they study. > > A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder > > out from under him. > > (Notes: The joke is that getting into med school is extremely > competitive. > > ) > > > > Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar. > > > > Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: None. They are far too busy hacking. > > > > Q: How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how > exciting it is. > > > > Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the > homework. > > A: One if at home, but on school time, four. > > A: On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a > > million to pick up the pieces. > > > > Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. > > > > Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. > > > > Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a > lightbulb? > > A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one > to > > bill the government for the house. > > > > Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. That's what research students are for. > > A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the > mathematical > > modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the > paper for > > publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work. > > > > Q: How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round > while he looks > > for a new one. > > > > Q: How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, > they'd > > really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong. > > A: It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw > around with > > other men. > > A: Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves > because > > it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him. > > > > Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > > A: Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to > shriek " Fabulous! " > > A: None, they get screwed in the ass instead. > > A: Hey, don't let's talk about the lightbulb, honey, let's talk > about > > the shade ! > > > > Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Sixty-nine. > > A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much > better it > > is than with a man. > > A: Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it. > > > > Q: How many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. " Who needs lights ? " > > > > Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old > bulb. > > > > Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they > > wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh > > > > Q: How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a > light bulb? > > A: Whatever number turns you on, big boy. > > > > Q: How many women does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: (It's a very simple task, so...) None. " It's a man's job. " > > > > Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: 100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and > agonize about how > > oppressed the socket is. > > A: How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby Congress > to outlaw > > crimes against sockets -- and to say the bulb-changer is not a > > representative of mainstream feminism. > > A: Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock. > > A: 11. 1 to change the lightbulb and 10 to form a support group! > > A: Seven. One to change the lightbulb, three to protest the > offense committed > > by the lightbulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly > wish they were > > the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the lightbulb. > > A: Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing it > before it's a > > third of the way in. > > A: None. It's not the lightbulb that needs changing. > > A: Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to find a > female > > electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works. > > A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it > feels. > > A: Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do violent > things to any > > man who tries to interfere. > > A: Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual > implications. > > A: That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!! > > Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb? > > A': It's " Radcliffe Women " and it's not funny! > > > > (Notes: Radcliffe is the all-women's college near Harvard that > used to be wher > > e > > women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since then it has earned a > reputation fo > > r > > militant feminism as it has remained all-female. The joke is on > feminists' > > supposed failure to laugh along at deprecatory remarks.) > > > > Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. > > > > Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to > do it. > > > > Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first. > > A: One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of > how many > > there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax > jobs. > > A: None. Men don't screw-in lightbulbs; they think they can turn > them on > > just by rubbing up against them. > > > > Q: How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark. > > A: None. They have the girls do it. > > > > Q: How many new men does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby. > > > > Q: How many VMM members does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand around > discussing > > what they all want to do next. > > (Notes : VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where > nobody ever > > puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do > anything.) > > > > Q: How many new-agers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around > going " Hmmm well I > > don't really mind who does it. I mean, I COULD do it, but of > course I > > woudn't want to impose my will upon anyone else... " > > A: Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad > psychic auras.(an > > d > > optionally another dozen to perform the dance of the renewal > of the light. > > ) > > A: Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology. > > A: Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll work > in the future > > . > > > > Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a > light bulb > > ? > > A: 2. One to do it and one to say " Huh ! My four-year old > could've done that! > > " > > > > Q: How many fine artists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good > it looks. > > > > Q: How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 > notices > > that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire > to it, so > > farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 > changes it. > > (Notes: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported > British sheep.) > > > > Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around > solemnly and > > watch the old bulb burn. > > > > Q: How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone > that admits to > > being a racist even if you knew how many you were looking for. > Instead, > > they tend to say things like " Well I'm not a racist, BUT ..... " > > > > Q: How many Beverly hills realtors does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic. > > (Notes : Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate, the joke > referes to the > > many arabs who are moving to high-class neigbourhoods in the > United States.) > > > > Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a > lightbulb? > > A: None, they have a service come in and do that. > > > > Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say " Oh Wow! " > > A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and > discuss > > the environmental impact. > > A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share > the experience > > . > > (I also heard this joke told about new-agers.) > > (This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a > class of > > students during a lecture, in order to make a point about the > fact that > > only one student was doing any work at the terminal while a > whole bunch > > had crowded round to watch - sharing the experience of him > doing the work. > > ) > > > > Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all > those > > Californians trying to share the experience. > > A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the > nuclear > > power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. > > > > Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > > A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. > > A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms > he/she > > is familiar with. > > A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the > > problem to the previous question. > > > > In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician > > can change a light bulb. > > > > If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more > simply > > watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed > the > > light bulb. > > > > Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, > > n mathematicians can change a light bulb. > > > > Bibliography: > > > > [1] Weiner, P., <11485@ucbvax>, " Re: YALBJ " , 1986 > > > > Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the > electrician. > > (Firstly, yuppies nowadays drink expensive imported lagers...) > > (Secondly, this is meant to be told about Sloane Rangers, but > > most people didn't seem to have a clue what that meant so I > changed it.) > > > > Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: None 'o yo' damn business! > > A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. > > A: Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from > muggers. > > A: 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying > to stop it. > > A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other > to > > replace it after the ensuing publicity. > > > > Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to > screw in the > > bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the > step ladder > > steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make > sure that th > > e > > other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. > Two to take a > > coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot > the best way > > of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n > tonics with > > the yuppies. > > > > Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable > right to > > withdraw its labour. > > > > Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: None. " Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If > it wishes to > > be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness > and > > individuality. " > > > > Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept > it. > > > > Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too > fast. > > > > Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the > block. > > > > Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a > lightbulb ? > > A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already. > > > > Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to > screw > > in a light bulb? > > A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black > anyway. > > > > Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what > to do > > with the old one for the next 10,000 years. > > > > Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a > light bulb? > > A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light > bulbs. > > A: None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself. > > > > Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function. > > (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something > that has to be > > done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the > answer being > > infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.) > > > > Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light > bulb? > > A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot > locate the > > new bulb. > > > > Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is. > > > > Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials. > > > > Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. > > > > Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. > > (Notes: Valley Girls is a term used to describe a category of > young female > > s > > from certain parts of California who are noted among other > things for usin > > g > > vast quantities of previously non-existent slang.) > > > > Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! > > > > Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: That depends on whether it has health insurance. > > A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb > > installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. > > A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round > > to the surgery later. > > A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the > mortuary. > > A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo > diazapines. > > > > Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament > transplant. > > > > Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket ? You aren't > using it > > anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later. > > > > Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Only one, but it takes nine visits. > > > > Q: How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting > room. > > > > (From the Daily Mail.) > > Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > ( " funny " version) > > A: Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to > wheel in th > > e > > replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to > do the > > delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post- > mortem. > > (Allegedly true version - believe it if you will.) > > A: Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new > one. > > Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance > department. > > Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it > priority case. > > Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done > individually > > or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's > pigeonhole. > > Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks > up the parts > > needed. He goes to scene of faulty lightbulb. He fits bulb or > discovers he > > cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. > He completes > > work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by > maintenance > > department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to > see task > > completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket > filed. Membe > > r > > of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. > Details go > > into department's workload report. > > > > Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light > bulb? > > A: You can unscrew a light bulb. > > > > Q: How many body builders does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say " Man, you've got huge > muscles ! " > > (Apparently body builders admire each other's muscles.) > > > > Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. > > A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke. > > > > Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb??? > > A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer > > it with the lights off. > > > > Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. > > > > Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. > > > > Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, > one to put th > > e > > new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for > good measure > > . > > > > Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: There is nothing to change. > > > > Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway. > > > > Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ? > > A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over > > whether or not the lightbulb exists. > > > > Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have > > changed it to " light bulb " . > > > > Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: None. They're never in the dark. > > A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway. > > A: None. Atheists never " see the light " anyway do they ? > > > > Q: How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist? > > A: It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway. > > > > (Notes : Many icons and other religious artworks describe christian > > saints and biblical figures glowing with light.) > > > > Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays > out of the way > > . > > A: A tree in a golden forest. > > A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. > > A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen > > answer is Four. One to change the bulb. > > A: None. Zen masters carry their own light. > > > > (Notes : This would probably be funny to someone who knows about > Zen Buddhism. > > Perhaps main the joke is that a Zen master doesn't do anything, he > just IS. Ze > > n > > masters always have those ancient wise sayings for every situation > (2nd > > answer). 3rd and 4th answers refer to the Zen philosophy of life, > on which I'm > > no expert. 5th answer I guess refers to the deep wisdom they claim > to have.) > > > > Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the > light bulb, > > one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any > of those. > > > > Q: How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: One - " If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will " > > > > Q: How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja. > > (Notes: PUJA is a religious ceremony.) > > > > Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and > it > > would be blasphemy to attempt to change it. > > > > Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a > lightbulb? > > A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look > for > > Salman Rushdie in the dark. > > > > Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light. > > > > Q: How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the > tambourine, > > chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words " Hari > Krishna. " > > > > Q: How many Branch ians does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: None, they provide their own illumination. > > A: Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him > to stand on. > > > > Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent. > > A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give > the old > > bulb last rites. > > > > Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Three, but they're really only one. > > > > Q: How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a > light bulb? > > A: None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs. > > > > Q: How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve > refreshments. > > > > Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God > will be > > replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows quite > when. > > > > Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old > one to > > go back on. > > > > Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to > change > > light bulbs too. > > A: One, and thirty natives to see the light. > > > > Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off > > the carpet and the chair he was standing on. > > > > Q: How many police does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh ?) > > (This is evidently a " hunt sabs " joke.) > > (Commentary from an American: I don't get " hunt sabs " . In any > case, I > > still find it funny. The joke is that whenever something in > the US happen > > s > > that requires the continued presence of the police, one > always gets > > dispatched to direct traffic and keep it moving because > everyone always > > slows down and rubbernecks when they see a lot of police > cars.) So we > > could also count another five to stand around going " Show's > over, nothing > > left to see here, folks, move along. " > > > > Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: None. It turned itself in. > > A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him. > > > > Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters. > > > > Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: How many can you afford? > > A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. > > A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing > up > > and shouting " Objection ! " > > A: None, lawyers only screw us. > > A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone > to > > really screw a bulb... > > A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently > supplying power, > > or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb > burn out > > in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the > house, > > and one to sue the bulb manufacturers. > > (another huge answer is at the bottom of this file.) > > > > Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it > > at all if it worked all right for him last time. > > > > Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > A: Four. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the > legs out > > from under him, and one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to > his mate, > > who then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room. > > > > Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to > change > > a light bulb? > > A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! > > A: Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. > > (or the Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support > for it) > > > > (Notes : The Heisman is a trophy awarded to the suposed best > overall college > > football player each season by the NY Athletic Club. Barry Switzer > was formerl > > y > > the University of Oklahoma football coach, one of the winningest > ever. The jok > > e > > relates to the fact that the school's publicity department has as > much, if not > > more, to do with getting the Heisman than the player's actual > ability.) > > (Commentary from another American ! Not exactly...OU has had a few > Heisman > > trophy winners, but only one of them when Switzer was head coach > (thus the > > joke's really not that funny). Now if you changed it to Woody > , former > > head coach at coach at Ohio State, or Bo Schembechler, former > Michigan head > > coach, it might be more humorous.) > > > > Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light > bulb? > > A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble. > > > > Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to > change > > a lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of > the ice > > bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb > screwing. > > > > Q: How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up. > > (also Buffalo Bills) > > > > (Commentary from an American: Oh, please <groan> :-). I live in > Buffalo, so > > it's a slightly sore subject. This relates to recent Super Bowls. > The Broncos > > have been to four Super Bowls, and lost three by huge margins- > " blowouts " . > > Likewise the Bills, the pride and joy of our city, have lost the > last three > > straight, the last two by overwhelming margins.) > > 31/01/94 And another one too, by 30-13 !!! . > > > > Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light > bulb? > > A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment > about how > > much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo. > > > > Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb? > > A: Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to > screw it in. > > > > Q: How many Canadian sex murderers does it take to screw in a > lightbulb? > > A: [punchline forbidden on Canadian newsservers by publication > ban; e-mail > > list maintainer] > > > > Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, > try and jump > > onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it > rolls out of > > the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new > one in round > > and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and > white > > stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to > protest about > > something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb > changers. > > > > Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. > > Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. > > > > Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two, one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when > the > > screwing began. > > A: Nine-four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up > pictures > > of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person > with the > > new bulb to let the room stay dark. > > > > Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist > before > > it was lit up. > > > > Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb > changed? > > A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is > incomplete > > pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued > next week. > > Meanwhile... > > > > Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: None; assholes never see the light anyway. > > > > Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? " > > A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. > > A: Only one. " Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with > > your finger while I go get a new bulb? " > > > > Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. > > (Note: This joke is about an American ad for light > beer=reduced calories.) > > > > Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: What?! And ruin my nails??? > > A: Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building > superintendant. > > A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. > > (Notes: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a Tab = a can of Tab > the drink.) > > > > Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her > > friends about it. > > > > Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? > > A: None-just assume it's changed. > > > > Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. > > > > Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to > reach the bul > > b. > > Notes: Ugh! > > > > Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? > > A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up. > > > > Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? > > A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to > guard him . > > > > Q: " How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? " > > A: " 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct > > the ship out of disgrace. " > > (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a > fight. They > > consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for > a LBJ.) > > > > The next three jokes were taken from the " Official Klingon Joke > Book " . > > > > Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb? > > A: None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark. > > (Oops I'm slipping, this is the same answer as for real men..) > > > > Q: What do they do with the dead bulb? > > A: Execute it for failure. > > > > Q: What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb? > > A: Execute him for cowardice. > > > > Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: " Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000 " > > > > Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb? > > A: None, they just assimilate the bulb. > > > > (Notes : Yup, you find them in Star Trek too. They are those part > machine part > > humanoid looking creatures that go around conquering worlds and > assimilating > > all those poor people into their collective and turning them into > Borgs.) > > > > Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > A: Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building. > > A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them. > > > > Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light > bulb? > > A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. > > > > Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. > > A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say " I > wish I > > was up there ! " > > > > Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to > > give it a surprising twist at the end. > > > > Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? > > A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick > the switch. > > > > Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you > > to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. > > > > Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say " Sock it to Me. " > > (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from " Laugh > In. " ) > > > > Q: How many people in Twin Peaks does it take to change a > lightbulb ? > > A: Two... > > [Message clipped] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 4, 2004 Report Share Posted November 4, 2004 Carol that joke came in handy as a friend called and I told it to him and he laughed, he needed a good laugh, his mom just passed away on Tues. Yes, that joke was funny but man that dude has time on his hands. When I saw the complete list I was like " enough already!!!!!!! " Reggie > > > > > > > As I was surfing the net for some information I ran across this: > > > > > > Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and > > one to ask > > > Michio Kushi for instructions. > > > > > > Because we all need a littler laughter in our lives, here's the > > full > > > list. (Honestly I don't get some of these, but whatever, the ones > > I do > > > get make me smile) > > > > > > Definitive Collection of Lightbulb Jokes So Far Known > > > --------------------------------------------------------------- ---- > > ------------------------------- > > > Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. > > > > > > Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact- finding > > > committee to learn more about how it's done. > > > > > > Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for > > it. > > > > > > Q: How many Majors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame > > > the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the > > > original bulb in place 17 years ago. > > > > > > Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: None. The invisible hand does it. > > > A: None. " There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the > > conditions for > > > illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing > > confidence in the > > > lightbulb lighting up again. " > > > > > > Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces > > > would have already caused it to happen. > > > A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. > > > A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb. > > > A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would > > screw > > > itself in. > > > > > > Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. " Well it's not really a question of should we change it > > or should > > > we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah > > blah waffle) " > > > > > > Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the > > social, > > > economic, and ethnic communities. > > > A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee > > from jerking. > > > A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already > > part of > > > the environment. > > > > > > Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the > > previous bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business. > > > A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to > > sit in > > > the dark. > > > > > > Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: None, they all just quit and go home! > > > > > > Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a > > > light bulb in the White House? > > > A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White > > House. > > > > > > Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in > > light bulbs, > > > so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we > > > need a Constitutional ammendment. > > > A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he > > can handle > > > screwing one extra lightbulb. > > > > > > Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Less and less all the time. > > > > > > Q: How many believable, competent, " just right for the job " > > presidential > > > candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it? > > > > > > Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a > > light bulb? > > > A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the > > bulb is > > > actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other > > candidates > > > can't even spell " lightbulbe " , eighteen to find out what the > > other > > > candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two > > hundred to find > > > out what the other candidate's families think about > > lightbulbs, bulbs, > > > pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy. > > > > > > Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it > > take to > > > screw in a lightbulb ? > > > A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has > > > made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light > > bulbs, as we > > > have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for > > the Dept. > > > of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your > > home or > > > business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few > > months notice. > > > A: (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light > > > bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is > > to remove > > > the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up > > with me and > > > help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else > > does] Hah! > > > What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo. > > > A: ( Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is > > changed or not; it > > > only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan > > and South > > > Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light > > bulbs; we'll see > > > how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in > > here. > > > A: ( Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious > > > attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. ly, > > I resent > > > it, and the American people resent it. > > > A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are > > putting forth > > > solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super > > Tuesday. At > > > least I hope not. > > > A: ( Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing > > > my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what > > Simon's > > > all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm > > foolish for > > > this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way > > I did in > > > the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it. > > > A: ( ) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution > > > at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. > > But even > > > the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is > > that the > > > American Indians of today don't have enough solver, or gold, > > or even > > > paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or > > some extra > > > light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their > > homes, > > > from the lighthouse to the White House. > > > > > > Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier. > > > A: None, they only screw the poor > > > > > > Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it > > take to > > > change a lightbulb ? > > > A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't > > > have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it. > > > A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the > > servants have > > > always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the > > power of > > > the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that > > never need > > > changing. > > > A: (on) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this > > light bulb! > > > A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about > > light bulbs? Let > > > those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble > > over chair > > > in the dark]. > > > A: (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier! > > > A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that > > question. > > > I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping > > this thing > > > alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light bulb > > jokes. > > > > > > Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > > > A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses. > > > > > > Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it > > take to > > > screw in a light bulb? > > > A: 15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say > > that someone > > > hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an > > intense > > > examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered > > with and i > > > t > > > proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist > > that the > > > bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk > > across the > > > room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb > > in, and one > > > to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists. > > > > > > Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light > > bulb? > > > A: None, they like to keep him in the dark. > > > > > > Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: What light bulb? > > > Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory. > > > A: Just one - . > > > Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on and her apparent > > de facto > > > ascent to power in 1987 > > > > > > Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify > > the denial > > > ( " The bulb is really just dim " ), one to blame the bulb burning > > out on the > > > administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on > > Congress, one > > > to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs > > from burnin > > > g > > > out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to > > borrow money fro > > > m > > > the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to > > lobby his ol > > > d > > > colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one > > to cash the > > > cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the > > bill to the > > > next generation. > > > > > > Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light > > bulbs. > > > A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold. > > > > > > Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: That's a military secret. > > > > > > Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take > > to change a > > > light bulb? > > > A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the > > means of > > > production! > > > > > > Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a > > light bulb? > > > A: Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the > > cartons of > > > inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't > > defective. > > > > > > Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic joke. > > > > > > Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being > > done while > > > the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. > > > A: Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill > > out the > > > Environmental Impact Statement. > > > A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor > > > to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve > > clerks to file th > > > e > > > requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition > > > to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the > > bulb, > > > a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail- order > > > a receiving clerk to receive the bulb.... > > > A: Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity > > to be > > > shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards > > are > > > maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and > > federal > > > regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill > > out the > > > paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water > > faucet. > > > A: Two - one to screw it in and one to screw it up. > > > A: None, we contract out for things like that. > > > > > > Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder. > > > > > > Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why > > lightbulbs > > > burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do > > to > > > enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder. > > > > > > Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb > > design > > > change request form. > > > > > > Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb? > > > A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. > > > > > > Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! > > > > > > Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. > > > > > > Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb! > > > > > > Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that > > believes > > > in violent revolution. Attributed to '83, a > > student activist > > > at Harvard. > > > > > > (And in a similar vein...) > > > Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > (Cue typical sarcastic angry ei Sayle voice) > > > A: It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!! > > > > > > Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: All of them. > > > (Notes : An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do > > for theirself. > > > ) > > > Perhaps it would help to say, " All of them. Or, none of them. Or > > several. " > > > (BTW, I prefer " theirself " to any other construction.) > > > > > > Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. > > > A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old > > > one has burnt out. > > > > > > Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light > > bulb? > > > A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild > > > civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. > > > A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel. > > > > > > Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light > > bulb? > > > A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there. > > > > > > Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war. > > > > > > Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. > > > > > > Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on > > strike! > > > > > > Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga > > Times for > > > publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one > > to say the > > > Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to > > break into the > > > house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest > > the abortion > > > of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and > > spaghetti dinner at > > > Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints > > R.C. Church > > > to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a > > new pair of > > > bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from > > Chiavettas > > > Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo > > gambling tent, > > > fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis > > Appliances to buy th > > > e > > > light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the ry as the > > bulb is bein > > > g > > > screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it. > > > > > > Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss > > > secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's > > union shop > > > steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms > > nephew's > > > best friend did it real cheap for me once. > > > > > > Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a > > lightbulb? > > > A: One, but don't expect results. > > > > > > (They're supposed to be useless...(but we're Europeans, so none of > > that!)) > > > > > > Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a > > light bulb? > > > A: None, they like Danzig in the dark. > > > > > > Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the > > witness. > > > > > > Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a > > lightbulb? > > > A: Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, > > one to drive > > > the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack > > pipe while > > > he does it. > > > > > > Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club > > the other > > > skater on the knee. > > > > > > Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32....... > > > > > > Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW? > > > A: JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH? > > > > > > Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's > > hotel room. > > > > > > Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's > > done > > > everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better. > > > > > > Q: How many Directors does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: What do you think? (Theatre humour) > > > > > > Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old > > > one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles. > > > > > > Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, > > so... > > > > > > Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take > > > to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: One, but they're really three. > > > > > > Q: How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: Five, and you should've seen the lightbulb! It must have been > > *this* big. > > > > > > Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old > > one is. > > > > > > Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in > > a lightbulb > > > ? > > > A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb > > so > > > it'll be architecturally accurate. > > > > > > Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand > > there going " To > > > the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, > > and take it > > > out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to > > the right, and > > > to the right, and to the right, and to the right... " > > > > > > Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a > > lightbulb? > > > A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back > > in time and > > > met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the > > other one's > > > shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time > > paradox > > > occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was > > blown out of > > > existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though. > > > > > > Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a > > complex > > > exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse > > transform the > > > removed lightbulb. > > > > > > Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the > > bulb. Or > > > vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave > > the bulb alon > > > e > > > and change the room. It's all relative. > > > > > > Q: How many " Changing lightbulbs " -joke writers does it take to > > change a > > > lightbulb? > > > A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't - figured > > that out yet. > > > > > > Q: How many of me does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and > > one to > > > spend the next 6 months going round telling it to everyone. > > > > > > Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up. > > > > > > Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light > > bulb? > > > A: Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill. > > > > > > Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Only one, but he'll tell everybody. > > > > > > Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the > > roof. > > > > > > Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two thirds. > > > > > > (Notes : Many mutations/birth defects result in people missing > > limbs, etc. > > > Thus, a mutant is often only " 2/3 of a person " ) > > > Or, perhaps it's " Got three hands, only needs two for the job ? " > > > > > > Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye. > > > > > > Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from. > > > A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, > > > and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help > > him. > > > > > > Note: Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings. > > > > > > Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: One, but he uses a chainsaw. > > > > > > Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: One - but he has to wait until the light is better. > > > > > > Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection > > > slip to the old bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, > > without > > > checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with > > it, one to > > > accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere > > else to screw i > > > t > > > in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back > > and say it > > > was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart. > > > A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb > > because it's bee > > > n > > > thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case > > conference and > > > one to make sure they are all following the correct working > > practice. > > > > > > Q: How many Indiana University " notes " users does it take to > > > change a light bulb? > > > A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job > > > they can get after they graduate. > > > A: Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington? > > > > > > Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a > > light bulb? > > > A: Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to > > change > > > the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old > > bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw > > in a > > > light bulb? > > > A: Change it to what? > > > > > > Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough. > > > > > > Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and... > > > > > > Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the > > combination. > > > (left a bit, right a bit, left a bit...) > > > A: None, bankers don't change light bulbs. > > > (Note: Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are full of > > > burned-out light bulbs?) > > > > > > Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether > > this > > > is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or > > daffodil bulbs. > > > A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change > > > as the older, heavier ones. > > > > > > Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with > > > gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the > > light you need > > > . > > > > > > Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for > > more bulbs. > > > A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one > > that fits, an > > > d > > > the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the > > whole socket. > > > > > > Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: As many as will fit in the El Camino. > > > > > > (Notes: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that was > > popular wit > > > h > > > Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped as putting a lot of > > people into > > > their cars when they go low-riding.) > > > > > > Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport. > > > > > > Q: How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide > > how to solv > > > e > > > the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't > > translate this joke > > > into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests > > of Native > > > Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National > > Action > > > Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been > > > underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to > > the Niagara > > > Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty > > on it on the > > > way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on > > the whole > > > procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case > > of Molson for > > > everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck. > > > > > > Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! > > We > > > have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*. > > > > > > Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here! > > > A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to > > screw it in > > > . > > > > > > Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Nine thousand-after all, it's *their* light bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping..... > > > > > > Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore. > > > > > > Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house > > hostage. > > > > > > Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century. > > > > > > Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction. > > > A: Siz. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it > > explodes. > > > > > > Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light > > bulb? > > > A: 45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of > > Sylvania's > > > bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to > > think up > > > the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to > > cut little > > > eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 > > kilos of > > > dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim > > responsibility for the > > > bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working > > lights. > > > > > > (and in a similar vein...) > > > Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to > > forcibly > > > eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in. > > > > > > Q: How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it > > was > > > burnt out in the first place. > > > (Notes: Is/was this topical to one particular event, or does > > it just > > > reflect American frustration with the Arab way of doing things > > and the > > > peace process in general ?) > > > > > > Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first. > > > > > > Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job. > > > > > > Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when > > the whole city > > > turns up to watch. (Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.) > > > > > > Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, > > one to > > > perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to > > liquid > > > nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for > > technology > > > to advance sufficiently to revive it. > > > > > > Q: How many EEPers does it take to replace a light bulb? > > > A: Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of > > the effects > > > on his/her social development relative to same-age peers who > > sat around > > > in the dark. > > > > > > Note: EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of Washington > > > > > > Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight. > > > A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't > > work either > > > . > > > > > > Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439- > > 0001, > > > Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% > > of > > > the pages state only " This page intentionally left blank " , and > > 20% > > > of the definitions are of the form " A ...... consists of > > sequences > > > of non-blank characters separated by blanks " . > > > A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how > > to do it. > > > > > > Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're > > arguing. Finall > > > y > > > a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that > > is in front > > > of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the > > participants aside. The > > > size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, > > although whether > > > or not the function is exponential is not known. > > > > > > Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket. > > > A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature. > > > > > > Q: How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard. > > > > > > Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for > > it. > > > > > > Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented > > light bulb? > > > A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it. > > > > > > Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a > > lightbulb? > > > A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded. > > > A: Two-fifty > > > A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around > > the world sen > > > d > > > him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World > > Records. > > > A: One, who'll do it for food. > > > A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass > > out, wake up > > > three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his > > > back, and realize where the light bulb went. > > > A: Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same way in > > the southern > > > hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis Effect (which is actually > > pretty > > > negligible). > > > > > > Q: How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a > > light bulb? > > > A: One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for > > the > > > old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one > > to blame > > > the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker to say that > > Lyndon > > > LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the > > > British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would > > never > > > need to be replaced, Ted to tell everyone they're full > > of it, > > > and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the > > CFR. > > > > > > Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light > > bulb joke? > > > A: 622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some > > > minor variation of it, believing this to constitute a great > > new joke that > > > noone else had ever thought of. > > > > > > Q: How many net.poets does it take to change a light bulb? > > > > > > swimming > > > A: None, fish are through the of my conciousness, > > > and edges > > > I dark. > > > like the > > > > > > Q: How many USENET users does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d. > > > (Note: a nice try, but there's no such group. > > alt.fan.lightbulbs is quite > > > active, though - BRIAN.) > > > > > > Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a > > lightbulb? > > > A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every > > once in a > > > while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. > > Finally she > > > selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a > > few minutes, > > > so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, > > which causes > > > great discontent among the people who have brought really > > bright, > > > long-lasting bulbs. > > > > > > Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to > > come running in > > > with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and > > leave the > > > old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, > > another one to com > > > e > > > in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and > > start the > > > whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that > > this doesn't > > > actually add up to 100. > > > A: Thirteen. One to change it, one to post in saying " I got it " , > > one to post > > > in saying " Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays " , one to > > post in sayin > > > g > > > he missed the original lightbulb joke and could someone please > > post it > > > again or email it to him, one to post in quoting everything so > > far and the > > > words " Me too " , two to turn it into a cascade, one to post in > > with " I don' > > > t > > > get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes ? " , one to post > > in after two > > > months " What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking > > about ? " , one to > > > repost it a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to > > post " I didn't ge > > > t > > > it. What's the punchline ? " , one to post " Has anyone got a > > list of these ? > > > I'm starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb > > jokes " , and one > > > to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later > > prefixed by > > > " Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ? " and accompanied by > > all of our old > > > favourites like " How many programmers...? None that's a > > hardware problem. " > > > > > > Q: How many VEGGIE subscribers does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: 11. One to change it and post a little joke about it to the > > list, eight to > > > do most of the above, one to post " So what has all this got to > > do with > > > veg*nism ? " and suggest the discussion be moved to email or > > rec.humor.d, > > > and one to post " > rec.humor.d What's > > that ? " > > > > > > Q: How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a > > lightbulb? > > > A: fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat > > glistened on her > > > perfectly rounded breast... Her brother had gone to the > > hardware > > > store to get a new lightbulb. Suddenly the door opened and > > there he stood, > > > silhouetted against the sharp light from the doorway. She > > could see the > > > bulge in his pants.. " They didn't have any lightbulbs but > > wait'll you get > > > a load of my hardware " , he said as he started unzipping his > > pants... > > > > > > Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb > > joke? > > > A: 300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death. > > > > > > Q: How many Europeans does it take to submit a light bulb joke? > > > A: Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns? > > > (Notes : This joke was created after the creator saw the movie > > 2010.) > > > > > > Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke? > > > A: 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit " How many > > programmers does > > > it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware > > problem. " > > > > > > Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb > > joke? > > > A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be > > submitted > > > to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it > > > will have changed detectably since the last transmission > > is .2 . > > > Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no > > > submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been > > > submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the > > probability > > > that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about > > > 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke. > > > > > > A: One. > > > Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > > > > Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: ---- You should have hit " n! " > > > > > > Note: refers to the way of skipping an article in an electronic > > > news reading program. > > > > > > Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > > > A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to > > bring > > > light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical > > government > > > plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer > > > prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb > > > assassin to break the bulb in the first place. > > > > > > Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so > > you can > > > decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably > > similar > > > one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big > > one > > > come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then > > completely > > > out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a > > completely new > > > and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a > > rumor that > > > that new bulb is shipping with a virus. > > > > > > Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters > > announcing > > > that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the > > lightbulb. > > > > > > Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way > > > 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the > > newspaper > > > praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead. > > > > > > Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for > > the Light > > > Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, > > who ends > > > up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the > > mayor's > > > driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and > > a Union > > > steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in > > lightbulbs. > > > > > > Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Sod you! That's the electrician's job. > > > > > > Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub > > > with brightly colored machine tools. > > > A: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out > > the window. > > > (An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told > > at a party > > > or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a > > completely > > > irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus > > of " No, it' > > > s > > > a fish ! " ) > > > > > > Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under > > him. > > > > > > Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. > > > > > > Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... > > > ... and one to change the bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to > > try and > > > sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned > > out). > > > > > > Q: How many rock stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. Rock stars only screw in jacuzzis. > > > > > > Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > > > A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb > > > itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective > > > reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out > > toward a > > > maudlin cosmos of nothingness. > > > > > > Q: How many s does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. " And that's magic ! " > > > > > > Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light > > bulb > > > in San Francisco? > > > A: Both of them. > > > > > > Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to > > > screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Both of them. > > > (Very flexible-use against any group you want to imply is nearly > > nonexistent) > > > . > > > > > > Q: How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > Q: Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to > > hold his > > > greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter. > > > > > > Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. " It's not a bug, it's a feature. " > > > A: Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer > > really as > > > " None. It's a hardware problem. " ) > > > A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably > > fall down. > > > A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. > > > A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it > > in, > > > and two to explain why the project was late. > > > > > > Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs. > > > > > > Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a > > dead light bulb > > > ? > > > A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark. > > > A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a > > feature. > > > A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc) > > > A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software > > problem. > > > A: None: " We'll fix it in software. " > > > > > > Q: How long will it take? > > > A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs > > they've > > > brought with them. > > > > > > Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs? > > > A: They replace your fuse box. > > > > > > Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a > > lightbulb? > > > A: None, they just keep everyone out of the room. > > > > > > Q: How many computer security experts does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: " That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If > > it's a C2 > > > bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must > > document the > > > potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit > > the covert > > > channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not > > allowed. [se > > > e > > > also the " Orange Book " ] > > > > > > Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: None. We don't fix the problems, we just find them. > > > > > > Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. > > > A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path. > > > > > > Q: How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him " 2> " he'll mash both > > the live and > > > dead bulbs into the same socket at once. > > > > > > Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: Read the man page! > > > > > > Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a > > light bulb? > > > A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT & T on > > payment > > > of license fee (binary only). > > > A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it > > usually > > > drops it, and the others call for a planning session. > > > A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of > > one > > > of their subordinates to actually change it. > > > > > > Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and > > tell you that > > > the only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but > > you can use > > > any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC. > > > > > > Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: None: " We'll document it in the manual. " > > > > > > Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... > > > A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... > > > > > > [Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP > > > programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. > > > (cf computer dictionary entry: RECURSION - see recursion) > > > These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard > > answer is as > > > in the punchline. IT COULD BE IMPROVED: > > > A: (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find > > (out))... ] > > > > > > Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: None. There's a primitive for that. > > > (Notes : I don't do APL but I think a primitive is a procedure > > that is include > > > d > > > as a part of the language. You don't have to write code ( " hack " ) > > to do it.) > > > > > > Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Three: > > > One to write the light bulb removal program, > > > one to write the light bulb insertion program, and > > > one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure > > > nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same > > time. > > > > > > Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: None: " The user can work it out. " > > > A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how > > to do it. > > > A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user. > > > > > > Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: " Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it > > seems to be > > > working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact > > problem ?... " > > > > > > Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a > > lightbulb? > > > A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the > > electrician > > > before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on. > > > > > > Q: How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses > > first. > > > > > > Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the > > motherboard. > > > A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to > > insert > > > the new one. > > > A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for > > changing th > > > e > > > bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes > > on the " look > > > and feel " of the bulb changing method. > > > A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon. > > > > > > Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > > A: Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for > > it to get in. > > > A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light > > bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many insects does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > > A: Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take? > > > (Notes : Refers to the previous answer.) > > > > > > Q: How many medflies does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > > A: None: they do it in the fruit. > > > > > > (Notes : Medflies are very small flies (drosophila, I think) who > > eat, > > > mate and lay their eggs in ripe fruit.) > > > > > > Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. They screw in hotel rooms. > > > > > > Q: How many of Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light > > bulbs. > > > > > > Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, > > and > > > four to go! > > > > > > Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three: One to turn it up the day before when you're out, one > > to change > > > the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured. > > > A: None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb > > per > > > family to save electricity. > > > > > > Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions. > > > > > > Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a > > dark alley and > > > brag about it in the pub afterwards. > > > A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer. > > > A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, > > and one > > > to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the > > sheep's needs. > > > A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to > > buy the > > > bulb and screw it in. > > > > > > Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a _long_ story > > about it... > > > > > > Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light > > bulb? > > > A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one. > > > > > > Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light > > bulb? > > > A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't > > know how. > > > > > > Q: How many Blue presenters does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an > > attractive > > > Christmas tree decoration. > > > A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky > > back plastic. > > > > > > Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, > > of whom > > > person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and > > person 2 > > > starts to do the changing, and the 2 " Mystery Chefs " to > > interrupt and > > > tell us he's doing it all wrong. > > > > > > Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes. > > > > > > Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? > > > A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. > > > A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and > > seventeen > > > in on the guest list. > > > > > > Tourist: > > > Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > Welsh Choir: > > > No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in moving harmony... > > > > > > Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other > > > how they could have done it better. > > > > > > Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: None. If they sing loud enough they'll break it. > > > > > > Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: None - " Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on > > my vocal > > > chords. Have the bassist do it. " > > > > > > Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the > > old one was. > > > > > > Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb? > > > A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop > > everything > > > to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to > > a dance > > > they want to do. > > > > > > Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times. > > > > > > Q: How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and > > give it > > > to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb > > while the > > > dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract > > the > > > remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going " Huh ! > > I could've > > > done that ! " > > > > > > Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who > > are > > > trying to elbow him out of the spotlight. > > > A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand. > > > > > > Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric > > light. > > > A: None: " I've got a candle that looks just like it. " > > > A: Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles- > > anything you want. > > > A: " Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3- way > > bulb, but i > > > f > > > you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming > > out .... " > > > A: Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a > > new > > > model bulb out which is much better. > > > A: Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the > > Korg. > > > A: Two: One to change the bulb and one to say " Yeah, that sounds > > just like it > > > . " > > > (With apologies for some slight overlapping of the answers > > here.) > > > > > > Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that > > they can't > > > just be pushed in. > > > A: One, but only after asking " Why? " > > > A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but > > only after > > > they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). > > > > > > Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb? > > > A: Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is > > electrified. > > > A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was > > the way > > > Bill Monroe would have done it. > > > > > > Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb > > there and > > > the other to play harp. > > > > > > Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting > > stustustustustustustustustustuck > > > > > > Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck... > > > getting stuck... > > > > > > Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is > > blowin' > > > in the wind. > > > > > > Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored. > > > > > > Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat. > > > > > > Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old > > one on > > > his forehead. > > > A: Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first. > > > (Notes: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the > > first punk > > > band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead Kennedys > > etc.) > > > > > > Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just > > about to > > > put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and > > start arguing > > > that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets > > dropped on the > > > floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh > > this is and > > > so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down > > the shops to > > > buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on > > the way, > > > they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is > > busily > > > trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and > > a can of > > > special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit > > into his > > > long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the > > way back by > > > crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do > > at least > > > *sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until > > someone remember > > > s > > > what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back > > into the > > > squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the > > group, and who is > > > just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway > > once inside, th > > > e > > > lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is > > cranked up so th > > > e > > > dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from > > a Levellers > > > gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on > > something that > > > makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last > > unsmashed > > > lightbulb in its mouth. > > > > > > Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway. > > > > > > Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take > > > collections in the bulb's name. > > > > > > Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. > > > A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb > > being changed > > > . > > > (Notes: sorority is the female version of brotherhood. And the > > joke is tha > > > t > > > during sorority rush, the sisters all greet their new would-be > > pledges by > > > standing out on the house steps and singing. You have to have > > been an > > > American undergraduate to really appreciate that one.) > > > > > > Q: How many frat (fat will do) guys does it take to screw in a > > light bulb? > > > A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down > > off the keg. > > > A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the > > room spins. > > > (Commentary from an American on the last two : - " Frat " is short > > for > > > " fraternity. " In college, many undergraduate males join a > > fraternity; girls > > > join sororities. There are many reasons for this, the most common > > being the > > > " better " social life associated with the Greek system in general. > > (The Greek > > > system encompasses both fraternities and sororities.) " Frat guys " > > are > > > stereotypically viewed as being stupid, sexist, party > > animals. " Sorority > > > chicks " are seen as materialistic and promiscuous dim-wits. There > > are a lot of > > > other sterotypes for both. I hope that this clears up any > > confusion.) > > > > > > Q: How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: None, they have council fires instead. > > > > > > (Commentary from an American : " Native Americans " here doesn't > > refer to just > > > any native American, it refers to American Indians. No, not people > > from India > > > who live in America, but the modern descendants of the aboriginal > > peoples of > > > the American continents. With me so far? A " council fire " is a > > social event fo > > > r > > > these people, or for Boy Scouts, that is modeled after a practice > > that may or > > > may not have been common among certain tribes of the American > > Northeast. As to > > > why someone thinks this is a joke, I just don't know.) > > > > > > Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change. > > > A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. > > > A: How long have you been having this phantasy ? > > > A: How many do *you* think it takes? > > > > > > Q: How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's > > > screwing it in the wrong way. > > > > > > Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: It depends on what you want them to change it into. > > > > > > Q: How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to > > > revolve around him. > > > > > > Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two ! > > > A: None. " I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job. " > > > A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, > > repairs it > > > with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw > > mount to > > > bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re- > > installs the bulb > > > fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction > > of the rest > > > of the band. > > > > > > Q: How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it > > take to change > > > a lightbulb ? > > > A: 21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the > > Deadhead who > > > was only there to look at the light. > > > > > > Q: How many Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny. > > > > > > (Explanation : Zappa (being a jazz musician (among other > > styles)) > > > commented on contemporary jazz: " Jazz is not dead--it just smells > > funny. " ) > > > > > > Q: How many health food freaks does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the > > ingredients on > > > the new one. > > > (But did they change it for health or philosophical reasons ?) > > > > > > Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and > > one to ask > > > Michio Kushi for instructions. > > > > > > Q: How many monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum. > > > (with eternal thanks to Cutmore for this timeless > > classic.) > > > > > > Q: How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > (cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...) > > > A: None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes out > > enjoying > > > yourselves..... > > > A: Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it behind > > her back. > > > > > > Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to > > feel guilty > > > about having to call the cleaning lady. > > > > > > Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a > > light bulb? > > > A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place. > > > > > > Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to > > eat the > > > packaging. > > > > > > Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home. > > > > > > Q: How many university students does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something > > silly, and one > > > to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed. > > > > > > Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother? > > > > > > Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail, > > > and ten to demonstrate on the streets. > > > > > > Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a > > lightbulb? > > > A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report. > > > > > > Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to > > > change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. That's a second year subject. > > > > > > Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get > > it done. > > > A: It all depends on the size of the grant. > > > A: Two and a professor to take credit. > > > A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day. > > > A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a > > > $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can > > tell me > > > how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for > > answering this > > > incredibly vital question. > > > > > > Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: None, pre-meds don't screw, they study. > > > A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder > > > out from under him. > > > (Notes: The joke is that getting into med school is extremely > > competitive. > > > ) > > > > > > Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar. > > > > > > Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: None. They are far too busy hacking. > > > > > > Q: How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how > > exciting it is. > > > > > > Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the > > homework. > > > A: One if at home, but on school time, four. > > > A: On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a > > > million to pick up the pieces. > > > > > > Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. > > > > > > Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. > > > > > > Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a > > lightbulb? > > > A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one > > to > > > bill the government for the house. > > > > > > Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. That's what research students are for. > > > A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the > > mathematical > > > modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the > > paper for > > > publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work. > > > > > > Q: How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round > > while he looks > > > for a new one. > > > > > > Q: How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, > > they'd > > > really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong. > > > A: It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw > > around with > > > other men. > > > A: Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves > > because > > > it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him. > > > > > > Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > > > A: Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to > > shriek " Fabulous! " > > > A: None, they get screwed in the ass instead. > > > A: Hey, don't let's talk about the lightbulb, honey, let's talk > > about > > > the shade ! > > > > > > Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Sixty-nine. > > > A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much > > better it > > > is than with a man. > > > A: Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it. > > > > > > Q: How many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. " Who needs lights ? " > > > > > > Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old > > bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they > > > wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh > > > > > > Q: How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a > > light bulb? > > > A: Whatever number turns you on, big boy. > > > > > > Q: How many women does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: (It's a very simple task, so...) None. " It's a man's job. " > > > > > > Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: 100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and > > agonize about how > > > oppressed the socket is. > > > A: How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby Congress > > to outlaw > > > crimes against sockets -- and to say the bulb-changer is not a > > > representative of mainstream feminism. > > > A: Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock. > > > A: 11. 1 to change the lightbulb and 10 to form a support group! > > > A: Seven. One to change the lightbulb, three to protest the > > offense committed > > > by the lightbulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly > > wish they were > > > the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the lightbulb. > > > A: Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing it > > before it's a > > > third of the way in. > > > A: None. It's not the lightbulb that needs changing. > > > A: Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to find a > > female > > > electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works. > > > A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it > > feels. > > > A: Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do violent > > things to any > > > man who tries to interfere. > > > A: Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual > > implications. > > > A: That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!! > > > Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A': It's " Radcliffe Women " and it's not funny! > > > > > > (Notes: Radcliffe is the all-women's college near Harvard that > > used to be wher > > > e > > > women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since then it has earned a > > reputation fo > > > r > > > militant feminism as it has remained all-female. The joke is on > > feminists' > > > supposed failure to laugh along at deprecatory remarks.) > > > > > > Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. > > > > > > Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to > > do it. > > > > > > Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first. > > > A: One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of > > how many > > > there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax > > jobs. > > > A: None. Men don't screw-in lightbulbs; they think they can turn > > them on > > > just by rubbing up against them. > > > > > > Q: How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark. > > > A: None. They have the girls do it. > > > > > > Q: How many new men does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby. > > > > > > Q: How many VMM members does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand around > > discussing > > > what they all want to do next. > > > (Notes : VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where > > nobody ever > > > puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do > > anything.) > > > > > > Q: How many new-agers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around > > going " Hmmm well I > > > don't really mind who does it. I mean, I COULD do it, but of > > course I > > > woudn't want to impose my will upon anyone else... " > > > A: Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad > > psychic auras.(an > > > d > > > optionally another dozen to perform the dance of the renewal > > of the light. > > > ) > > > A: Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology. > > > A: Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll work > > in the future > > > . > > > > > > Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a > > light bulb > > > ? > > > A: 2. One to do it and one to say " Huh ! My four-year old > > could've done that! > > > " > > > > > > Q: How many fine artists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good > > it looks. > > > > > > Q: How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 > > notices > > > that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire > > to it, so > > > farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 > > changes it. > > > (Notes: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported > > British sheep.) > > > > > > Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around > > solemnly and > > > watch the old bulb burn. > > > > > > Q: How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone > > that admits to > > > being a racist even if you knew how many you were looking for. > > Instead, > > > they tend to say things like " Well I'm not a racist, BUT ..... " > > > > > > Q: How many Beverly hills realtors does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic. > > > (Notes : Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate, the joke > > referes to the > > > many arabs who are moving to high-class neigbourhoods in the > > United States.) > > > > > > Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a > > lightbulb? > > > A: None, they have a service come in and do that. > > > > > > Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say " Oh Wow! " > > > A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and > > discuss > > > the environmental impact. > > > A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share > > the experience > > > . > > > (I also heard this joke told about new-agers.) > > > (This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a > > class of > > > students during a lecture, in order to make a point about the > > fact that > > > only one student was doing any work at the terminal while a > > whole bunch > > > had crowded round to watch - sharing the experience of him > > doing the work. > > > ) > > > > > > Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all > > those > > > Californians trying to share the experience. > > > A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the > > nuclear > > > power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. > > > > > > Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > > > A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. > > > A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms > > he/she > > > is familiar with. > > > A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the > > > problem to the previous question. > > > > > > In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician > > > can change a light bulb. > > > > > > If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more > > simply > > > watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed > > the > > > light bulb. > > > > > > Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, > > > n mathematicians can change a light bulb. > > > > > > Bibliography: > > > > > > [1] Weiner, P., <11485@ucbvax>, " Re: YALBJ " , 1986 > > > > > > Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the > > electrician. > > > (Firstly, yuppies nowadays drink expensive imported lagers...) > > > (Secondly, this is meant to be told about Sloane Rangers, but > > > most people didn't seem to have a clue what that meant so I > > changed it.) > > > > > > Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: None 'o yo' damn business! > > > A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. > > > A: Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from > > muggers. > > > A: 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying > > to stop it. > > > A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other > > to > > > replace it after the ensuing publicity. > > > > > > Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to > > screw in the > > > bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the > > step ladder > > > steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make > > sure that th > > > e > > > other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. > > Two to take a > > > coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot > > the best way > > > of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n > > tonics with > > > the yuppies. > > > > > > Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable > > right to > > > withdraw its labour. > > > > > > Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: None. " Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If > > it wishes to > > > be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness > > and > > > individuality. " > > > > > > Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept > > it. > > > > > > Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too > > fast. > > > > > > Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the > > block. > > > > > > Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already. > > > > > > Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to > > screw > > > in a light bulb? > > > A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black > > anyway. > > > > > > Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what > > to do > > > with the old one for the next 10,000 years. > > > > > > Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a > > light bulb? > > > A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light > > bulbs. > > > A: None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself. > > > > > > Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function. > > > (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something > > that has to be > > > done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the > > answer being > > > infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.) > > > > > > Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light > > bulb? > > > A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot > > locate the > > > new bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is. > > > > > > Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials. > > > > > > Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. > > > > > > Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. > > > (Notes: Valley Girls is a term used to describe a category of > > young female > > > s > > > from certain parts of California who are noted among other > > things for usin > > > g > > > vast quantities of previously non-existent slang.) > > > > > > Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! > > > > > > Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: That depends on whether it has health insurance. > > > A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb > > > installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. > > > A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round > > > to the surgery later. > > > A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the > > mortuary. > > > A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo > > diazapines. > > > > > > Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament > > transplant. > > > > > > Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket ? You aren't > > using it > > > anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later. > > > > > > Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Only one, but it takes nine visits. > > > > > > Q: How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting > > room. > > > > > > (From the Daily Mail.) > > > Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > ( " funny " version) > > > A: Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to > > wheel in th > > > e > > > replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to > > do the > > > delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post- > > mortem. > > > (Allegedly true version - believe it if you will.) > > > A: Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new > > one. > > > Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance > > department. > > > Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it > > priority case. > > > Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done > > individually > > > or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's > > pigeonhole. > > > Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks > > up the parts > > > needed. He goes to scene of faulty lightbulb. He fits bulb or > > discovers he > > > cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. > > He completes > > > work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by > > maintenance > > > department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to > > see task > > > completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket > > filed. Membe > > > r > > > of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. > > Details go > > > into department's workload report. > > > > > > Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light > > bulb? > > > A: You can unscrew a light bulb. > > > > > > Q: How many body builders does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say " Man, you've got huge > > muscles ! " > > > (Apparently body builders admire each other's muscles.) > > > > > > Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. > > > A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke. > > > > > > Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb??? > > > A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer > > > it with the lights off. > > > > > > Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. > > > > > > Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. > > > > > > Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, > > one to put th > > > e > > > new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for > > good measure > > > . > > > > > > Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: There is nothing to change. > > > > > > Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway. > > > > > > Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ? > > > A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over > > > whether or not the lightbulb exists. > > > > > > Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have > > > changed it to " light bulb " . > > > > > > Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: None. They're never in the dark. > > > A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway. > > > A: None. Atheists never " see the light " anyway do they ? > > > > > > Q: How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist? > > > A: It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway. > > > > > > (Notes : Many icons and other religious artworks describe christian > > > saints and biblical figures glowing with light.) > > > > > > Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays > > out of the way > > > . > > > A: A tree in a golden forest. > > > A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. > > > A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen > > > answer is Four. One to change the bulb. > > > A: None. Zen masters carry their own light. > > > > > > (Notes : This would probably be funny to someone who knows about > > Zen Buddhism. > > > Perhaps main the joke is that a Zen master doesn't do anything, he > > just IS. Ze > > > n > > > masters always have those ancient wise sayings for every situation > > (2nd > > > answer). 3rd and 4th answers refer to the Zen philosophy of life, > > on which I'm > > > no expert. 5th answer I guess refers to the deep wisdom they claim > > to have.) > > > > > > Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the > > light bulb, > > > one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any > > of those. > > > > > > Q: How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: One - " If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will " > > > > > > Q: How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja. > > > (Notes: PUJA is a religious ceremony.) > > > > > > Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and > > it > > > would be blasphemy to attempt to change it. > > > > > > Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a > > lightbulb? > > > A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look > > for > > > Salman Rushdie in the dark. > > > > > > Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light. > > > > > > Q: How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the > > tambourine, > > > chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words " Hari > > Krishna. " > > > > > > Q: How many Branch ians does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: None, they provide their own illumination. > > > A: Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him > > to stand on. > > > > > > Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent. > > > A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give > > the old > > > bulb last rites. > > > > > > Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Three, but they're really only one. > > > > > > Q: How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a > > light bulb? > > > A: None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs. > > > > > > Q: How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve > > refreshments. > > > > > > Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God > > will be > > > replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows quite > > when. > > > > > > Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old > > one to > > > go back on. > > > > > > Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to > > change > > > light bulbs too. > > > A: One, and thirty natives to see the light. > > > > > > Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off > > > the carpet and the chair he was standing on. > > > > > > Q: How many police does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh ?) > > > (This is evidently a " hunt sabs " joke.) > > > (Commentary from an American: I don't get " hunt sabs " . In any > > case, I > > > still find it funny. The joke is that whenever something in > > the US happen > > > s > > > that requires the continued presence of the police, one > > always gets > > > dispatched to direct traffic and keep it moving because > > everyone always > > > slows down and rubbernecks when they see a lot of police > > cars.) So we > > > could also count another five to stand around going " Show's > > over, nothing > > > left to see here, folks, move along. " > > > > > > Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: None. It turned itself in. > > > A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him. > > > > > > Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters. > > > > > > Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: How many can you afford? > > > A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. > > > A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing > > up > > > and shouting " Objection ! " > > > A: None, lawyers only screw us. > > > A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone > > to > > > really screw a bulb... > > > A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently > > supplying power, > > > or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb > > burn out > > > in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the > > house, > > > and one to sue the bulb manufacturers. > > > (another huge answer is at the bottom of this file.) > > > > > > Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it > > > at all if it worked all right for him last time. > > > > > > Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > > > A: Four. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the > > legs out > > > from under him, and one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to > > his mate, > > > who then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room. > > > > > > Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to > > change > > > a light bulb? > > > A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! > > > A: Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. > > > (or the Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support > > for it) > > > > > > (Notes : The Heisman is a trophy awarded to the suposed best > > overall college > > > football player each season by the NY Athletic Club. Barry Switzer > > was formerl > > > y > > > the University of Oklahoma football coach, one of the winningest > > ever. The jok > > > e > > > relates to the fact that the school's publicity department has as > > much, if not > > > more, to do with getting the Heisman than the player's actual > > ability.) > > > (Commentary from another American ! Not exactly...OU has had a few > > Heisman > > > trophy winners, but only one of them when Switzer was head coach > > (thus the > > > joke's really not that funny). Now if you changed it to Woody > > , former > > > head coach at coach at Ohio State, or Bo Schembechler, former > > Michigan head > > > coach, it might be more humorous.) > > > > > > Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light > > bulb? > > > A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble. > > > > > > Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to > > change > > > a lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of > > the ice > > > bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb > > screwing. > > > > > > Q: How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up. > > > (also Buffalo Bills) > > > > > > (Commentary from an American: Oh, please <groan> :-). I live in > > Buffalo, so > > > it's a slightly sore subject. This relates to recent Super Bowls. > > The Broncos > > > have been to four Super Bowls, and lost three by huge margins- > > " blowouts " . > > > Likewise the Bills, the pride and joy of our city, have lost the > > last three > > > straight, the last two by overwhelming margins.) > > > 31/01/94 And another one too, by 30-13 !!! . > > > > > > Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light > > bulb? > > > A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment > > about how > > > much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo. > > > > > > Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb? > > > A: Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to > > screw it in. > > > > > > Q: How many Canadian sex murderers does it take to screw in a > > lightbulb? > > > A: [punchline forbidden on Canadian newsservers by publication > > ban; e-mail > > > list maintainer] > > > > > > Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, > > try and jump > > > onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it > > rolls out of > > > the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new > > one in round > > > and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and > > white > > > stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to > > protest about > > > something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb > > changers. > > > > > > Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. > > > Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. > > > > > > Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two, one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when > > the > > > screwing began. > > > A: Nine-four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up > > pictures > > > of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person > > with the > > > new bulb to let the room stay dark. > > > > > > Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist > > before > > > it was lit up. > > > > > > Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb > > changed? > > > A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is > > incomplete > > > pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued > > next week. > > > Meanwhile... > > > > > > Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: None; assholes never see the light anyway. > > > > > > Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? " > > > A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. > > > A: Only one. " Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with > > > your finger while I go get a new bulb? " > > > > > > Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. > > > (Note: This joke is about an American ad for light > > beer=reduced calories.) > > > > > > Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: What?! And ruin my nails??? > > > A: Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building > > superintendant. > > > A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. > > > (Notes: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a Tab = a can of Tab > > the drink.) > > > > > > Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her > > > friends about it. > > > > > > Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? > > > A: None-just assume it's changed. > > > > > > Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. > > > > > > Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to > > reach the bul > > > b. > > > Notes: Ugh! > > > > > > Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? > > > A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up. > > > > > > Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? > > > A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to > > guard him . > > > > > > Q: " How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? " > > > A: " 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self- destruct > > > the ship out of disgrace. " > > > (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a > > fight. They > > > consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for > > a LBJ.) > > > > > > The next three jokes were taken from the " Official Klingon Joke > > Book " . > > > > > > Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb? > > > A: None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark. > > > (Oops I'm slipping, this is the same answer as for real men..) > > > > > > Q: What do they do with the dead bulb? > > > A: Execute it for failure. > > > > > > Q: What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb? > > > A: Execute him for cowardice. > > > > > > Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: " Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000 " > > > > > > Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: None, they just assimilate the bulb. > > > > > > (Notes : Yup, you find them in Star Trek too. They are those part > > machine part > > > humanoid looking creatures that go around conquering worlds and > > assimilating > > > all those poor people into their collective and turning them into > > Borgs.) > > > > > > Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ? > > > A: Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building. > > > A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them. > > > > > > Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light > > bulb? > > > A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. > > > > > > Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. > > > A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say " I > > wish I > > > was up there ! " > > > > > > Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to > > > give it a surprising twist at the end. > > > > > > Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? > > > A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick > > the switch. > > > > > > Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you > > > to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. > > > > > > Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say " Sock it to Me. " > > > (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from " Laugh > > In. " ) > > > > > > Q: How many people in Twin Peaks does it take to change a > > lightbulb ? > > > A: Two... > > > > [Message clipped] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.