Re: Re: Karin

[Guest guest]

You are doing the school, Dwight?

WOW

I wish you all the best

T

p.s I did the school in Belgium last year

-- Re: Karin

Karin,

This means a lot to me--that you find my work helpful and are able to

find yourself in it. I have really been working hard at The Work

lately and trying to do it very thoroughly, with all the

subquestions. Still each day, it seems something stressful comes up,

some crisis and I guess I should be grateful because it calls be back

to the work. I'll post some more work on here sometime tonight.

Anyway, I was going to ask if you're going to the School for the Work

in March.. It's expensive but everyone says it's the most life-

changing wonderful event they've experienced. That would be cool if

you could come. You can sign up on 's webstie and apply for

tuition assistance. That's why I did. I'm so excited about going!

With love,

Dwight

> >

> >

> > In a message dated 1/22/2006 7:59:25 AM Central Standard Time,

> > Loving-what-is writes:

> >

> > To jmknapp74

> >

> >

> > /jmknapp74,

> >

> > I can really related to your anxious feeling about your

girlfriend

> seeming

> > more distant and talking about other guys since she has moved

> away. It's

> > great to work on whatever thoughts come up around this, as you

are

> doing. I

> > think what it really comes down to, though, for most of us is

just

> this belief

> > that we NEED love, approval and appreciation. The more we believe

> that and the

> > MORE WE SEEK LAA, the harder it is to find it. We become needy

and

> that pushes

> > people away. We become manipulative in subtle ways and that

> pushes people

> > away. The only real solution is to unlearn this NEED for LAA.

In

> my

> > experience it helps to just sit with loneliness and anxious

> thoughts about being

> > rejected, etc., and wait and notice how or if the feelings begin

to

> shift. That

> > emptiness that we try so hard to avoid is actually Love, our

true

> nature.

> > That aloneness is a doorway into realizing that you already have

> all the love

> > and support you need within you. Once you realize that, you are

> free. I'm not

> > saying I'm there yet, not by a long shot. But I am getting

closer

> and just

> > being aware of where the anxiety and insecurity and that sense

of

> emptiness

> > comes from can be a big relief and give you hope. Below is some

> pretty

> > extensive work I did on this issue. You might read it through

and

> see if you can find

> > yourself in it. My hope is you might find it helpful.

> >

> > With love,

> > Dwight

> >

> > I need people to accept me.

> >

> > 1. Yes.

> >

> > 2. No. The neediness makes me really anxious.

> >

> > 3. I feel anxious. I fear rejection. I feel lonely. I feel like I

> > don't have enough people in my life who accept me. I feel ashamed

> > when I do something that leads to my being rejected. . I feel the

> > need to impress others to win their acceptance. I see some

people

> as

> > better than others, more worthy of acceptance. I feel

> misunderstood.

> >

> > How does it feel physically?

> > A constant restlessness. Like there's something missing, an

> > emptiness that I need to fill.

> > My stomach aches. I feel hungry. My heart races. My hands shake.

> > My voice quavers.

> >

> > How do I treat others when I believe that thought?

> > I treat them as having this power over how I feel. I try to win

> > their acceptance by being funny, and when I try too hard it

doesn't

> > work. I try to win their acceptance by complimenting them a lot,

> and

> > sometimes it's not totally sincere. I avoid people who I think

> don't

> > accept me, or who wouldn't if I opened up to them. (I don't open

up

> > to my stepfather because when I do he doesn't accept it/me) I

don't

> > talk to them. I don't risk rejection. I tell them I love them. I

> > accuse them of being unsympathetic. I say, " that's great "

> > and " you're right " a lot.

> >

> > What do I do?

> > On the bulletin board I keep posting and hoping people will

respond

> > to me in an accepting way. I feel addicted to getting

acceptance,

> so

> > I keep checking back. I allow people to use me sometimes. I say

> > yes, when I don't really want to do certain things for them. I

give

> > my friend rides and money. I apologize a lot. I feel

nervous

> > and empty inside so I turn to cigarettes. I listen to meditation

> CDs

> > everyday to try to calm myself down. I do whatever I think might

> > soothe me. I avoid other tasks because they're too removed from

my

> > immediate psychological needs. I avoid the tasks that might make

it

> > easier for me to accept myself---exercise, finishing my school

> work,

> > applying for jobs.

> >

> > How do you treat yourself when you believe that thought?

> > I see myself as needy. I don't allow myself enough sleep because

I

> > feel there is so much work I need to do in order to gain people's

> > acceptance. I beat myself up whenever I say or write something

that

> > people react negatively to. I tell myself, " how could you be so

> > stupid? " " I made a complete fool of myself. " " They all think I'm

a

> > moron now. "

> >

> > How have you lived your life because you believed that thought?

> > I quit the religion program I was in at Chicago mainly because I

> felt

> > like no one liked me there. I have avoided taking social risks. I

> > have often felt incredibly nervous and inhibited around people. I

> > have often censored myself. I have tried to tell people what I

> think

> > it is they want to hear. I stopped taking Nardil even though it

> made

> > me feel better, because it made me gain weight and I felt like I

> was

> > losing people's acceptance for being fat. I have felt intense

shame

> > about things I've said and done, wondering about people's

> reactions.

> > When I was in the Writing program I was too scared of people's

> > reactions to be able to write what was true for me or to risk

> making

> > mistakes. I have been extremely perfectionistic, especially about

> > my writing. I take pills to lose weight even when they seem to

make

> > me nervous. I take pills to alleviate the social anxiety I feel,

so

> > that I can make a better impression on people. I have been unable

> > to make friends because I'm too frightened to be myself or to be

> > spontaneous.

> >

> >

> > Where does your mind travel when you attach to that thought?

> > It travels to the past and I replay times when I feel like I've

> said

> > or done things that led to humiliation or rejection, and I feel

> > incredibly ashamed of myself. I think about the letter I wrote

> > Kathleen, and cringe when I remember the words I wrote.. I think

> > about how I angrily judged this couple at the Cleanse, and feel

> > intense shame. I think about how I've forgotten people's names.

My

> > mind travels to the future and I either imagine myself acting

> really

> > nervous around people or else acting confident. And if I have the

> > expectation that I'm going to feel confident and then I'm not, I

> feel

> > terrible. Like at the Cleanse no-talent show-I felt terrible

about

> > myself for being nervous; I was so ashamed that afterward it

seemed

> > like everyone was rejecting me because that was all I could

believe

> > in. I think about the introduction letter I wrote to the Yahoo

> group

> > and feel disgusted with myself for writing such a stupid letter

and

> > for trying to get people's attention.

> >

> >

> > Whose business are you in when you think that thought?

> > Other people's business. Not my own. Some people are going to

> > accept me and some people aren't; that's their business and their

> > right. If I try to manipulate them into liking me, it just makes

> > things worse, and I move further and further away from my self. I

> > become more dishonest. I do what I think will impress others. I

> > constantly worry what they think of me.

> >

> > What are you assuming when you think this thought?

> > I'm assuming that I don't have enough acceptance from people in

my

> > life right now. That if I could just get more acceptance I'd be

> > happier. If I just had more friends, I'd be happier. That

> > loneliness is killing me.

> >

> > When you hold that belief what do you get out of it?

> > I get to think of myself as more sensitive than others. And that

> > means I'm more of an artist, feel things more strongly, etc...

> >

> > A reason to drop the thought? Yes, to free myself from this awful

> > fear and anxiety. So I could be free to act however I wanted to

> > around people, to be spontaneous. So I wouldn't care so much

about

> > what my voice sounded like.

> >

> > A stress-free reason to keep this thought? I worry that if I

don't

> > keep it, I'll become rude and careless. Is that really a stress-

> > free reason? No because I'm worrying about it. Also, so far the

> > thought has not prevented me from being rude and careless on

> > occasion. It has made me more rude and careless, because I have

> > resorted to ridiculous measures of manipulation and I have gotten

> > enraged when I thought people were not accepting me.

> >

> > Who would you be without the thought?

> > I'd be a lot less anxious around people and when I'm alone. I

might

> > not need to take anti-anxiety medication anymore. I wouldn't feel

> > ashamed or angry when people didn't accept me. I'd be more

> > spontaneous. I might allow myself more sleep. I might quit

> > smoking. I wouldn't post to the yahoo board out of a need for

> > acceptance. I would stop trying to manipulate people's reactions

to

> > me. I would stop trying to control how others perceived me. I

> > would be more genuine with people. I wouldn't feel so lonely. It

> > would be easier for me to make friends because I'd be less

> > manipulative and less nervous. I would be in my own business. I

> > wouldn't feel the need to know what other people are thinking

about

> > me, so I would do less mind-reading. I would be in better place

to

> > concentrate on the other person and to listen to them because

I'd

> be

> > less concerned with how I was coming across, less self-conscious.

> > I'd be more focused on liking other people and less focused on

them

> > liking me.

> >

> > TA: I don't need people to accept me.

> > 1. because that belief only makes me miserable.

> > 2. if I can learn to be okay with my own thoughts, then being

alone

> > won't bother me.

> > 3. when I accept myself.

> > 4. because I'm never really alone anyway; we're all connected.

> >

> > TA: I need to accept other people.

> > 1. because that works much better than trying to impress them.

> > 2. because I feel better about myself when I do.

> > 3. because I can help them better when I accept them first.

> > 4. because it hurts not to accept other people.

> >

> > TA: I need to accept myself.

> > 1. to free myself from all this neediness and loneliness.

> > 2. because only then will I no longer need other people's

> acceptance

> > 3. because then I'll be able to see it when people do accept me

> > 4. because that will make it easier for me to accept other people.

> > How? If I can accept my own faults, it will be easier for me to

> > accept faults in others.

> >

> > TA: I need people to reject me.

> > 1. to give me more opportunities to realize I don't need people's

> > acceptance.

> > 2. because that's reality.. People have rejected me and always

> > will.

> > 3. because some people will always reject me no matter what I do.

> > 4. because if they reject me for some reason, it might show me

> things

> > about myself I might want to change.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >