Re: Saying NO

[Guest guest]

Hi Laurie!

Is it true that people should listen? What's the reality?

Is it true that you have to repeat yourself? Is someone holding a gun

to your head? ;o) What does repeating yourself teach others? Does it

teach others to keep asking the same question?

How do you react when you think that thought? Increasingly more

exasperated, frustrated and burned out? How do you treat " them " when

you think the thought that they should listen and they don't? Whom

does your mind attack? How do you treat yourself when you think they

should listen and they don't? Does the thought bring you peace or stress?

I don't know if this will help, but here's what Kt says about

responding with an honest NO:

Honest communication means responding with the yes or no that you

believe in your heart to be true in the moment, regardless of any

story that it may hurt or disappoint another. It's possible to love

without condition, even when your answer is " no. " This exercise is

about realizing that an honest " no " to another person is a " yes " to

you, and ultimately a yes to them.

People ask for many things. The following are examples of how to

practice your honest " no " to these requests, and still hear and

respect that they are asking for what they want. Also notice that

using the word " and " joins, while using the word " but " separates.

Discover the words that are the most caring, natural, and honest for

you, and link it to the " no. " Play with these and see how it feels to

stay within your own integrity.

Examples:

Thank you for asking, and no.

I hear what you are saying, and no.

I understand, and no.

I appreciate what I'm hearing, and no.

I hear you; you could be right, and no.

You're right, and no.

I hear you. I care about you, and no.

I understand and no. What else do you suggest?

Thank you for sharing that with me, and no.

I can see that it works for you, and no.

I want to please you, and no.

I'm quite frightened to say no to you, please support me, and the

answer is no for now.

I'm confused right now, and unitl I get clear, no.

I don't know yet. Please ask me later.

No, and I need your help and support on this.

Thank you, and no.

Thank you for sharing the work Laurie!

Warmly, Sandi

>

> Hi,

> I may need some help here in understanding how to do the work on this

> one. As far as I can tell, I haven't got time to do the work as

> frequently as this is a problem.

>

> When I say no to some people, they don't listen. I have to repeat

> myself to them, not just once but SEVERAL times in several ways. I

> find myself increasingly more exasperated, frustrated and burned out at

> this interruption and lack of respect. It is true that I'm so tired of

> dealing with this issue that I no longer have the desire to be around

> people - especially males.

>

> L-

>

[Guest guest]

Oops! I guess while I was typing up the honest NO exercise, Tami beat

me to it! Great minds come together here! Sorry to be repetative

Laurie. )

Warmly, Sandi

> >

> > Hi,

> > I may need some help here in understanding how to do the work on this

> > one. As far as I can tell, I haven't got time to do the work as

> > frequently as this is a problem.

> >

> > When I say no to some people, they don't listen. I have to repeat

> > myself to them, not just once but SEVERAL times in several ways. I

> > find myself increasingly more exasperated, frustrated and burned

out at

> > this interruption and lack of respect. It is true that I'm so

tired of

> > dealing with this issue that I no longer have the desire to be around

> > people - especially males.

> >

> > L-

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Tamar,

Thank you for sharing with me and taking your time. My answers are below

yours.

Maybe what the problem is that I can't accept the nature of the beast.

Males do persist in what they want. It's not always a bad thing. My

thinking

has to change through clarity - it's the only way I find peace in

understanding. I am seeing that it's not simply that they don't listen to

me, it's that I keep thinking

they eventually will, but they don't. So, I want choices based on what I

know. What I know is this: they don't listen, they don't respect my

boundaries.

Choices: I can yell, hit, cuss, ignore them and walk away. It doesn't feel

good to respond in these ways, but they have been the best workable

solutions to the problem. I'm not sure how to live in my integrity and yet

have peace with the males in my life on this issue. I really don't know

what to think about this problem after trying the nice way each time....a

simple NO. I see the problem being that they are having trouble accepting

my answer. I have no trouble with NO. It's what I want at the moment.

> Hi Laurie

>

> > When I say no to some people, they don't listen.

> Maybe you are the one who should hear it, not they?

I hear it and know it. They are my boundaries - my thoughts, my choices.

> I have to repeat

> > myself to them, not just once but SEVERAL times in several ways.

> You need to repeat it until you could hear it.

Actually, I'm already clear there.

I need to not repeat it because they don't hear it anyway, obviously.

I'm really not sure of an effective way to be heard by them when they are

persistant

and insistant on their way which is to impose on my personal boundary(s).

> > I find myself increasingly more exasperated, frustrated and burned out

at

> > this interruption and lack of respect.

> Who's business are you when you want them to listen?

Better yet, who's business is it when I say no to something I'm not willing

to do?

It's MY business to listen to myself. If another being comes into my realm

and I'm not

willing to participate in it, I say no or walk away if need be. Who's

business is it if I don't want

to participate? MINE. So what in the world would make them persist?

I said no, and no means no. Simple as that. Why do I have to go through

any other gyrations

to make NO be what it is? Like, yelling, screaming, cussing or ignoring

them. Anything less

than that and it leads me back to yelling, screaming, etc. because they get

a brain fart and didn't

hear it. I guess that's what they want from me or they would listen to my

first kind NO.

>

> > It is true that I'm so tired of

> > dealing with this issue that I no longer have the desire to be around

> > people - especially males.

> That is tiring to be in other's business, and it is hopeless too

I wish you would tell them that. That's what I keep saying. No, not my

business, not my

problem, NO.

>

> This is how I see it.

>

> A man wants to get something from me, like a date.

> I am not interested.

> I say: NO.

> He doesn't hear my no

> I act on my NO, living my integrity, and don't date him.

Me too! I don't like repeating myself or

playing excuse games with salesmen. No means no. Pretty simple to me.

So now I've tried making it my business to ignore them completely.

I say nothing and pretend I don't hear them. I've

become indifferent in their prescence. Doesn't make for good marital/family

relationships. At the same time - if that's the only choice it takes to be

energy

efficiently and effective, then that's what I'll do.

>

> If I want him to listen to me, and cooperate with me

> that is only because I want his approval

I only want them to leave me alone and stop when I say stop. This is my

person and

I refused their impositions in my space. I don't want any approval. I don't

knowingly walk

into the lions territory. When I realize I'm in that territory, I leave or

try to stop the attack.

Maybe I'm just not willing to accept the fact that males in my life only

want to hear what they

want to hear and I'm the unlucky winner of surprise Door #1 simply because

I'm a female, a non-

threatening gender of the species.

> I say NO, moreover, I act on my NO

> So I don't care if the other side listen to me or not

I do also, I mean act my NO. Does it work? I wish I could say it does, but

it doesn't most of the

time, at least not the first time nicely.

I am over here simply trying to understand how to make my NO effective.

Others should listen? Nope, cuz they don't. So how does one uphold a

boundary

if others refuse to listen?

Do these others respect my boundaries? No. So why bother

having them or saying " no " for that matter?

If I'm living my integrity, I know what I am willing or not willing to do in

any given moment.

It's not brain-surgery. I just don't have the time to play their incessant,

crazy game, but what

are my choices?

Do you see how I'm stuck here? I'm feeling very exasperated, tired,

burned-out, and out of options

for peaceful relationships. The only time I feel peace is when I'm alone.

I want to work this out

so I can let go of it and stop the increasing frustration and defensiveness

in me. yes, I'm doing the feeling and thinking.

No doubt there, but I still feel no inner understanding and resolution to

stopping others (or males in my life) from imposing

on me AFTER I say NO. I'm pretty sure they have working ears, just not sure

about the brains.

I'm lousy at doing the work alone!

Laurie

[Guest guest]

The School was such an amazing experience, wasn't it Tami? ) I

didn't ask for a hug, but I got 3 anyway! I was walking up the hall at

the Crowne Plaza in L.A. during the October school, and as I looked to

my left, low and behold... she was walking right beside me! I felt

like a kid on Christmas morning! I told her it felt surreal to be side

by side and walking together. She stopped on a dime and wrapped her

arms around me. I don't idolize her, but I do love, admire and respect

her for all that she is and does. The essence of her hugs will last a

life time! ) Thanks for awakening my wonderful memory of her hug!

Warmly, Sandi

> > >

> > > Hi,

> > > I may need some help here in understanding how to do the work on

this

> > > one. As far as I can tell, I haven't got time to do the work as

> > > frequently as this is a problem.

> > >

> > > When I say no to some people, they don't listen. I have to repeat

> > > myself to them, not just once but SEVERAL times in several ways. I

> > > find myself increasingly more exasperated, frustrated and burned

> out at

> > > this interruption and lack of respect. It is true that I'm so

> tired of

> > > dealing with this issue that I no longer have the desire to be

around

> > > people - especially males.

> > >

> > > L-

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Laurie! ) It's wonderful to be sharing the work with you and

thank you. Saying NO is your business and what they hear is their

business. If they aren't evolved in their listening skills yet, that's

their problem unless you make it yours. They're doing the best they

can even if we THINK they aren't! Is it true? LOL It only takes one

person to create peace and you're the one! Is it true that an

explanation is necessary? " No " is " no, " and if we defend our " no " with

explanation, it often opens the door to conflict and people thinking

they can change our minds. It's my experience that too much

explanation can weaken my " no. " They hear my reason/excuse for the

" no " instead of the " no " itself. Does that make any sense? LOL

Warmly, Sandi

> > > >

> > > > Hi,

> > > > I may need some help here in understanding how to do the work

on this

> > > > one. As far as I can tell, I haven't got time to do the work as

> > > > frequently as this is a problem.

> > > >

> > > > When I say no to some people, they don't listen. I have to repeat

> > > > myself to them, not just once but SEVERAL times in several

ways. I

> > > > find myself increasingly more exasperated, frustrated and burned

> > out at

> > > > this interruption and lack of respect. It is true that I'm so

> > tired of

> > > > dealing with this issue that I no longer have the desire to be

around

> > > > people - especially males.

> > > >

> > > > L-

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

LOL... I absolutely DO know what you mean about being hungry in the

streets! I agree that the suffering was huge and it wasn't until the

flight home and since then that I realize how much I gained from the

experience of suffering... especially the knowledge that I am always

in control of it. A thought is benign until I attach the meaning and

the emotion... makes for great and painful stories. What a relief it

is to discover that everything is just a story. Your story, my

story... it makes no difference. What empowerment it is to sit with my

thought and undo it! If the presence of thought creates suffering,

then the absence of thought creates peace. This is my truth.

I'd been doing the work for many years prior to attending the

school... and didn't think I could learn much more! LOL... howz that

for being blinded by my own ego?! LOL. I remember laying in bed at the

end of a very long day at the school, wondering how I would manage to

to complete the remainder of the days. Going home seemed like a good

idea to me! LOL It was hard coming face to face with me. The school

taught me well how to get out of my own way and gave me a taste of

absolute freedom. Now I can hardly wait to go back and do it again as

a student or facilitator.

To steal some of Kt's words: the school left me feeling humility,

without the slightest urge to defend myself. It left me completely

vulnerable. " This is the kind of vulnerability you want to lick off

the pavement, it's so delicious. " ;o)

Thanks for sharing the work with me Tami. I value the opportunity and YOU!

Warmly, Sandi

> > > >

> > > > Hi,

> > > > I may need some help here in understanding how to do the work on

> this

> > > > one. As far as I can tell, I haven't got time to do the work as

> > > > frequently as this is a problem.

> > > >

> > > > When I say no to some people, they don't listen. I have to

repeat

> > > > myself to them, not just once but SEVERAL times in several

ways. I

> > > > find myself increasingly more exasperated, frustrated and burned

> > out at

> > > > this interruption and lack of respect. It is true that I'm so

> > tired of

> > > > dealing with this issue that I no longer have the desire to be

> around

> > > > people - especially males.

> > > >

> > > > L-

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >