Guest guest Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 Dear Tami: Reading your post to brought these thoughts to me: Tami is a loving human being. She loves people so easily, she has such a big heart. and then I thought I am a loving human being. I love people so easily, I have such a big heart. and then, " JOY " . Thanks Sweetie. Love, Steve D. > > > > > > > > Dearest , > > > > I recognice myself in so much of what you write. For example > the > > > > fear of losing the one you love. My greates fear is to lose > Hans. > > > > Not to another woman or that he will leave me, but that he > will > > > die. > > > > And I have just like you asked myself what is the worst that > could > > > > happen if that would come true. And my answer is incredibly > pain > > > > beyond words. Suffering day after day after day. And maybe one > day > > > > it will calm down. And I would never want a relationship with > > > > another man again, because I have already had a relationship > from > > > > heaven, and nothing could be as great as this again. And being > > > alone > > > > doesn´t scare me. Being without Hans scares the shit out of > me. I > > > > have done the Work on this, and it hasn´t undone my stories so > far. > > > > > > > > I also recognice myself in your story when someone who used to > > > love > > > > you and need you no longer does. I had this experience with my > > > > sister not long ago. She was withdrawing herself from me and I > > > > suffered. I missed her. However she came back. And it wasn´t > all > > > my > > > > imagination because she told me that after a fight we had she > had > > > > felt that she had it with me and felt that she was finished > with > > > our > > > > relationship. But then she had realized how much she loved me > and > > > > missed me. And what I realized was that her absence hadn´t > hurt me > > > > in anyway. The only thing that had caused me pain was my > stories > > > > that my sister didn´t love me anymore, and what that ment, > that > > > she > > > > had left me and that I needed her to be happy. Which of cource > all > > > > was lies. She never left me. I left her and myself when I > believed > > > > my stories. > > > > > > > > And about your answer to the 4 question...you probably didn´t > mean > > > > to be funny, but I found this hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! > I > > > > just love your naked humanity!!! > > > > > > > > Love, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 1/21/2006 1:24:23 P.M. Eastern Standard > > > Time, > > > > > jmknapp74@a... writes: > > > > > > > > > > can i see a reason to let it go? *yes...but again, WHAT IF > > > > IT'S TRUE??? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > so, what if it's true. what if what seems to be my worst > > > > nightmare is > > > > > actually true? what's the worst that could happen? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > the worst that could happen is the physical and geographical > > > > distance > > > > > between us ends up being too much to overcome, and our > > > > relationship dies. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i come apart. then all the judgements in my mind > scream > > > and > > > > scream at > > > > > me endlessly. and i believe these judgments. they are > CORE. > > > > all the barely > > > > > concealed fears and hints of my sense of worthlessness > become a > > > > looming, > > > > > suffocating Reality to me. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i suffer. i suffer. i suffer. i am heartbroken and > > > dying > > > > inside, yet > > > > > i live through every moment of it. it will be unbearable > > > > anguish. i won't > > > > > do well. the damage that i already have inside of me will > > > become > > > > even worse. > > > > > more real. more ME. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then, very slowly, over time, i will begin to resurface. i > will > > > > find myself > > > > > still alive and this will be a good thing. what won't be > good > > > is > > > > the fact > > > > > that i will be that much less trusting in others because > once > > > > again, when i > > > > > have opened my heart to someone, that person has rejected > it. > > > i > > > > won't trust. > > > > > i will put another bar to my own cage. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > do you trust now? *not very much. i don't trust Reality > to be > > > > kind to me. > > > > > i am afraid. i am afraid of reality. i am afraid of > losing > > > any > > > > sense of > > > > > being loved. i am afraid of my own self-hating thoughts. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all these thoughts and feelings you have about being > worthless > > > > and unlovable > > > > > to others, are they true? *to me, yes. very true. > especially > > > > when someone > > > > > who once needed me, no longer does and becomes a stranger. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > CYAKIT? *no. i don't think so. i don't know. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > how do you react when you believe that you are worthless to > > > > others? *i > > > > > shrivel up and die. my life looks and feels dull and flat > and > > > > dark...and that's > > > > > on a good day. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > who would you be w/out the belief? *oh please. do you > > > actually > > > > think this > > > > > question can cut through this? this is who i AM! i've > been > > > like > > > > this since > > > > > i can remember. i can't fool myself right now into > > > some " better, > > > > nicer " > > > > > thought process. that is called DENIAL. > > > > > > > > > > okay, i'll play. i'd be free. i'd be one with the > universe. > > > > i'd be pure, > > > > > unconditional love. so happy. so in love with life and > the > > > > absolute fucking > > > > > kindness of Reality. cause Reality is God, and God is > good. > > > and > > > > it would > > > > > just get better and better and better. the happy virus > would > > > > just eat me up > > > > > and i would leave a great big gushing testimonial on > 's > > > > website so other > > > > > people could read it and get all excited about the miracle > of > > > > four questions > > > > > that will change your life completely, yet in all actuality > > > don't > > > > do > > > > > jack-shit. how's that? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > i'm sick of this. i'm sick of being this way. doing this > work > > > > is just > > > > > making me worse. > > > > > > > > > > the " lies " win. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 Daily are you talking to me? And what JOY has to do with me? Only everything... Dahhh! I am loving too, but I don't like talking about myself ;-) T -- Re: death - Tami Dear Tami: Reading your post to brought these thoughts to me: Tami is a loving human being. She loves people so easily, she has such a big heart. and then I thought I am a loving human being. I love people so easily, I have such a big heart. and then, " JOY " . Thanks Sweetie. Love, Steve D. > > > > > > > > Dearest , > > > > I recognice myself in so much of what you write. For example > the > > > > fear of losing the one you love. My greates fear is to lose > Hans. > > > > Not to another woman or that he will leave me, but that he > will > > > die. > > > > And I have just like you asked myself what is the worst that > could > > > > happen if that would come true. And my answer is incredibly > pain > > > > beyond words. Suffering day after day after day. And maybe one > day > > > > it will calm down. And I would never want a relationship with > > > > another man again, because I have already had a relationship > from > > > > heaven, and nothing could be as great as this again. And being > > > alone > > > > doesn´t scare me. Being without Hans scares the shit out of > me. I > > > > have done the Work on this, and it hasn´t undone my stories so > far. > > > > > > > > I also recognice myself in your story when someone who used to > > > love > > > > you and need you no longer does. I had this experience with my > > > > sister not long ago. She was withdrawing herself from me and I > > > > suffered. I missed her. However she came back. And it wasn´t > all > > > my > > > > imagination because she told me that after a fight we had she > had > > > > felt that she had it with me and felt that she was finished > with > > > our > > > > relationship. But then she had realized how much she loved me > and > > > > missed me. And what I realized was that her absence hadn´t > hurt me > > > > in anyway. The only thing that had caused me pain was my > stories > > > > that my sister didn´t love me anymore, and what that ment, > that > > > she > > > > had left me and that I needed her to be happy. Which of cource > all > > > > was lies. She never left me. I left her and myself when I > believed > > > > my stories. > > > > > > > > And about your answer to the 4 question...you probably didn´t > mean > > > > to be funny, but I found this hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! > I > > > > just love your naked humanity!!! > > > > > > > > Love, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 1/21/2006 1:24:23 P.M. Eastern Standard > > > Time, > > > > > jmknapp74@a... writes: > > > > > > > > > > can i see a reason to let it go? *yes..but again, WHAT IF > > > > IT'S TRUE??? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > so, what if it's true. what if what seems to be my worst > > > > nightmare is > > > > > actually true? what's the worst that could happen? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > the worst that could happen is the physical and geographical > > > > distance > > > > > between us ends up being too much to overcome, and our > > > > relationship dies. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i come apart. then all the judgements in my mind > scream > > > and > > > > scream at > > > > > me endlessly. and i believe these judgments. they are > CORE. > > > > all the barely > > > > > concealed fears and hints of my sense of worthlessness > become a > > > > looming, > > > > > suffocating Reality to me. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i suffer. i suffer. i suffer. i am heartbroken and > > > dying > > > > inside, yet > > > > > i live through every moment of it. it will be unbearable > > > > anguish. i won't > > > > > do well. the damage that i already have inside of me will > > > become > > > > even worse. > > > > > more real. more ME. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then, very slowly, over time, i will begin to resurface. i > will > > > > find myself > > > > > still alive and this will be a good thing. what won't be > good > > > is > > > > the fact > > > > > that i will be that much less trusting in others because > once > > > > again, when i > > > > > have opened my heart to someone, that person has rejected > it. > > > i > > > > won't trust. > > > > > i will put another bar to my own cage. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > do you trust now? *not very much. i don't trust Reality > to be > > > > kind to me. > > > > > i am afraid. i am afraid of reality. i am afraid of > losing > > > any > > > > sense of > > > > > being loved. i am afraid of my own self-hating thoughts. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all these thoughts and feelings you have about being > worthless > > > > and unlovable > > > > > to others, are they true? *to me, yes. very true. > especially > > > > when someone > > > > > who once needed me, no longer does and becomes a stranger. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > CYAKIT? *no. i don't think so. i don't know. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > how do you react when you believe that you are worthless to > > > > others? *i > > > > > shrivel up and die. my life looks and feels dull and flat > and > > > > dark...and that's > > > > > on a good day. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > who would you be w/out the belief? *oh please. do you > > > actually > > > > think this > > > > > question can cut through this? this is who i AM! i've > been > > > like > > > > this since > > > > > i can remember. i can't fool myself right now into > > > some " better, > > > > nicer " > > > > > thought process. that is called DENIAL. > > > > > > > > > > okay, i'll play. i'd be free. i'd be one with the > universe. > > > > i'd be pure, > > > > > unconditional love. so happy. so in love with life and > the > > > > absolute fucking > > > > > kindness of Reality. cause Reality is God, and God is > good. > > > and > > > > it would > > > > > just get better and better and better. the happy virus > would > > > > just eat me up > > > > > and i would leave a great big gushing testimonial on > 's > > > > website so other > > > > > people could read it and get all excited about the miracle > of > > > > four questions > > > > > that will change your life completely, yet in all actuality > > > don't > > > > do > > > > > jack-shit. how's that? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > i'm sick of this. i'm sick of being this way. doing this > work > > > > is just > > > > > making me worse. > > > > > > > > > > the " lies " win. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 Dear tami, I thought I was posting in the group. As usual, I have no idea what you mean by what you posted? Of course, that is not my job to understand what you mean, so oh well. Love, sd > > > > > > > > > > Dearest , > > > > > I recognice myself in so much of what you write. For example > > the > > > > > fear of losing the one you love. My greates fear is to lose > > Hans. > > > > > Not to another woman or that he will leave me, but that he > > will > > > > die. > > > > > And I have just like you asked myself what is the worst that > > could > > > > > happen if that would come true. And my answer is incredibly > > pain > > > > > beyond words. Suffering day after day after day. And maybe > one > > day > > > > > it will calm down. And I would never want a relationship with > > > > > another man again, because I have already had a relationship > > from > > > > > heaven, and nothing could be as great as this again. And > being > > > > alone > > > > > doesn´t scare me. Being without Hans scares the shit out of > > me. I > > > > > have done the Work on this, and it hasn´t undone my stories > so > > far. > > > > > > > > > > I also recognice myself in your story when someone who used > to > > > > love > > > > > you and need you no longer does. I had this experience with > my > > > > > sister not long ago. She was withdrawing herself from me and > I > > > > > suffered. I missed her. However she came back. And it wasn´t > > all > > > > my > > > > > imagination because she told me that after a fight we had she > > had > > > > > felt that she had it with me and felt that she was finished > > with > > > > our > > > > > relationship. But then she had realized how much she loved me > > and > > > > > missed me. And what I realized was that her absence hadn´t > > hurt me > > > > > in anyway. The only thing that had caused me pain was my > > stories > > > > > that my sister didn´t love me anymore, and what that ment, > > that > > > > she > > > > > had left me and that I needed her to be happy. Which of > cource > > all > > > > > was lies. She never left me. I left her and myself when I > > believed > > > > > my stories. > > > > > > > > > > And about your answer to the 4 question...you probably didn´t > > mean > > > > > to be funny, but I found this hilarious! Thanks for the > laugh! > > I > > > > > just love your naked humanity!!! > > > > > > > > > > Love, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 1/21/2006 1:24:23 P.M. Eastern Standard > > > > Time, > > > > > > jmknapp74@a... writes: > > > > > > > > > > > > can i see a reason to let it go? *yes..but again, WHAT > IF > > > > > IT'S TRUE??? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > so, what if it's true. what if what seems to be my worst > > > > > nightmare is > > > > > > actually true? what's the worst that could happen? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > the worst that could happen is the physical and > geographical > > > > > distance > > > > > > between us ends up being too much to overcome, and our > > > > > relationship dies. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i come apart. then all the judgements in my mind > > scream > > > > and > > > > > scream at > > > > > > me endlessly. and i believe these judgments. they are > > CORE. > > > > > all the barely > > > > > > concealed fears and hints of my sense of worthlessness > > become a > > > > > looming, > > > > > > suffocating Reality to me. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i suffer. i suffer. i suffer. i am heartbroken and > > > > dying > > > > > inside, yet > > > > > > i live through every moment of it. it will be unbearable > > > > > anguish. i won't > > > > > > do well. the damage that i already have inside of me will > > > > become > > > > > even worse. > > > > > > more real. more ME. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then, very slowly, over time, i will begin to resurface. i > > will > > > > > find myself > > > > > > still alive and this will be a good thing. what won't be > > good > > > > is > > > > > the fact > > > > > > that i will be that much less trusting in others because > > once > > > > > again, when i > > > > > > have opened my heart to someone, that person has rejected > > it. > > > > i > > > > > won't trust. > > > > > > i will put another bar to my own cage. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > do you trust now? *not very much. i don't trust Reality > > to be > > > > > kind to me. > > > > > > i am afraid. i am afraid of reality. i am afraid of > > losing > > > > any > > > > > sense of > > > > > > being loved. i am afraid of my own self-hating thoughts. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all these thoughts and feelings you have about being > > worthless > > > > > and unlovable > > > > > > to others, are they true? *to me, yes. very true. > > especially > > > > > when someone > > > > > > who once needed me, no longer does and becomes a > stranger. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > CYAKIT? *no. i don't think so. i don't know. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > how do you react when you believe that you are worthless to > > > > > others? *i > > > > > > shrivel up and die. my life looks and feels dull and flat > > and > > > > > dark...and that's > > > > > > on a good day. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > who would you be w/out the belief? *oh please. do you > > > > actually > > > > > think this > > > > > > question can cut through this? this is who i AM! i've > > been > > > > like > > > > > this since > > > > > > i can remember. i can't fool myself right now into > > > > some " better, > > > > > nicer " > > > > > > thought process. that is called DENIAL. > > > > > > > > > > > > okay, i'll play. i'd be free. i'd be one with the > > universe. > > > > > i'd be pure, > > > > > > unconditional love. so happy. so in love with life and > > the > > > > > absolute fucking > > > > > > kindness of Reality. cause Reality is God, and God is > > good. > > > > and > > > > > it would > > > > > > just get better and better and better. the happy virus > > would > > > > > just eat me up > > > > > > and i would leave a great big gushing testimonial on > > 's > > > > > website so other > > > > > > people could read it and get all excited about the miracle > > of > > > > > four questions > > > > > > that will change your life completely, yet in all > actuality > > > > don't > > > > > do > > > > > > jack-shit. how's that? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > i'm sick of this. i'm sick of being this way. doing this > > work > > > > > is just > > > > > > making me worse. > > > > > > > > > > > > the " lies " win. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 Daily I love you and I love the person you have become since you met me You are much more honest and mind your own business? You are amazing, and if you forget it I am here to remind you (together with your grandchild - ) T -- Re: death - Tami Dear tami, I thought I was posting in the group. As usual, I have no idea what you mean by what you posted? Of course, that is not my job to understand what you mean, so oh well. Love, sd > > > > > > > > > > Dearest , > > > > > I recognice myself in so much of what you write. For example > > the > > > > > fear of losing the one you love. My greates fear is to lose > > Hans. > > > > > Not to another woman or that he will leave me, but that he > > will > > > > die. > > > > > And I have just like you asked myself what is the worst that > > could > > > > > happen if that would come true. And my answer is incredibly > > pain > > > > > beyond words. Suffering day after day after day. And maybe > one > > day > > > > > it will calm down. And I would never want a relationship with > > > > > another man again, because I have already had a relationship > > from > > > > > heaven, and nothing could be as great as this again. And > being > > > > alone > > > > > doesn´t scare me. Being without Hans scares the shit out of > > me. I > > > > > have done the Work on this, and it hasn´t undone my stories > so > > far. > > > > > > > > > > I also recognice myself in your story when someone who used > to > > > > love > > > > > you and need you no longer does. I had this experience with > my > > > > > sister not long ago. She was withdrawing herself from me and > I > > > > > suffered. I missed her. However she came back. And it wasn´t > > all > > > > my > > > > > imagination because she told me that after a fight we had she > > had > > > > > felt that she had it with me and felt that she was finished > > with > > > > our > > > > > relationship. But then she had realized how much she loved me > > and > > > > > missed me. And what I realized was that her absence hadn´t > > hurt me > > > > > in anyway. The only thing that had caused me pain was my > > stories > > > > > that my sister didn´t love me anymore, and what that ment, > > that > > > > she > > > > > had left me and that I needed her to be happy. Which of > cource > > all > > > > > was lies. She never left me. I left her and myself when I > > believed > > > > > my stories. > > > > > > > > > > And about your answer to the 4 question...you probably didn´t > > mean > > > > > to be funny, but I found this hilarious! Thanks for the > laugh! > > I > > > > > just love your naked humanity!!! > > > > > > > > > > Love, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 1/21/2006 1:24:23 P.M. Eastern Standard > > > > Time, > > > > > > jmknapp74@a... writes: > > > > > > > > > > > > can i see a reason to let it go? *yes..but again, WHAT > IF > > > > > IT'S TRUE??? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > so, what if it's true. what if what seems to be my worst > > > > > nightmare is > > > > > > actually true? what's the worst that could happen? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > the worst that could happen is the physical and > geographical > > > > > distance > > > > > > between us ends up being too much to overcome, and our > > > > > relationship dies. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i come apart. then all the judgements in my mind > > scream > > > > and > > > > > scream at > > > > > > me endlessly. and i believe these judgments. they are > > CORE. > > > > > all the barely > > > > > > concealed fears and hints of my sense of worthlessness > > become a > > > > > looming, > > > > > > suffocating Reality to me. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i suffer. i suffer. i suffer. i am heartbroken and > > > > dying > > > > > inside, yet > > > > > > i live through every moment of it. it will be unbearable > > > > > anguish. i won't > > > > > > do well. the damage that i already have inside of me will > > > > become > > > > > even worse. > > > > > > more real. more ME. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then, very slowly, over time, i will begin to resurface. i > > will > > > > > find myself > > > > > > still alive and this will be a good thing. what won't be > > good > > > > is > > > > > the fact > > > > > > that i will be that much less trusting in others because > > once > > > > > again, when i > > > > > > have opened my heart to someone, that person has rejected > > it. > > > > i > > > > > won't trust. > > > > > > i will put another bar to my own cage. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > do you trust now? *not very much. i don't trust Reality > > to be > > > > > kind to me. > > > > > > i am afraid. i am afraid of reality. i am afraid of > > losing > > > > any > > > > > sense of > > > > > > being loved. i am afraid of my own self-hating thoughts. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all these thoughts and feelings you have about being > > worthless > > > > > and unlovable > > > > > > to others, are they true? *to me, yes. very true. > > especially > > > > > when someone > > > > > > who once needed me, no longer does and becomes a > stranger. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > CYAKIT? *no. i don't think so. i don't know. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > how do you react when you believe that you are worthless to > > > > > others? *i > > > > > > shrivel up and die. my life looks and feels dull and flat > > and > > > > > dark...and that's > > > > > > on a good day. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > who would you be w/out the belief? *oh please. do you > > > > actually > > > > > think this > > > > > > question can cut through this? this is who i AM! i've > > been > > > > like > > > > > this since > > > > > > i can remember. i can't fool myself right now into > > > > some " better, > > > > > nicer " > > > > > > thought process. that is called DENIAL. > > > > > > > > > > > > okay, i'll play. i'd be free. i'd be one with the > > universe. > > > > > i'd be pure, > > > > > > unconditional love. so happy. so in love with life and > > the > > > > > absolute fucking > > > > > > kindness of Reality. cause Reality is God, and God is > > good. > > > > and > > > > > it would > > > > > > just get better and better and better. the happy virus > > would > > > > > just eat me up > > > > > > and i would leave a great big gushing testimonial on > > 's > > > > > website so other > > > > > > people could read it and get all excited about the miracle > > of > > > > > four questions > > > > > > that will change your life completely, yet in all > actuality > > > > don't > > > > > do > > > > > > jack-shit. how's that? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > i'm sick of this. i'm sick of being this way. doing this > > work > > > > > is just > > > > > > making me worse. > > > > > > > > > > > > the " lies " win. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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