Guest guest Posted January 24, 2006 Report Posted January 24, 2006 Dear Tami: Reading your post to brought these thoughts to me: Tami is a loving human being. She loves people so easily, she has such a big heart. and then I thought I am a loving human being. I love people so easily, I have such a big heart. and then, " JOY " . Thanks Sweetie. Love, Steve D. > > > > > > > > Dearest , > > > > I recognice myself in so much of what you write. For example > the > > > > fear of losing the one you love. My greates fear is to lose > Hans. > > > > Not to another woman or that he will leave me, but that he > will > > > die. > > > > And I have just like you asked myself what is the worst that > could > > > > happen if that would come true. And my answer is incredibly > pain > > > > beyond words. Suffering day after day after day. And maybe one > day > > > > it will calm down. And I would never want a relationship with > > > > another man again, because I have already had a relationship > from > > > > heaven, and nothing could be as great as this again. And being > > > alone > > > > doesn´t scare me. Being without Hans scares the shit out of > me. I > > > > have done the Work on this, and it hasn´t undone my stories so > far. > > > > > > > > I also recognice myself in your story when someone who used to > > > love > > > > you and need you no longer does. I had this experience with my > > > > sister not long ago. She was withdrawing herself from me and I > > > > suffered. I missed her. However she came back. And it wasn´t > all > > > my > > > > imagination because she told me that after a fight we had she > had > > > > felt that she had it with me and felt that she was finished > with > > > our > > > > relationship. But then she had realized how much she loved me > and > > > > missed me. And what I realized was that her absence hadn´t > hurt me > > > > in anyway. The only thing that had caused me pain was my > stories > > > > that my sister didn´t love me anymore, and what that ment, > that > > > she > > > > had left me and that I needed her to be happy. Which of cource > all > > > > was lies. She never left me. I left her and myself when I > believed > > > > my stories. > > > > > > > > And about your answer to the 4 question...you probably didn´t > mean > > > > to be funny, but I found this hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! > I > > > > just love your naked humanity!!! > > > > > > > > Love, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 1/21/2006 1:24:23 P.M. Eastern Standard > > > Time, > > > > > jmknapp74@a... writes: > > > > > > > > > > can i see a reason to let it go? *yes...but again, WHAT IF > > > > IT'S TRUE??? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > so, what if it's true. what if what seems to be my worst > > > > nightmare is > > > > > actually true? what's the worst that could happen? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > the worst that could happen is the physical and geographical > > > > distance > > > > > between us ends up being too much to overcome, and our > > > > relationship dies. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i come apart. then all the judgements in my mind > scream > > > and > > > > scream at > > > > > me endlessly. and i believe these judgments. they are > CORE. > > > > all the barely > > > > > concealed fears and hints of my sense of worthlessness > become a > > > > looming, > > > > > suffocating Reality to me. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i suffer. i suffer. i suffer. i am heartbroken and > > > dying > > > > inside, yet > > > > > i live through every moment of it. it will be unbearable > > > > anguish. i won't > > > > > do well. the damage that i already have inside of me will > > > become > > > > even worse. > > > > > more real. more ME. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then, very slowly, over time, i will begin to resurface. i > will > > > > find myself > > > > > still alive and this will be a good thing. what won't be > good > > > is > > > > the fact > > > > > that i will be that much less trusting in others because > once > > > > again, when i > > > > > have opened my heart to someone, that person has rejected > it. > > > i > > > > won't trust. > > > > > i will put another bar to my own cage. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > do you trust now? *not very much. i don't trust Reality > to be > > > > kind to me. > > > > > i am afraid. i am afraid of reality. i am afraid of > losing > > > any > > > > sense of > > > > > being loved. i am afraid of my own self-hating thoughts. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all these thoughts and feelings you have about being > worthless > > > > and unlovable > > > > > to others, are they true? *to me, yes. very true. > especially > > > > when someone > > > > > who once needed me, no longer does and becomes a stranger. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > CYAKIT? *no. i don't think so. i don't know. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > how do you react when you believe that you are worthless to > > > > others? *i > > > > > shrivel up and die. my life looks and feels dull and flat > and > > > > dark...and that's > > > > > on a good day. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > who would you be w/out the belief? *oh please. do you > > > actually > > > > think this > > > > > question can cut through this? this is who i AM! i've > been > > > like > > > > this since > > > > > i can remember. i can't fool myself right now into > > > some " better, > > > > nicer " > > > > > thought process. that is called DENIAL. > > > > > > > > > > okay, i'll play. i'd be free. i'd be one with the > universe. > > > > i'd be pure, > > > > > unconditional love. so happy. so in love with life and > the > > > > absolute fucking > > > > > kindness of Reality. cause Reality is God, and God is > good. > > > and > > > > it would > > > > > just get better and better and better. the happy virus > would > > > > just eat me up > > > > > and i would leave a great big gushing testimonial on > 's > > > > website so other > > > > > people could read it and get all excited about the miracle > of > > > > four questions > > > > > that will change your life completely, yet in all actuality > > > don't > > > > do > > > > > jack-shit. how's that? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > i'm sick of this. i'm sick of being this way. doing this > work > > > > is just > > > > > making me worse. > > > > > > > > > > the " lies " win. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2006 Report Posted January 24, 2006 Daily are you talking to me? And what JOY has to do with me? Only everything... Dahhh! I am loving too, but I don't like talking about myself ;-) T -- Re: death - Tami Dear Tami: Reading your post to brought these thoughts to me: Tami is a loving human being. She loves people so easily, she has such a big heart. and then I thought I am a loving human being. I love people so easily, I have such a big heart. and then, " JOY " . Thanks Sweetie. Love, Steve D. > > > > > > > > Dearest , > > > > I recognice myself in so much of what you write. For example > the > > > > fear of losing the one you love. My greates fear is to lose > Hans. > > > > Not to another woman or that he will leave me, but that he > will > > > die. > > > > And I have just like you asked myself what is the worst that > could > > > > happen if that would come true. And my answer is incredibly > pain > > > > beyond words. Suffering day after day after day. And maybe one > day > > > > it will calm down. And I would never want a relationship with > > > > another man again, because I have already had a relationship > from > > > > heaven, and nothing could be as great as this again. And being > > > alone > > > > doesn´t scare me. Being without Hans scares the shit out of > me. I > > > > have done the Work on this, and it hasn´t undone my stories so > far. > > > > > > > > I also recognice myself in your story when someone who used to > > > love > > > > you and need you no longer does. I had this experience with my > > > > sister not long ago. She was withdrawing herself from me and I > > > > suffered. I missed her. However she came back. And it wasn´t > all > > > my > > > > imagination because she told me that after a fight we had she > had > > > > felt that she had it with me and felt that she was finished > with > > > our > > > > relationship. But then she had realized how much she loved me > and > > > > missed me. And what I realized was that her absence hadn´t > hurt me > > > > in anyway. The only thing that had caused me pain was my > stories > > > > that my sister didn´t love me anymore, and what that ment, > that > > > she > > > > had left me and that I needed her to be happy. Which of cource > all > > > > was lies. She never left me. I left her and myself when I > believed > > > > my stories. > > > > > > > > And about your answer to the 4 question...you probably didn´t > mean > > > > to be funny, but I found this hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! > I > > > > just love your naked humanity!!! > > > > > > > > Love, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 1/21/2006 1:24:23 P.M. Eastern Standard > > > Time, > > > > > jmknapp74@a... writes: > > > > > > > > > > can i see a reason to let it go? *yes..but again, WHAT IF > > > > IT'S TRUE??? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > so, what if it's true. what if what seems to be my worst > > > > nightmare is > > > > > actually true? what's the worst that could happen? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > the worst that could happen is the physical and geographical > > > > distance > > > > > between us ends up being too much to overcome, and our > > > > relationship dies. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i come apart. then all the judgements in my mind > scream > > > and > > > > scream at > > > > > me endlessly. and i believe these judgments. they are > CORE. > > > > all the barely > > > > > concealed fears and hints of my sense of worthlessness > become a > > > > looming, > > > > > suffocating Reality to me. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i suffer. i suffer. i suffer. i am heartbroken and > > > dying > > > > inside, yet > > > > > i live through every moment of it. it will be unbearable > > > > anguish. i won't > > > > > do well. the damage that i already have inside of me will > > > become > > > > even worse. > > > > > more real. more ME. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then, very slowly, over time, i will begin to resurface. i > will > > > > find myself > > > > > still alive and this will be a good thing. what won't be > good > > > is > > > > the fact > > > > > that i will be that much less trusting in others because > once > > > > again, when i > > > > > have opened my heart to someone, that person has rejected > it. > > > i > > > > won't trust. > > > > > i will put another bar to my own cage. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > do you trust now? *not very much. i don't trust Reality > to be > > > > kind to me. > > > > > i am afraid. i am afraid of reality. i am afraid of > losing > > > any > > > > sense of > > > > > being loved. i am afraid of my own self-hating thoughts. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all these thoughts and feelings you have about being > worthless > > > > and unlovable > > > > > to others, are they true? *to me, yes. very true. > especially > > > > when someone > > > > > who once needed me, no longer does and becomes a stranger. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > CYAKIT? *no. i don't think so. i don't know. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > how do you react when you believe that you are worthless to > > > > others? *i > > > > > shrivel up and die. my life looks and feels dull and flat > and > > > > dark...and that's > > > > > on a good day. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > who would you be w/out the belief? *oh please. do you > > > actually > > > > think this > > > > > question can cut through this? this is who i AM! i've > been > > > like > > > > this since > > > > > i can remember. i can't fool myself right now into > > > some " better, > > > > nicer " > > > > > thought process. that is called DENIAL. > > > > > > > > > > okay, i'll play. i'd be free. i'd be one with the > universe. > > > > i'd be pure, > > > > > unconditional love. so happy. so in love with life and > the > > > > absolute fucking > > > > > kindness of Reality. cause Reality is God, and God is > good. > > > and > > > > it would > > > > > just get better and better and better. the happy virus > would > > > > just eat me up > > > > > and i would leave a great big gushing testimonial on > 's > > > > website so other > > > > > people could read it and get all excited about the miracle > of > > > > four questions > > > > > that will change your life completely, yet in all actuality > > > don't > > > > do > > > > > jack-shit. how's that? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > i'm sick of this. i'm sick of being this way. doing this > work > > > > is just > > > > > making me worse. > > > > > > > > > > the " lies " win. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2006 Report Posted January 24, 2006 Dear tami, I thought I was posting in the group. As usual, I have no idea what you mean by what you posted? Of course, that is not my job to understand what you mean, so oh well. Love, sd > > > > > > > > > > Dearest , > > > > > I recognice myself in so much of what you write. For example > > the > > > > > fear of losing the one you love. My greates fear is to lose > > Hans. > > > > > Not to another woman or that he will leave me, but that he > > will > > > > die. > > > > > And I have just like you asked myself what is the worst that > > could > > > > > happen if that would come true. And my answer is incredibly > > pain > > > > > beyond words. Suffering day after day after day. And maybe > one > > day > > > > > it will calm down. And I would never want a relationship with > > > > > another man again, because I have already had a relationship > > from > > > > > heaven, and nothing could be as great as this again. And > being > > > > alone > > > > > doesn´t scare me. Being without Hans scares the shit out of > > me. I > > > > > have done the Work on this, and it hasn´t undone my stories > so > > far. > > > > > > > > > > I also recognice myself in your story when someone who used > to > > > > love > > > > > you and need you no longer does. I had this experience with > my > > > > > sister not long ago. She was withdrawing herself from me and > I > > > > > suffered. I missed her. However she came back. And it wasn´t > > all > > > > my > > > > > imagination because she told me that after a fight we had she > > had > > > > > felt that she had it with me and felt that she was finished > > with > > > > our > > > > > relationship. But then she had realized how much she loved me > > and > > > > > missed me. And what I realized was that her absence hadn´t > > hurt me > > > > > in anyway. The only thing that had caused me pain was my > > stories > > > > > that my sister didn´t love me anymore, and what that ment, > > that > > > > she > > > > > had left me and that I needed her to be happy. Which of > cource > > all > > > > > was lies. She never left me. I left her and myself when I > > believed > > > > > my stories. > > > > > > > > > > And about your answer to the 4 question...you probably didn´t > > mean > > > > > to be funny, but I found this hilarious! Thanks for the > laugh! > > I > > > > > just love your naked humanity!!! > > > > > > > > > > Love, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 1/21/2006 1:24:23 P.M. Eastern Standard > > > > Time, > > > > > > jmknapp74@a... writes: > > > > > > > > > > > > can i see a reason to let it go? *yes..but again, WHAT > IF > > > > > IT'S TRUE??? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > so, what if it's true. what if what seems to be my worst > > > > > nightmare is > > > > > > actually true? what's the worst that could happen? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > the worst that could happen is the physical and > geographical > > > > > distance > > > > > > between us ends up being too much to overcome, and our > > > > > relationship dies. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i come apart. then all the judgements in my mind > > scream > > > > and > > > > > scream at > > > > > > me endlessly. and i believe these judgments. they are > > CORE. > > > > > all the barely > > > > > > concealed fears and hints of my sense of worthlessness > > become a > > > > > looming, > > > > > > suffocating Reality to me. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i suffer. i suffer. i suffer. i am heartbroken and > > > > dying > > > > > inside, yet > > > > > > i live through every moment of it. it will be unbearable > > > > > anguish. i won't > > > > > > do well. the damage that i already have inside of me will > > > > become > > > > > even worse. > > > > > > more real. more ME. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then, very slowly, over time, i will begin to resurface. i > > will > > > > > find myself > > > > > > still alive and this will be a good thing. what won't be > > good > > > > is > > > > > the fact > > > > > > that i will be that much less trusting in others because > > once > > > > > again, when i > > > > > > have opened my heart to someone, that person has rejected > > it. > > > > i > > > > > won't trust. > > > > > > i will put another bar to my own cage. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > do you trust now? *not very much. i don't trust Reality > > to be > > > > > kind to me. > > > > > > i am afraid. i am afraid of reality. i am afraid of > > losing > > > > any > > > > > sense of > > > > > > being loved. i am afraid of my own self-hating thoughts. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all these thoughts and feelings you have about being > > worthless > > > > > and unlovable > > > > > > to others, are they true? *to me, yes. very true. > > especially > > > > > when someone > > > > > > who once needed me, no longer does and becomes a > stranger. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > CYAKIT? *no. i don't think so. i don't know. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > how do you react when you believe that you are worthless to > > > > > others? *i > > > > > > shrivel up and die. my life looks and feels dull and flat > > and > > > > > dark...and that's > > > > > > on a good day. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > who would you be w/out the belief? *oh please. do you > > > > actually > > > > > think this > > > > > > question can cut through this? this is who i AM! i've > > been > > > > like > > > > > this since > > > > > > i can remember. i can't fool myself right now into > > > > some " better, > > > > > nicer " > > > > > > thought process. that is called DENIAL. > > > > > > > > > > > > okay, i'll play. i'd be free. i'd be one with the > > universe. > > > > > i'd be pure, > > > > > > unconditional love. so happy. so in love with life and > > the > > > > > absolute fucking > > > > > > kindness of Reality. cause Reality is God, and God is > > good. > > > > and > > > > > it would > > > > > > just get better and better and better. the happy virus > > would > > > > > just eat me up > > > > > > and i would leave a great big gushing testimonial on > > 's > > > > > website so other > > > > > > people could read it and get all excited about the miracle > > of > > > > > four questions > > > > > > that will change your life completely, yet in all > actuality > > > > don't > > > > > do > > > > > > jack-shit. how's that? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > i'm sick of this. i'm sick of being this way. doing this > > work > > > > > is just > > > > > > making me worse. > > > > > > > > > > > > the " lies " win. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2006 Report Posted January 24, 2006 Daily I love you and I love the person you have become since you met me You are much more honest and mind your own business? You are amazing, and if you forget it I am here to remind you (together with your grandchild - ) T -- Re: death - Tami Dear tami, I thought I was posting in the group. As usual, I have no idea what you mean by what you posted? Of course, that is not my job to understand what you mean, so oh well. Love, sd > > > > > > > > > > Dearest , > > > > > I recognice myself in so much of what you write. For example > > the > > > > > fear of losing the one you love. My greates fear is to lose > > Hans. > > > > > Not to another woman or that he will leave me, but that he > > will > > > > die. > > > > > And I have just like you asked myself what is the worst that > > could > > > > > happen if that would come true. And my answer is incredibly > > pain > > > > > beyond words. Suffering day after day after day. And maybe > one > > day > > > > > it will calm down. And I would never want a relationship with > > > > > another man again, because I have already had a relationship > > from > > > > > heaven, and nothing could be as great as this again. And > being > > > > alone > > > > > doesn´t scare me. Being without Hans scares the shit out of > > me. I > > > > > have done the Work on this, and it hasn´t undone my stories > so > > far. > > > > > > > > > > I also recognice myself in your story when someone who used > to > > > > love > > > > > you and need you no longer does. I had this experience with > my > > > > > sister not long ago. She was withdrawing herself from me and > I > > > > > suffered. I missed her. However she came back. And it wasn´t > > all > > > > my > > > > > imagination because she told me that after a fight we had she > > had > > > > > felt that she had it with me and felt that she was finished > > with > > > > our > > > > > relationship. But then she had realized how much she loved me > > and > > > > > missed me. And what I realized was that her absence hadn´t > > hurt me > > > > > in anyway. The only thing that had caused me pain was my > > stories > > > > > that my sister didn´t love me anymore, and what that ment, > > that > > > > she > > > > > had left me and that I needed her to be happy. Which of > cource > > all > > > > > was lies. She never left me. I left her and myself when I > > believed > > > > > my stories. > > > > > > > > > > And about your answer to the 4 question...you probably didn´t > > mean > > > > > to be funny, but I found this hilarious! Thanks for the > laugh! > > I > > > > > just love your naked humanity!!! > > > > > > > > > > Love, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 1/21/2006 1:24:23 P.M. Eastern Standard > > > > Time, > > > > > > jmknapp74@a... writes: > > > > > > > > > > > > can i see a reason to let it go? *yes..but again, WHAT > IF > > > > > IT'S TRUE??? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > so, what if it's true. what if what seems to be my worst > > > > > nightmare is > > > > > > actually true? what's the worst that could happen? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > the worst that could happen is the physical and > geographical > > > > > distance > > > > > > between us ends up being too much to overcome, and our > > > > > relationship dies. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i come apart. then all the judgements in my mind > > scream > > > > and > > > > > scream at > > > > > > me endlessly. and i believe these judgments. they are > > CORE. > > > > > all the barely > > > > > > concealed fears and hints of my sense of worthlessness > > become a > > > > > looming, > > > > > > suffocating Reality to me. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then i suffer. i suffer. i suffer. i am heartbroken and > > > > dying > > > > > inside, yet > > > > > > i live through every moment of it. it will be unbearable > > > > > anguish. i won't > > > > > > do well. the damage that i already have inside of me will > > > > become > > > > > even worse. > > > > > > more real. more ME. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then what? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > then, very slowly, over time, i will begin to resurface. i > > will > > > > > find myself > > > > > > still alive and this will be a good thing. what won't be > > good > > > > is > > > > > the fact > > > > > > that i will be that much less trusting in others because > > once > > > > > again, when i > > > > > > have opened my heart to someone, that person has rejected > > it. > > > > i > > > > > won't trust. > > > > > > i will put another bar to my own cage. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > do you trust now? *not very much. i don't trust Reality > > to be > > > > > kind to me. > > > > > > i am afraid. i am afraid of reality. i am afraid of > > losing > > > > any > > > > > sense of > > > > > > being loved. i am afraid of my own self-hating thoughts. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > all these thoughts and feelings you have about being > > worthless > > > > > and unlovable > > > > > > to others, are they true? *to me, yes. very true. > > especially > > > > > when someone > > > > > > who once needed me, no longer does and becomes a > stranger. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > CYAKIT? *no. i don't think so. i don't know. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > how do you react when you believe that you are worthless to > > > > > others? *i > > > > > > shrivel up and die. my life looks and feels dull and flat > > and > > > > > dark...and that's > > > > > > on a good day. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > who would you be w/out the belief? *oh please. do you > > > > actually > > > > > think this > > > > > > question can cut through this? this is who i AM! i've > > been > > > > like > > > > > this since > > > > > > i can remember. i can't fool myself right now into > > > > some " better, > > > > > nicer " > > > > > > thought process. that is called DENIAL. > > > > > > > > > > > > okay, i'll play. i'd be free. i'd be one with the > > universe. > > > > > i'd be pure, > > > > > > unconditional love. so happy. so in love with life and > > the > > > > > absolute fucking > > > > > > kindness of Reality. cause Reality is God, and God is > > good. > > > > and > > > > > it would > > > > > > just get better and better and better. the happy virus > > would > > > > > just eat me up > > > > > > and i would leave a great big gushing testimonial on > > 's > > > > > website so other > > > > > > people could read it and get all excited about the miracle > > of > > > > > four questions > > > > > > that will change your life completely, yet in all > actuality > > > > don't > > > > > do > > > > > > jack-shit. how's that? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > i'm sick of this. i'm sick of being this way. doing this > > work > > > > > is just > > > > > > making me worse. > > > > > > > > > > > > the " lies " win. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote
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