Re: my work, pt. 1

[Guest guest]

Another TA.. you probably got this already.. but Im losing my love for

myself.

If you lose Renata will you hate yourself? that would be added stress.

I can relate I want LAA so much if i lose another client i could hate

myself.. could happen- maybe its a test from the earth school.

What ever im glad your back writing to us..

love, roslyn

>

>

> one at a time...

> 1. Who angers, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you,

> and why? What is it about them that you don't like?

>

>

> i am extremely confused and saddened (depressed, anxious,

sleepless) by

> Renata because i get such mixed signals from her. i hate that

since she has

> moved to California, she tells me about all the guys that talk to

her and ask her

> out/ask her over, talking to/hanging out/working with her ex, and

seems less

> and less invested in our relationship and possible future together.

i hate

> how she deals with the physical distance between us by becoming

emotionally

> distant. i hate that she will tell me how i'm so amazing and she's

so in love

> with me, and then be unreachable for days on end and talk to me like a

> stranger when she finally calls. i hate that she's discovering

this amazing new

> life without me.

> Renata sends mixed signals...

> is that true? *yes, she even admits to it. she says she shuts down

> emotionally to avoid dealing with the difficulty and sadness of

living 3,000 miles

> apart. i'm just not entirely convinced by that explanation. even

if that's

> entirely true, it just simply hurts and confuses me.

> can i absolutely know that's true? *yes. see above.

> how do i react to the belief that she sends mixed signals? *i freak

out! i

> have all kinds of awful scenarios running through my mind of her

falling in

> love with some guy she meets and connects with, or her ex, or who

knows who.

> i can't sleep at night. my mind just spins and spins and worries and

> worries. i try not to call or email her too much, too little.

every move i make

> is a major descision. i pay VERY close attention to when and how

often she

> calls or emails me, like keeping a scorecard. i feel out every little

> inflection of her voice to gauge her sincerity. and most of the

time i find all kinds

> of little things to throw me into fear and turmoil. i feel it in

my chest

> like a slow, cold panic and awful sadness. i assume i'm losing her

(most

> likely to someone " better " ) and i make it a reality for myself, and

i'm twisted

> up in all kinds of knots inside. i feel like a fucking psycho.

> sounds pretty stressful. *oh it is. trust me on that one.

> can i see one stress-free reason to believe this thought? *not

one. and i

> have no choice.

> can i see a good reason to drop it? *yes of course. i would if i

could.

> who would i be w/out this belief that Renata sends mixed signals.

*it's not

> the belief of the mixed signals that is the problem here. it's what

that

> means.

> and that means what? *that i'm losing her love.

> ah-ha! and is that true? *she says no. i want to believe it.

> can i absolutely know that i'm losing her love? *no i can't.

> how do i react to the belief that i'm losing her love? *i grasp and

cling

> and become a complete emotional wreck, like this will kill me. i

act in ways

> that make me despise myself, and lose all respect for myself.

again, i

> pre-think and meticulously plan and control every call, every email

i make. i

> avoid talking to her with the sole purpose of making her feel this

way. i pace

> inside of my head and inside of my house. i torture myself. i

completely

> just torture myself, and i'm very unhappy because my happiness

depends almost

> entirely on her right now.

> can i see one peaceful reason to keep this thought? *no.

> can i see a good reason to drop it? *yes. (i can feel major fear and

> anxiety come up around this question, like i really DON'T want to

lose this

> thought! how crazy is that???)

> who would i be w/out the belief that i'm losing Renata's love?

*soooo much

> more peaceful. so full of outpouring love for her and happiness.

i've

> brought this fear up to her before, and she has shown me how untrue

it was then.

> i felt so much better because the thought was gone. that's how i

would feel

> w/out it. my clinging, fearful grip would loosen over her and

myself and i

> could just feel happy and peaceful that she is discovering a new

LIFE!

> maybe i could listen to her talk about her adventures and all the

new people

> she's meeting and not feel like that is all a threat.

> TA: i am not losing Renata's love, her love for me is not fading.

could be

> true, though i'm still not confident about this. although she

tells me so.

> why don't i believe her?

> i am losing my love. yes. what i feel isn't love, it's jealousy,

> suspistion and insanity. when i love i am warm and open and relaxed.

> Renata is losing my love. well, yes. sometimes i try to withhold

it from

> her to change her. it feels horrible. talk about mixed signals.

i send them

> to her in bulk (although i don't know if she picks up on them). i

give

> myself mixed signals all day!

> i am gaining her love. ???? i don't know...i can't know how she

feels, but

> this one is pretty hard for me to believe.

> i am losing her love in my thinking. obviously. my thinking is my

own

> worst enemy.

> more later.

>

>

>

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