Re: I am a sexy babe ()

October 21, 2005

Hello dear dear group and dear dear ,

I just really really want to thank you all for this beautiful group

where people are so honest, open and loving and it has really

supported me in doing the work. I just want to thank you

especailly for this post...I cannot begin to tell you how much I feel

connected with you (having my hand up right now)and how much effort I

used to make in order to keep the story of " being an irresitable sex

goddess " , spending 3 hours everyday on my appearence before I could

walk out of the front door and also becoming anorexic and bulimic.

Although I got the response I wanted from men, I wasn't happy and had

the story that " if they know what I really am like, they would not

like me anymore " and I attracted all these men and ran away as soon

as they became serious. I also had the story that " men lust after

women who are not their wives or girlfriends " (Men in the group - is

that true?)so in order not be hurt or feel jealous, I attracted all

the " wrong " men and sought validation from men who were attached. Now

the Work has found me and I'm so grateful and ready to let these

stories go otherwise suffering would let me know.

It's so encouraging for me to know that you are at the other end of

the tunnel ...I'm still going through it. You are such an

inspiration for me.

Now I've completely let go and not spending time on my appearance and

gained 15kg. I have been doing the work for a year and went to the

school. I'm not sure whether I've progressed ...my behaviour tells me

that I'm not free as I try to hide from people (men)who knew me when

I was thinner and prettier (my story).

Thank you again, all of you; and thank you !

All my love,

Amber

>

> I used to have a story of myself as a sexy babe. It was a very

> stressful story. says that when we believe a story and it

> hurts, it´s because it isn´t true for us. So obviously I believed a

> thought ( " I am a sexy babe " ) that wasn´t true for me. There was so

> much stress and pain involved in believing this story. There were

so

> many things I had to DO and BE when I was attached to it. I had to

> stay skinny, so I tortured myself with wieght watchers food for

> several years. I had to get bigger breasts so I got to a clinic and

> made them larger. I had to have the latest clothes, I was obsessed

> with clothes. I use to think: " If I only buy this top and this

dress

> and these pants, I will be satisfyed " . And I was for a month maybe.

> Then came this urge again " I just need this and this and this and

> then... " . And on it went, year after year. I always wore make-up

and

> fixed my hair and shaved everything that should be shaved. When I

> went out to a dance I had high heel shoes, mini skirts and tight,

> very cut-low tops.

>

> Every man I met was a potential lover, boyfriend, flirt, someone

who

> could confirm me as a woman, the sexiest babe in town. I could

never

> (almost) smile or talk to a man without having a motive. I wanted

> him to like me for my looks, find me attractive, sexy, hot, foxy,

> stunning.

>

> And I got a lot of attention from men. They looked at me in the

> streets, they were all over me on the night clubs, I got lot´s and

> lot´s of compliments for my looks. But no matter how much I got, I

> had this empty feeling inside. It was like a whole inside of me,

and

> no matter how much it was filled it always seemed empty.

>

> Then I became deeply depressed and bipolar (according to my

doctor),

> and I couldn´t keep up with my story anylonger. I gained wieght, I

> was definitly not skinny anymore. I couldn´t care less about what I

> wore, I was lucky if I could get myself to the shower and brush my

> teeth once in a while. Make-up, fixing hair, shaving - maybe if I

> had a good day, and that didn´t happen every month.

>

> It was tremendously painful to still be attached to the thought " I

> am a sexy babe " now. I felt nothing like a sexy babe at all. But

> something happened in me. The story of " I am a sexy babe " slowly

> faded away, until one day I just noticed it wasn´t there anymore.

>

> Today I see very clearly that this was all about LAA. And I used my

> body and my looks to get it. And when it didn´t work, that is, I

> didn´t get happier, I thought the solution was to get more clothes,

> bigger breasts, be sexier, thinner.

>

> What the work has tought me is that those things would never have

> given me the happiness and peace I was looking for. I was looking

in

> the wrong places, for the wrong things.

>

> So here I am now, without the story " I´m a sexy babe " . Slightly

over-

> weight, still beautiful. I like to look nice when I dress, but my

> cloth-obsession is long gone. And I notice when it (me) are getting

> dressed in the morning it never choose the " sexy stuff " anymore. It

> choose comfortable clothes it likes to have close to the body. And

> that never seems to be high heels and string panties.

>

> My relationship to men has changed radically too. And not just to

> men. Every morning I take a walk with Ozzy and we meet a lot of

> people. I am wearing quilted pants, cap, gloves (it´s getting cold

> in Sweden, brrrr!), sneakers and no make-up. A lot of people stop

to

> pet little Ozzy and to talk a little, and I don´t have the thought

> anymore that they should like my look. I notice that I am dressed

> for the weather and not for LAA. Another thing that I have noticed

> that I do is that I smile at the people that I pass on my morning

> walk. There is no motive, I just feel like smiling. Some smiles

> back, some don´t, it doesn´t matter. That was something I couldn´t

> do when I was attached to the thought " I´m a sexy babe " . It meant

> for me that when I smiled at a guy, I gave him an invitation. And

> what if I didn´t wanted to follow it up later? So I was very

careful

> to whom I smiled and returned smiles from.

>

> Witout the story " I am a sexy babe " I am so much happier. So much

> more peaceful and loving, both to myself and others. I am so much

> more open to others and myself. I am not constantly seeking LAA and

> that is freedom for me. When I stoped looking for it I realized

that

> I already had it - my own. I am definitly a more honest person

> without this story. I am no longer trying to manipulate every men I

> see. And the realization that no one on this earth has to find me

> sexy is such a peaceful thought. This terrible stress around my

body

> and how I look is gone, big relief...

>

> Love,

>

October 21, 2005

Amber hi

Thank you for your post

I want to relate to one thing you wrote

that use to be my truth as well

but not any more.

You wrote:

" I attracted all the " wrong " men "

I used to think that too

I was on love with a married man

I used to think that he is wrong for me

and I would be better off finding an available man

or have him available for me (divorce)

It was very painful because in reality I was with a married man!

Now I am with another married man

I don't have the thought I would be better off with

a man who is not married, because it hurts to think that.

All I need to know that this man

is the best think I can ask from god

because we are in contact,

And

tomorrow I might meet an available man

and than I would know that he is the best man for me

I don't judge what is - I love it!

T

-- Re: I am a sexy babe ()